I tell myself, "self, you need to calm the fuck down!" And I mean it. This week I am on a fool's errand for work. However, there's been this thing...well a bunch to be honest...just bugging me. I say "bugging" and I think that this may be the best possible term.
So what is it that's got me angry today: my PTSD and my Therapy!!! So here's some bullets for me to be able to look at over time...kind of a "baseline"
- Since really digging in, and trying too move too fast maybe, on being raped multiple times as a child, I have really struggled with even the simplest tasks. Why???
- So many things remind me of those different times, or of Iraq, or of both!
- New memories come back frequently. Most anymore are small in impact. Some are HUGE! :-(
- I have 2 people that I can talk to who can ALSO provide some form of support more than typical friends.
- The wife....since I have been more open with her she has been really great 90% of the time
- The Doc. Until recently it has felt like since day 1 that she was their to honestly help me through all of this shit. Here is where part of my recent anger and sadness stems from.
- Last time I tried talking with a friend who "admitted" that he had similar problems as a child, that backfired fucking miserably. This basically set my mood and general well-being to "SHITTY". The subsequent air travel and driving really didn't fucking help. I think yesterday I was maybe two steps away from a figurative ledge and I don't want to be there.
I think I need to re-establish the communication pipe with the Doc, and soon. I could have been taking her email WAY out of context, but the overall impression was that the email was COLD, even if it was longer than her normal replies, and she really seemed to miss the point of why I emailed her what I did in the first place. Since she's one of the smartest people I know so there is some doubt that she completely missed the point in the email. Hence, since the point of the email was ignored in her response, and her response was focused on more on the things I need to do to ease her workload, I really walked away from reading it being pissed off at myself for being a nuisance yet AGAIN! Not sure how a conversation about this should/must go. Maybe I don't even need to have it....I could be wrong in my understanding of her responses and intent.
What are the things that are really pissing me off right now???:
- That I am again just a nuisance to the Doc. Not doing the whole specific discussion on how I KNOW she's the Doc, and VERY busy, and how I KNOW that just because I consider her a friend, doesn't mean that she thinks the same
- I am mad, I think, that she focused on the fact I emailed...nothing about what I emailed.
- That I have failed to remember the mindfulness stuff and have now been stuck in a downward spiralling cycle of blame for the childhood rape traumas I had to endure.
- I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO I AM!!!
- That the Doc doesn't seem to realize (again, based solely on my interpretation of her response this mornning) that I am just really fucked up now BECAUSE of where I am in the current therapy.
- That I think people have/do/mght think...Doc and the wife, at least, that I would put anything above my therapy in terms of priorities or wants. I MUST find a path forward that is going to ALLOW me to live!!! I might have the highest possible opinions of the Wife, the Doc, and of others who have/do tried to help. However, this does NOT mean that my opinions are more important to me than trying to get better...that is my focus.
I think the bottom line of my anger is that I FEEL OK with being all over the place and with definitely needing a LOT more reassurance right now....but I worry that the Doc has now either gotten too busy to be able to effectivly help, or that she no longer wants to help. I have a lot more pressing concerns than my therapy...but with all the other shit in my head right now...my therapy and its current future is a huge worry of mine right now. I CANNOT, and probably WILL NOT, move to a different Doc. It's the one I have or nothing....possibly regardless of the consequences to myself.
Showing posts with label Doc. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Doc. Show all posts
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Stupid PTSD, STUPID ME
Sometimes I have to wonder why...WHY...WWWHHHHYYYY? I mean, how is it some people fought right next to me, almost literally in Iraq, and aren't bothered at all by that shit. I hear a bass drum at a concert and it just takes me back to all the incoming rounds landing around me, blowing shit...and people...all to hell!!! I have been told that my childhood sexual trauma is a BIG reason why Iraq affected me so. I spent most of my life trying...and for the most part succeeding, to forget everything that happened back then. Hell, I had all but forgotten EVERYTHING until the shit from Iraq messed up the grey area in between my fucking ears.
I have been in therapy for now almost two, TWO years. I knew that if I didnt go, I would become one of those older vets who does really violent and stupid shit. Hell, I had even forgotten about three suicide plans (and one partial attempt that I had seriously worked out...only told the Doc one though for some reason) I mean, I SEE the temper and I know the thoughts I have when I am pissed...and I see the dumbass ideas I get when I am amped up. I wonder how many other vets are on the freeway, get in "that place" and just floor the fucking gas peddle. Who in that situation doesn't want to feel the fucking the rush of the cars getting passed and the quiet knowledge that it wouldn't take much at all...just a slight jerk of the wheel...to end all of the fucking misery.
I think I still apply that same process to too many things. I mean, I have learned a LOT in therapy and I really try to use it. But then there's those days, or even weeks, when everything goes out the window and I get sooooo fucked/jacked/amped/twisted up in hell. At this point, I am starting to think that maybe I did have a little more than the usual bad stuff happen to me when I was younger...like maybe I am a little bit unique in my own hell. I sure as shit don't think I am better than anyone and I certainly don't deserve any more attention than the next guy. Hell, there are vets that MOST DEFINITELY have earned more respect and need for attention than I could even fathom. I mean, what did I do...I got some guys killed, I didn't kill a specific insurgent teenager when I had the perfect chance (getting even more killed), I took a lot of rounds that missed me by the grace of God or a gust of wind, and I looked at too many fucked up bodies from explosions (although I say that a body that's been sitting for a few days in the heat HAS to be worse than one that just got dismembered from a friggin mortar round). Ohh..and there's the fact that at three...THREE...different times in my childhood(ages 4-5, 6-7, and 9-10) I was used as a fuck-hole for too many people. Raped! I was RAPED more than once by more than once person. I was RAPED with fingers, toys, and a bunch of asshole's cocks. Sometimes I can feel that pain now...I remember that it never didn't hurt during the younger times and I am sickened that I have memories of kind of liking that shit while the last couple was raping her daughter and me. I went through six months or so of puberty while learning yet again how to suck men and eat women and how to have sex myself. First time I ever "measured" myself was because that barmaid bitch told me to...that was the first time I ever really thought about how long or fat I was. That stupid bitch was obsessed with comparing me to her fucking boyfriend...she made it a game and I somewhat believe that she was the one in charge. She made him so pissed one time when she said I was "fatter" then him. How fucked up is it that I was proud of that...they are MAKING me fuck and suck them and her daughter and I was starting to like it and starting to get proud of my dick and taking pride in the fucked up shit I was "learning" how to do. Sometimes I WANTED to go down the street to that fucking black house. I wished my dick didn't work back then or that I would've cut it off. Then her cigarette breath would have never affected it!!! Some days it is SOOO hard to feel like a man when I realized that the only people probably fucked more in the ass and mouth than me are the gonzo porn chics. Probably not really true but it fucking feels like it!!!!!!! Doesn't help that I went though spurts of time where I thought I was gay or bi. Not attracted to guys, but sometimes the idea of some specific things makes me way too excited sometimes. Especially when that same idea is a reminder of the things I had to do as a kid...a reminder of this shit. I think the middle stuff was the worst because that bitch and her husband were definitely fucking psycho...but I am not sure that some bondage, s&m, and rape is worse than the mini-orgies and the fucking fantasies that I still find myself having that almost mimic the same positions and actions. Oh, if I could find those motherfuckers...every last fucking one of them!!! How's that for honestly...which brings me to my stupidity.
I could be doing something valuable like working on stuff for this course I am in or doing homework that is due tonight...but nope. I am paying my homework only a little attention while I dig around on the TV, look for decent porn, and ponder drinking way too much scotch. Too much scotch...I think with my medication that ANY scotch is too much. But given the fact that I NEVER feel drunk from scotch UNLESS I have had too much....I wouldn't know I had too much until I had too much. Of course that would be bad for a bunch of reasons! I have had so many stupid ideas tonight it's a wonder that suicide is the only thing I haven't thought about. I mean, I don't want to die...not sure I wan't to "be"...but I don't want to be dead. How much easier would things be if my doc just locked me up for the rest of my life??? Unfortunately, I have the kids, so a long-term lock up would definitely result in a mass homicide and a suicide. But, my life feels so SOOO fucked right now that sometimes I really wish she would lock me up. I don't think I could effectively lie to her, so I don't think there's anything shy of "please lock me up" that I could say to her...especially since getting "locked up" would cost me my job and other things. What a fucking bummer!!!! How come we as a society can't have mental health week on a bi-annual basis? I mean I have this DRIVE to be the BEST at what I do at work...but personally I am just sooo fucking drained most of the time.
So why do I want to run? Why am I not using my tools effectively? Why do I feel like I am regressing? I have NO idea. A part of me thinks that I feel "comfortable" in my misery, but a part of my thinks it needs to be gone like yesterday and that I need to start LIVING. But then it's like there are all these things against me in my personal life: I have a wife I trust maybe 20% of the time to be supportive, I ha I have the same Doc who I wish didn't have so many damn patients, I have a memory that doesn't seem to want to remind me of the tools when I need them most, and I seem to have just plain gotten lazy with little drive to better myself personally. I seem to put all of my efforts into professional development and keeping my wife from exploding. Doesn't seem right on some level I guess!!!!!!!!
I guess I am going to go to sleep...maybe that's the only right answer for today and tomorrow I will have some fucking epiphany. Who the fuck knows!!!! I do know that I don't want to deal with any bullshit tonight...which is probably a good reason to contact the Doc...but NOT doing that either. But on the flip side of the "talking to people" thing, I still have to tell my kids goodnight and talk to my wife.
