I have been so busy but I wanted to put this up before I forgot all about it. This past week I made it to group. I was really glad to have gone, although it was ROUGH for me. One of our members is dealing with something involving a teenager he is trying to help...a teenager he almost killed a year ago when this kid attacked him. His issue with this whole thing is that he is feeling guilty that the kid is probably going to jail for quite a few years and he feels like he failed this little bastard in some way. I had mixed feelings on this as he talked.
As he talked, I got really mixed feelings. These feelings came from two seperate trauma types: one of my traumas from Iraq and all of my childhood sexual trauma.
I got pissed becuase he sounded like he was making excuses for this kid.
--- This kid sounds like every other piece of shit punk or adult who likes to take advantage of people they think are weak or easy targets. This just smarts of those fucking dirty bastards who raped me and the other children!
I got sad AND guilty becuase of my feelings related to the incident with the albino kid in Iraq. I should have shot that bastard, had reason to, and had a 90% chance of not being penalized for doing so.
--- Not killing him that day allowed him to live a lot longer, which allowed him to continue to transport weapons to Ar Ramadi and Fallujah and to use them against the Marines and Soldiers there. Allowing him to live was a stupid fucking decision and feel directly responsible for the lives of American's that were lost due to that fuck!
Having the feelings would have been OK. However, the Doc remembered about the incidents and my feelings about them and she quickly drew the same corrolation that I did, or she at least assumed that's what I was thinking about. I honestly wasn't going to say a damn thing as I didn't trust myself to speak. BUT, she asked...and since she asked and I agree to do anything reasonable that she asks, I answered. I told the group a little about the incident in Iraq and how even though I DIDN'T kill the kid, I still felt the same kind of guilt that this guy (and one other) felt.
As the Doc probed, I had to seriously fight back tears, which made me doubly pissed at myself. Pissed that I fought back the tears (because I still feel like I NEED to cry) and pissed at myself for showing emotions. I guess the Doc noticed as she asked me stay a few minutes after group. I did so, and I told her quickly about how I was just already feeling fucked up due to the triggers and other shit that I had the week before, as well as a coomplete lack of sleep with a LOT of job stress added in. Basically I was in a fucked up place! I was going to tell her that the other feelings and hell I had in me, due to both this guys' story as well as the week before, were ALL because of my being raped as a child. However, I felt myself starting to water in the eyes. I told her that I had to go. What was actually nice was that she told me the only reason that she was NOT making me stay and talk about things was because she knew I had to get back to work. That actually felt good...it's nice to know people give a shit sometimes...especially when my head is in dark and dangerous holes and all I feel are fucked up or wrong emotions.
I still need to cry!
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
PTSD: Symptoms and Emotions
I have been in therapy for almost 2 years. I think it has been extremely helpful, especially considering the times I didn't kill myself even when I had thought about it. One thing I just realized though...I have NO idea what the actual symptons are for PTSD. I could name a few, but only in generic terms related specifically to me, if that makes sense.
Things I think are symptoms:
- I am afraid to go into crowds.
- I am paranoid about people trying to kill me, blow me up, shoot me, or rape me.
- I think people are talking about me all the time, or think little/nothing of me, or just think I am stupid
- I jump at a large set of noises
- I can't sleep without medication or else I am waking with horrible fucking nightmares
- I feel guilty about a LOT of things from both Iraq, and my fucking childhood
One thing I do know, I have been unable to really HAVE any emotions or show any feelings. I think that this is a symptom too??? I have sat probably 20 times, at least, in the Doc's office and been on the verge of tears...yet I never let myself cry. Even when I wanted to so badly, I still managed to stop myself. I have been holding in a LOT of emotions and I need to find a way to express them in their true forms...but safely for both me and those around me. It's not just the crying...it's the anger too. But the anger I do easily find ways to express...although not always the healthiest, I have at least not beat anyone's ass recently.
But crying...that's something I don't seem to be able to do unless I am stone cold fucking drunk. I did cry some when I read aloud an entry I made on here back in October...when I heard myself say outloud some of the fucked up shit those people did to me as a child. The last few weeks I really haven't even been struck with a need to cry when I am thinking about any of my traumas (except for once in the Doc's office). Until Yesterday.
I took my son to his first ever football game at my favorite college. It wasa BIG, and important game. My dad couldn't make it, which bothered me the whole time. In addition to that bothering me, I got triggered by a few distinct things, not the least of which was that the chic in front me looked just like the last bitch who involved me in her fucked up games of raping kids...which also happened to occur about 100 miles away from where I was sitting at the time I saw her.
So there I was, an emotional and important game, multiple triggers of both my combat PTSD and my childhood sexual abuse PTSD, sitting with my son at his first game. The end of the game came and it was time to leave. Oddly enough, I got wrapped up in the emotion of EVERYTHING I just listed and I really, REALLY had to hold back tears so that I didn't end up crying like a fucking baby in front of my son and a TON of people.
So what do I do now....I REALLY feel like I NEED to cry. I feel like I need to let all of this emotion out and just fucking explode...cry, scream, hit, kick, punch, hide...something, anything. I don't know if I can move on until I do this....but why won't I let myself. I get why I held it back at the stadium...but WHY can't I let ig flow in a safe place like the Doc's office, my truck, or my own fucking house????
Things I think are symptoms:
- I am afraid to go into crowds.
- I am paranoid about people trying to kill me, blow me up, shoot me, or rape me.
- I think people are talking about me all the time, or think little/nothing of me, or just think I am stupid
- I jump at a large set of noises
- I can't sleep without medication or else I am waking with horrible fucking nightmares
- I feel guilty about a LOT of things from both Iraq, and my fucking childhood
One thing I do know, I have been unable to really HAVE any emotions or show any feelings. I think that this is a symptom too??? I have sat probably 20 times, at least, in the Doc's office and been on the verge of tears...yet I never let myself cry. Even when I wanted to so badly, I still managed to stop myself. I have been holding in a LOT of emotions and I need to find a way to express them in their true forms...but safely for both me and those around me. It's not just the crying...it's the anger too. But the anger I do easily find ways to express...although not always the healthiest, I have at least not beat anyone's ass recently.
But crying...that's something I don't seem to be able to do unless I am stone cold fucking drunk. I did cry some when I read aloud an entry I made on here back in October...when I heard myself say outloud some of the fucked up shit those people did to me as a child. The last few weeks I really haven't even been struck with a need to cry when I am thinking about any of my traumas (except for once in the Doc's office). Until Yesterday.
I took my son to his first ever football game at my favorite college. It wasa BIG, and important game. My dad couldn't make it, which bothered me the whole time. In addition to that bothering me, I got triggered by a few distinct things, not the least of which was that the chic in front me looked just like the last bitch who involved me in her fucked up games of raping kids...which also happened to occur about 100 miles away from where I was sitting at the time I saw her.
So there I was, an emotional and important game, multiple triggers of both my combat PTSD and my childhood sexual abuse PTSD, sitting with my son at his first game. The end of the game came and it was time to leave. Oddly enough, I got wrapped up in the emotion of EVERYTHING I just listed and I really, REALLY had to hold back tears so that I didn't end up crying like a fucking baby in front of my son and a TON of people.
So what do I do now....I REALLY feel like I NEED to cry. I feel like I need to let all of this emotion out and just fucking explode...cry, scream, hit, kick, punch, hide...something, anything. I don't know if I can move on until I do this....but why won't I let myself. I get why I held it back at the stadium...but WHY can't I let ig flow in a safe place like the Doc's office, my truck, or my own fucking house????
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