I am actually kind of happy to post that I have been feeling pretty good the last couple of weeks. I really am surprised by this, but happy just the same. I think this feeling has a lot to do with the Doc making me read something out loud. What I had to read was actually a blog post I made on here back in October, one that was kind of raw and rambled, but very direct. I had told her that when I had read it out loud to myself in the hotel room, it made me feel really good about myself for a couple of weeks...like a release of pain...much like now. I asked her to look it over to make sure it was at least "good" work I was doing and not just getting happy about nothing good. I guess that's why she made me read it again.
It's kind of funny actually to me about how I am feeling. I am still dealing with symptoms every day, such as nightmares (although they seem to have calmed down from what I remember and what my wife says), some flashbacks, and definitely jumpy. BUT, I feel like I have some hope at a future...strange.
I am not sure how to really explain it but I think I might be feeling like a young alcholic who's been sober for a month and thinks he can handle just one drink. I kinda feel like I can handle not doing therapy, like it would be OK if I just quit. But I think that might not be a good train of thought. I think I might be thinking this because I have been very worried and somewhat angry about my therapy directly.
Part of what I wrote involved Iraq. The Doc made a comment that she hadn't realized, until she read the paper, that I had gone through so MANY attacks in Iraq and had seen multiple deaths during these attacks AND had been close enough to more than one incoming round to knock me on my ass. I don't know if I am mad her for forgetting, or for her verbiage about "not realizing" how bad it was and that she "finally understood" why it affected me so. I actually didn't think anything about it other than it being an odd thing to say at the time. I don't know. She has been really great to me and has saved my life...and maybe my brain. But I guess I was a little hurt or wondering later about how many other things she may have forgotten about things I have said in my sessions. I do believe that she cares but this still really struck me....and I guess I am still concerned about it since I haven't had a session since (and have not been able to ask her about it) AND during some text exchanges last week regarding her not being able to make the session I was a little hurt and worried about her response. I had sent her a message about the fact I was feeling better. She said she was happy to hear this but that I should "PLEASE remember to use" her cell only for emergencies. I guess I just blur lines, or at least appear to blur lines with people. I feel respect, care, and concern for the Doc, like a sister. Maybe that's not appropriate but I can't help the gratitude.
Anyway, I am hoping that this feeling good lasts...or at least feeling like I have hope. I have had a ton of shit go wrong in the last month and it has been really kicking my ass and getting me down on myself. I am also hoping that there is no issues with my therapy. I need that more than most other things in my life right now.
It is great to feel like I have HOPE!!!!
Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confusion. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Loving others
For a long time I liked to believe that I was devoid of any emotions accept anger and apathy (is this one really emotion?)
I think for the most part this was very true. I either didn't know I had other emotions, was so used to supressing them, or really just didn't have them; there was one exception to this. I have since learned that I do in fact have a multitude of emotions/feelings, even if some are still very hard to "show." I think crying is the one form of expression that I really haven't been able to use at all...and it is one that I constantly feel that I actually need to do. I have come close so many times, but I haven't let myself actually do it in those times. Usually because my wife is sitting 10 feet away or my kids are around or I am at the Doc's or basically any situation where other people can see me. I guess this would be my fear and pride taking control.
In any event, the one exception to my original statement is: Love. While driving part of the way home tonight, I had some time to think about this. I realized something that I think I already knew: there is more than one "type" of Love.
I guess I realized that I may not know what it means to Love anyone. I know how I feel about my kids and what I would do to protect them. But then I also know that are exist a few others that I would do the same for...but this doesn't mean it's a Love like I have for my kids, or like I have for my wife. So how can my level of affection for people be diverse when my willingness to help and protect those few (other than my kids) is equal regardless of who they are. These people I care about now that I am not married to or the father of, some are related to me, some are not. Yet, if they asked for the shirt off of my back, I would gladly give it. Here's where part of my confusion comes in, and the realization that it is maybe possible that I just latch onto people so tightly at the first sign that they might help/protect me, that I confuse this neediness with affection or Love. But is there a line? If I latch on to those who I begin to genuinely trust or feel gratitude for, is that so wrong? I am sure that there is a level that it becomes wrong because anything in excess is just piss-poor. But what about those who I have just been around for a long time.
I was thinking about JT today, and I think that she's a great example of this. I feel this strong urge to want to talk with her everyday and I tend to be bummed when I can't, or when we are texting but then she drops off. I also know that if I felt someone was threating her in anyway, that I would step in, regardless of if it's my place or not. Then there's the fact that I am definitely attracted to her sexually.
So, I would bend over backwards for her, risk jail time or worse for her, I wouldn't kick her out of bed (all jokes in my head ignored here), and I really just want to talk with her everyday about her. Does this mean I love her? In a way, I think the answer is yes. But I think today I more clearly saw the line between the love one has for a friend or helper, and the love one has for a partner. And while the displays of these love's is obviously different, I am not so sure the truth of either one is so different from the other. I think when the physical Love (sex) is added in with the Love of a Partner, then it's just another method of showing that Love...that should be only shared with one (again, different from just raw energy sex). While I might do the same with either JT or my wife (support, help, communicate, sex), there is one important difference: the choice of one over the other.
Maybe it's just that I haven't slept but 10 hours in 3 days (and travelled to/through 7 different states), but I think that the difference in types of love boils down to choice of one over the other.
For me, I would prioritize the Love I have for these people, in order of choice over others if required:
My kids
My wife
My parents
my friends (even those who may not consider me a friend)
my siblings and extended family
Whatever the honorable thing to do in a situation is.
