Chasing the Numbness

At different times in my life, I have been told that I have an "addictive" personality. This was explained to me by mother many years ago as: a person who is easily addicted to different things, whether it be alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sex, movies, or even Reese's Peanut Butter Cups :-)

The realization hit me a few weeks ago, and I haven't told anyone yet, that maybe that's true to some extent. What I mean tho is that I can take or leave anything (except maybe Copenhagen). While I used to get shitty-trashed EVERY weekend until about six mos ago, I just tired of it. The numb feeling in the middle was PERFECT, but everything else was not. The same can be said of the perscription drugs I take for nerve damage/pain. I would take a "few" extra at each dosage time in order to ensure that the "Numbness" comes. But then I tired of that, and didn't want to risk any more issues to my health...namely my liver.

So, the unexplained bottom line is that I am just chasing a permanent numbness that I know I will never have. I want to not feel any more of the pain from the Death's and decisions in Iraq, as well as the pain and shame from the CST. With this emotional pain comes, a lot of the times, a physical sensation to match the pain and memory. Whether it's feeling like I was just slammed into the ground (from a mortar that JUST missed me), or the feeling of something cold, wet, and hard entering parts of me that should never have been touched. I can smell and taste and "feel" the body parts, the Iraqi dust, the smell of an explosion, etc. These, along with the guilt, shame, and pain, are the feelings that I want to be numb from. I am hoping that as I push through the PE therapy, that I will begin to experience that numbness without the need for additional chemical/physical assistance.

Pushing Up (Away???)

Seems like I have an undeniable knack for pissing people off and pushing them away. I think it is just that the most recent round of therapy, the Prolonged Exposure dealing with the CSTA, has been so damn painful and strong.

After the LONG CPT therapy dealing with the primary and a secondary incident from Iraq, I really started to feel good about myself, for the first time in years. However,  that didn't last that long as the Doc moved me pretty quickly into addressing the CSTA. Her reasoning was sound: the CSTAwas so deep, old, and strong, that it affected everything else, AS WELL AS making me more prone to PTSD with subsequent traumas, such as those in Iraq.

I don't recall what all I wrote in my previous post, so I hope I am not just re-hashing, but there are a ton of things bothering me and the fact that I really don't know, or feel like, the REAL me...is scary. Sometimes it's as if someone else is talking or making the movements.
The other part of that is that I sometimes feel as though my life is fake. That I would be better off on my own because people like me don't have strong families, or happy families. Sometimes I HONESTLY just want to be on my own, or to at least start over. Although I love my wife and kids tremendously, sometimes it's as if I "just know" I will be better if I leave...if I am on my own. It's as if by leaving, I would be erasing 100% of my past...which I know is a bullshit cop-out...but it still feels that way and weighs heavy on my mind A LOT.

Who Am I???? WTF????

Original post edited for multiple reasons.

