Seems like everything I have touched this week has turned to shit. About the only not getting fucked up is the family life this week, but that's been in part do to my trying to push my shit to the side and not let anyone know.
I have over ten major projects at work right now. I worked on three all week and fucked shit up the entire time. And I have an entire day tomorrow to make it through without destroying any equipment, pissing anyone off, or having any more fucking flashbacks, which I had a bad one tonight.
Today at worked really sucked! I FINALLY finished something that I accidentally fucked up a week ago. What should have been a four hour upgrade operation took a week! When that was done I worked on the next one. This should have only taken an hour...except I grabbed software that was two minor versions behind what it needed to be, which was just enough to break the damn thing. Thank goodness the coworker who honestly seems to know everything was able to spot the error quickly.
The worst part though was tonight. I took my boy to Karate and as I was sitting in the parking lot waiting, I had a horrible flashback that covered more than one occurences of the similar events it seemed. Although the primary event seemed the worst.
What happened: I was sitting in my truck with all of the windows down just enjoying the cold breeze and reading some homework. Somewhere in there the wind and the cold was no longer in my town but was at Camp Anaconda, and Kuwait, and other places of Iraq, sitting in a fucking HUMMWV. The smell was the same, the wind was cutting through my uniform, under my flak jacket. Fuck I am still trying to shake off the feeling...still a little amped. Talking via an email with the Doc about helping other vets, that kinda helped. My wife was a huge help in me calming down a bit. But still I feel like I am fighting to stay in the present and not get lost in the past hells!!!
God help me but I am fucking miserable!!!
Showing posts with label Anaconda. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anaconda. Show all posts
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Physical emotions?
Sometimes I wonder about my memory and wish I had time to learn more about how the human brain, body, and senses. It is peculiar and yet frustrating how senses can trigger memories, and how memories can arise in senses...if I am stating that correctly?
Sometimes, and I don't just mean during a flashback, I can feel, smell, taste, and hear things. And let me just say now that this is far more unpleasant than it is pleasant. But how does it work??? How can I be at my desk doing homework, like tonight, and smell the same smell that permeated my site in Iraq. Or, how can I be talking through a painful childhood experience and actually feel the same physical pain I felt then?
It's 1 am and I have to be up at 530. My house is set to 72 degrees, yet it feels like 172 degrees in my office upstairs (maybe all the computers running??? lol ) and just makes me think of my damn trailer that I was in the last six months in Iraq. It's not a flashback, but a lot of the physical memories keep coming to me...the uncomfortable bed I am sitting on using my laptop, the sound of the window AC working too fucking hard, the find dust on my fingers and keyboard that punctuates every keystroke. It's probably a great time for me to go to bed, yet I feel like talking or sharing or explaining or just doing SOMETHING!!! At least tomorrow (today on the east coast) I will only have to be at work for a little bit and then go to a pretty fun function. Of course, I will be tired as shit, as usual, and that means I have to watch my temper and attitude and mindfulness, lest I get my ass into trouble with any number of people that I actually care about. Those people are all the ones I wish I could talk to right now...not that any one thing is bothering me...just a little...amped???...but not in the "fight or flight" way. More in the "just let me get it off my chest" way, if that makes sense. I could go wake my wife up and annoy the shit outta her...except she's already annoyed that I had to get some homework done TONIGHT, instead of have crazy hot sex with her. Tomorrow I could talk the ear off of any number of people, including at least 2 who I really care about, and who I believe (at least half the time) care about me. But that's tomorrow...not right now.
Right now I just want to talk, so I am typing here at 50 words per minute while my brain is going 5 million words per second. Quite the disconnect I think. What's going through my head: Iraq, the PX, that poor and fatal choice I made on the fence, sex with my wife, sex with old girlfriends, my kids, my illegitamate kids, moving, not moving, Iraq, Anaconda (what a fucking place that was...Mortaritaville we called it), incoming rounds, incoming alerts, tracers over my head, bullets hitting the building, that bitch teacher, the shadowman, the fucking barmaid, the assholes in the middle (I should put the names of the accused, that I can remember, on here..wouldn't that be cathartic!!!!), therapy, progress in therapy, failures in therapy, do I continue therapy?, is the Doc just going through the motions?, if the Doc isn't than does that mean concern and help is genuine and will be there when I need it for a least a little while longer, talking more with my wife, talking more with my children, my childhood, missing Michigan, hating Florida, hating some people, hating myself, loving myself, the sound of the generators at my site on Anaconda (loud fuckers they were!), having webcam sex with my wife(and almost getting caught by female section Sergeant), having crazy sex with my wife, staying up to do homework and MISSING sex with my wife, sleep, not getting sleep, bad fucking dreams, good dreams, crazy and wierd dreams, dreams that don't make sense, dreams that will never come true, dreams that might unfortunately come true, my mother, my father, my job, my houses, my fucking dogs and fish.....
