Am I lazy or do I enjoy my PTSD??? Who knows???

Sometimes it is just easier I think to hate yourself and to constantly remind yourself of the "blame" that you feel. At least for me it is, but I don't know why. One would think that it is easier in the long run to work a little at facing down the trauma, learning how to treat/deal with the symptoms. This last week or so I have been doing pretty well with NOT focusing on any of my trauma histories. I have had a chunk of flashbacks,
jumpiness, being too alert, and smelling old horrible scents from the past. I did get a little pissed at one person who tries to help me a lot but I am hoping the reason I got mad is only a misinterpretation.

I started writing this post earlier and had a specific focus in mind...but I have since forgotten what it was. I think my earlier point was about me just being lazy...or at least sometimes being lazy. It might be more than this, or even something else, such as a self-destructive or self-hating attitude. I don't know. I know that some days I absolutely hate who I am, or at minimum how I feel and think.

But I also know that I have to WORK at not thinking this way. To find those positive things about me that might exist and to work on handling the lies the brain tells about me. I can BELIEVE that I didn't launch the mortar and that I did pull the trigger on the insurgent and that I didn't ask to be raped as a child by three different groups of people.

Maybe it's time to focus on those things and to work at not being lazy about getting better and to know and believe that I do NOT enjoy my PTSD!!!!

PTSD: Symptoms and Emotions

I have been in therapy for almost 2 years. I think it has been extremely helpful, especially considering the times I didn't kill myself even when I had thought about it. One thing I just realized though...I have NO idea what the actual symptons are for PTSD. I could name a few, but only in generic terms related specifically to me, if that makes sense.
Things I think are symptoms:
- I am afraid to go into crowds.
- I am paranoid about people trying to kill me, blow me up, shoot me, or rape me.
- I think people are talking about me all the time, or think little/nothing of me, or just think I am stupid
- I jump at a large set of noises
- I can't sleep without medication or else I am waking with horrible fucking nightmares
- I feel guilty about a LOT of things from both Iraq, and my fucking childhood

One thing I do know, I have been unable to really HAVE any emotions or show any feelings. I think that this is a symptom too??? I have sat probably 20 times, at least, in the Doc's office and been on the verge of tears...yet I never let myself cry. Even when I wanted to so badly, I still managed to stop myself. I have been holding in a LOT of emotions and I need to find a way to express them in their true forms...but safely for both me and those around me. It's not just the crying...it's the anger too. But the anger I do easily find ways to express...although not always the healthiest, I have at least not beat anyone's ass recently.

But crying...that's something I don't seem to be able to do unless I am stone cold fucking drunk. I did cry some when I read aloud an entry I made on here back in October...when I heard myself say outloud some of the fucked up shit those people did to me as a child. The last few weeks I really haven't even been struck with a need to cry when I am thinking about any of my traumas (except for once in the Doc's office). Until Yesterday.

I took my son to his first ever football game at my favorite college. It wasa  BIG, and important game. My dad couldn't make it, which bothered me the whole time. In addition to that bothering me, I got triggered by a few distinct things, not the least of which was that the chic in front me looked just like the last bitch who involved me in her fucked up games of raping kids...which also happened to occur about 100 miles away from where I was sitting at the time I saw her.

So there I was, an emotional and important game, multiple triggers of both my combat PTSD and my childhood sexual abuse PTSD, sitting with my son at his first game. The end of the game came and it was time to leave. Oddly enough, I got wrapped up in the emotion of EVERYTHING I just listed and I really, REALLY had to hold back tears so that I didn't end up crying like a fucking baby in front of my son and a TON of people.

So what do I do now....I REALLY feel like I NEED to cry. I feel like I need to let all of this emotion out and just fucking explode...cry, scream, hit, kick, punch, hide...something, anything. I don't know if I can move on until I do this....but why won't I let myself. I get why I held it back at the stadium...but WHY can't I let ig flow in a safe place like the Doc's office, my truck, or my own fucking house????