I think one of the biggest things that I struggle with right now is: Who the FUCK am I????? I don't seem to know any more. Compounding the issues releated to PTSD is the fact that I apparently have some of the signs of being Bi-Polar and my grandmother had alzhiemers. Seems as though brain problems run in the family!
< Had a really good talk with the Doc about this at my last appointment. Learned a few important things that don't make me feel so worried about possible mental deterioration:
1. I am past the age where I need to worry about schizophrenia
2. My mother being Bi-Polar doesn't mean I will be/I am...it's NOT genetic
<>
But, who am I???Who the hell is this person I have become, am becoming still? I used to have a pretty good cockiness about me and not be afraid of anything or anyone. I was never a "ladies" man, but I never had to go long without getting laid...and had some HILARIOUS stories along the way...like the one about how a pussy[cat] ruined my chances of getting...welll you know...from this really beautiful college girl. But I digress...I was strong, not emotional, and DECISIVE!!! And I NEVER looked back (excpet for the rough divorce I had many moons ago).
Who have I become:
1) I seem to be afaid of my own shadow, most loud noises, QUIT, solititude, and crowds!!!
2) I don't know what I like most of the time, other than the shit I have been eating or doing for years
3) I would (A LOT of the time) rather not have sex with my wife. Not because of her because I do find her sexy and a lot of fun. More because of the errors in my brain.
4) When I do have sex with my wife, it's always great. However, I am either overly  aggressive (no...not beating her) or way too emotional (to the point that I want to "crawl" inside her entire being.
5) I second-guess EVERYTHING ANYONE says, especially those who are my friends, family, people I love, or people I just care about. By second-guessing EVERYTHING, I mean EVERY LAST FUCKING THING. For example, a text I received the other day (on a day full of some incredible news) ended with "Bye now." The conversation was fairly innocent, dealing soley with the aforementioned good news of a friend. I had already sent "TTYL"...but "Bye now" has bugged me ever since. I think it has to do more with projections and mind-reading, but I am also 100% certain that I do in fact bug the person that I was texting with.
6) My focus is shot! I have been called a bulldog becuase I will track shit down to the end. And I can still do this, but ONLY with a higher purpose than normal, AND with someone else either right there, or just egging me on. My school homework is a GREAT example. I have a TON of shit due this week. However, instead of using even 70% of the abundant free time I have actually had in the last four days, I have wasted most of that time looking at old grindhouse movies (you know, the horror ones, AND the basically/literally X-rated ones). Chastising myself over and over and over again has not helped. Even tonight, with something due an hour ago...there I was, downloading grindhouse movies...and the assignment is now late.
7) My memory....this scares me the most. I have the hardest time with my short term memory even now. I have to try to make some association immediately to whatever it is I am trying to remember. However, I can recall what chics where wearing when I first met them. Now I can't seem to go a day without having to stop over 50% of my conversations and TRY to remember what the FUCK I was just saying!!! To make matters WAY worse, I have recently remembered things that honestly make no sense that I ever forgot. For instance, I recalled last week that a few years ago, when the PTSD symptons really started hitting me, that I had a solid and painless plan to end my life. It was just dumb-fucking luck that my wife wasn't going to be home as intended....I was too guilty to leave little kids alone with a dead dad in the house. Seriously, how the fuck could I have ever forgotten that!!!! That's like forgetting that you did things you shouldn't have ever done!!! (which I have also done). How many other things have a I forgotten??????????????

Overall, I believe in the therapy process, and I believe in my Doc. Quite frankly, although I am convinced that she erronously thinks (and worries) I view things on a romantic/cruch/sexual level with her sometimes, she really is like the best or second best friend I have....just too bad that we (the wife and I) can't ever have her over due to stupid VA ethics. I digress again though. My faith and trust in both the Doc and the Process is why I have stuck this shit out the last 18 mos. Seems like other veterans, who definitely had worse experiences, seem to be able to move on quicker, which is what really frustrates me. I know that a lot of it is the fact that the new stuff we are working on is the childhood sexual trauma, so it would not be too far fetched that my brain is just reminding me of other trauma's that had/have the SHAME/GUILT/PAIN/ABUSE tags attached, and intermingling these events.

In any event, I am just ranting tonight. Very tired and stressed and in a LOT of pain. I hope to have a session this week, as I think I need it, but we'll see what the future holds for that one. Basically, I just miss the old me.

Another thing I wanted to write about, and I will have to do it later, is: Chasing the Numb Feeling. It's a miracle that alcohol and prescirption drugs haven't killed me yet, nor has speed or my mouth. BUT I do just wish I could be numb. I have been unable to cry so I have not been able to emotionally dump a lot of baggage. But I will go into this one more at a later date!

Shane is FINALLY HOME!!!!

In my earlier post today I referenced a veteran by the name of Shane. Shane's story is a rough one and it details a decorated combat vet (and HERO) dealing with PTSD as well as the painful life experiences. The short of it is that Shane went through a shitload of crap in Iraq, and came home to a wife that didn't/couldn't provide the support AND patience that he needed. She ended up seeing a "family friend" and it just got bad from there.

It is important to note that while Shane made some mistakes, some even stupid, he was always willing to accept his own culpability. In fact, he accepted more than his own and took the wait of the world on his shoulders. Shane apparently has [a lot of] the same stuckpoints as most of us other crazy war vets: guilt over things done, guilt over things not done, survivors guilt, etc. Shane hit rock bottom and if it wasn't for those who cared about him and wanted to help, as well as some divine intervention, he would either be dead, or railroaded by a local corrupt law enforcement establishment!.

Shane's most recent stories, and the news of his release after almost 60 (SIXTY) days in isolation are here:

Excellent story by Moni Basu from CNN.com. 