I have been in therapy for now almost two, TWO years. I knew that if I didnt go, I would become one of those older vets who does really violent and stupid shit. Hell, I had even forgotten about three suicide plans (and one partial attempt that I had seriously worked out...only told the Doc one though for some reason) I mean, I SEE the temper and I know the thoughts I have when I am pissed...and I see the dumbass ideas I get when I am amped up. I wonder how many other vets are on the freeway, get in "that place" and just floor the fucking gas peddle. Who in that situation doesn't want to feel the fucking the rush of the cars getting passed and the quiet knowledge that it wouldn't take much at all...just a slight jerk of the wheel...to end all of the fucking misery.
I think I still apply that same process to too many things. I mean, I have learned a LOT in therapy and I really try to use it. But then there's those days, or even weeks, when everything goes out the window and I get sooooo fucked/jacked/amped/twisted up in hell. At this point, I am starting to think that maybe I did have a little more than the usual bad stuff happen to me when I was younger...like maybe I am a little bit unique in my own hell. I sure as shit don't think I am better than anyone and I certainly don't deserve any more attention than the next guy. Hell, there are vets that MOST DEFINITELY have earned more respect and need for attention than I could even fathom. I mean, what did I do...I got some guys killed, I didn't kill a specific insurgent teenager when I had the perfect chance (getting even more killed), I took a lot of rounds that missed me by the grace of God or a gust of wind, and I looked at too many fucked up bodies from explosions (although I say that a body that's been sitting for a few days in the heat HAS to be worse than one that just got dismembered from a friggin mortar round). Ohh..and there's the fact that at three...THREE...different times in my childhood(ages 4-5, 6-7, and 9-10) I was used as a fuck-hole for too many people. Raped! I was RAPED more than once by more than once person. I was RAPED with fingers, toys, and a bunch of asshole's cocks. Sometimes I can feel that pain now...I remember that it never didn't hurt during the younger times and I am sickened that I have memories of kind of liking that shit while the last couple was raping her daughter and me. I went through six months or so of puberty while learning yet again how to suck men and eat women and how to have sex myself. First time I ever "measured" myself was because that barmaid bitch told me to...that was the first time I ever really thought about how long or fat I was. That stupid bitch was obsessed with comparing me to her fucking boyfriend...she made it a game and I somewhat believe that she was the one in charge. She made him so pissed one time when she said I was "fatter" then him. How fucked up is it that I was proud of that...they are MAKING me fuck and suck them and her daughter and I was starting to like it and starting to get proud of my dick and taking pride in the fucked up shit I was "learning" how to do. Sometimes I WANTED to go down the street to that fucking black house. I wished my dick didn't work back then or that I would've cut it off. Then her cigarette breath would have never affected it!!! Some days it is SOOO hard to feel like a man when I realized that the only people probably fucked more in the ass and mouth than me are the gonzo porn chics. Probably not really true but it fucking feels like it!!!!!!! Doesn't help that I went though spurts of time where I thought I was gay or bi. Not attracted to guys, but sometimes the idea of some specific things makes me way too excited sometimes. Especially when that same idea is a reminder of the things I had to do as a kid...a reminder of this shit. I think the middle stuff was the worst because that bitch and her husband were definitely fucking psycho...but I am not sure that some bondage, s&m, and rape is worse than the mini-orgies and the fucking fantasies that I still find myself having that almost mimic the same positions and actions. Oh, if I could find those motherfuckers...every last fucking one of them!!! How's that for honestly...which brings me to my stupidity.
I could be doing something valuable like working on stuff for this course I am in or doing homework that is due tonight...but nope. I am paying my homework only a little attention while I dig around on the TV, look for decent porn, and ponder drinking way too much scotch. Too much scotch...I think with my medication that ANY scotch is too much. But given the fact that I NEVER feel drunk from scotch UNLESS I have had too much....I wouldn't know I had too much until I had too much. Of course that would be bad for a bunch of reasons! I have had so many stupid ideas tonight it's a wonder that suicide is the only thing I haven't thought about. I mean, I don't want to die...not sure I wan't to "be"...but I don't want to be dead. How much easier would things be if my doc just locked me up for the rest of my life??? Unfortunately, I have the kids, so a long-term lock up would definitely result in a mass homicide and a suicide. But, my life feels so SOOO fucked right now that sometimes I really wish she would lock me up. I don't think I could effectively lie to her, so I don't think there's anything shy of "please lock me up" that I could say to her...especially since getting "locked up" would cost me my job and other things. What a fucking bummer!!!! How come we as a society can't have mental health week on a bi-annual basis? I mean I have this DRIVE to be the BEST at what I do at work...but personally I am just sooo fucking drained most of the time.
So why do I want to run? Why am I not using my tools effectively? Why do I feel like I am regressing? I have NO idea. A part of me thinks that I feel "comfortable" in my misery, but a part of my thinks it needs to be gone like yesterday and that I need to start LIVING. But then it's like there are all these things against me in my personal life: I have a wife I trust maybe 20% of the time to be supportive, I ha I have the same Doc who I wish didn't have so many damn patients, I have a memory that doesn't seem to want to remind me of the tools when I need them most, and I seem to have just plain gotten lazy with little drive to better myself personally. I seem to put all of my efforts into professional development and keeping my wife from exploding. Doesn't seem right on some level I guess!!!!!!!!
I guess I am going to go to sleep...maybe that's the only right answer for today and tomorrow I will have some fucking epiphany. Who the fuck knows!!!! I do know that I don't want to deal with any bullshit tonight...which is probably a good reason to contact the Doc...but NOT doing that either. But on the flip side of the "talking to people" thing, I still have to tell my kids goodnight and talk to my wife.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Associating my wife with hell????
My wife and I have been having some really stupid but fucked up arguments as of late. The bottom line has been that she believes that "if [I] inists she see a counselor about who she's become then I can just leave." This was only part of the argument. A lot my complaints with her revolve CONSISTENTLY around her constantly shitty temper and the yelling.
I HATE yelling and I do it myself ONLY as a LAST option before using my fists t settle something. Yelling has a VERY strong ability to trigger ALL of my trauma from my childhood as well as some of the incidents from Iraq. So, yelling kind of ALWAYS takes me back to that hell of being raped as a child...EVERY time! Since I have started explicitly working this trauma with the Doc, my reaction has worsened! It's even been so bad as to cause me problems when a specific group member looses his temper. It's like an isntant flashback trigger. Now, my wife has been kind of the same.
So this past Monday we had this continuation of the fight and she was yelling. She later gave me her "apology" in the form of a hug and a dirty joke. Shortly after that, she wanted sex. So I had sex with her.
I am sure that I only go hard was due to being physically horny. I was able to get into us having sex but I had to fight a lot of shit from when I was hurt as a kid. It might be germane to note that we JUST had sex...some oral and grouping and kissing and them me on top. However, she had asked to get some of our "things" and to 69 with her. I would normally be OK that, even like it, but it seemed like everything she did or wanted just triggerd more memories of hell!!!
This wouldn't have been if it was just one night. However, happeded that night and then again Thursday. And that wasn't the worst part. What was the worst was actually 2 things...equally horrible: 1) My nightares have been horrible since Monday night, and 2) EVERYTIME I have been around her this last week and looked at, I either see those fucker's face or I see her face on the necks of those who raped me!!!!!
The Doc was helpful, even if she did have to miss my second appointment for the week this past Friday. However, I am falling asleep typing this so I will have to update or post a part II. The only good news is that I am out of town for a week, so I don't need a solution this very exact second.
I HATE yelling and I do it myself ONLY as a LAST option before using my fists t settle something. Yelling has a VERY strong ability to trigger ALL of my trauma from my childhood as well as some of the incidents from Iraq. So, yelling kind of ALWAYS takes me back to that hell of being raped as a child...EVERY time! Since I have started explicitly working this trauma with the Doc, my reaction has worsened! It's even been so bad as to cause me problems when a specific group member looses his temper. It's like an isntant flashback trigger. Now, my wife has been kind of the same.
So this past Monday we had this continuation of the fight and she was yelling. She later gave me her "apology" in the form of a hug and a dirty joke. Shortly after that, she wanted sex. So I had sex with her.
I am sure that I only go hard was due to being physically horny. I was able to get into us having sex but I had to fight a lot of shit from when I was hurt as a kid. It might be germane to note that we JUST had sex...some oral and grouping and kissing and them me on top. However, she had asked to get some of our "things" and to 69 with her. I would normally be OK that, even like it, but it seemed like everything she did or wanted just triggerd more memories of hell!!!
This wouldn't have been if it was just one night. However, happeded that night and then again Thursday. And that wasn't the worst part. What was the worst was actually 2 things...equally horrible: 1) My nightares have been horrible since Monday night, and 2) EVERYTIME I have been around her this last week and looked at, I either see those fucker's face or I see her face on the necks of those who raped me!!!!!
The Doc was helpful, even if she did have to miss my second appointment for the week this past Friday. However, I am falling asleep typing this so I will have to update or post a part II. The only good news is that I am out of town for a week, so I don't need a solution this very exact second.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Down the Rabbit Hole again...and again...and again!
So I've been going around in circles and down fucking rabbit holes for awhile! Time in Hawaii was fun...but then flashbacks were a bitch. Hadn't seen the Doc for almost month when I went in there yesterday. Session was pretty good....but weird. Sometimes the doc makes faces and/or uses words that really make me wonder where her head was. Point in fact, if she wasn't my Doc, or if at least the conversation wasn't about what it actually was about...then I'd actually wonder if she wasn't starting to feel too close to me. Not necessarily in a sexual way....maybe in a way that's more than "brother" but less than "boyfriend." I would LOVE to ask her....but it's not worth the risk. I need HER help, and I have my own baggage and dependents anyway. If I wasn't so fucked up and so married, I would definitely have already done my best to hit on her.
In any event, the point of this post is that I am just fucking hating life right now. I did have some "dangerous" thoughts while away in Hawaii...but I didn't want to share that with the Doc or anyone...I didn't do ANYTHING to act on them since I really don't even like the idea of dying. Having a month off from the Doc really sucked ass...I really needed to talk with her about 15million times...and I just kinda missed her as a friend.
