Feeling Good....for the most part

I am actually kind of happy to post that I have been feeling pretty good the last couple of weeks. I really am surprised by this, but happy just the same. I think this feeling has a lot to do with the Doc making me read something out loud. What I had to read was actually a blog post I made on here back in October, one that was kind of raw and rambled, but very direct. I had told her that when I had read it out loud to myself in the hotel room, it made me feel really good about myself for a couple of weeks...like a release of pain...much like now. I asked her to look it over to make sure it was at least "good" work I was doing and not just getting happy about nothing good. I guess that's why she made me read it again.

It's kind of funny actually to me about how I am feeling. I am still dealing with symptoms every day, such as nightmares (although they seem to have calmed down from what I remember and what my wife says), some flashbacks, and definitely jumpy. BUT, I feel like I have some hope at a future...strange.

I am not sure how to really explain it but I think I might be feeling like a young alcholic who's been sober for a month and thinks he can handle just one drink. I kinda feel like I can handle not doing therapy, like it would be OK if I just quit. But I think that might not be a good train of thought. I think I might be thinking this because I have been very worried and somewhat angry about my therapy directly.

Part of what I wrote involved Iraq. The Doc made a comment that she hadn't realized, until she read the paper, that I had gone through so MANY attacks in Iraq and had seen multiple deaths during these attacks AND had been close enough to more than one incoming round to knock me on my ass. I don't know if I am mad her for forgetting, or for her verbiage about "not realizing" how bad it was and that she "finally understood" why it affected me so. I actually didn't think anything about it other than it being an odd thing to say at the time. I don't know. She has been really great to me and has saved my life...and maybe my brain. But I guess I was a little hurt or wondering later about how many other things she may have forgotten about things I have said in my sessions. I do believe that she cares but this still really struck me....and I guess I am still concerned about it since I haven't had a session since (and have not been able to ask her about it) AND during some text exchanges last week regarding her not being able to make the session I was a little hurt and worried about her response. I had sent her a message about the fact I was feeling better. She said she was happy to hear this but that I should "PLEASE remember to use" her cell only for emergencies. I guess I just blur lines, or at least appear to blur lines with people. I feel respect, care, and concern for the Doc, like a sister. Maybe that's not appropriate but I can't help the gratitude.

Anyway, I am hoping that this feeling good lasts...or at least feeling like I have hope. I have had a ton of shit go wrong in the last month and it has been really kicking my ass and getting me down on myself. I am also hoping that there is no issues with my therapy. I need that more than most other things in my life right now.

It is great to feel like I have HOPE!!!!

Feeling REALLY good today

There is something about being gone on a fun trip that makes me realize what I love and care about most in this world. I could give a shit about me most days, whether I live or die, but being gone this past weekend made me realize how much I wanted my wife and kids with me. I think this is good since it's one of the first times I have I have just honestly felt that way about ALL the kids AND the wife.

It's not that I don't love any of them. On the contrary, they are about all I truly love, except for some that I consider friends, like I mentioned before. However, my usual mode of operation is to just crave lonliness. I still haven't figured out why I always feel that I need this but I do know that it goes hand in hand with my wanting to run...ALL THE TIME!

Anyway, I feel pretty good today. I am physically fucking exhausted. But, I think having the time to myself and the time to relax, unwind, find thngs to focus on other than my traumas...I really needed that!!! It made me really miss my family. Most importantly it made me really miss ME.

I think that THIS is actually progess! I am missing more and more the person I was before the Iraq trauma happened and at least before the memories of the childhood sexual trauma that I had to suffer through! That HAS to indicate that I do want to live and that I do want to move forward in my life and my treatment. I think that this reaffirms my need to talk with the Doc about maybe developing some goals...not necessarily time-limited therapy (I can see the pros and cons of this actually), but at least something a little more tangible.

I have no clue what I wanted to say here....a lot of interruptions! But that's OK!!! I just kinda feel good and willing to move forward. I think I am good going back to "pink tutus" and "plucking." :-)