So I've been going around in circles and down fucking rabbit holes for awhile! Time in Hawaii was fun...but then flashbacks were a bitch. Hadn't seen the Doc for almost month when I went in there yesterday. Session was pretty good....but weird. Sometimes the doc makes faces and/or uses words that really make me wonder where her head was. Point in fact, if she wasn't my Doc, or if at least the conversation wasn't about what it actually was about...then I'd actually wonder if she wasn't starting to feel too close to me. Not necessarily in a sexual way....maybe in a way that's more than "brother" but less than "boyfriend." I would LOVE to ask her....but it's not worth the risk. I need HER help, and I have my own baggage and dependents anyway. If I wasn't so fucked up and so married, I would definitely have already done my best to hit on her.
In any event, the point of this post is that I am just fucking hating life right now. I did have some "dangerous" thoughts while away in Hawaii...but I didn't want to share that with the Doc or anyone...I didn't do ANYTHING to act on them since I really don't even like the idea of dying. Having a month off from the Doc really sucked ass...I really needed to talk with her about 15million times...and I just kinda missed her as a friend.
So over the last month -> I have been having a ton of questions about my childhood abuse and about Iraq. I have had too many dreams and too many flashbacks and too much guilt. The last few nights have been really horrible in the sex department too. So much so that I don't even WANT sex tonight despite my wife's very high libido and subsequent aggrevation about me telling her it's not going to happen. What's the actual problem?
The problem has been the frequency and types of memories that have been forcing their way into my head while having sex with my wife: childhood abuse AND Iraq. Then I get one of too reactions: I either loose my erection IMMEDIATELY (and my wife thinks it is due to the drugs I take)....or I cum instantly and then feel disgusted becuase my body reacted with physical excitment to such horrible, HORRIBLE, and PAINFUL memories.
So now I am going to journal more, a LOT MORE, and try to pick the Doc's brain about everything until I feel even just a little fucking better!
No comments:
Post a Comment