So over the last month -> I have been having a ton of questions about my childhood abuse and about Iraq. I have had too many dreams and too many flashbacks and too much guilt. The last few nights have been really horrible in the sex department too. So much so that I don't even WANT sex tonight despite my wife's very high libido and subsequent aggrevation about me telling her it's not going to happen. What's the actual problem?
The problem has been the frequency and types of memories that have been forcing their way into my head while having sex with my wife: childhood abuse AND Iraq. Then I get one of too reactions: I either loose my erection IMMEDIATELY (and my wife thinks it is due to the drugs I take)....or I cum instantly and then feel disgusted becuase my body reacted with physical excitment to such horrible, HORRIBLE, and PAINFUL memories.
So now I am going to journal more, a LOT MORE, and try to pick the Doc's brain about everything until I feel even just a little fucking better!
In any event, the point of this post is that I am just fucking hating life right now. I did have some "dangerous" thoughts while away in Hawaii...but I didn't want to share that with the Doc or anyone...I didn't do ANYTHING to act on them since I really don't even like the idea of dying. Having a month off from the Doc really sucked ass...I really needed to talk with her about 15million times...and I just kinda missed her as a friend.
So over the last month -> I have been having a ton of questions about my childhood abuse and about Iraq. I have had too many dreams and too many flashbacks and too much guilt. The last few nights have been really horrible in the sex department too. So much so that I don't even WANT sex tonight despite my wife's very high libido and subsequent aggrevation about me telling her it's not going to happen. What's the actual problem?
The problem has been the frequency and types of memories that have been forcing their way into my head while having sex with my wife: childhood abuse AND Iraq. Then I get one of too reactions: I either loose my erection IMMEDIATELY (and my wife thinks it is due to the drugs I take)....or I cum instantly and then feel disgusted becuase my body reacted with physical excitment to such horrible, HORRIBLE, and PAINFUL memories.
So now I am going to journal more, a LOT MORE, and try to pick the Doc's brain about everything until I feel even just a little fucking better!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Journaling, Blogging, and Anonymity
So...I started journaling months ago at the Doc's request (order?). I like it, to be completely honest. It has allowed me to just let things flow in a why...to be able to write what I want. Actually what happens most of the time is that I get in the almost fugue state and "just write." I never seem to recall what I have written, and I have almost never gone back over it...much like this blog. There is a difference between the journal and blog though. The Doc would read the journal entries out loud and provide feedback or positive criticism whereas, with the exception of one person, I don't think anyone has ever read this blog.
Pros and Cons of the journal and the blog:
Pros for Journal: feedback, a little slower writing than typing (a little more control over what I write).
Pros for Blog: anonymity, and no one reads this.
Cons for Journal: physical record of what I have written and easily more traceable to me than my blog, sometimes the fact that I write some borderline shit and forget so there have been some embarrasing times with the Doc reading things.
Cons for Blog: No feedback since no one reads it. It's on the web.
So here's my thinking: If I don't journal, then the Doc doesn't read it: no feedback, but no worries. If I do journal, do I mirror the journal in the blog, just save the blog for some of the more personal or fearful entries. Also, I am conflicted about the blog and the "safety" of some of the information (and it's attribution) on here. Maybe blogging my PTSD shit is a bad idea? Dangerous? Then there's the fact that I really do appreciate the honest feedback from the Doc, so although I am glad that no one reads this, sometimes I actually regret that no one reads it or posts any comments, even anonymously. I will say that I got the impression in a discussion the other day that someone I know does actually read this, they just don't admit it...strange impression and probably just me being a fucking mindreader again!
So do I continue to blog or go back to journal, or some combination thereof??? That is one of the questions plaguing me tonight.
I will say I am going to bed in just a few minutes....getting to bed before midnight for the first time in 3-4 weeks(?) is a must. The fatigue is REALLY wearing on me and I am just plain fucking tired!
Pros and Cons of the journal and the blog:
Pros for Journal: feedback, a little slower writing than typing (a little more control over what I write).
Pros for Blog: anonymity, and no one reads this.
Cons for Journal: physical record of what I have written and easily more traceable to me than my blog, sometimes the fact that I write some borderline shit and forget so there have been some embarrasing times with the Doc reading things.
Cons for Blog: No feedback since no one reads it. It's on the web.
So here's my thinking: If I don't journal, then the Doc doesn't read it: no feedback, but no worries. If I do journal, do I mirror the journal in the blog, just save the blog for some of the more personal or fearful entries. Also, I am conflicted about the blog and the "safety" of some of the information (and it's attribution) on here. Maybe blogging my PTSD shit is a bad idea? Dangerous? Then there's the fact that I really do appreciate the honest feedback from the Doc, so although I am glad that no one reads this, sometimes I actually regret that no one reads it or posts any comments, even anonymously. I will say that I got the impression in a discussion the other day that someone I know does actually read this, they just don't admit it...strange impression and probably just me being a fucking mindreader again!
So do I continue to blog or go back to journal, or some combination thereof??? That is one of the questions plaguing me tonight.
I will say I am going to bed in just a few minutes....getting to bed before midnight for the first time in 3-4 weeks(?) is a must. The fatigue is REALLY wearing on me and I am just plain fucking tired!
Remembering Myself and good things...and bad things too!
Today was a decent...maybe even really good session. I was feeling ok prior to going but the Doc was a little mean today. I think she said she wasn't put up with any of us "deflectors" today and reminded me of a guy I know who does the same thing I do: run my smartass mouth to avoid things in the moment, pressure, fear, etc
The Doc was dissapointed in the Challenging worksheets I did over the last few days. I was at first kind of mad in her judgement that I didn't do anything. However, we worked through one together and it was actually a pretty awesome thing. Somewhere in the tough questions and rough answers, the Doc articulated what I was starting to realize: I NEVER thank/remember/appreciate myself! I have completely discounted the fact that I have done some pretty tough, and deep therapy over the last 18 months. It was this realization that also provided an epiphany regarding one of my stuck points: I am afraid of other things I might recall and that a memory may come back and just completely brake me mentally...permenantly. However, the fact that I have been able to work some pretty fucked memories already, that I am still alive, and that I am not completely broken....I feel really good about handling any other future memories that may surface.
I felt really, really good about that and my attitude improved internally immediately!!!
However, I got to thinking, and rambling (actually feel bad for the Doc for having to listen to me). I started thinking about a particularly horrible time and got to thinking about why my parents never knew what was going on...ever. Especially during the later times. I had realized that I was just pissed about that, at my mom the most, that she never knew or protected me. My dad was never there anyway, but my mom was. I can't be too mad at her becuase, as the Doc walked me through, my mom had her own issues and fears and trauma to work through.
So kind of a mixed blessing today with the session. The epiphany was extremely nice...helpful...and took a shitload of anxiety away. The memory rambling was really shitty...I had to hold my back my tears, although I probably should have let them go. Not sure why I didn't becuase Lord knows I fucking need to!
The Doc was dissapointed in the Challenging worksheets I did over the last few days. I was at first kind of mad in her judgement that I didn't do anything. However, we worked through one together and it was actually a pretty awesome thing. Somewhere in the tough questions and rough answers, the Doc articulated what I was starting to realize: I NEVER thank/remember/appreciate myself! I have completely discounted the fact that I have done some pretty tough, and deep therapy over the last 18 months. It was this realization that also provided an epiphany regarding one of my stuck points: I am afraid of other things I might recall and that a memory may come back and just completely brake me mentally...permenantly. However, the fact that I have been able to work some pretty fucked memories already, that I am still alive, and that I am not completely broken....I feel really good about handling any other future memories that may surface.
I felt really, really good about that and my attitude improved internally immediately!!!
However, I got to thinking, and rambling (actually feel bad for the Doc for having to listen to me). I started thinking about a particularly horrible time and got to thinking about why my parents never knew what was going on...ever. Especially during the later times. I had realized that I was just pissed about that, at my mom the most, that she never knew or protected me. My dad was never there anyway, but my mom was. I can't be too mad at her becuase, as the Doc walked me through, my mom had her own issues and fears and trauma to work through.
So kind of a mixed blessing today with the session. The epiphany was extremely nice...helpful...and took a shitload of anxiety away. The memory rambling was really shitty...I had to hold my back my tears, although I probably should have let them go. Not sure why I didn't becuase Lord knows I fucking need to!
Challenging Beliefs and NOT wanting to go to bed!!!
Sometimes I think I have a difficult time with trying to figure out if what's going on in my brain is controllable or not. I mean, if I can't control it then I should just accept it and move one...deal with it ike a big boy I guess. But what if it's just a Stuckpoint that is still unresolved/not yet addressed?
It's 2am and I am playing catch-up on too many fucking things right now. I should go to bed since I need to be up in 5 hours. However, I am afraid to sleep tonight, even with a full dose of Lorazepam! Some of the dreams I have been having are catastrophic to my beliefs that I am getting better...yet I do believe still that I am getting better and that the Doc is helping me. It's just that the shit in my head is so horrible to me, and when I sleep and let it take over....it's 100000x's worse.
A recurring dream I have is a bastardizing of real memories/people. There I am, watching the building getting hit my incoming and just KNOWING that people I JUST talked with are now dead. That sucks in a dream, as in real life, no matter what! However, the other part of this shitty reoccuring dream is that there is another person, from the childhood trauma in my life. They are laughing at me and tell me: "That should be you dying over there, not the other guys!" In the dream she uses the names, but I am omitting them here.The Anniversary of this horrible thing for which I blamed myself (still do/starting to again) is coming up in less than two weeks...matter of fact, it's on a day that I would normally attend group. I haven't been going to group becuase of a job change...but I think I need to go that day for sure!!!!!
