Seems like everything I have touched this week has turned to shit. About the only not getting fucked up is the family life this week, but that's been in part do to my trying to push my shit to the side and not let anyone know.
I have over ten major projects at work right now. I worked on three all week and fucked shit up the entire time. And I have an entire day tomorrow to make it through without destroying any equipment, pissing anyone off, or having any more fucking flashbacks, which I had a bad one tonight.
Today at worked really sucked! I FINALLY finished something that I accidentally fucked up a week ago. What should have been a four hour upgrade operation took a week! When that was done I worked on the next one. This should have only taken an hour...except I grabbed software that was two minor versions behind what it needed to be, which was just enough to break the damn thing. Thank goodness the coworker who honestly seems to know everything was able to spot the error quickly.
The worst part though was tonight. I took my boy to Karate and as I was sitting in the parking lot waiting, I had a horrible flashback that covered more than one occurences of the similar events it seemed. Although the primary event seemed the worst.
What happened: I was sitting in my truck with all of the windows down just enjoying the cold breeze and reading some homework. Somewhere in there the wind and the cold was no longer in my town but was at Camp Anaconda, and Kuwait, and other places of Iraq, sitting in a fucking HUMMWV. The smell was the same, the wind was cutting through my uniform, under my flak jacket. Fuck I am still trying to shake off the feeling...still a little amped. Talking via an email with the Doc about helping other vets, that kinda helped. My wife was a huge help in me calming down a bit. But still I feel like I am fighting to stay in the present and not get lost in the past hells!!!
God help me but I am fucking miserable!!!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Feeling Good....for the most part
I am actually kind of happy to post that I have been feeling pretty good the last couple of weeks. I really am surprised by this, but happy just the same. I think this feeling has a lot to do with the Doc making me read something out loud. What I had to read was actually a blog post I made on here back in October, one that was kind of raw and rambled, but very direct. I had told her that when I had read it out loud to myself in the hotel room, it made me feel really good about myself for a couple of weeks...like a release of pain...much like now. I asked her to look it over to make sure it was at least "good" work I was doing and not just getting happy about nothing good. I guess that's why she made me read it again.
It's kind of funny actually to me about how I am feeling. I am still dealing with symptoms every day, such as nightmares (although they seem to have calmed down from what I remember and what my wife says), some flashbacks, and definitely jumpy. BUT, I feel like I have some hope at a future...strange.
I am not sure how to really explain it but I think I might be feeling like a young alcholic who's been sober for a month and thinks he can handle just one drink. I kinda feel like I can handle not doing therapy, like it would be OK if I just quit. But I think that might not be a good train of thought. I think I might be thinking this because I have been very worried and somewhat angry about my therapy directly.
Part of what I wrote involved Iraq. The Doc made a comment that she hadn't realized, until she read the paper, that I had gone through so MANY attacks in Iraq and had seen multiple deaths during these attacks AND had been close enough to more than one incoming round to knock me on my ass. I don't know if I am mad her for forgetting, or for her verbiage about "not realizing" how bad it was and that she "finally understood" why it affected me so. I actually didn't think anything about it other than it being an odd thing to say at the time. I don't know. She has been really great to me and has saved my life...and maybe my brain. But I guess I was a little hurt or wondering later about how many other things she may have forgotten about things I have said in my sessions. I do believe that she cares but this still really struck me....and I guess I am still concerned about it since I haven't had a session since (and have not been able to ask her about it) AND during some text exchanges last week regarding her not being able to make the session I was a little hurt and worried about her response. I had sent her a message about the fact I was feeling better. She said she was happy to hear this but that I should "PLEASE remember to use" her cell only for emergencies. I guess I just blur lines, or at least appear to blur lines with people. I feel respect, care, and concern for the Doc, like a sister. Maybe that's not appropriate but I can't help the gratitude.
Anyway, I am hoping that this feeling good lasts...or at least feeling like I have hope. I have had a ton of shit go wrong in the last month and it has been really kicking my ass and getting me down on myself. I am also hoping that there is no issues with my therapy. I need that more than most other things in my life right now.
It is great to feel like I have HOPE!!!!
