How many others out there know what it feels like to physically feel a memory from long ago? To feel the tremors from a mortar or rocket round, to hear over and over the song of the bulluts over your head, or even worse, to feel those people raping me....3 different sets of people over 10 years?
How bad is it for others who experience these sensations while doing normal things like work or playing with your kids. It's so frustrating to be at work and have to fight for reality....to realize that I am in my office, not in Iraq or in a child molesters fucking bed.
WTF??? This shit has to go away soon or I don't know what I will do.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Really good session today...some progress maybe
Don't know that I really feel like writing a whole lot tonight....fucking exhausted. I actually fell asleep in the gym parking lot this morning...before going to work out. :-(
I did have a really really good session today. The doc said some things last week about changing my therapy schedule, and by today I was really fucking freaking out and expecting her to say that she was gonna move me once a month or even worse. I mean REALLY freaked out...I even wrote a letter (yes, PEN and INK) to her about why I wasn't ready for that. Turns out I was worried for nothing. :-) She offered to do once a week, but I think we both agreed that I could handle every two weeks. Discussed how much or how little I should be bugging her and for what things. I think we both came to the same conclusions that I do send her things that really could wait until the next session. Additionally, we talked about how I think of her as a friend...even if she can't or doesn't want to think of me as a friend. It's too bad about the way things are, but she's a HELL of a doctor and that's the most important thing to me...important enough that I do my damnedest to avoid/suppress any other possible feelings towards her, although I admit that I am almost certain they are there. I deny them because without the therapy I believe I would be dead before I turn 40...and right now, today at least, I would really like to live at least that long!
So we talked about some of what's been eating me and I ALMOST cried!!! I wanted to....but I held it back. Not sure why I held it back but I did. I feel so bad and shitty and horrible and worthless. My misery overtakes my anger or my anger overtakes my misery...not a whole lot left in between that battle. :-(
My new homework is to focus on things I KNOW and to not focus on things I don't know or, more importantly, things I CAN'T/WILL NEVER know! I guess the doc's hoping I will see some good in me at some point...something worth saving even maybe??? She wants me to look at everything...my trauma's, my relationships, my acquintances, my life as a whole and in it's separate parts. Since I know that this hasn't been read a whole lot, if at all, I think I will post it up here as well.
I just want to get rid of this pain and self-hatred and try to find some happiness.
I did have a really really good session today. The doc said some things last week about changing my therapy schedule, and by today I was really fucking freaking out and expecting her to say that she was gonna move me once a month or even worse. I mean REALLY freaked out...I even wrote a letter (yes, PEN and INK) to her about why I wasn't ready for that. Turns out I was worried for nothing. :-) She offered to do once a week, but I think we both agreed that I could handle every two weeks. Discussed how much or how little I should be bugging her and for what things. I think we both came to the same conclusions that I do send her things that really could wait until the next session. Additionally, we talked about how I think of her as a friend...even if she can't or doesn't want to think of me as a friend. It's too bad about the way things are, but she's a HELL of a doctor and that's the most important thing to me...important enough that I do my damnedest to avoid/suppress any other possible feelings towards her, although I admit that I am almost certain they are there. I deny them because without the therapy I believe I would be dead before I turn 40...and right now, today at least, I would really like to live at least that long!
So we talked about some of what's been eating me and I ALMOST cried!!! I wanted to....but I held it back. Not sure why I held it back but I did. I feel so bad and shitty and horrible and worthless. My misery overtakes my anger or my anger overtakes my misery...not a whole lot left in between that battle. :-(
My new homework is to focus on things I KNOW and to not focus on things I don't know or, more importantly, things I CAN'T/WILL NEVER know! I guess the doc's hoping I will see some good in me at some point...something worth saving even maybe??? She wants me to look at everything...my trauma's, my relationships, my acquintances, my life as a whole and in it's separate parts. Since I know that this hasn't been read a whole lot, if at all, I think I will post it up here as well.