My therapy schedule has been changed...which I think is a great thing. However, I only had a few days between the last session and the new one. I did the listening part two times, but haven't had time to do ANY writing (although I guess if I can blog, I have time. lol). What I am supposed to work on are a bunch of stuckpoints using the Challenging Beliefs Worksheets or ABC Worksheets. I jotted some stuff down, but really don't have them down. ...Now I am going to have to leave work a little earlier than planned in order to get at least the three that Doc wanted done. However, how do I pick which three?
If someone reading this doesn't know, a stuckpoint is a belief (hard-coded, ground-in) in something, usually negative about yourself or a situation. The worksheets are actually very helpful in AT LEAST realizing that there is a different way to think about things.
So...over the last few weeks, the imaginal sessions got really rough, disgusting, and a lot more detail than I thought I was going to give the Doc (that's a ton of fucking trust right there!!!). However, the roughness of it all...and my fucking stupid ass living in my head...a LOT of shit has come out and I have been really...REALLY...fucked up!!!
1) I recalled that a few years ago, I had a full blown and thought out plan to end my life. It was providence or dumb luck that my wife's schedule didn't work out the way I planned...so I put it off and it never happened.
- How is that I forgot about this? During that time of my life I KNOW, even know, that I hated everything and was fucking miserable!!!!
2) I hate, HATE, myself for the CST shit. Even though I know I didn't cause it, I know I had no control over what they did or made me do...it still sucks becuase I think of myself as someone who wold protect anyone getting hurt and as someone who just wouldn't do a lot of those things.
3) I just don't know WHO I AM. I already wrote about this..so not gonna re-hash it here. It's just really weighing on me. The point I made to the Doc the other day was: what if I figure out who I am and with that realize that I am not the married with kids guy...maybe I'm a truck driving loaner???
So, the Doc and I discussed these things and many others in great detail. From that came my homework:
1) listen to the latest recording everynight (except the night on the day of the therapy session)
2) Work on the stuckpoints using the worksheets I mentioned above.
The stuckpoints the doc worked up for me to focus on:
1) I am broken and will never get better
2) I will become my [parent who was BPD, suicidal]
3) I'm going to pull something else up (like the forgetting about the planned suicide)
4) I deserve to be punished/If anyone deserves to be punished, it's me
5) I should feel different
6) I should be able to control my emotions and thoughts
7) I am losing all sense of me
8) Who am I...who do I want to be
9) I'm NOT who I thought I was. I'm a hypocrite. I thought abot suicide. I didn't protect!
Yeah....those are the ones I gotta work on now. I am sure that I could come up with 20 more...but maybe these 9 are enough for now. What additionally sucks is that 1, 2, and 4 were all stuckpoints that I worked on with the Iraq specific trauma!
Later I am going to add my worksheets for the above. I think I am also going to add copies (scanned pics?) of my original impact and trauma statements (with names redacted worse than the federal government intel. The thought is that: 1) maybe one day someone might actually read this shit and it might help them, and 2) it would allow me to get rid of the hard copies that I carry EVERYDAY/EVERYWHERE.
OK...I think I am going to go face my fear of sleep and go to bed. Had a porno on for the last 30 minutes...maybe that will help my dreams be at least FUN?????
It's 2am and I am playing catch-up on too many fucking things right now. I should go to bed since I need to be up in 5 hours. However, I am afraid to sleep tonight, even with a full dose of Lorazepam! Some of the dreams I have been having are catastrophic to my beliefs that I am getting better...yet I do believe still that I am getting better and that the Doc is helping me. It's just that the shit in my head is so horrible to me, and when I sleep and let it take over....it's 100000x's worse.
A recurring dream I have is a bastardizing of real memories/people. There I am, watching the building getting hit my incoming and just KNOWING that people I JUST talked with are now dead. That sucks in a dream, as in real life, no matter what! However, the other part of this shitty reoccuring dream is that there is another person, from the childhood trauma in my life. They are laughing at me and tell me: "That should be you dying over there, not the other guys!" In the dream she uses the names, but I am omitting them here.The Anniversary of this horrible thing for which I blamed myself (still do/starting to again) is coming up in less than two weeks...matter of fact, it's on a day that I would normally attend group. I haven't been going to group becuase of a job change...but I think I need to go that day for sure!!!!!
My therapy schedule has been changed...which I think is a great thing. However, I only had a few days between the last session and the new one. I did the listening part two times, but haven't had time to do ANY writing (although I guess if I can blog, I have time. lol). What I am supposed to work on are a bunch of stuckpoints using the Challenging Beliefs Worksheets or ABC Worksheets. I jotted some stuff down, but really don't have them down. ...Now I am going to have to leave work a little earlier than planned in order to get at least the three that Doc wanted done. However, how do I pick which three?
If someone reading this doesn't know, a stuckpoint is a belief (hard-coded, ground-in) in something, usually negative about yourself or a situation. The worksheets are actually very helpful in AT LEAST realizing that there is a different way to think about things.
So...over the last few weeks, the imaginal sessions got really rough, disgusting, and a lot more detail than I thought I was going to give the Doc (that's a ton of fucking trust right there!!!). However, the roughness of it all...and my fucking stupid ass living in my head...a LOT of shit has come out and I have been really...REALLY...fucked up!!!
1) I recalled that a few years ago, I had a full blown and thought out plan to end my life. It was providence or dumb luck that my wife's schedule didn't work out the way I planned...so I put it off and it never happened.
- How is that I forgot about this? During that time of my life I KNOW, even know, that I hated everything and was fucking miserable!!!!
2) I hate, HATE, myself for the CST shit. Even though I know I didn't cause it, I know I had no control over what they did or made me do...it still sucks becuase I think of myself as someone who wold protect anyone getting hurt and as someone who just wouldn't do a lot of those things.
3) I just don't know WHO I AM. I already wrote about this..so not gonna re-hash it here. It's just really weighing on me. The point I made to the Doc the other day was: what if I figure out who I am and with that realize that I am not the married with kids guy...maybe I'm a truck driving loaner???
So, the Doc and I discussed these things and many others in great detail. From that came my homework:
1) listen to the latest recording everynight (except the night on the day of the therapy session)
2) Work on the stuckpoints using the worksheets I mentioned above.
The stuckpoints the doc worked up for me to focus on:
1) I am broken and will never get better
2) I will become my [parent who was BPD, suicidal]
3) I'm going to pull something else up (like the forgetting about the planned suicide)
4) I deserve to be punished/If anyone deserves to be punished, it's me
5) I should feel different
6) I should be able to control my emotions and thoughts
7) I am losing all sense of me
8) Who am I...who do I want to be
9) I'm NOT who I thought I was. I'm a hypocrite. I thought abot suicide. I didn't protect!
Yeah....those are the ones I gotta work on now. I am sure that I could come up with 20 more...but maybe these 9 are enough for now. What additionally sucks is that 1, 2, and 4 were all stuckpoints that I worked on with the Iraq specific trauma!
Later I am going to add my worksheets for the above. I think I am also going to add copies (scanned pics?) of my original impact and trauma statements (with names redacted worse than the federal government intel. The thought is that: 1) maybe one day someone might actually read this shit and it might help them, and 2) it would allow me to get rid of the hard copies that I carry EVERYDAY/EVERYWHERE.
OK...I think I am going to go face my fear of sleep and go to bed. Had a porno on for the last 30 minutes...maybe that will help my dreams be at least FUN?????
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Seven Hours Later
I was on a little bit of a wierd tear last night. Overly exhausted and working too hard to block out the bad shit.
Seems like the last few weeks have been a little rougher than what I was getting used to. I have been having a LOT of the bad PTSD symptoms during this time: Bad ANGER, Horrible Nightmares, Bad Flashbacks (including physical), Paranoia everywhere.
I know what's causing it, or at least why it has gotten worse again. I have been working on the PE therapy and having to make recordings of my trauma memories and then listen to them daily (nightly actually). These recordings have been pretty damn horrible to hear every day. My SUDS have peaked pretty high everytime but they have gotten better over time, at least a little.
The recent recordings I have been having to listen to are me reciting memories and emotions regarding the horrible, disgusting experiences from when I was a child. My Doc has pushed pretty hard, although not too hard (actually sometimes I think I want her to push harder just so I get past some things) about me being exact in my recollections and feelings, and emotions. "Feelings" in this case has been her asking about my memories of certain physical feelings AS WELL as the physical feelings that a particular emotion/memory may be causing. I don't always understand some of the questions she asks, nor their importance, but I am sure that they have their purpose.
The recordings have been hard to listen to for multiple reasons, but I do feel that over time I am "getting used" to them, which is the purpose of the whole process. My most recent recording has been the worst of the five I have so far. We have taken brakes between recordings 3 and 4, and between 4 and 5. These brakes have been sooooo fucking needed. Especially since there are a million other things that I have needed to discuss with the Doc. Back to the last recording: this last recording has been the worst thing I think I have ever had to listen to or pay attention to. There have been listening sessions where I have had to turn the damn thing off, or find something to distract myself while "listening." The reason(s) for this is becuase of what is on the recording.
This particular recording was supposed to be me reading off a paper the "worst and primary" memories from my first CST. I was able to read rather quickly through the list, and to be more embarrassed than affected...until the doc asked me to expound on my feelings. This led to me explaining exact things that happened and how I felt. This is of course where a SHITLOAD of guilt and pain came out.
Got to stop here to deal with some other stuff...
Seems like the last few weeks have been a little rougher than what I was getting used to. I have been having a LOT of the bad PTSD symptoms during this time: Bad ANGER, Horrible Nightmares, Bad Flashbacks (including physical), Paranoia everywhere.
I know what's causing it, or at least why it has gotten worse again. I have been working on the PE therapy and having to make recordings of my trauma memories and then listen to them daily (nightly actually). These recordings have been pretty damn horrible to hear every day. My SUDS have peaked pretty high everytime but they have gotten better over time, at least a little.
