(For) Better (or Worse???)

I think that therapy, both the interaction with the therapist, and the individual work, are a lot like a marriage...without all the hassle of fights, sex, jealousy, etc.) I don't mean to say that it is only good things, just that I can see a correlation between these two parts of therapy (individually), and marriage.

In marriage, there has to be, MUST be, a relationship of trust and commonality (or some other foundation to foster communication). In therapy, there is NO way it's going to work without trust AND a foundation for communication. I have read a lot in the last year about therapy and, quite frankly, I am more and more convinced that I made the right choice in sticking with my current Doc...even when I struggle with feeling like she's ready to "divorce" me.

One of the topics I read about was that of choosing a therapist. This is no easy task...at least it wasn't for me. I talked with a Doc about possibly getting a referral to an Anger Management class. Imagine my surprise when he said that I had PTSD. THEN, I had to have two other doctors "look" at me (no including the doctor picked by the VA for my CMP check), and THEN had to wait for a fucking phone call. The Doc I have is actually the one who called me, but she called to tell me that my choices were limited to females, and to interns at that. At the time, I felt that I had to stick to my guns on two requirements: the therapist HAD to be a male AND the therapist had to be around for awhile. A female intern obviously wan't going to work at that time.

So, much like choosing a life partner, you have to maintain some level of standards. Some contradiction here also parallels life's reality....I didn't get what I thought I wanted and the one I thought would NOT be a good choice ended up being the absolute best. I kind of liken this to my marriages. In my first marriage, I got exactly what I wanted...and it was HELL. In my current marriage, I had NO intention of marrying her. Hell, she was supposed to be a one-night stand and for whatever reason she continued to call me to come over...and that was over 13 years ago. As with my wife, I didn't see anyway that the Doc could be useful long term. I figured she'd be OK as a 'stand-in' until someone meeting my requirements became available.

I think another way that I have to liken my therapy as a whole to the marriage, or at least the relationship process, is in terms of impatience. After I lost my virginity (the time I was willing and with someone I loved), I wanted sex all the time...maybe even too much. I didn't know it then but I think I was basing all of my actions on what was expected of me as a kid. So much so that when my first wife I would have sucked some dude's dick just to make her happy...even when she had used my telling her a little I remembered about my CSA, against me. But I have digressed. After loosing my virginity (and before) I don't think that until the last few years that I didn't FEEL a need for sex ALL the time. Even when I wasn't horny, I just knew I needed a release. So, I would masturbate at an average minumum of four times a day...even if I was in a sexual relationship. (the masturbation wasn't always about sexual relief...at least 60% of the time it wasn't...or still isn't). Much like, well...very much like my overly needy desire to have sex, to include some of the shit I was willing to do for that relief, it's the same with my my desire to seek treatment.

I KNEW that if I didn't see a Doctor soon, that I would be done. I had already half-tried to kill myself once and had thought about it more than once since then. But I had a STRONG urge to get help. What I had thought of earlier on was only a sever issue with my temper had turned out to be PTSD, I knew my thoughts and my mental state were spiralling down quickly. I had a STRONG, hourly, urge to get help...a different, non-sexual,  type of relief. So I think that this is very similar too...my desire for physical/emotional relief and my desire for emotional/mental led in different directions but certainly felt and manifested in similar ways (not making any jokes about genitalia here).

I am sure that anyone in therapy for similar issues, and especially those going through the CPT or PE protocols/treatments probably alreay knows all of these comparisons. I just myself though realized it, although I don''t know how I could have missed the correlation earler!

Like marriage, therapy and a working/WORKABLE/HELPFUL relationship with your therapist require:
- patience AND standards during your search
- a desire to get better
- Communication about what's working AND what's not working
- Persistentce to stick with it. Therapy, like marriage, can be very taxing and without some strength to make it

In any event, I think I have a great wife and a decent marriage. I also think that I have the best Doc in the VA system. I wish I could list her name here and sing her praises. I've had to work at both relationships but, and this is important, when I started to include my wife in my treatment....at least with letting her in a little more....that really, REALLY provided some support I needed to percivere in my therapy!!!