War At Home: Part 1 (by Moni Basu, CNN.com)
War At Home: Part 2 (by Moni Basu, CNN.com)
War At Home: Part 3 (by Moni Basu, CNN.com)

Randy Travis of Altanta's Fox 5 News:
News of Shane's release from Jail

Facebook Page Supporting Shane:
Facebook: I SUPPORT SHANE PARHAM

Trust your Doc and Trust the Process...or don't even bother starting!

So this will probably be the last email set that I throw up on here for a bit. I think this grouping shows that it is REALLY important to be able to have faith AND trust in both your doctor AND the process. If not, you are only going to get yourself in more pain. This doesn't mean someone should stop seeking help...just to make sure you find the right doc and process first. Otherwise, you may permanently end up like I have been feeling recently:
- Stuck between running forward into a glass wall, or running backwards to a cliff. :-(


From: Me
To: The Doc
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2011 5:02:56 PM
Subject: RE: two questions for this week (apr 21, 2011)

Ok…got it…AND we can discuss it in session, or not, I guess.

IF I don't make it clear, I do trust you, otherwise I wouldn't be doing this…would've quite back when the CPT stuff got miserably hard. I get that I need to practice A LOT of different skills. I would like to say: for MOST of my life, I don't recall ever really having any emotions other than anger or adrenaline-rushes…until everything from Iraq and this other stuff started messing me up. So I think that when I'm looking for reassurance from anyone, including you, it really is because I am feeling THAT WORTHLESS (empty???). I think it's even more than reassurance…validation or appreciation or something else? I do only send you something when I REALLY feel like I have to because I honestly and sincerely don't want to be a pain any more than I already am. Trying very hard all day, EVERY day, to NOT focus on future events…something very hard for me…I can only say that I'm honestly just plain scared and ashamed and miserable. Again, it's not a lack of trust or faith in you or the process and I am VERY sorry to have bugged you again…I really do picture you saying something like "oh great, another da*n email from dw."

dw  

From: The Doc
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2011 4:19 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: two questions for this week (apr 21, 2011)

Hat off. Just try to trust me.

And don't worry/ruminate about what hasn't happened yet. That does nothing but increase your anxiety level. You simply do exactly what you are asked to do one day at a time. When you are finished doing what you are asked to do, you do everything you can to let it go and not worry about it until it's time to do the next thing. RE-READ your PE Patient workbook for refresher on why we're doing it, where we're going, what's the point etc. Write down any questions you have and bring them to session for us to address then. If at any point I ask you to do something you aren't ready for, you simply say that. You will not be forced into anything. So try not to worry and just take it one step at a time.

And please save these kinds of questions for session (we can take first 5-10 minutes to address them). They're really not "emergency" type questions. I really want you to practice tolerating distress/uncertainty without frequent reassurance. This is not to "get you off my back" but because it is a skill you need to practice—to help you learn to "self-soothe" as we say. It truly is hugely important. We can talk about this more in session if necessary.

YOU.ARE.DOING.GREAT. Kepp practicing "LETTING GO" during hours when you are NOT supposed to be working on this trauma.

From: Me
Sent: Monday, April 18, 2011 10:27 PM
To: The Doc
Subject: two questions for this week (apr 21, 2011)

Doc,

Scared of this week…you commented on having to do multiple sessions to get through a hotspot. Does that mean I have to redo what I did this last session, or push forward? Quite frankly, the thought of the latter is nerve racking, to put it rather mildly. Maybe you shouldn't tell me…'cause I'm not sure I want to know…but then again, I really want to know.

Is my wearing a hat open for discussion? I think I did a little better…at least more scared/ashamed than the level of anger I felt Friday, and even somewhat tonight. I'm going to do what you say, but I am hoping there's some wiggle room?? Maybe a visual "check-in" point but the hat can stay? I know you have way bigger things to worry about, but I really do need to know what to expect on this one.

I guess either way it's your call on both since you're the doc (and I guess you still rock) and I'm the guy wearing pink tutus like its cool the last few weeks.

dw

PTSD One-Liners (Jokes!!!)

Some One-Liners for PTSD folks. Some of these are HILARIOUS, at least to me. :-)

I can't recall where I got them from...some PTSD site forum that was actually kind of good and informative.