I just want to get rid of this pain and self-hatred and try to find some happiness.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Compounded Problems
A few years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. PTSD that stems from really shitty combat experiences as well as some really shitty childhood sexual trauma. In addition to that, I have nerve damage, high cholesterol, migraines, and just a too much other shit. So...I take a LOT of medication. Medication for depression, pain, nerve regeneration, and cluster migraines.
Now, after years of taking all this shit...and I should mention that the VA still isn't rating me on the actual thing that got me out of the Army to begin with. Anyway, after a few years of all of this...it feels like things are getting actually worse. The therapy has been rough recently...very rough...and now I have concerns that there is something else wrong with me physically. Not going to get into on here...otherwise I wouldn't get any fucking sleep tonight.
Anyway, I have group tomorrow. I haven't been in a while..about a month or so. I am looking forward to going, but kind of apprehensive. The format has changed and tomorrow is only for those vets from the original group who have also gone through either CPT or PE, or both. So I am not certain how many of the original group is going to be there. Other than that, I have some other concerns as well but don't think I am going to put them on here right now. They kind of revolve around other things that I have put on here...but now some other questions and concerns need to be worked out. :-(
Now, after years of taking all this shit...and I should mention that the VA still isn't rating me on the actual thing that got me out of the Army to begin with. Anyway, after a few years of all of this...it feels like things are getting actually worse. The therapy has been rough recently...very rough...and now I have concerns that there is something else wrong with me physically. Not going to get into on here...otherwise I wouldn't get any fucking sleep tonight.
Anyway, I have group tomorrow. I haven't been in a while..about a month or so. I am looking forward to going, but kind of apprehensive. The format has changed and tomorrow is only for those vets from the original group who have also gone through either CPT or PE, or both. So I am not certain how many of the original group is going to be there. Other than that, I have some other concerns as well but don't think I am going to put them on here right now. They kind of revolve around other things that I have put on here...but now some other questions and concerns need to be worked out. :-(
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Down the Rabbit Hole again...and again...and again!
So I've been going around in circles and down fucking rabbit holes for awhile! Time in Hawaii was fun...but then flashbacks were a bitch. Hadn't seen the Doc for almost month when I went in there yesterday. Session was pretty good....but weird. Sometimes the doc makes faces and/or uses words that really make me wonder where her head was. Point in fact, if she wasn't my Doc, or if at least the conversation wasn't about what it actually was about...then I'd actually wonder if she wasn't starting to feel too close to me. Not necessarily in a sexual way....maybe in a way that's more than "brother" but less than "boyfriend." I would LOVE to ask her....but it's not worth the risk. I need HER help, and I have my own baggage and dependents anyway. If I wasn't so fucked up and so married, I would definitely have already done my best to hit on her.
In any event, the point of this post is that I am just fucking hating life right now. I did have some "dangerous" thoughts while away in Hawaii...but I didn't want to share that with the Doc or anyone...I didn't do ANYTHING to act on them since I really don't even like the idea of dying. Having a month off from the Doc really sucked ass...I really needed to talk with her about 15million times...and I just kinda missed her as a friend.
So over the last month -> I have been having a ton of questions about my childhood abuse and about Iraq. I have had too many dreams and too many flashbacks and too much guilt. The last few nights have been really horrible in the sex department too. So much so that I don't even WANT sex tonight despite my wife's very high libido and subsequent aggrevation about me telling her it's not going to happen. What's the actual problem?
The problem has been the frequency and types of memories that have been forcing their way into my head while having sex with my wife: childhood abuse AND Iraq. Then I get one of too reactions: I either loose my erection IMMEDIATELY (and my wife thinks it is due to the drugs I take)....or I cum instantly and then feel disgusted becuase my body reacted with physical excitment to such horrible, HORRIBLE, and PAINFUL memories.
So now I am going to journal more, a LOT MORE, and try to pick the Doc's brain about everything until I feel even just a little fucking better!
In any event, the point of this post is that I am just fucking hating life right now. I did have some "dangerous" thoughts while away in Hawaii...but I didn't want to share that with the Doc or anyone...I didn't do ANYTHING to act on them since I really don't even like the idea of dying. Having a month off from the Doc really sucked ass...I really needed to talk with her about 15million times...and I just kinda missed her as a friend.