The recent recordings I have been having to listen to are me reciting memories and emotions regarding the horrible, disgusting experiences from when I was a child. My Doc has pushed pretty hard, although not too hard (actually sometimes I think I want her to push harder just so I get past some things) about me being exact in my recollections and feelings, and emotions. "Feelings" in this case has been her asking about my memories of certain physical feelings AS WELL as the physical feelings that a particular emotion/memory may be causing. I don't always understand some of the questions she asks, nor their importance, but I am sure that they have their purpose.
The recordings have been hard to listen to for multiple reasons, but I do feel that over time I am "getting used" to them, which is the purpose of the whole process. My most recent recording has been the worst of the five I have so far. We have taken brakes between recordings 3 and 4, and between 4 and 5. These brakes have been sooooo fucking needed. Especially since there are a million other things that I have needed to discuss with the Doc. Back to the last recording: this last recording has been the worst thing I think I have ever had to listen to or pay attention to. There have been listening sessions where I have had to turn the damn thing off, or find something to distract myself while "listening." The reason(s) for this is becuase of what is on the recording.
This particular recording was supposed to be me reading off a paper the "worst and primary" memories from my first CST. I was able to read rather quickly through the list, and to be more embarrassed than affected...until the doc asked me to expound on my feelings. This led to me explaining exact things that happened and how I felt. This is of course where a SHITLOAD of guilt and pain came out.
Got to stop here to deal with some other stuff...
Pluck-ing, FOLD-ing, and thinking
I have been in therapy through the VA for 18 months. I would never say it's been fun...but it has been definitely helpful. The therapies I have been working on or gone through are Prolonged Exposure and Cognitive Processing, in addition to the world's best group (I actually refused for almost a year to do ANY group based therapy or discussions...not of fan of crowds or small rooms for some reason. haha).
Anyway, the reason this post is about some of the things I have learned and how I am trying to push forward, be better, AND figure out who the hell I am anymore. Not all of the lesson's I have learned have been based upon some strict protocol. Nor have they all been based upon what the Doc or others say.
PLUCK
Probably the funniest thing to me, and actually one of the best, most helpful things is: "Pluck." Funny word, I know and if anyone actually ever read this, they'd probably be laughing so hard right now...NOT. Seriously though, PLUCK has been on the most helpful things I have learned and it was one of those tools that just "appeared" one day, at least to me. Those with PTSD tend to have a lot of what is called "Stuck Points." Additionally, they tend to have multiple patterns of "Problematic Thinking." These two are related.
One of my biggest stuck points is: I deserve(d) it. One of the biggest patterns of problematic thinking that brought me this stuck point is that of: mindreading. See...I have this uncanny ability to know what anyone is thinking about me. I "know" when someone thinks I am an idiot, or annoying, or being a bitch, or being wimpy, girly, stupid, or just plain fucking retarted. I even "know" this when it's not even true. During one session, I think my Doc was so annoyed with this ability that she thought of a way for me to slow down and stop "deciding" I know what she or anyone is thinking: PLUCK.
Still confused? Pluck means to take that negative, self-hating, mind-reading thought and to "pluck" it out of my brain. It means that when I am trying to talk and I think whoever listening is thinking shitty thoughts about me, that I just need to pluck that out of my head, ignoring it in reality, and just move forward. PLUCK...one hell of a therapeutic word.
FOLD actually stands for:
Feminist
Out of my league
Lesbian
Democrat
...or...someone I would know better than to try to have a crush on or to be attracted to. I mean, who REALLY wants to (other than LL Bean subscribers) be attracted or date or think about a feminist or Democrat...seriously!
In any event, there is a lesson here: if you are a crazy person like me and have the world's hottest Doc (which I guess would mean you live by me)...use FOLD over and over again so that you can focus on what you NEED to focus on. It has worked exceptionally well for me, even though I think for some time that I did have a pretty severe crush (?) for a little while...ok...maybe a medium while. But, I have stuck with "FOLD" and remember I am married, and remember that most, like the Doc, or just too damn good for me (deserve better than me)...hell, my wife deserves better.
I was going to add some other things to this post, but I am actually thinking about trying to get some damn sleep. This week has been long and sleep has been so shitty when I have been able to go to bed...I wonder if trying to sleep is even worth it at all.
I will add this:
Where am I at today/tonight?
I am SOOO tired! Tired of being tired, tired of physical, mental, and emotional pain! Tired of the jackass drivers where I live and the retards that seem to be free to do whatever they want. Tired of the fucking dreams/nightmares. Tired of still feeling like I have a LONG way to go in therapy. Tired of questioning my own beliefs and morals on a daily basis. Tired of wondering if my prozac needs to be increased...or just my Scotch intake (actually, I think it's been six months since I've had any liqour). Tired of thinking about the horrible memories, the dead, the dismembered, the raped, rapists. Tired of NOT knowing who the FUCK I am!!!!!
However, I am happy about a some things too...as happy as I can get anyway. Actually, that's not entirely a true statement. I was, and still am, very excited for Shane (see earlier posts) that he's out of jail. Some financial and career things have gone very well too, so I am kind of happy about that as well...although it is hard to really be happy about anything I do I guess.?????
Anyway, the reason this post is about some of the things I have learned and how I am trying to push forward, be better, AND figure out who the hell I am anymore. Not all of the lesson's I have learned have been based upon some strict protocol. Nor have they all been based upon what the Doc or others say.
PLUCK
Probably the funniest thing to me, and actually one of the best, most helpful things is: "Pluck." Funny word, I know and if anyone actually ever read this, they'd probably be laughing so hard right now...NOT. Seriously though, PLUCK has been on the most helpful things I have learned and it was one of those tools that just "appeared" one day, at least to me. Those with PTSD tend to have a lot of what is called "Stuck Points." Additionally, they tend to have multiple patterns of "Problematic Thinking." These two are related.
One of my biggest stuck points is: I deserve(d) it. One of the biggest patterns of problematic thinking that brought me this stuck point is that of: mindreading. See...I have this uncanny ability to know what anyone is thinking about me. I "know" when someone thinks I am an idiot, or annoying, or being a bitch, or being wimpy, girly, stupid, or just plain fucking retarted. I even "know" this when it's not even true. During one session, I think my Doc was so annoyed with this ability that she thought of a way for me to slow down and stop "deciding" I know what she or anyone is thinking: PLUCK.
Still confused? Pluck means to take that negative, self-hating, mind-reading thought and to "pluck" it out of my brain. It means that when I am trying to talk and I think whoever listening is thinking shitty thoughts about me, that I just need to pluck that out of my head, ignoring it in reality, and just move forward. PLUCK...one hell of a therapeutic word.
FOLD
Now, this is a fun one too. And it's one that I made up! Yah for my dumbass self (PLUCK :-) ).FOLD actually stands for:
Feminist
Out of my league
Lesbian
Democrat
...or...someone I would know better than to try to have a crush on or to be attracted to. I mean, who REALLY wants to (other than LL Bean subscribers) be attracted or date or think about a feminist or Democrat...seriously!
In any event, there is a lesson here: if you are a crazy person like me and have the world's hottest Doc (which I guess would mean you live by me)...use FOLD over and over again so that you can focus on what you NEED to focus on. It has worked exceptionally well for me, even though I think for some time that I did have a pretty severe crush (?) for a little while...ok...maybe a medium while. But, I have stuck with "FOLD" and remember I am married, and remember that most, like the Doc, or just too damn good for me (deserve better than me)...hell, my wife deserves better.
I was going to add some other things to this post, but I am actually thinking about trying to get some damn sleep. This week has been long and sleep has been so shitty when I have been able to go to bed...I wonder if trying to sleep is even worth it at all.
I will add this:
Where am I at today/tonight?
I am SOOO tired! Tired of being tired, tired of physical, mental, and emotional pain! Tired of the jackass drivers where I live and the retards that seem to be free to do whatever they want. Tired of the fucking dreams/nightmares. Tired of still feeling like I have a LONG way to go in therapy. Tired of questioning my own beliefs and morals on a daily basis. Tired of wondering if my prozac needs to be increased...or just my Scotch intake (actually, I think it's been six months since I've had any liqour). Tired of thinking about the horrible memories, the dead, the dismembered, the raped, rapists. Tired of NOT knowing who the FUCK I am!!!!!
However, I am happy about a some things too...as happy as I can get anyway. Actually, that's not entirely a true statement. I was, and still am, very excited for Shane (see earlier posts) that he's out of jail. Some financial and career things have gone very well too, so I am kind of happy about that as well...although it is hard to really be happy about anything I do I guess.?????
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Pushing Up (Away???)
Seems like I have an undeniable knack for pissing people off and pushing them away. I think it is just that the most recent round of therapy, the Prolonged Exposure dealing with the CSTA, has been so damn painful and strong.
After the LONG CPT therapy dealing with the primary and a secondary incident from Iraq, I really started to feel good about myself, for the first time in years. However, that didn't last that long as the Doc moved me pretty quickly into addressing the CSTA. Her reasoning was sound: the CSTAwas so deep, old, and strong, that it affected everything else, AS WELL AS making me more prone to PTSD with subsequent traumas, such as those in Iraq.
I don't recall what all I wrote in my previous post, so I hope I am not just re-hashing, but there are a ton of things bothering me and the fact that I really don't know, or feel like, the REAL me...is scary. Sometimes it's as if someone else is talking or making the movements.
The other part of that is that I sometimes feel as though my life is fake. That I would be better off on my own because people like me don't have strong families, or happy families. Sometimes I HONESTLY just want to be on my own, or to at least start over. Although I love my wife and kids tremendously, sometimes it's as if I "just know" I will be better if I leave...if I am on my own. It's as if by leaving, I would be erasing 100% of my past...which I know is a bullshit cop-out...but it still feels that way and weighs heavy on my mind A LOT.