Thanks,

DW

"I'll follow you if you'll follow me, I don't know why you LIE so clean, I'll BREAK right through the irony" -- BB

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  BEGIN <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

You know you have PTSD when

·         you have more emergency helpline numbers in your phonebook than friends,

·         you consider Born on the Fourth of July a 'feel good movie',

·         you see your psychiatrist, your psychologist and your GP more than you see your family

·         you can remember the name of every soldier in your regiment from 1967, but you can't remember the name of your only grandchild,

·         your best friend is the psych nurse who hasn't dislocated your shoulder,

·         you avoid seeing your friends because you think that they think you're paranoid

·         the last time someone climbed into bed with you, they were promptly sedated and taken back to their own ward.

·         you spent last year's Australia Day firework celebrations trying to recover the rest of your platoon.

·         you wake up at 2am and are thankful that you've finally had a good nights sleep, and

·         you're the only one at your ten year highschool reunion with gray hair and a pension.

·         a dark closet is literally an acceptable place to spend time or sleep.

·         you wake up 4 times in one night, and that's pretty good.

·         you pack your bags to go to the psych hospital more often than you pack to go on vacation

·         going grocery shopping is considered an adventure

·         if you average 15 hours of sleep a WEEK, you think you're doing pretty well

·         your significant other wears their old high school football gear to climb in bed with you, just in case you have another night terror

·         You have total familiarity with the concept that your mind exists separately from your body, and who knows where your emotions have gone, or the other way around.

·         You play with dolls and stuffed animals to recreate the childhood that got corrupted by your past which you cannot let go of, and which continues to corrupt your play.

·         You stop to think and then forget to start again.

·         "Triggers", "Flashbacks", "Survivors", "Perps" and "Therps" have become the predominate words in your vocabulary

·         Your main purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

·         You use self help books as walls and dividers and room partitions. You also use "The Courage To Heal" as a paper weight.

·         Your therapist is on speed dial, but you also know her number by heart

·         Most of your best friends are people from online

·         your idea of going out for coffee is heading through the drive through.

·         shopping trips are more like torture sessions where you plan ahead to try to survive.

·         all freinds and family (which are so few) have a special language used only for you.

·         anyone trying to wake you up does so with a big stick and runs like hell.

·         you consider good human contact as having an object between you and them and they can't get near you.

·         your house is locked down tighter than Fort Knox.

·         anyone trying to wake you up does so with a big stick and runs like hell.

·         it isn't a question of whether or not you have a weapon nearby, it's how many and what kind.

·         When Terminator 2 is your favorite feel good family movie.

·         When you discover a wonderful paper on psyops next to your fourth grade report card.

·         When you can explain why each family member's suicide plan is flawed but don't correct them.

·         When your closest childhood friend was a social worker.

·         When you find diagrams of bullet traps and instructions on how to make napalm written in crayon.

·         When you clearly know more about the flaws of water boarding then the last president.

·         When your grade school book reports are on domestic violence.

·         .you're used to others looking at you confused.

·         your spouse has a bright colored toy in the car, and its not for the dog

·         When you can go through an entire day without ever really being in your body for it.

·         how about when You have the urge to go hang out at Walmart and watch the kids get spankings from irate mothers instead of staying at home with the spouse explaining once again, what's wrong with you.

·         While in WalMart, you find yourself looking for freaks to make you feel "normal."

·         You find yourself at the checkout with a toothbrush, pair of underwear, and a tire pump thinking you were done with your grocery shopping.

·         You wait 20 minutes to look through the card section until everyone is out of the aisle, then you spend 2 hours looking for a card you don't need.

·         You speed through the store trying to find an aisle that is empty of people and end up constantly pushing your buggy around the store empty. I call that buggy dodging. Great exercise though!

·         it's 5am and you decide you better to go to bed before it gets too late

·         you get a disconnection warning for your electricity and you're excited because someone sent you a letter

·         You sit and joke with your friends after you see some weirdo talking to themself as they walk by, then someone walks past you and laughs at the weirdo sitting talking to themself

·         when you end up with attempted murder charges because someone decided to sneak up on you and poke your side!!!!

·         when you thought of a really good reason to know when you have PTSD, and then promptly forgot what it was.

·         when you do your grocery shopping at 3am at the all night store because it's not very busy then and you're not sleeping anyway.

·         when someone mentions they're on antidepressants and you say "oh, really? Which one?" and then tell them all the side effects they should be looking out for.