Too much in the head and I just need to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. Going to stop here and get some sleep, or at least try. Guess I can try to check back in within myself on here tomorrow. Which reminds me...I think I have to move this blog or do something to make it more private. Not only HAVE people actually read things on here, someone put a link to it on facebook....WTF is that about?????
Sometimes, and I don't just mean during a flashback, I can feel, smell, taste, and hear things. And let me just say now that this is far more unpleasant than it is pleasant. But how does it work??? How can I be at my desk doing homework, like tonight, and smell the same smell that permeated my site in Iraq. Or, how can I be talking through a painful childhood experience and actually feel the same physical pain I felt then?
It's 1 am and I have to be up at 530. My house is set to 72 degrees, yet it feels like 172 degrees in my office upstairs (maybe all the computers running??? lol ) and just makes me think of my damn trailer that I was in the last six months in Iraq. It's not a flashback, but a lot of the physical memories keep coming to me...the uncomfortable bed I am sitting on using my laptop, the sound of the window AC working too fucking hard, the find dust on my fingers and keyboard that punctuates every keystroke. It's probably a great time for me to go to bed, yet I feel like talking or sharing or explaining or just doing SOMETHING!!! At least tomorrow (today on the east coast) I will only have to be at work for a little bit and then go to a pretty fun function. Of course, I will be tired as shit, as usual, and that means I have to watch my temper and attitude and mindfulness, lest I get my ass into trouble with any number of people that I actually care about. Those people are all the ones I wish I could talk to right now...not that any one thing is bothering me...just a little...amped???...but not in the "fight or flight" way. More in the "just let me get it off my chest" way, if that makes sense. I could go wake my wife up and annoy the shit outta her...except she's already annoyed that I had to get some homework done TONIGHT, instead of have crazy hot sex with her. Tomorrow I could talk the ear off of any number of people, including at least 2 who I really care about, and who I believe (at least half the time) care about me. But that's tomorrow...not right now.
Right now I just want to talk, so I am typing here at 50 words per minute while my brain is going 5 million words per second. Quite the disconnect I think. What's going through my head: Iraq, the PX, that poor and fatal choice I made on the fence, sex with my wife, sex with old girlfriends, my kids, my illegitamate kids, moving, not moving, Iraq, Anaconda (what a fucking place that was...Mortaritaville we called it), incoming rounds, incoming alerts, tracers over my head, bullets hitting the building, that bitch teacher, the shadowman, the fucking barmaid, the assholes in the middle (I should put the names of the accused, that I can remember, on here..wouldn't that be cathartic!!!!), therapy, progress in therapy, failures in therapy, do I continue therapy?, is the Doc just going through the motions?, if the Doc isn't than does that mean concern and help is genuine and will be there when I need it for a least a little while longer, talking more with my wife, talking more with my children, my childhood, missing Michigan, hating Florida, hating some people, hating myself, loving myself, the sound of the generators at my site on Anaconda (loud fuckers they were!), having webcam sex with my wife(and almost getting caught by female section Sergeant), having crazy sex with my wife, staying up to do homework and MISSING sex with my wife, sleep, not getting sleep, bad fucking dreams, good dreams, crazy and wierd dreams, dreams that don't make sense, dreams that will never come true, dreams that might unfortunately come true, my mother, my father, my job, my houses, my fucking dogs and fish.....
Too much in the head and I just need to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. Going to stop here and get some sleep, or at least try. Guess I can try to check back in within myself on here tomorrow. Which reminds me...I think I have to move this blog or do something to make it more private. Not only HAVE people actually read things on here, someone put a link to it on facebook....WTF is that about?????
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