After the LONG CPT therapy dealing with the primary and a secondary incident from Iraq, I really started to feel good about myself, for the first time in years. However, that didn't last that long as the Doc moved me pretty quickly into addressing the CS
I don't recall what all I wrote in my previous post, so I hope I am not just re-hashing, but there are a ton of things bothering me and the fact that I really don't know, or feel like, the REAL me...is scary. Sometimes it's as if someone else is talking or making the movements.
The other part of that is that I sometimes feel as though my life is fake. That I would be better off on my own because people like me don't have strong families, or happy families. Sometimes I HONESTLY just want to be on my own, or to at least start over. Although I love my wife and kids tremendously, sometimes it's as if I "just know" I will be better if I leave...if I am on my own. It's as if by leaving, I would be erasing 100% of my past...which I know is a bullshit cop-out...but it still feels that way and weighs heavy on my mind A LOT.
Who Am I???? WTF????
Original post edited for multiple reasons.
I think one of the biggest things that I struggle with right now is: Who the FUCK am I????? I don't seem to know any more. Compounding the issues releated to PTSD is the fact that I apparently have some of the signs of being Bi-Polar and my grandmother had alzhiemers. Seems as though brain problems run in the family!
< Had a really good talk with the Doc about this at my last appointment. Learned a few important things that don't make me feel so worried about possible mental deterioration:
1. I am past the age where I need to worry about schizophrenia
2. My mother being Bi-Polar doesn't mean I will be/I am...it's NOT genetic
<>
But, who am I???Who the hell is this person I have become, am becoming still? I used to have a pretty good cockiness about me and not be afraid of anything or anyone. I was never a "ladies" man, but I never had to go long without getting laid...and had some HILARIOUS stories along the way...like the one about how a pussy[cat] ruined my chances of getting...welll you know...from this really beautiful college girl. But I digress...I was strong, not emotional, and DECISIVE!!! And I NEVER looked back (excpet for the rough divorce I had many moons ago).
Who have I become:
1) I seem to be afaid of my own shadow, most loud noises, QUIT, solititude, and crowds!!!
2) I don't know what I like most of the time, other than the shit I have been eating or doing for years
3) I would (A LOT of the time) rather not have sex with my wife. Not because of her because I do find her sexy and a lot of fun. More because of the errors in my brain.
4) When I do have sex with my wife, it's always great. However, I am either overly aggressive (no...not beating her) or way too emotional (to the point that I want to "crawl" inside her entire being.
5) I second-guess EVERYTHING ANYONE says, especially those who are my friends, family, people I love, or people I just care about. By second-guessing EVERYTHING, I mean EVERY LAST FUCKING THING. For example, a text I received the other day (on a day full of some incredible news) ended with "Bye now." The conversation was fairly innocent, dealing soley with the aforementioned good news of a friend. I had already sent "TTYL"...but "Bye now" has bugged me ever since. I think it has to do more with projections and mind-reading, but I am also 100% certain that I do in fact bug the person that I was texting with.
6) My focus is shot! I have been called a bulldog becuase I will track shit down to the end. And I can still do this, but ONLY with a higher purpose than normal, AND with someone else either right there, or just egging me on. My school homework is a GREAT example. I have a TON of shit due this week. However, instead of using even 70% of the abundant free time I have actually had in the last four days, I have wasted most of that time looking at old grindhouse movies (you know, the horror ones, AND the basically/literally X-rated ones). Chastising myself over and over and over again has not helped. Even tonight, with something due an hour ago...there I was, downloading grindhouse movies...and the assignment is now late.
7) My memory....this scares me the most. I have the hardest time with my short term memory even now. I have to try to make some association immediately to whatever it is I am trying to remember. However, I can recall what chics where wearing when I first met them. Now I can't seem to go a day without having to stop over 50% of my conversations and TRY to remember what the FUCK I was just saying!!! To make matters WAY worse, I have recently remembered things that honestly make no sense that I ever forgot. For instance, I recalled last week that a few years ago, when the PTSD symptons really started hitting me, that I had a solid and painless plan to end my life. It was just dumb-fucking luck that my wife wasn't going to be home as intended....I was too guilty to leave little kids alone with a dead dad in the house. Seriously, how the fuck could I have ever forgotten that!!!! That's like forgetting that you did things you shouldn't have ever done!!! (which I have also done). How many other things have a I forgotten??????????????
Overall, I believe in the therapy process, and I believe in my Doc. Quite frankly, although I am convinced that she erronously thinks (and worries) I view things on a romantic/cruch/sexual level with her sometimes, she really is like the best or second best friend I have....just too bad that we (the wife and I) can't ever have her over due to stupid VA ethics. I digress again though. My faith and trust in both the Doc and the Process is why I have stuck this shit out the last 18 mos. Seems like other veterans, who definitely had worse experiences, seem to be able to move on quicker, which is what really frustrates me. I know that a lot of it is the fact that the new stuff we are working on is the childhood sexual trauma, so it would not be too far fetched that my brain is just reminding me of other trauma's that had/have the SHAME/GUILT/PAIN/ABUSE tags attached, and intermingling these events.
In any event, I am just ranting tonight. Very tired and stressed and in a LOT of pain. I hope to have a session this week, as I think I need it, but we'll see what the future holds for that one. Basically, I just miss the old me.
Another thing I wanted to write about, and I will have to do it later, is: Chasing the Numb Feeling. It's a miracle that alcohol and prescirption drugs haven't killed me yet, nor has speed or my mouth. BUT I do just wish I could be numb. I have been unable to cry so I have not been able to emotionally dump a lot of baggage. But I will go into this one more at a later date!
I think one of the biggest things that I struggle with right now is: Who the FUCK am I????? I don't seem to know any more. Compounding the issues releated to PTSD is the fact that I apparently have some of the signs of being Bi-Polar and my grandmother had alzhiemers. Seems as though brain problems run in the family!
<
1. I am past the age where I need to worry about schizophrenia
2. My mother being Bi-Polar doesn't mean I will be/I am...it's NOT genetic
<
But, who am I???Who the hell is this person I have become, am becoming still? I used to have a pretty good cockiness about me and not be afraid of anything or anyone. I was never a "ladies" man, but I never had to go long without getting laid...and had some HILARIOUS stories along the way...like the one about how a pussy[cat] ruined my chances of getting...welll you know...from this really beautiful college girl. But I digress...I was strong, not emotional, and DECISIVE!!! And I NEVER looked back (excpet for the rough divorce I had many moons ago).
Who have I become:
1) I seem to be afaid of my own shadow, most loud noises, QUIT, solititude, and crowds!!!
2) I don't know what I like most of the time, other than the shit I have been eating or doing for years
3) I would (A LOT of the time) rather not have sex with my wife. Not because of her because I do find her sexy and a lot of fun. More because of the errors in my brain.
4) When I do have sex with my wife, it's always great. However, I am either overly aggressive (no...not beating her) or way too emotional (to the point that I want to "crawl" inside her entire being.
5) I second-guess EVERYTHING ANYONE says, especially those who are my friends, family, people I love, or people I just care about. By second-guessing EVERYTHING, I mean EVERY LAST FUCKING THING. For example, a text I received the other day (on a day full of some incredible news) ended with "Bye now." The conversation was fairly innocent, dealing soley with the aforementioned good news of a friend. I had already sent "TTYL"...but "Bye now" has bugged me ever since. I think it has to do more with projections and mind-reading, but I am also 100% certain that I do in fact bug the person that I was texting with.
6) My focus is shot! I have been called a bulldog becuase I will track shit down to the end. And I can still do this, but ONLY with a higher purpose than normal, AND with someone else either right there, or just egging me on. My school homework is a GREAT example. I have a TON of shit due this week. However, instead of using even 70% of the abundant free time I have actually had in the last four days, I have wasted most of that time looking at old grindhouse movies (you know, the horror ones, AND the basically/literally X-rated ones). Chastising myself over and over and over again has not helped. Even tonight, with something due an hour ago...there I was, downloading grindhouse movies...and the assignment is now late.
7) My memory....this scares me the most. I have the hardest time with my short term memory even now. I have to try to make some association immediately to whatever it is I am trying to remember. However, I can recall what chics where wearing when I first met them. Now I can't seem to go a day without having to stop over 50% of my conversations and TRY to remember what the FUCK I was just saying!!! To make matters WAY worse, I have recently remembered things that honestly make no sense that I ever forgot. For instance, I recalled last week that a few years ago, when the PTSD symptons really started hitting me, that I had a solid and painless plan to end my life. It was just dumb-fucking luck that my wife wasn't going to be home as intended....I was too guilty to leave little kids alone with a dead dad in the house. Seriously, how the fuck could I have ever forgotten that!!!! That's like forgetting that you did things you shouldn't have ever done!!! (which I have also done). How many other things have a I forgotten??????????????
Overall, I believe in the therapy process, and I believe in my Doc. Quite frankly, although I am convinced that she erronously thinks (and worries) I view things on a romantic/cruch/sexual level with her sometimes, she really is like the best or second best friend I have....just too bad that we (the wife and I) can't ever have her over due to stupid VA ethics. I digress again though. My faith and trust in both the Doc and the Process is why I have stuck this shit out the last 18 mos. Seems like other veterans, who definitely had worse experiences, seem to be able to move on quicker, which is what really frustrates me. I know that a lot of it is the fact that the new stuff we are working on is the childhood sexual trauma, so it would not be too far fetched that my brain is just reminding me of other trauma's that had/have the SHAME/GUILT/PAIN/ABUSE tags attached, and intermingling these events.
In any event, I am just ranting tonight. Very tired and stressed and in a LOT of pain. I hope to have a session this week, as I think I need it, but we'll see what the future holds for that one. Basically, I just miss the old me.
