So I've been going around in circles and down fucking rabbit holes for awhile! Time in Hawaii was fun...but then flashbacks were a bitch. Hadn't seen the Doc for almost month when I went in there yesterday. Session was pretty good....but weird. Sometimes the doc makes faces and/or uses words that really make me wonder where her head was. Point in fact, if she wasn't my Doc, or if at least the conversation wasn't about what it actually was about...then I'd actually wonder if she wasn't starting to feel too close to me. Not necessarily in a sexual way....maybe in a way that's more than "brother" but less than "boyfriend." I would LOVE to ask her....but it's not worth the risk. I need HER help, and I have my own baggage and dependents anyway. If I wasn't so fucked up and so married, I would definitely have already done my best to hit on her.
In any event, the point of this post is that I am just fucking hating life right now. I did have some "dangerous" thoughts while away in Hawaii...but I didn't want to share that with the Doc or anyone...I didn't do ANYTHING to act on them since I really don't even like the idea of dying. Having a month off from the Doc really sucked ass...I really needed to talk with her about 15million times...and I just kinda missed her as a friend.
So over the last month -> I have been having a ton of questions about my childhood abuse and about Iraq. I have had too many dreams and too many flashbacks and too much guilt. The last few nights have been really horrible in the sex department too. So much so that I don't even WANT sex tonight despite my wife's very high libido and subsequent aggrevation about me telling her it's not going to happen. What's the actual problem?
The problem has been the frequency and types of memories that have been forcing their way into my head while having sex with my wife: childhood abuse AND Iraq. Then I get one of too reactions: I either loose my erection IMMEDIATELY (and my wife thinks it is due to the drugs I take)....or I cum instantly and then feel disgusted becuase my body reacted with physical excitment to such horrible, HORRIBLE, and PAINFUL memories.
So now I am going to journal more, a LOT MORE, and try to pick the Doc's brain about everything until I feel even just a little fucking better!
Showing posts with label Iraq Trauma. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Iraq Trauma. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
What I have versus what I want?
WARNING Somewhat disgusting sexually graphic!!! WARNING
So I have issues with combat related shit as well as sex. I have been shot at, mortared, rocketed, raped, forced upon others, and just generally taught many things that a person should never, NEVER, fucking learn as a child, and some even as an adult.
I get amped up at certain noises, certain images, certain places, certain crowds, ...just life I guess. The CPT helped me to really come out of my shell with people...at least in my mind. I have been able to say some things that NEEDED to be said to some of the people I love (if I really know what it means to love???). However, I am NOT able to say things to others that I love or care about, especially close friends.
Then there is the fact that I have a hard...difficult...time being honest with myself. From one minute to the next I am constantly having to put myself in check. My Doc says that I show signs of "Borderline-Personality-Disorder," ...although I am "not my mother!
However, there are thoughts, and maybe some actions, that I have that I later wonder: "Who the fuck was that???" I know I have already written a little about this, but it weighs so damn heavy on my mind that I just can't seem to get past it: apparently lying to myself for 25+ years, losing my identity, questioning every past and current decision, questioning and over-examining every last relationship. Who else but a crazy bastard would do this???
My actual point here, and it goes along with being confused about who I am, is the "what I want" question. There are some definite conflicts in my mind about what is appropriate to want, OK to want, NOT OK to want, and just FUCKING STUPID to want. I think that until I find ME, I am going to continue to be in conflict...to look back on things I said or did and say to myself: "Who the FUCK was that guy???" Until I come to some understanding with my own mind, I am going to continue to have to deal with unwanted desires and thoughts (NO, nothing illegal or hurtful to anyone....except the assholes who have fucked with me).
For instance, I can remember some of the worst digusting physical feelings from my childhood experiences (no one really wants to know those things!!!)...yet I want, and DO think about crazy sex all day. I LOVE Porn and woman...and even get turned on (SERIOUSLY) by certain groupsex ideas. I was forced to clean up "messes" after sex when I was a kid. WTF????? I hate Iraq, and I hate the shit that happened there. Yet, there are days that I would LOVE, give my left nut, beg and plead, to be able to go back. To put that battle-rattle back on and to chamber a round in my M-16 (much better for longer-range targets than the M-4, in my book) and take up watch or clear a house or even escort the trucks that empty the shitters.
So apparently, my fantasies and desires and wants can, and often do, conflict drastically with the traumas in my life. It would be so nice to just be a "normal" person....to be able to just have whatever kind of sex my wife wants and not be such a pervert with her (except for the things she likes)...to NOT dream and think about going back to Iraq...to NOT long for the feel of the heat or the ride in the truck out the wire.
