Sometimes I do stupid shit for no good reason!!!

I find that I am constantly in some fucked up state of mind all the time, or at least most of the time. Today...no exception. The bad memory and the self-judgement and the self-hatred...all of it kind of fucked me up for the whole day. And some of it was kind of ironic, or at least coincidental, timing.

So today I forgot that I had a mid-term...a MID-TERM...who the fuck forgets that!!! Talk about being pissed off at myself...I about wanted to smash shit when I heard. Not because I was or wasn't ready, but because I had forgotten something so important.

Then I get an email response (and here's the coincidence as I had just written about this yesterday) regarding some of my pressing questions about keeping this blog and finding maybe a mantra stronger than Pluck or Fold to help me in more diverse times of being amped up or getting lost in my head. Seems I did it AGAIN and wasted someone's time with ridiculous shit that really has no importance to anyone but me. Which is where I started to do the usual....mind-reading, all or nothing thinking, exaggerating....same shit. Figured I MUST of have once again annoyed this person immensely, that they must be really fucking sick of me, and that I am just being a whiner. Mindreading at its best I think. ummmm.....Pluck! At least this person responded, even as overwhelmingly busy as they are (which means I shouldn't bother them with anything either...don't want to burden anyone).

Then there was just the general banter at work...which is usually hilarious and never malicious...except today I was convinced it was malicious. Had to Forcibly remind myself that no one was out to get me and that no was really thinking anything shitty of me. ummm.....Pluck! ...again!!!

Then, of all damn things, I was in a flashback tonight of getting shot at back on that fucking convoy escort duty. I didn't want to be around anyone after that...really, REALLY, had to spend some time breathing and trying to calm down...but then it was time to take the wife and the kids to church...and the Doc wonders why sometimes I still want to run away from everything. Running away wouldn't solve anything...but it would definitely let me live with my own mistakes without hurting anyone else again....but that's a whole different post I guess. Speaking of different posts, one of the things I am debating on doing is writing more about my trauma itself, and about the flashbacks and the dreams, as well as "copying" to here some of the past homework I have had to do for the therapy. Maybe an OK idea?

So the thing to do tonight??? Watch some 70's grindhouse movies while doing homework and try my damnedest to NOT think stupid shit about anything. The 70's grindhouse sexploitation stuff is pretty awesome...even if the women need to find a razor. I am SOOO hoping tonight that between that and C++, I can get my mind empty of the terrible shit for one night...a few hours...something!

Brain Vitamins need to be adjusted...maybe?

How do you know when your brain vitamins aren't doing the right thing anymore? I have been having such a rough couple of weeks that I wonder if it's a need to get my meds increased, or just a funk from all the shit I've been sitting in with the therapy? Apathy is really, REALLY, king of my actions right now. About the only things I am getting into and almost, a little bit, excited about are those that require a challenge of my skills.

I'm dealing with a temper issue recently too. Not a temper issue as in I want to whoop someone's ass...just little things all day and night are pissing me off...affecting my appetite, my desire to talk with anyone (family, friends, coworkers, etc.), my sleep, and my motivation. I guess it sounds like depression now that I have enumerated these..but it's more anger than depression...I think??? It's not taking much to annoy me, that's for certain. I have found myself mad, and personally hurt, that I haven't gotten some answers to some recent questions that I posed. Not really emergency or even important questions...but questions I want answers to nonetheless. Actually, there kinda stupid questions, at least 2 of the ones I haven't gotten and answer back on: SHOULD I do this blog at all, or is there some risk to me or others that I am overlooking? and, Is it worth my time and effort to try to identify a mantra/phrase to help ground me in other situations where words I already use don't help? Like I said, stupid questions...to everyone but me anyway. :-( The other questions are much more serious but I can't push the issues.

Actually, I can write about this here: There is a possibility that I have another child...from a fling with an ex-girlfriend. Her and I hooked up for two days straight...which is actually hard to believe since she only wanted penetration, no oral or petting or foreplay really. But I digress (LOL)...turns out that she had a kid 9 months later. For a long time she swore he wasn't mine and it wasn't until much later that she said he was. Now the question I have put to two people: What the fuck should I do? The right thing is to take responsibility. However, she is not in favor of a DNA test through courts. Although, she did mention some website where people could do DNA test for a cheap amount. Kid kinda looks like me and I feel bad for him, immensely so, because he is autistic to some level. But then I have to worry about the possible impact on my other kids, and on my wife. She knows about the possibility...has known since day 1. She just won't be happy about it. Especially not now since we have been trying to have another baby.

So, I guess I'm just in an angry, short-fused, place. I don't blame people for ignoring me since I feel like I deserve it. It's the stuckpoints of: I deserve it (bad shit), I am not worth anything, I am weak, I annoy people, I push people away, I ALWAYS make offensive mistakes, and I am a piece of shit. Then there's the mindreading I do (though PLUCK has helped a LOT with that)...They can't stand me, They don't think I'm funny, They are looking for a reason to run/leave conversation/stop talking to me/stop helping me/fire me/etc.

The good news is that I have learned some good tools via CPT...and some via PE. I am not so afraid today of my future or of my interactions. But I do NEED to work on the mindreading and stuckpoints even more!  I guess I need to work on staying on topic too. LOL. Funny to me because I was just told yesterday by someone that they weren't "putting up with you [me] deflectors"...which I guess is something I do well through tangents and smartass comments. In any event, I do, especially now looking back at what I have written, think I need to discuss my meds again.