Another thing I wanted to write about, and I will have to do it later, is: Chasing the Numb Feeling. It's a miracle that alcohol and prescirption drugs haven't killed me yet, nor has speed or my mouth. BUT I do just wish I could be numb. I have been unable to cry so I have not been able to emotionally dump a lot of baggage. But I will go into this one more at a later date!
Friday, May 27, 2011
Shane is FINALLY HOME!!!!
In my earlier post today I referenced a veteran by the name of Shane. Shane's story is a rough one and it details a decorated combat vet (and HERO) dealing with PTSD as well as the painful life experiences. The short of it is that Shane went through a shitload of crap in Iraq, and came home to a wife that didn't/couldn't provide the support AND patience that he needed. She ended up seeing a "family friend" and it just got bad from there.
It is important to note that while Shane made some mistakes, some even stupid, he was always willing to accept his own culpability. In fact, he accepted more than his own and took the wait of the world on his shoulders. Shane apparently has [a lot of] the same stuckpoints as most of us other crazy war vets: guilt over things done, guilt over things not done, survivors guilt, etc. Shane hit rock bottom and if it wasn't for those who cared about him and wanted to help, as well as some divine intervention, he would either be dead, or railroaded by a local corrupt law enforcement establishment!.
Shane's most recent stories, and the news of his release after almost 60 (SIXTY) days in isolation are here:
Excellent story by Moni Basu from CNN.com.
War At Home: Part 1 (by Moni Basu, CNN.com)
War At Home: Part 2 (by Moni Basu, CNN.com)
War At Home: Part 3 (by Moni Basu, CNN.com)
Randy Travis of Altanta's Fox 5 News:
News of Shane's release from Jail
Facebook Page Supporting Shane:
Facebook: I SUPPORT SHANE PARHAM
It is important to note that while Shane made some mistakes, some even stupid, he was always willing to accept his own culpability. In fact, he accepted more than his own and took the wait of the world on his shoulders. Shane apparently has [a lot of] the same stuckpoints as most of us other crazy war vets: guilt over things done, guilt over things not done, survivors guilt, etc. Shane hit rock bottom and if it wasn't for those who cared about him and wanted to help, as well as some divine intervention, he would either be dead, or railroaded by a local corrupt law enforcement establishment!.
Shane's most recent stories, and the news of his release after almost 60 (SIXTY) days in isolation are here:
Excellent story by Moni Basu from CNN.com.
War At Home: Part 1 (by Moni Basu, CNN.com)
War At Home: Part 2 (by Moni Basu, CNN.com)
War At Home: Part 3 (by Moni Basu, CNN.com)
Randy Travis of Altanta's Fox 5 News:
News of Shane's release from Jail
Facebook Page Supporting Shane:
Facebook: I SUPPORT SHANE PARHAM
Trust your Doc and Trust the Process...or don't even bother starting!
So this will probably be the last email set that I throw up on here for a bit. I think this grouping shows that it is REALLY important to be able to have faith AND trust in both your doctor AND the process. If not, you are only going to get yourself in more pain. This doesn't mean someone should stop seeking help...just to make sure you find the right doc and process first. Otherwise, you may permanently end up like I have been feeling recently:
- Stuck between running forward into a glass wall, or running backwards to a cliff. :-(
From: Me
To: The Doc
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2011 5:02:56 PM
Subject: RE: two questions for this week (apr 21, 2011)
- Stuck between running forward into a glass wall, or running backwards to a cliff. :-(
From: Me
To: The Doc
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2011 5:02:56 PM
Subject: RE: two questions for this week (apr 21, 2011)
Ok…got it…AND we can discuss it in session, or not, I guess.
IF I don't make it clear, I do trust you, otherwise I wouldn't be doing this…would've quite back when the CPT stuff got miserably hard. I get that I need to practice A LOT of different skills. I would like to say: for MOST of my life, I don't recall ever really having any emotions other than anger or adrenaline-rushes…until everything from Iraq and this other stuff started messing me up. So I think that when I'm looking for reassurance from anyone, including you, it really is because I am feeling THAT WORTHLESS (empty???). I think it's even more than reassurance…validation or appreciation or something else? I do only send you something when I REALLY feel like I have to because I honestly and sincerely don't want to be a pain any more than I already am. Trying very hard all day, EVERY day, to NOT focus on future events…something very hard for me…I can only say that I'm honestly just plain scared and ashamed and miserable. Again, it's not a lack of trust or faith in you or the process and I am VERY sorry to have bugged you again…I really do picture you saying something like "oh great, another da*n email from dw."
dw
From: The Doc
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2011 4:19 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: two questions for this week (apr 21, 2011)
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2011 4:19 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: two questions for this week (apr 21, 2011)
Hat off. Just try to trust me.
And don't worry/ruminate about what hasn't happened yet. That does nothing but increase your anxiety level. You simply do exactly what you are asked to do one day at a time. When you are finished doing what you are asked to do, you do everything you can to let it go and not worry about it until it's time to do the next thing. RE-READ your PE Patient workbook for refresher on why we're doing it, where we're going, what's the point etc. Write down any questions you have and bring them to session for us to address then. If at any point I ask you to do something you aren't ready for, you simply say that. You will not be forced into anything. So try not to worry and just take it one step at a time.
And please save these kinds of questions for session (we can take first 5-10 minutes to address them). They're really not "emergency" type questions. I really want you to practice tolerating distress/uncertainty without frequent reassurance. This is not to "get you off my back" but because it is a skill you need to practice—to help you learn to "self-soothe" as we say. It truly is hugely important. We can talk about this more in session if necessary.
YOU.ARE.DOING.GREAT. Kepp practicing "LETTING GO" during hours when you are NOT supposed to be working on this trauma.
From: Me
Sent: Monday, April 18, 2011 10:27 PM
To: The Doc
Subject: two questions for this week (apr 21, 2011)
Sent: Monday, April 18, 2011 10:27 PM
To: The Doc
Subject: two questions for this week (apr 21, 2011)
Doc,
Scared of this week…you commented on having to do multiple sessions to get through a hotspot. Does that mean I have to redo what I did this last session, or push forward? Quite frankly, the thought of the latter is nerve racking, to put it rather mildly. Maybe you shouldn't tell me…'cause I'm not sure I want to know…but then again, I really want to know.
Is my wearing a hat open for discussion? I think I did a little better…at least more scared/ashamed than the level of anger I felt Friday, and even somewhat tonight. I'm going to do what you say, but I am hoping there's some wiggle room?? Maybe a visual "check-in" point but the hat can stay? I know you have way bigger things to worry about, but I really do need to know what to expect on this one.
I guess either way it's your call on both since you're the doc (and I guess you still rock) and I'm the guy wearing pink tutus like its cool the last few weeks.
dw
PE Homework HELL
Email to the Doc after first PE Homework...painful!
From: Me
To: The Doc
Sent: Tuesday, March 22, 2011 10:12:18 PM
Subject: HW H-E double L
Subject: HW H-E double L
Doc,
Tonight was the first night that I was able to do the homework….I am kind of shaky from it which really sucks even if I rate my suds now lower than my peak.
I didn't do it yesterday because when I was taking my dad to lunch…my dumb luck, he mentions some people involved in this crud and he was extolling their virtue!...had me out of shape ALL day. I expect this stuff to be as hard as the CPT stuff, if just different causes, but it was so hard not to flinch at everything I heard myself saying.
I'll see how it goes tomorrow, but I am VERY worried about continuing down this path and remembering too much or just plain cracking. I re-heard what you said about the only benefit gained is if I go through the whole memory…but what if I remember is painful….is there a line? some catch-all? I know you're busy, so no response needed and we can discuss this in session (if it's ok) after you yell at me for being an friggin idiot. My only real point in writing this (and seriously no, the email is really not meant as an annoying payback for last week's session) is that I would like to ask for a little warning before the next session if you plan to push me to go deeper. I really am SCARED Doc, and not just of the sessions…like over my shoulder scared in multiple ways if that makes any dang sense! I do have about 500000 thoughts, questions, fears, ramblings, and epitomes that have been coming to me about ALL of this since last session. I am trying to write them all down when I can, but there is no way we'd get through them. I guess I am rambling here. You still Rock, Doc, even if I do question my sanity in agreeing to go through this.
dw
Sometimes Group REALLY does make you THINK!
Email after a group session. :-)
From: Me
To: The Doc
Sent: Wednesday, February 9, 2011 9:56:07 AM
Subject: Thoughts on yesterday
Sent: Wednesday, February 9, 2011 9:56:07 AM
Subject: Thoughts on yesterday
Doc,
Just FYI because it's bugging the crap outta me. I thought about your letter idea...which I think is good and I'll do that from now on...but then I realized if I didn't tell you this before the next appointment, it could make my life more painful. I feel like a I got some "off my chest" yesterday...but I feel a weird kind of scared too, which is hard to admit. It's not a trust issue, the opposite in fact. Yesterday for some reason I was really scared you were going to go too deep into the original not pulling the trigger incident in Iraq that screwed me up that day in group, which was weird because we worked through (I think, thought?) the original incident. THEN, I got really SCARED that you were going to ask questions that I really didn't (don't ever?) want to answer about the other stuff. The realization is: if you ask, I am (eventually) going to answer you. That in itself is frightening. But it's not just the answers that worry me (or their analysis/reaction?), but the worry of "saying too much"...like too many details. Then I think maybe I'll start remembering even worse stuff or that once I start talking I won't shut up or that this whole process is going to be the final thing that breaks me emotionally. Not sure if any of this makes sense cuz not a lot is right now so I'll quit rambling.
Sorry to bug you. You Rock, Doc!
