Blogger App for iOS and Droid

I don't like the iPhone...or ANYTHING made by those bastards at Apple. Actually, there MIGHT be some OK people there. But I digress.

In any event, I saw this posting about a new Blogger app for the iOS and Droid. As a blogger myself, and a huge supporter of Droid, I thought it would be good somewhat relavent to support this one.

The post:
http://buzz.blogger.com/2011/09/announcing-blogger-app-for-ios.html

Unwinding and Focus

The last two weeks have been really rough in terms of nightmares and fighting with the wife and just a SHITLOAD of triggers. The Doc made some really good, but tough, comments on an interaction that she witnessed months ago between my wife and my kids and my kids and I. The gist was that I needed to remember that I learned a lot of wrong things as a child due to my trauma, only to be punctuated by Iraq, and that I should pay more attention to how I teach and talk with my children. There was a lot more to it, but that's a whole different post. One good final point that she made was that I should/could change my focus from being so obsessed about the recent nightmares/triggers, and to think more on how I am raising my children. So for the last couple of days, that has actually helped a lot. I did send a text message to tell her thanks...no reply, but that's to be expected I guess. One thing that struck me as odd...I have kinda thought for a while that I could tell sometimes that the Doc had more she wanted to say at this or that point/session...and her waiting quite a few months to mention this I think is evidence of that. She really is a great Doc and I told her that there wasn't a whole lot that she could say to piss me off. Her reply was to the affect of that she thinks a lot about the timing of things, including things she says to her patients.

Tonight we had some friends over for BBQ and beer. I only had a couple of beers....didn't want to get shitfaced and some of our friends were being VERY loud and a little too dirty for the younger ears in the house. Had a good time but by 9pm I was just ready for a quiet house. Between shopping today and a LOT of fucking pain in my lower legs, I was kind of on edge most of the day. It was however really great to just kind of kick back and hang with some friends. The last two weeks had been SO bad that I was really going south mentally and just fucking hating life. I wasn't even all that happy to go see the Doc, which usually brightens my week unless I know I am doing exposure therapy stuff that day. But the comments she made really made me take pause about my focus and about my children. I feel like I just want to tell everyone how I feel and what they mean to me...the few I actually give a fuck about anyway. Maybe I could just write some letters that maybe one day I could send?

PTSD App for Android

Decent app for the droid:
http://www.appbrain.com/app/ptsd-support-for-veterans/com.mobileroadie.app_718

Trying to get to the actual site for the app is crap...but the app is an ok way to vent or check in or to find resources.

PTSD and my wife

There has been, for some time now, this strange phenomenom in my household: If I speak VERY highly of my wife while being away from home, she is a complete bitch at home but if I speak poorly of her away from home, she's fucking awesome when I get home. This happens CONSISTENTLY like a poor joke.

So tonight she was being bitchy, kinda anyway, and she has been for about 5 days now (this does coincide with good ol' Aunt Flo coming to visit...EVERY fucking month!!!) As we were leaving the rib shack tonight after dinner, she asked if I wanted to go to Lowe's to get some blinds for the house (we need 2 last sets). I had told her no, that I just wanted to get home. Her response was that I "never want to be around people" and that she's "getting sick of it." WTF??? She knows that I don't do good in crowds and that I have already been having a rough 10 or so days due to a bunch of fucking nightmares. So what does this have to do with my original comments above???

Today the Doc made some rather pointed, but correct, comments regarding my wife and I and how she (the Doc) thought about how we were treating our children. She pointed out some things that I have noticed in how I talk to my son...maybe a little to "toughly"...and it's actually somehting that I hav been thinking about for some time now.  However, she also mentioned how my wife was treating (being hard on) one of my daughters. The Doc actually referenced the possibility (fact?!) that my wife has piss-poor self-esteem(my words) due to her own weight problem and health. On top of that we talked aobut my feelings about my marriage and how 50% of the time, I just want OUT!!!I don't know if I would feel this way if my wife had a move even-keel (normal) temper and better self-esteem. I do know that it's something I was thinking of LONG before the Doc said anything. 

Sometimes I think that she is way too good for me...sometimes I think I am way too ogood for her. I DO love her, deeply, which is probably the biggest reason why I stay(and that I believe she might hurt herself of my kids if I leave). But, when ALL of my friends since my youngest daughter was born and the wife gained all the weight have said the same shit the Doc was saying today...it makes me really wonder aobut what the fuck I am doing, and what I need to do and what I should do. I mean, very few of my friends have ever been able to put up with her long...and a LOT have just flat out avoided us becuas they can't stand her yelling and temper.