So over the last month -> I have been having a ton of questions about my childhood abuse and about Iraq. I have had too many dreams and too many flashbacks and too much guilt. The last few nights have been really horrible in the sex department too. So much so that I don't even WANT sex tonight despite my wife's very high libido and subsequent aggrevation about me telling her it's not going to happen. What's the actual problem?
The problem has been the frequency and types of memories that have been forcing their way into my head while having sex with my wife: childhood abuse AND Iraq. Then I get one of too reactions: I either loose my erection IMMEDIATELY (and my wife thinks it is due to the drugs I take)....or I cum instantly and then feel disgusted becuase my body reacted with physical excitment to such horrible, HORRIBLE, and PAINFUL memories.
So now I am going to journal more, a LOT MORE, and try to pick the Doc's brain about everything until I feel even just a little fucking better!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Just Checking In with Myself
So the Doc's back this week....that's over three weeks since I have had any contact with her. She went somewhere where she wasn't sure her cell would work...or how much it would cost and I am pretty sure she doesn't get her email outside of the VA. So....despite quite a few shitty experiences, I am kind of proud AND yet sad, that I made it for three whole weeks with out emailing, calling, or texting her.
I am proud becuase it makes me realize that I, ME, made it through those rough times with the flashbacks, the horrible memories, and the other shit of misery. Despite being at a Luaua and having to strenously fight to remember that I was in Hawaii and NOT at Camp Anaconda, I made it through without having to call the Doc. That was REALLY hard becuase I really wanted to talk with her and felt like I needed help. Another time that was a bitch was when I actually had some time to hang with a friend who lived out there. We got a little drunk...although I didn't drink anywhere near as much as I "felt" like I did the next morning...but I think that's a whole nother issue. In any event, I woke up VERY early at my buddies house, despite having gotten back from the bar a few hours earlier. I was up for the day and fucking miserable so I decided to turn on my radio and check out the Hawaiian music scene....dumb fucking choice and I didn't even see it coming!!!!! A song came on that was popular when I was a kid...when I was a kid going through the second round of sexual abuse by a new group of fuckheads. I have a very clear memory now....and I don't know why it never bothered me before or why I had never remembered it before...of that song playing on the TV in the babysitters living room while the daughter wanted me to smell her fucking feet. Somehow this led to us playing in the back room...which was me more or less having to do all this stupid shit while being naked. It was that day, when her mom, the fucking babysitter, came in the room and my second round of hell...and in a lot of ways the WORST round...began. The woman was crazy. She had us punished by the husband, but then she was all nice and sweet...while having us get undressed all the way. I am not going into details here becuase it fucking makes me want to puke my life and soul out...maybe be dead. Is that so bad an idea sometimes???? I don't know how to answer that one. All I know is that I get confused to this day when it comes to what people, especially women, are thinking or wanting when they seem to be in too much of one extreme mood. This woman was "nice" about us (there were four of us kids there, including their two kids) getting raped. She was screaming about how bad it was that I had my pants off...and I was about 6/7 fucking years old, laughing when her husband spanked our bare asses, and then all sweet and not wanting him to "hurt us" while we got abused by that fuck and her.
OK....gotten myself a LOT worked up now...gonna stop thinking and writing about it. The point was that I was, I think, well within reason of HAVING to call the Doc, or her stand-in, but that I didn't. I breathed, and rationalized, and centered my way through each time until each hell or memory or thought or feeling went away.
I was also sad though that I was able to do this. Not sad in a miserable or depressed way...but then I am not sure in what way it was though. The big bottom line is that I just MISSED my Doc. I'd say it's about 50/50 on what I missed. I mean, I needed the sessions and I REALLY could have used her help during those times. But I also think of her as a friend and since I don't have that many (maybe 3???) and I try to talk to them every week....it was kinda sad not being able to talk with the Doc. Plus, there is the realization that whatever her trip was (work, vacation, honeymoon, Antartica, Barbados, ets.)...it's really none of my business. I guess it really pisses me off too. I remember when my mother's shrink would go to lunch with her twenty years ago. Now, there are so many fucking rules, and maybe some of them are the Doc's choice, but there is apparently NO way that we could ever be real friends. I believe that I will never be able to invite her over to a BBQ with my wife, kids, and other friends or that, as another example, I have NO business asking her any personal questions (which does seem onesided no matter HOW you slice it).