Just FYI because it's bugging the crap outta me. I thought about your letter idea...which I think is good and I'll do that from now on...but then I realized if I didn't tell you this before the next appointment, it could make my life more painful. I feel like a I got some "off my chest" yesterday...but I feel a weird kind of scared too, which is hard to admit. It's not a trust issue, the opposite in fact. Yesterday for some reason I was really scared you were going to go too deep into the original not pulling the trigger incident in Iraq that screwed me up that day in group, which was weird because we worked through (I think, thought?) the original incident. THEN, I got really SCARED that you were going to ask questions that I really didn't (don't ever?) want to answer about the other stuff. The realization is: if you ask, I am (eventually) going to answer you. That in itself is frightening. But it's not just the answers that worry me (or their analysis/reaction?), but the worry of "saying too much"...like too many details. Then I think maybe I'll start remembering even worse stuff or that once I start talking I won't shut up or that this whole process is going to be the final thing that breaks me emotionally. Not sure if any of this makes sense cuz not a lot is right now so I'll quit rambling.
Sorry to bug you. You Rock, Doc!
(NOT) Being Able to Cry
Not being able to cry, when you just "FEEL" like you MUST...sucks. Especially after months of being willing to. The only time I had, mentioned in the below email I sent to the Doc, as "one crazy night" was a night that I was stone-cold drunk off of my ass and got triggered about th PX and ALL of my guilt came flooding in. BAD NIGHT that was!!!
From: Me
To: The Doc
Sent: Tuesday, November 9, 2010 5:56:39 PM
Subject: Emotional question
Doc,
I was thinking yesterday and today about something and wanted to ask.
Should I worry that I really haven't been able to let go of my emotions yet...except for one crazy night?
You kept telling me to, but even Monday I was holding it all back when I was re-reading the sheet on the kid and again when we were talking about it.
Subject: Emotional question
Doc,
I was thinking yesterday and today about something and wanted to ask.
Should I worry that I really haven't been able to let go of my emotions yet...except for one crazy night?
You kept telling me to, but even Monday I was holding it all back when I was re-reading the sheet on the kid and again when we were talking about it.
Long overdue Check-In
So it's been like seven months since I have remembered, or found time, to post anything on here. However, I have been doing a LOT of writing in journal that my doc has had me start using. I think I will start working on transferring that chicken scratch to this place so I can get rid of the hard copies at home.
Where I am at since my last post:
Things have been a lot better since last November. I did a lot of work through CPT with the Doc regarding the trauma from Iraq.
...Then I started a modified form of PE with the Doc regarding what she had termed CSA(Childhood Sexual Abuse). This has actually been much, much more painful AND difficult than the work on the Iraq trauma.
There have been some seriously strange side-effects of this therapy, for lack of a better term.
- Really bad dreams, some which are an inter-mingling of Iraq and one of the three separate CSAincidents.
- The realization that I hate myself almost 24/7 for the guilt that I carry from both Iraq trauma and some of the particular CSA.
- The remembrance of the some of the most painful (emotional AND physical) memories of my life
- The remembrance of a time when I had actually planned, and (the part I didn't tell the Doc) started to carry out my suicide. (I got lucky that I passed out before doing anything irreversible, even if I passed out only because I was waiting for my wife to come home so I could "finish" it)
It is so strange, and very fucking frustrating to me that I have these memories of major events or decisions in my life, and that I have apparently gotten exceptionally good and pushing these fuckers so deep I forget about them until some unknown trigger brings them back.
Some GREAT News:
my friend Shane is out of Jail after a long stay on some bullshit charges from a crackhead DA and an estranged spouse. But, he's home with probation only on misdemeanors as the new DA dropped/reduced the felony charges!!!!
WELCOME HOME BROTHER!
Where I am at since my last post:
Things have been a lot better since last November. I did a lot of work through CPT with the Doc regarding the trauma from Iraq.
...Then I started a modified form of PE with the Doc regarding what she had termed CSA(Childhood Sexual Abuse). This has actually been much, much more painful AND difficult than the work on the Iraq trauma.
There have been some seriously strange side-effects of this therapy, for lack of a better term.
- Really bad dreams, some which are an inter-mingling of Iraq and one of the three separate CSAincidents.
- The realization that I hate myself almost 24/7 for the guilt that I carry from both Iraq trauma and some of the particular CSA.
- The remembrance of the some of the most painful (emotional AND physical) memories of my life
- The remembrance of a time when I had actually planned, and (the part I didn't tell the Doc) started to carry out my suicide. (I got lucky that I passed out before doing anything irreversible, even if I passed out only because I was waiting for my wife to come home so I could "finish" it)
It is so strange, and very fucking frustrating to me that I have these memories of major events or decisions in my life, and that I have apparently gotten exceptionally good and pushing these fuckers so deep I forget about them until some unknown trigger brings them back.
Some GREAT News:
my friend Shane is out of Jail after a long stay on some bullshit charges from a crackhead DA and an estranged spouse. But, he's home with probation only on misdemeanors as the new DA dropped/reduced the felony charges!!!!
WELCOME HOME BROTHER!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
My Doc Rocks
I think, even though I haven't posted much, that I should post about my Doc.
Doc is my doctor, and ROCKS!!! The shame of it is, she is probably one of three people worth anything here at the local VA. However, she is worth a lot! She is like that friend that just WILL NOT take your crap on ANY day...except she's the Doc and not you're friend!
It doesn't matter my mood when I walk in her office, I leave feeling like a ton of bricks has been removed from my back...even if she had me on the verge of crying in her office. This whole Cognitive Processing Therapy has been painful, but without Doc, I am certain that I would NEVER have stuck it out this long. Given some of the stupid shit I have done, even since therapy started, I am lucky to have Doc helping me.
Thing is, I didn't WANT to do therapy or see anyone. Then, I didn't want to see a female doctor. Unfortunately, I got STUCK with both. However, it has worked out well so far. It didn't help at first that she was HOT...but then I just convinced myself that was a lesbian, :-) which helped me quickly get past that fact.
So, I may not be perfect...or even 100% fixed. I am better because of Doc and will owe my life to her, whether she knows it or not! She may consider me a patient, but to me she is a friend. So for anyone doubting the value of the "Shrink,"...get off your ass and go see one...NOW!!!
Doc is my doctor, and ROCKS!!! The shame of it is, she is probably one of three people worth anything here at the local VA. However, she is worth a lot! She is like that friend that just WILL NOT take your crap on ANY day...except she's the Doc and not you're friend!
It doesn't matter my mood when I walk in her office, I leave feeling like a ton of bricks has been removed from my back...even if she had me on the verge of crying in her office. This whole Cognitive Processing Therapy has been painful, but without Doc, I am certain that I would NEVER have stuck it out this long. Given some of the stupid shit I have done, even since therapy started, I am lucky to have Doc helping me.
Thing is, I didn't WANT to do therapy or see anyone. Then, I didn't want to see a female doctor. Unfortunately, I got STUCK with both. However, it has worked out well so far. It didn't help at first that she was HOT...but then I just convinced myself that was a lesbian, :-) which helped me quickly get past that fact.
So, I may not be perfect...or even 100% fixed. I am better because of Doc and will owe my life to her, whether she knows it or not! She may consider me a patient, but to me she is a friend. So for anyone doubting the value of the "Shrink,"...get off your ass and go see one...NOW!!!
Veteran's Day
Holy Crap Man! I let my shrink talk me into going to the Veteran's Day Parade here! It was probably good for my kids to be there...but not so good for me to be there!
To start things off, the "Marshall" of the parade was my Brigade Commander from when I was in Iraq! Not really a big deal you say? Maybe...except I seriously associate this guy with the memory of one PX exploding and with the fact that our unit just didn't take care of it's Soldiers...not sure if that was a Battalion thing or a Brigade thing, but the Company blamed him. Either way, him leading the parade was nothing but a trigger for my memories of Iraq.
Then...of all the damn things you could do at a Veteran's Parade...the friggin Fire Trucks had to run their sirens...somewhat reminiscent of the siren sound for incoming.
Unfortunately I let all this crap run my head, my emotions, my being. I spent the rest of the day in and out of hell, made a bunch of smartass comments to my shrink (and I think she is now OFFICIALLY annoyed with me, permanently), and just hated life the whole day!
My doc reminded me on Friday about breathing, mindfulness...and just not going down the F'ing rabbit hole. She was right, but the day before sucked. The therapy has been helping, but I failed to apply ANYTHING I learned and I suffered for it all day!
On another note: after at least a year of fighting it, I agreed to try an anti-depressant. That was a great idea! Actually, I owe that one to the Doc too. She told me she couldn't believe I made it this long without it, and with all of the other things she has been right about, I decided to try it. WOW...what a change!!!
To start things off, the "Marshall" of the parade was my Brigade Commander from when I was in Iraq! Not really a big deal you say? Maybe...except I seriously associate this guy with the memory of one PX exploding and with the fact that our unit just didn't take care of it's Soldiers...not sure if that was a Battalion thing or a Brigade thing, but the Company blamed him. Either way, him leading the parade was nothing but a trigger for my memories of Iraq.
Then...of all the damn things you could do at a Veteran's Parade...the friggin Fire Trucks had to run their sirens...somewhat reminiscent of the siren sound for incoming.
Unfortunately I let all this crap run my head, my emotions, my being. I spent the rest of the day in and out of hell, made a bunch of smartass comments to my shrink (and I think she is now OFFICIALLY annoyed with me, permanently), and just hated life the whole day!
My doc reminded me on Friday about breathing, mindfulness...and just not going down the F'ing rabbit hole. She was right, but the day before sucked. The therapy has been helping, but I failed to apply ANYTHING I learned and I suffered for it all day!
On another note: after at least a year of fighting it, I agreed to try an anti-depressant. That was a great idea! Actually, I owe that one to the Doc too. She told me she couldn't believe I made it this long without it, and with all of the other things she has been right about, I decided to try it. WOW...what a change!!!
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