Friday, December 23, 2011

Just lost

For maybe the last three weeks I have just felt lost. I STILL feel like I have made a lot of progress over the last two years, and I really feel like my little "breakthrough" 6-7 weeks ago with being able to say outloud some of what had happened to me, that that has really helped me feel better about me.

But in the last few weeks I still seem to be sorely on edge, not sleeping well, and having a LOT of nightmares. I had actually felt good about having not had to call the doc during a three week span between appointments. However, she missed last Friday's due to a medical thing, then again the reschedule this past Tuesday, and I missed group today...even though I doubt it even happened. Now I am kinda wishing I would have bugged her in the last week, even though she's apparently pretty sick. Had I bothered her, I would have felt really guilty about that AND felt like I was weak. Quite frankly, I don't even know that I "need" to bother her so much as I feel like I just need someone to bounce my crazy shit off for a few minutes. I don't feel like running it by the wife and I still don't really have anyone else I can talk with. I guess I just feel like shit.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Almost Cried like a baby in Group

I have been so busy but I wanted to put this up before I forgot all about it. This past week I made it to group. I was really glad to have gone, although it was ROUGH for me. One of our members is dealing with something involving a teenager he is trying to help...a teenager he almost killed a year ago when this kid attacked him. His issue with this whole thing is that he is feeling guilty that the kid is probably going to jail for quite a few years and he feels like he failed this little bastard in some way. I had mixed feelings on this as he talked.

As he talked, I got really mixed feelings. These feelings came from two seperate trauma types: one of my traumas from Iraq and all of my childhood sexual trauma.

I got pissed becuase he sounded like he was making excuses for this kid.
--- This kid sounds like every other piece of shit punk or adult who likes to take advantage of people they think are weak or easy targets. This just smarts of those fucking dirty bastards who raped me and the other children!
I got sad AND guilty becuase of my feelings related to the incident with the albino kid in Iraq. I should have shot that bastard, had reason to, and had a 90% chance of not being penalized for doing so.
--- Not killing him that day allowed him to live a lot longer, which allowed him to continue to transport weapons to Ar Ramadi and Fallujah and to use them against the Marines and Soldiers there. Allowing him to live was a stupid fucking decision and feel directly responsible for the lives of American's that were lost due to that fuck!

Having the feelings would have been OK. However, the Doc remembered about the incidents and my feelings about them and she quickly drew the same corrolation that I did, or she at least assumed that's what I was thinking about. I honestly wasn't going to say a damn thing as I didn't trust myself to speak. BUT, she asked...and since she asked and I agree to do anything reasonable that she asks, I answered. I told the group a little about the incident in Iraq and how even though I DIDN'T kill the kid, I still felt the same kind of guilt that this guy (and one other) felt.

As the Doc probed, I had to seriously fight back tears, which made me doubly pissed at myself. Pissed that I fought back the tears (because I still feel like I NEED to cry) and pissed at myself for showing emotions. I guess the Doc noticed as she asked me stay a few minutes after group. I did so, and I told her quickly about how I was just already feeling fucked up due to the triggers and other shit that I had the week before, as well as a coomplete lack of sleep with a LOT of job stress added in. Basically I was in a fucked up place! I was going to tell her that the other feelings and hell I had in me, due to both this guys' story as well as the week before, were ALL because of my being raped as a child. However, I felt myself starting to water in the eyes. I told her that I had to go. What was actually nice was that she told me the only reason that she was NOT making me stay and talk about things was because she knew I had to get back to work. That actually felt good...it's nice to know people give a shit sometimes...especially when my head is in dark and dangerous holes and all I feel are fucked up or wrong emotions.

I still need to cry!