I think I have lamented on this before, and it is somewhat...bad?...that I am apparently so bothered by this. I sometimes wonder how much of my feelings for the Doc I am ignoring or glossing over...and how much of that really matters any. The important thing is that I found a Doc that I can trust, who has the kick-ass skills to help me, and who's one of the best people I have EVER met!!!!
I am proud becuase it makes me realize that I, ME, made it through those rough times with the flashbacks, the horrible memories, and the other shit of misery. Despite being at a Luaua and having to strenously fight to remember that I was in Hawaii and NOT at Camp Anaconda, I made it through without having to call the Doc. That was REALLY hard becuase I really wanted to talk with her and felt like I needed help. Another time that was a bitch was when I actually had some time to hang with a friend who lived out there. We got a little drunk...although I didn't drink anywhere near as much as I "felt" like I did the next morning...but I think that's a whole nother issue. In any event, I woke up VERY early at my buddies house, despite having gotten back from the bar a few hours earlier. I was up for the day and fucking miserable so I decided to turn on my radio and check out the Hawaiian music scene....dumb fucking choice and I didn't even see it coming!!!!! A song came on that was popular when I was a kid...when I was a kid going through the second round of sexual abuse by a new group of fuckheads. I have a very clear memory now....and I don't know why it never bothered me before or why I had never remembered it before...of that song playing on the TV in the babysitters living room while the daughter wanted me to smell her fucking feet. Somehow this led to us playing in the back room...which was me more or less having to do all this stupid shit while being naked. It was that day, when her mom, the fucking babysitter, came in the room and my second round of hell...and in a lot of ways the WORST round...began. The woman was crazy. She had us punished by the husband, but then she was all nice and sweet...while having us get undressed all the way. I am not going into details here becuase it fucking makes me want to puke my life and soul out...maybe be dead. Is that so bad an idea sometimes???? I don't know how to answer that one. All I know is that I get confused to this day when it comes to what people, especially women, are thinking or wanting when they seem to be in too much of one extreme mood. This woman was "nice" about us (there were four of us kids there, including their two kids) getting raped. She was screaming about how bad it was that I had my pants off...and I was about 6/7 fucking years old, laughing when her husband spanked our bare asses, and then all sweet and not wanting him to "hurt us" while we got abused by that fuck and her.
OK....gotten myself a LOT worked up now...gonna stop thinking and writing about it. The point was that I was, I think, well within reason of HAVING to call the Doc, or her stand-in, but that I didn't. I breathed, and rationalized, and centered my way through each time until each hell or memory or thought or feeling went away.
I was also sad though that I was able to do this. Not sad in a miserable or depressed way...but then I am not sure in what way it was though. The big bottom line is that I just MISSED my Doc. I'd say it's about 50/50 on what I missed. I mean, I needed the sessions and I REALLY could have used her help during those times. But I also think of her as a friend and since I don't have that many (maybe 3???) and I try to talk to them every week....it was kinda sad not being able to talk with the Doc. Plus, there is the realization that whatever her trip was (work, vacation, honeymoon, Antartica, Barbados, ets.)...it's really none of my business. I guess it really pisses me off too. I remember when my mother's shrink would go to lunch with her twenty years ago. Now, there are so many fucking rules, and maybe some of them are the Doc's choice, but there is apparently NO way that we could ever be real friends. I believe that I will never be able to invite her over to a BBQ with my wife, kids, and other friends or that, as another example, I have NO business asking her any personal questions (which does seem onesided no matter HOW you slice it).
I think I have lamented on this before, and it is somewhat...bad?...that I am apparently so bothered by this. I sometimes wonder how much of my feelings for the Doc I am ignoring or glossing over...and how much of that really matters any. The important thing is that I found a Doc that I can trust, who has the kick-ass skills to help me, and who's one of the best people I have EVER met!!!!
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