It's kind of funny actually to me about how I am feeling. I am still dealing with symptoms every day, such as nightmares (although they seem to have calmed down from what I remember and what my wife says), some flashbacks, and definitely jumpy. BUT, I feel like I have some hope at a future...strange.
I am not sure how to really explain it but I think I might be feeling like a young alcholic who's been sober for a month and thinks he can handle just one drink. I kinda feel like I can handle not doing therapy, like it would be OK if I just quit. But I think that might not be a good train of thought. I think I might be thinking this because I have been very worried and somewhat angry about my therapy directly.
Part of what I wrote involved Iraq. The Doc made a comment that she hadn't realized, until she read the paper, that I had gone through so MANY attacks in Iraq and had seen multiple deaths during these attacks AND had been close enough to more than one incoming round to knock me on my ass. I don't know if I am mad her for forgetting, or for her verbiage about "not realizing" how bad it was and that she "finally understood" why it affected me so. I actually didn't think anything about it other than it being an odd thing to say at the time. I don't know. She has been really great to me and has saved my life...and maybe my brain. But I guess I was a little hurt or wondering later about how many other things she may have forgotten about things I have said in my sessions. I do believe that she cares but this still really struck me....and I guess I am still concerned about it since I haven't had a session since (and have not been able to ask her about it) AND during some text exchanges last week regarding her not being able to make the session I was a little hurt and worried about her response. I had sent her a message about the fact I was feeling better. She said she was happy to hear this but that I should "PLEASE remember to use" her cell only for emergencies. I guess I just blur lines, or at least appear to blur lines with people. I feel respect, care, and concern for the Doc, like a sister. Maybe that's not appropriate but I can't help the gratitude.
Anyway, I am hoping that this feeling good lasts...or at least feeling like I have hope. I have had a ton of shit go wrong in the last month and it has been really kicking my ass and getting me down on myself. I am also hoping that there is no issues with my therapy. I need that more than most other things in my life right now.
It is great to feel like I have HOPE!!!!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Am I lazy or do I enjoy my PTSD??? Who knows???
Sometimes it is just easier I think to hate yourself and to constantly remind yourself of the "blame" that you feel. At least for me it is, but I don't know why. One would think that it is easier in the long run to work a little at facing down the trauma, learning how to treat/deal with the symptoms. This last week or so I have been doing pretty well with NOT focusing on any of my trauma histories. I have had a chunk of flashbacks,
jumpiness, being too alert, and smelling old horrible scents from the past. I did get a little pissed at one person who tries to help me a lot but I am hoping the reason I got mad is only a misinterpretation.
I started writing this post earlier and had a specific focus in mind...but I have since forgotten what it was. I think my earlier point was about me just being lazy...or at least sometimes being lazy. It might be more than this, or even something else, such as a self-destructive or self-hating attitude. I don't know. I know that some days I absolutely hate who I am, or at minimum how I feel and think.
But I also know that I have to WORK at not thinking this way. To find those positive things about me that might exist and to work on handling the lies the brain tells about me. I can BELIEVE that I didn't launch the mortar and that I did pull the trigger on the insurgent and that I didn't ask to be raped as a child by three different groups of people.
Maybe it's time to focus on those things and to work at not being lazy about getting better and to know and believe that I do NOT enjoy my PTSD!!!!
jumpiness, being too alert, and smelling old horrible scents from the past. I did get a little pissed at one person who tries to help me a lot but I am hoping the reason I got mad is only a misinterpretation.
I started writing this post earlier and had a specific focus in mind...but I have since forgotten what it was. I think my earlier point was about me just being lazy...or at least sometimes being lazy. It might be more than this, or even something else, such as a self-destructive or self-hating attitude. I don't know. I know that some days I absolutely hate who I am, or at minimum how I feel and think.
But I also know that I have to WORK at not thinking this way. To find those positive things about me that might exist and to work on handling the lies the brain tells about me. I can BELIEVE that I didn't launch the mortar and that I did pull the trigger on the insurgent and that I didn't ask to be raped as a child by three different groups of people.
Maybe it's time to focus on those things and to work at not being lazy about getting better and to know and believe that I do NOT enjoy my PTSD!!!!
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