Bad memories and scared of sleep

For the last few months I have been working on some of my shitty childhood trauma using Prolonged Exposure. I have to say that is pretty much is the worse thing I have ever volunteered to do. It's kind of funny too, a few weeks ago I left the session with the realization that I have been leaving there with the same damn headache every time! This week's session was no different. What was funny was that the doc mentioned that she has had patients complain of nasea and/or headaches BEFORE their sessions. Only thing I feel before a session is scared and/or pissed off.
Anyway, I have wanted to write for a few days but just couldn't find the time. We had a big party this weekend for our friends at the new house. It started with a balloon exploding and two Lorazapams and ended with too much vodka and a bad hangover in the morning. Pretty stupid for a guy who rarely drinks anymore. In any event the last few months have been sprinkled with on again/off again bad nights, horrible memories, and a general fear of going to sleep, among other things. Yesterday's session had me climbing the walls completely unwilling to go to sleep until I was actually falling asleep on the couch....which is what's going on now so I am going to try to hurry this thought along without screwing it up.
In yesterday's session, the Doc wanted me to record my talking about the middle instance of hell. And, she told me that she thinks we have to address the later one that is soooooooo bad and fucked up!!!!!!!!!!!! Good news there is that it won't happen for a few weeks..gotta love the holidays.
But I digress :-)  ...last night, actually since leaving her office, I have been in a funk. I remembered some more stuff and none of it pleasant. Additionally, I was having some short but painful flashbacks yesterday as well, and all of which was just a mess. Most of it dealt with the childhood sexual abuse while there were at least two distinct instances when I would find myself dreaming/flashing back to Iraq

Brain Vitamins need to be adjusted...maybe?

How do you know when your brain vitamins aren't doing the right thing anymore? I have been having such a rough couple of weeks that I wonder if it's a need to get my meds increased, or just a funk from all the shit I've been sitting in with the therapy? Apathy is really, REALLY, king of my actions right now. About the only things I am getting into and almost, a little bit, excited about are those that require a challenge of my skills.

I'm dealing with a temper issue recently too. Not a temper issue as in I want to whoop someone's ass...just little things all day and night are pissing me off...affecting my appetite, my desire to talk with anyone (family, friends, coworkers, etc.), my sleep, and my motivation. I guess it sounds like depression now that I have enumerated these..but it's more anger than depression...I think??? It's not taking much to annoy me, that's for certain. I have found myself mad, and personally hurt, that I haven't gotten some answers to some recent questions that I posed. Not really emergency or even important questions...but questions I want answers to nonetheless. Actually, there kinda stupid questions, at least 2 of the ones I haven't gotten and answer back on: SHOULD I do this blog at all, or is there some risk to me or others that I am overlooking? and, Is it worth my time and effort to try to identify a mantra/phrase to help ground me in other situations where words I already use don't help? Like I said, stupid questions...to everyone but me anyway. :-( The other questions are much more serious but I can't push the issues.

Actually, I can write about this here: There is a possibility that I have another child...from a fling with an ex-girlfriend. Her and I hooked up for two days straight...which is actually hard to believe since she only wanted penetration, no oral or petting or foreplay really. But I digress (LOL)...turns out that she had a kid 9 months later. For a long time she swore he wasn't mine and it wasn't until much later that she said he was. Now the question I have put to two people: What the fuck should I do? The right thing is to take responsibility. However, she is not in favor of a DNA test through courts. Although, she did mention some website where people could do DNA test for a cheap amount. Kid kinda looks like me and I feel bad for him, immensely so, because he is autistic to some level. But then I have to worry about the possible impact on my other kids, and on my wife. She knows about the possibility...has known since day 1. She just won't be happy about it. Especially not now since we have been trying to have another baby.

So, I guess I'm just in an angry, short-fused, place. I don't blame people for ignoring me since I feel like I deserve it. It's the stuckpoints of: I deserve it (bad shit), I am not worth anything, I am weak, I annoy people, I push people away, I ALWAYS make offensive mistakes, and I am a piece of shit. Then there's the mindreading I do (though PLUCK has helped a LOT with that)...They can't stand me, They don't think I'm funny, They are looking for a reason to run/leave conversation/stop talking to me/stop helping me/fire me/etc.

The good news is that I have learned some good tools via CPT...and some via PE. I am not so afraid today of my future or of my interactions. But I do NEED to work on the mindreading and stuckpoints even more!  I guess I need to work on staying on topic too. LOL. Funny to me because I was just told yesterday by someone that they weren't "putting up with you [me] deflectors"...which I guess is something I do well through tangents and smartass comments. In any event, I do, especially now looking back at what I have written, think I need to discuss my meds again.

Pluck-ing, FOLD-ing, and thinking

I have been in therapy through the VA for 18 months. I would never say it's been fun...but it has been definitely helpful. The therapies I have been working on or gone through are Prolonged Exposure and Cognitive Processing, in addition to the world's best group (I actually refused for almost a year to do ANY group based therapy or discussions...not of fan of crowds or small rooms for some reason. haha).

Anyway, the reason this post is about some of the things I have learned and how I am trying to push forward, be better, AND figure out who the hell I am anymore. Not all of the lesson's I have learned have been based upon some strict protocol. Nor have they all been based upon what the Doc or others say.