·         when you have an escape plan for every possible thing that could go wrong, including earthquake and zombie invasion.

·         you go to the store to buy a note pad so you can make lists and not forget things, get to the store, and forget what the heck you went there for..

·         email myself notes from work to remind myself to do things when I get home 'cause I know I'll forget!

You know you are living with someone who has PTSD when:

·         You find Japanese knifes under your pellow the first time you sleep over;

·         You find emergy kits in just about all cupboards and closets in the house;

·         You get a house and car emergency kit for Christmas and a fire extinguisher the following Christmas;

·         You're being told that open toilet seats+drawers+cupboards are totally unacceptable but won't touch anything until my return for fear of feeling too lonely;

·         You're being asked the date of the month and the day of the week everyday;

·         In the middle of a great conversation, you're being asked what is it we were discussing sweetheart?

·         And my favorite  You know you are living with someone who has PTSD when they speed dial your phone number 8 times

·         within 3 minutes to tell you damn you are so hard to reach followed by I forgot why I called!

·         when it seems perfectly normal to cry when you laugh, laugh when you cry and do both at the same time for absolutely no reason!

·         After a date you wait by the phone praying it WONT ring!

·         Someone tells you you're pretty and you genuinely consider taking out a restraining order.

·         You have fallen out with every single one of your friends for no reason.

·         The only visitors to your house are doctors, paramedics or psychiatrists.

·         Your psychiatric notes could fill up a whole bookshelf.

·         Your carpet has a big line worn down the middle from continually pacing up and down.

·         You know more about prescription medicines for PTSD than your doctor.

·         You find yourself somewhere and wonder how the hell you got there.

·         You have no idea what day, month or year it is more than half the time.

·         Rocking back and forth on your bed is one of your favorite activities.

·         When the word "trigger", triggers you.

·         You buy stocks in the makers of valium and explain to your accountant it was for the shareholder's discount.

·         you can get so extremely enraged and violent that you seriously scare your husband  although he weighs nearly twice as much as you and is a martial arts student.

·         you feel persecuted and smothered as soon as your best friend calls you more than once a month.

·         when you're overwhelmed with happiness after cutting ties with your family.

·         when you're terrified of starting nursing school because what if one of your classmates will want to be friends with you?!?

·         when you then calm yourself with the thought that they'll surely all mob and hate you.

·         when the panic of being rejected creeps up on you and bites you in the butt as soon as you think you're okay again.

·         You enrol in a defensive driving course because it's the perfect environment in which to meet likeminded people.

·         When if someone wakes you, you wake up smacking them.

·         when someone pops open a can of soda and you refrain from punching them in the face.

·         You set your ringtone to Matchbox 20's 'Unwell'.

·         your ringback tone is 3 Doors Down "Kryptonite"

·         Your voicemail message is 'I'm not here right now……………that is all'

·         A romantic relationship with someone in another state just isn't quite long distance enough.

·         Your 'what I'm looking for' on a dating website reads like :'Wit, charm, looks, honesty, sense of humour, intelligence, psychiatric skills a must'

·         when f**k makes up nearly every word in a given sentence and extends into paragraphs, as well.

·          when your patience is such a short lived phenomenon that you're usually already swearing on the inside before you even had time to realise that something isn't going fast enough for you.

·         You have a different playlist on your Ipod for each of your personalities.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>  END  <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

PE Homework HELL

Email to the Doc after first PE Homework...painful!

From: Me

To: The Doc

Sent: Tuesday, March 22, 2011 10:12:18 PM
Subject: HW H-E double L

Doc,

Tonight was the first night that I was able to do the homework….I am kind of shaky from it which really sucks even if I rate my suds now lower than my peak.

I didn't do it yesterday because when I was taking my dad to lunch…my dumb luck, he mentions some people involved in this crud and he was extolling their virtue!...had me out of shape ALL day. I expect this stuff to be as hard as the CPT stuff, if just different causes, but it was so hard not to flinch at everything I heard myself saying.