AAAAGGGGGHHHH. So WHAT do I DO??? I am going to ride it out for now. After this visit with Aunt Flo, I am going to give her a pointed letter (face-to-face will not work as she NEVER admits ANY wrongdoing) and ask her if she will see a counselor or something. I don't know if between my PTSD struggles, stress at work and school, and her on-again/off-again niceness, if I could do many more years of this without loosing my mind or hurting someone, including myself.

It's too bad she can't just easily slip back into how she was before all the post-partum crap. I mean, I KNOW I have changed since Iraq and the memories of being raped multiple times came flooding back. I don't think anyone else would have me. I mean, Angela and Marissa would probably both jump if I said I was coming to get them....but they are not really what I think I want full time...I guess??? I do know that I wish my wife, or whoever I end up growing old with, is more like the Doc. At least in the intelligence, compassion, AND looks department. She's got her flaws, I assume anyway, and she knows way TOO much personally to ever actually be interested in a lost cause like me...but someone like her...and it would be great if the wife started developing these traits...that would fucking rock!!!

Just quickly ranting becuase I feel like it

How many others out there know what it feels like to physically feel a memory from long ago? To feel the tremors from a mortar or rocket round, to hear over and over the song of the bulluts over your head, or even worse, to feel those people raping me....3 different sets of people over 10 years?

How bad is it for others who experience these sensations while doing normal things like work or playing with your kids. It's so frustrating to be at work and have to fight for reality....to realize that I am in my office, not in Iraq or in a child molesters fucking bed.

WTF??? This shit has to go away soon or I don't know what I will do.

Really good session today...some progress maybe

Don't know that I really feel like writing a whole lot tonight....fucking exhausted. I actually fell asleep in the gym parking lot this morning...before going to work out. :-(
I did have a really really good session today. The doc said some things last week about changing my therapy schedule, and by today I was really fucking freaking out and expecting her to say that she was gonna move me once a month or even worse. I mean REALLY freaked out...I even wrote a letter (yes, PEN and INK) to her about why I wasn't ready for that. Turns out I was worried for nothing. :-) She offered to do once a week, but I think we both agreed that I could handle every two weeks. Discussed how much or how little I should be bugging her and for what things. I think we both came to the same conclusions that I do send her things that really could wait until the next session. Additionally, we talked about how I think of her as a friend...even if she can't or doesn't want to think of me as a friend. It's too bad about the way things are, but she's a HELL of a doctor and that's the most important thing to me...important enough that I do my damnedest to avoid/suppress any other possible feelings towards her, although I admit that I am almost certain they are there. I deny them because without the therapy I believe I would be dead before I turn 40...and right now, today at least, I would really like to live at least that long!
So we talked about some of what's been eating me and I ALMOST cried!!! I wanted to....but I held it back. Not sure why I held it back but I did. I feel so bad and shitty and horrible and worthless. My misery overtakes my anger or my anger overtakes my misery...not a whole lot left in between that battle. :-(
My new homework is to focus on things I KNOW and to not focus on things I don't know or, more importantly, things I CAN'T/WILL NEVER know! I guess the doc's hoping I will see some good in me at some point...something worth saving even maybe??? She wants me to look at everything...my trauma's, my relationships, my acquintances, my life as a whole and in it's separate parts. Since I know that this hasn't been read a whole lot, if at all, I think I will post it up here as well.
I just want to get rid of this pain and self-hatred and try to find some happiness.

Compounded Problems

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. PTSD that stems from really shitty combat experiences as well as some really shitty childhood sexual trauma. In addition to that, I have nerve damage, high cholesterol, migraines, and just a too much other shit. So...I take a LOT of medication. Medication for depression, pain, nerve regeneration, and cluster migraines.

Now, after years of taking all this shit...and I should mention that the VA still isn't rating me on the actual thing that got me out of the Army to begin with. Anyway, after a few years of all of this...it feels like things are getting actually worse. The therapy has been rough recently...very rough...and now I have concerns that there is something else wrong with me physically. Not going to get into on here...otherwise I wouldn't get any fucking sleep tonight.

Anyway, I have group tomorrow. I haven't been in a while..about a month or so. I am looking forward to going, but kind of apprehensive. The format has changed and tomorrow is only for those vets from the original group who have also gone through either CPT or PE, or both. So I am not certain how many of the original group is going to be there. Other than that, I have some other concerns as well but don't think I am going to put them on here right now. They kind of revolve around other things that I have put on here...but now some other questions and concerns need to be worked out. :-(