But only when I remember to actually do it! I have been on such a roller coaster the last year and sometimes I wonder that I haven't lost my last nerve or marble...or worse, if I am being honest.
Recently...the last few months, anyway...I have been having the worst damn luck picking movies or tv shows to watch. Seems like 2 or 3 times a week I watch something that reminds me of either the fuckers who abused me or the shit from Iraq. Sometimes I wonder though, what if I went to Iraq, or even Afghanistan, as a contractor??? Would it help me face that finally and once and for all? Or would it make it worse? What about the people who used me and the other kids as sex dolls? I know I could find some of them. Should I? Should I hunt them down and shove a shotgun into them?
This is what kills me...or at least consumes my thoughts perpetually (when I am not practicing the tools I learned in therapy): some does it doesn't take much. I have an injury that bothers me a lot, and it's permanent. But, some days, all it takes is a couple of shooting pains from the injury and my train of thought starts to wander into the dark abyss of my soul, of my past, of my future?
It does get better...even if I don't sound like it now. I AM better than I was. I am just not done yet!