PLUCK
Probably the funniest thing to me, and actually one of the best, most helpful things is: "Pluck."  Funny word, I know and if anyone actually ever read this, they'd probably be laughing so hard right now...NOT. Seriously though, PLUCK has been on the most helpful things I have learned and it was one of those tools that just "appeared" one day, at least to me. Those with PTSD tend to have a lot of what is called "Stuck Points." Additionally, they tend to have multiple patterns of "Problematic Thinking." These two are related.

One of my biggest stuck points is: I deserve(d) it. One of the biggest patterns of problematic thinking that brought me this stuck point is that of: mindreading. See...I have this uncanny ability to know what anyone is thinking about me. I "know" when someone thinks I am an idiot, or annoying, or being a bitch, or being wimpy, girly, stupid, or just plain fucking retarted. I even "know" this when it's not even true. During one session, I think my Doc was so annoyed with this ability that she thought of a way for me to slow down and stop "deciding" I know what she or anyone is thinking: PLUCK.

Still confused? Pluck means to take that negative, self-hating, mind-reading thought and to "pluck" it out of my brain. It means that when I am trying to talk and I think whoever listening is thinking shitty thoughts about me, that I just need to pluck that out of my head, ignoring it in reality, and just move forward. PLUCK...one hell of a therapeutic word.

FOLD

Now, this is a fun one too. And it's one that I made up! Yah for my dumbass self (PLUCK :-) ).
FOLD actually stands for:
Feminist
Out of my league
Lesbian
Democrat
...or...someone I would know better than to try to have a crush on or to be attracted to. I mean, who REALLY wants to (other than LL Bean subscribers) be attracted or date or think about a feminist or Democrat...seriously!

In any event, there is a lesson here: if you are a crazy person like me and have the world's hottest Doc (which I guess would mean you live by me)...use FOLD over and over again so that you can focus on what you NEED to focus on. It has worked exceptionally well for me, even though I think for some time that I did have a pretty severe crush (?) for a little while...ok...maybe a medium while. But, I have stuck with "FOLD" and remember I am married, and remember that most, like the Doc, or just too damn good for me (deserve better than me)...hell, my wife deserves better.

I was going to add some other things to this post, but I am actually thinking about trying to get some damn sleep. This week has been long and sleep has been so shitty when I have been able to go to bed...I wonder if trying to sleep is even worth it at all.

I will add this:
Where am I at today/tonight?
I am SOOO tired! Tired of being tired, tired of physical, mental, and emotional pain! Tired of the jackass drivers where I live and the retards that seem to be free to do whatever they want. Tired of the fucking dreams/nightmares. Tired of still feeling like I have a LONG way to go in therapy. Tired of questioning my own beliefs and morals on a daily basis. Tired of wondering if my prozac needs to be increased...or just my Scotch intake (actually, I think it's been six months since I've had any liqour). Tired of thinking about the horrible memories, the dead, the dismembered, the raped, rapists. Tired of NOT knowing who the FUCK I am!!!!!
However, I am happy about a some things too...as happy as I can get anyway. Actually, that's not entirely a true statement. I was, and still am, very excited for Shane (see earlier posts) that he's out of jail. Some financial and career things have gone very well too, so I am kind of happy about that as well...although it is hard to really be happy about anything I do I guess.?????

What I have versus what I want?

WARNING  Somewhat disgusting sexually graphic!!!  WARNING
So I have issues with combat related shit as well as sex. I have been shot at, mortared, rocketed, raped, forced upon others, and just generally taught many things that a person should never, NEVER, fucking learn as a child, and some even as an adult.

I get amped up at certain noises, certain images, certain places, certain crowds, ...just life I guess. The CPT helped me to really come out of my shell with people...at least in my mind. I have been able to say some things that NEEDED to be said to some of the people I love (if I really know what it means to love???). However, I am NOT able to say things to others that I love or care about, especially close friends.
Then there is the fact that I have a hard...difficult...time being honest with myself. From one minute to the next I am constantly having to put myself in check. My Doc says that I show signs of "Borderline-Personality-Disorder," ...although I am "not my mother!

However, there are thoughts, and maybe some actions, that I have that I later wonder: "Who the fuck was that???" I know I have already written a little about this, but it weighs so damn heavy on my mind that I just can't seem to get past it: apparently lying to myself for 25+ years, losing my identity, questioning every past and current decision, questioning and over-examining every last relationship. Who else but a crazy bastard would do this???

My actual point here, and it goes along with being confused about who I am, is the "what I want" question. There are some definite conflicts in my mind about what is appropriate to want, OK to want, NOT OK to want, and just FUCKING STUPID to want. I think that until I find ME, I am going to continue to be in conflict...to look back on things I said or did and say to myself: "Who the FUCK was that guy???" Until I come to some understanding with my own mind, I am going to continue to have to deal with unwanted desires and thoughts (NO, nothing illegal or hurtful to anyone....except the assholes who have fucked with me).