I'll see how it goes tomorrow, but I am VERY worried about continuing down this path and remembering too much or just plain cracking. I re-heard what you said about the only benefit gained is if I go through the whole memory…but what if I remember is painful….is there a line? some catch-all? I know you're busy, so no response needed and we can discuss this in session (if it's ok) after you yell at me for being an friggin idiot. My only real point in writing this (and seriously no, the email is really not meant as an annoying payback for last week's session) is that I would like to ask for a little warning before the next session if you plan to push me to go deeper. I really am SCARED Doc, and not just of the sessions…like over my shoulder scared in multiple ways if that makes any dang sense! I do have about 500000 thoughts, questions, fears, ramblings, and epitomes that have been coming to me about ALL of this since last session. I am trying to write them all down when I can, but there is no way we'd get through them. I guess I am rambling here. You still Rock, Doc, even if I do question my sanity in agreeing to go through this.

dw

Sometimes Group REALLY does make you THINK!

Email after a group session. :-)

From: Me

To: The Doc
Sent: Wednesday, February 9, 2011 9:56:07 AM
Subject: Thoughts on yesterday

Doc,
Just FYI because it's bugging the crap outta me. I thought about your letter idea...which I think is good and I'll do that from now on...but then I realized if I didn't tell you this before the next appointment, it could make my life more painful. I feel like a I got some "off my chest" yesterday...but I feel a weird kind of scared too, which is hard to admit. It's not a trust issue, the opposite in fact. Yesterday for some reason I was really scared you were going to go too deep into the original not pulling the trigger incident in Iraq that screwed me up that day in group, which was weird because we worked through (I think, thought?) the original incident. THEN, I got really SCARED that you were going to ask questions that I really didn't (don't ever?) want to answer about the other stuff. The realization is: if you ask, I am (eventually) going to answer you. That in itself is frightening. But it's not just the answers that worry me (or their analysis/reaction?), but the worry of "saying too much"...like too many details. Then I think maybe I'll start remembering even worse stuff or that once I start talking I won't shut up or that this whole process is going to be the final thing that breaks me emotionally. Not sure if any of this makes sense cuz not a lot is right now so I'll quit rambling.
Sorry to bug you. You Rock, Doc!

(NOT) Being Able to Cry

Not being able to cry, when you just "FEEL" like you MUST...sucks. Especially after months of being willing to. The only time I had, mentioned in the below email I sent to the Doc, as "one crazy night" was a night that I was stone-cold drunk off of my ass and got triggered about th PX and ALL of my guilt came flooding in. BAD NIGHT that was!!!

From: Me

To: The Doc

Sent: Tuesday, November 9, 2010 5:56:39 PM
Subject: Emotional question

Doc,
I was thinking yesterday and today about something and wanted to ask.
Should I worry that I really haven't been able to let go of my emotions yet...except for one crazy night?
You kept telling me to, but even Monday I was holding it all back when I was re-reading the sheet on the kid and again when we were talking about it.

Long overdue Check-In

So it's been like seven months since I have remembered, or found time, to post anything on here. However, I have been doing a LOT of writing in journal that my doc has had me start using. I think I will start working on transferring that chicken scratch to this place so I can get rid of the hard copies at home.

Where I am at since my last post:
Things have been a lot better since last November. I did a lot of work through CPT with the Doc regarding the trauma from Iraq.
...Then I started a modified form of PE with the Doc regarding what she had termed CSA(Childhood Sexual Abuse). This has actually been much, much more painful AND difficult than the work on the Iraq trauma.
There have been some seriously strange side-effects of this therapy, for lack of a better term.
- Really bad dreams, some which are an inter-mingling of Iraq and one of the three separate CSAincidents.
- The realization that I hate myself almost 24/7 for the guilt that I carry from both Iraq trauma and some of the particular CSA.
- The remembrance of the some of the most painful (emotional AND physical) memories of my life
- The remembrance of a time when I had actually planned, and (the part I didn't tell the Doc) started to carry out my suicide. (I got lucky that I passed out before doing anything irreversible, even if I passed out only because I was waiting for my wife to come home so I could "finish" it)

It is so strange, and very fucking frustrating to me that I have these memories of major events or decisions in my life, and that I have apparently gotten exceptionally good and pushing these fuckers so deep I forget about them until some unknown trigger brings them back.

Some GREAT News:
my friend Shane is out of Jail after a long stay on some bullshit charges from a crackhead DA and an estranged spouse. But, he's home with probation only on misdemeanors as the new DA dropped/reduced the felony charges!!!!
WELCOME HOME BROTHER!