I hope, wonder, and pray that getting through this PE therapy, as well as practicing the Mindfullness and CPT tools will help me to center myself on normalcy and not on freakish things. Otherwise, I should just move to a town like San Fran and take up with the freaks there...see how twisted I am????? Or maybe hop a flight to Baghdad and see what happens there???? NO...I have to BELIEVE that things will get better. The alternative is crappy, at best!!!!!!!
So I have issues with combat related shit as well as sex. I have been shot at, mortared, rocketed, raped, forced upon others, and just generally taught many things that a person should never, NEVER, fucking learn as a child, and some even as an adult.
I get amped up at certain noises, certain images, certain places, certain crowds, ...just life I guess. The CPT helped me to really come out of my shell with people...at least in my mind. I have been able to say some things that NEEDED to be said to some of the people I love (if I really know what it means to love???). However, I am NOT able to say things to others that I love or care about, especially close friends.
Then there is the fact that I have a hard...difficult...time being honest with myself. From one minute to the next I am constantly having to put myself in check. My Doc says that I show signs of "Borderline-Personality-Disorder," ...although I am "not my mother!
However, there are thoughts, and maybe some actions, that I have that I later wonder: "Who the fuck was that???" I know I have already written a little about this, but it weighs so damn heavy on my mind that I just can't seem to get past it: apparently lying to myself for 25+ years, losing my identity, questioning every past and current decision, questioning and over-examining every last relationship. Who else but a crazy bastard would do this???
My actual point here, and it goes along with being confused about who I am, is the "what I want" question. There are some definite conflicts in my mind about what is appropriate to want, OK to want, NOT OK to want, and just FUCKING STUPID to want. I think that until I find ME, I am going to continue to be in conflict...to look back on things I said or did and say to myself: "Who the FUCK was that guy???" Until I come to some understanding with my own mind, I am going to continue to have to deal with unwanted desires and thoughts (NO, nothing illegal or hurtful to anyone....except the assholes who have fucked with me).
For instance, I can remember some of the worst digusting physical feelings from my childhood experiences (no one really wants to know those things!!!)...yet I want, and DO think about crazy sex all day. I LOVE Porn and woman...and even get turned on (SERIOUSLY) by certain groupsex ideas. I was forced to clean up "messes" after sex when I was a kid. WTF????? I hate Iraq, and I hate the shit that happened there. Yet, there are days that I would LOVE, give my left nut, beg and plead, to be able to go back. To put that battle-rattle back on and to chamber a round in my M-16 (much better for longer-range targets than the M-4, in my book) and take up watch or clear a house or even escort the trucks that empty the shitters.
So apparently, my fantasies and desires and wants can, and often do, conflict drastically with the traumas in my life. It would be so nice to just be a "normal" person....to be able to just have whatever kind of sex my wife wants and not be such a pervert with her (except for the things she likes)...to NOT dream and think about going back to Iraq...to NOT long for the feel of the heat or the ride in the truck out the wire.
I hope, wonder, and pray that getting through this PE therapy, as well as practicing the Mindfullness and CPT tools will help me to center myself on normalcy and not on freakish things. Otherwise, I should just move to a town like San Fran and take up with the freaks there...see how twisted I am????? Or maybe hop a flight to Baghdad and see what happens there???? NO...I have to BELIEVE that things will get better. The alternative is crappy, at best!!!!!!!
Friday, May 27, 2011
(NOT) Being Able to Cry
Not being able to cry, when you just "FEEL" like you MUST...sucks. Especially after months of being willing to. The only time I had, mentioned in the below email I sent to the Doc, as "one crazy night" was a night that I was stone-cold drunk off of my ass and got triggered about th PX and ALL of my guilt came flooding in. BAD NIGHT that was!!!
From: Me
To: The Doc
Sent: Tuesday, November 9, 2010 5:56:39 PM
Subject: Emotional question
Doc,
I was thinking yesterday and today about something and wanted to ask.
Should I worry that I really haven't been able to let go of my emotions yet...except for one crazy night?
You kept telling me to, but even Monday I was holding it all back when I was re-reading the sheet on the kid and again when we were talking about it.
Subject: Emotional question
Doc,
I was thinking yesterday and today about something and wanted to ask.
Should I worry that I really haven't been able to let go of my emotions yet...except for one crazy night?
You kept telling me to, but even Monday I was holding it all back when I was re-reading the sheet on the kid and again when we were talking about it.
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