For instance, I can remember some of the worst digusting physical feelings from my childhood experiences (no one really wants to know those things!!!)...yet I want, and DO think about crazy sex all day. I LOVE Porn and woman...and even get turned on (SERIOUSLY) by certain groupsex ideas. I was forced to clean up "messes" after sex when I was a kid. WTF????? I hate Iraq, and I hate the shit that happened there. Yet, there are days that I would LOVE, give my left nut, beg and plead, to be able to go back. To put that battle-rattle back on and to chamber a round in my M-16 (much better for longer-range targets than the M-4, in my book) and take up watch or clear a house or even escort the trucks that empty the shitters.

So apparently, my fantasies and desires and wants can, and often do, conflict drastically with the traumas in my life. It would be so nice to just be a "normal" person....to be able to just have whatever kind of sex my wife wants and not be such a pervert with her (except for the things she likes)...to NOT dream and think about going back to Iraq...to NOT long for the feel of the heat or the ride in the truck out the wire.
I hope, wonder, and pray that getting through this PE therapy, as well as practicing the Mindfullness and CPT tools will help me to center myself on normalcy and not on freakish things. Otherwise, I should just move to a town like San Fran and take up with the freaks there...see how twisted I am????? Or maybe hop a flight to Baghdad and see what happens there???? NO...I have to BELIEVE that things will get better. The alternative is crappy, at best!!!!!!!

PE Homework HELL

Email to the Doc after first PE Homework...painful!

From: Me

To: The Doc

Sent: Tuesday, March 22, 2011 10:12:18 PM
Subject: HW H-E double L

Doc,

Tonight was the first night that I was able to do the homework….I am kind of shaky from it which really sucks even if I rate my suds now lower than my peak.

I didn't do it yesterday because when I was taking my dad to lunch…my dumb luck, he mentions some people involved in this crud and he was extolling their virtue!...had me out of shape ALL day. I expect this stuff to be as hard as the CPT stuff, if just different causes, but it was so hard not to flinch at everything I heard myself saying.

I'll see how it goes tomorrow, but I am VERY worried about continuing down this path and remembering too much or just plain cracking. I re-heard what you said about the only benefit gained is if I go through the whole memory…but what if I remember is painful….is there a line? some catch-all? I know you're busy, so no response needed and we can discuss this in session (if it's ok) after you yell at me for being an friggin idiot. My only real point in writing this (and seriously no, the email is really not meant as an annoying payback for last week's session) is that I would like to ask for a little warning before the next session if you plan to push me to go deeper. I really am SCARED Doc, and not just of the sessions…like over my shoulder scared in multiple ways if that makes any dang sense! I do have about 500000 thoughts, questions, fears, ramblings, and epitomes that have been coming to me about ALL of this since last session. I am trying to write them all down when I can, but there is no way we'd get through them. I guess I am rambling here. You still Rock, Doc, even if I do question my sanity in agreeing to go through this.

dw

Long overdue Check-In

So it's been like seven months since I have remembered, or found time, to post anything on here. However, I have been doing a LOT of writing in journal that my doc has had me start using. I think I will start working on transferring that chicken scratch to this place so I can get rid of the hard copies at home.

Where I am at since my last post:
Things have been a lot better since last November. I did a lot of work through CPT with the Doc regarding the trauma from Iraq.
...Then I started a modified form of PE with the Doc regarding what she had termed CSA(Childhood Sexual Abuse). This has actually been much, much more painful AND difficult than the work on the Iraq trauma.
There have been some seriously strange side-effects of this therapy, for lack of a better term.
- Really bad dreams, some which are an inter-mingling of Iraq and one of the three separate CSAincidents.
- The realization that I hate myself almost 24/7 for the guilt that I carry from both Iraq trauma and some of the particular CSA.
- The remembrance of the some of the most painful (emotional AND physical) memories of my life
- The remembrance of a time when I had actually planned, and (the part I didn't tell the Doc) started to carry out my suicide. (I got lucky that I passed out before doing anything irreversible, even if I passed out only because I was waiting for my wife to come home so I could "finish" it)

It is so strange, and very fucking frustrating to me that I have these memories of major events or decisions in my life, and that I have apparently gotten exceptionally good and pushing these fuckers so deep I forget about them until some unknown trigger brings them back.

Some GREAT News:
my friend Shane is out of Jail after a long stay on some bullshit charges from a crackhead DA and an estranged spouse. But, he's home with probation only on misdemeanors as the new DA dropped/reduced the felony charges!!!!
WELCOME HOME BROTHER!