So, when I think that I "love" some chic, I don't think it's ever been about romance and affection and respect. I have had many female friends, and those that I actually talked with over time, I would without fail come to "realize" that I must be in love with them. However, after the last 2 years of therapy and the things I concluded today in deep thought at 90 mph, I don't think it ever really had anything to do with romance and preference. I think it has always been about my safety, my need for approval, my belief that I must, basically anything but reality. I think that there were 4 times when I exchanged the magic three words (or just shared them) where it was truly based on something more:
- I married 2 of them
- had a long talk about how we both felt the same but since I was married to the first one
- She tells me still to this day that she feels the exact same way and longs for the situations to be different. (this is a whole different story that I am not even giving attention to right now.
So while I may have "felt like" I did/do/have had that love for different women, I am now fairly certain that while it may be true in the sense of a "love as a friend," that does not mean that I need to, want to, or should want to add a sexual component to it. As I am typing this I realize that it makes a lot more sense in my head than in print. I think I do that with a lot of things though too.
I know that there is a caveat here, especially since I don't think ANYONE really understands this emotion. I think that the caveat is that a person doesn't necessarily choose who they fall in love with (yep, even as a friend only), but they can choose to let themselves fall in love with someone.
The real problem I have with all of this: do I love myself? And if I don't, am I really able to love anyone else, or is it just neediness and/or lust and/or comfort that I chase and give back???
I think for the most part this was very true. I either didn't know I had other emotions, was so used to supressing them, or really just didn't have them; there was one exception to this. I have since learned that I do in fact have a multitude of emotions/feelings, even if some are still very hard to "show." I think crying is the one form of expression that I really haven't been able to use at all...and it is one that I constantly feel that I actually need to do. I have come close so many times, but I haven't let myself actually do it in those times. Usually because my wife is sitting 10 feet away or my kids are around or I am at the Doc's or basically any situation where other people can see me. I guess this would be my fear and pride taking control.
In any event, the one exception to my original statement is: Love. While driving part of the way home tonight, I had some time to think about this. I realized something that I think I already knew: there is more than one "type" of Love.
I guess I realized that I may not know what it means to Love anyone. I know how I feel about my kids and what I would do to protect them. But then I also know that are exist a few others that I would do the same for...but this doesn't mean it's a Love like I have for my kids, or like I have for my wife. So how can my level of affection for people be diverse when my willingness to help and protect those few (other than my kids) is equal regardless of who they are. These people I care about now that I am not married to or the father of, some are related to me, some are not. Yet, if they asked for the shirt off of my back, I would gladly give it. Here's where part of my confusion comes in, and the realization that it is maybe possible that I just latch onto people so tightly at the first sign that they might help/protect me, that I confuse this neediness with affection or Love. But is there a line? If I latch on to those who I begin to genuinely trust or feel gratitude for, is that so wrong? I am sure that there is a level that it becomes wrong because anything in excess is just piss-poor. But what about those who I have just been around for a long time.
I was thinking about JT today, and I think that she's a great example of this. I feel this strong urge to want to talk with her everyday and I tend to be bummed when I can't, or when we are texting but then she drops off. I also know that if I felt someone was threating her in anyway, that I would step in, regardless of if it's my place or not. Then there's the fact that I am definitely attracted to her sexually.
So, I would bend over backwards for her, risk jail time or worse for her, I wouldn't kick her out of bed (all jokes in my head ignored here), and I really just want to talk with her everyday about her. Does this mean I love her? In a way, I think the answer is yes. But I think today I more clearly saw the line between the love one has for a friend or helper, and the love one has for a partner. And while the displays of these love's is obviously different, I am not so sure the truth of either one is so different from the other. I think when the physical Love (sex) is added in with the Love of a Partner, then it's just another method of showing that Love...that should be only shared with one (again, different from just raw energy sex). While I might do the same with either JT or my wife (support, help, communicate, sex), there is one important difference: the choice of one over the other.
Maybe it's just that I haven't slept but 10 hours in 3 days (and travelled to/through 7 different states), but I think that the difference in types of love boils down to choice of one over the other.
For me, I would prioritize the Love I have for these people, in order of choice over others if required:
My kids
My wife
My parents
my friends (even those who may not consider me a friend)
my siblings and extended family
Whatever the honorable thing to do in a situation is.
So, when I think that I "love" some chic, I don't think it's ever been about romance and affection and respect. I have had many female friends, and those that I actually talked with over time, I would without fail come to "realize" that I must be in love with them. However, after the last 2 years of therapy and the things I concluded today in deep thought at 90 mph, I don't think it ever really had anything to do with romance and preference. I think it has always been about my safety, my need for approval, my belief that I must, basically anything but reality. I think that there were 4 times when I exchanged the magic three words (or just shared them) where it was truly based on something more:
- I married 2 of them
- had a long talk about how we both felt the same but since I was married to the first one
- She tells me still to this day that she feels the exact same way and longs for the situations to be different. (this is a whole different story that I am not even giving attention to right now.
So while I may have "felt like" I did/do/have had that love for different women, I am now fairly certain that while it may be true in the sense of a "love as a friend," that does not mean that I need to, want to, or should want to add a sexual component to it. As I am typing this I realize that it makes a lot more sense in my head than in print. I think I do that with a lot of things though too.
I know that there is a caveat here, especially since I don't think ANYONE really understands this emotion. I think that the caveat is that a person doesn't necessarily choose who they fall in love with (yep, even as a friend only), but they can choose to let themselves fall in love with someone.
The real problem I have with all of this: do I love myself? And if I don't, am I really able to love anyone else, or is it just neediness and/or lust and/or comfort that I chase and give back???
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