For maybe the last three weeks I have just felt lost. I STILL feel like I have made a lot of progress over the last two years, and I really feel like my little "breakthrough" 6-7 weeks ago with being able to say outloud some of what had happened to me, that that has really helped me feel better about me.
But in the last few weeks I still seem to be sorely on edge, not sleeping well, and having a LOT of nightmares. I had actually felt good about having not had to call the doc during a three week span between appointments. However, she missed last Friday's due to a medical thing, then again the reschedule this past Tuesday, and I missed group today...even though I doubt it even happened. Now I am kinda wishing I would have bugged her in the last week, even though she's apparently pretty sick. Had I bothered her, I would have felt really guilty about that AND felt like I was weak. Quite frankly, I don't even know that I "need" to bother her so much as I feel like I just need someone to bounce my crazy shit off for a few minutes. I don't feel like running it by the wife and I still don't really have anyone else I can talk with. I guess I just feel like shit.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Almost Cried like a baby in Group
I have been so busy but I wanted to put this up before I forgot all about it. This past week I made it to group. I was really glad to have gone, although it was ROUGH for me. One of our members is dealing with something involving a teenager he is trying to help...a teenager he almost killed a year ago when this kid attacked him. His issue with this whole thing is that he is feeling guilty that the kid is probably going to jail for quite a few years and he feels like he failed this little bastard in some way. I had mixed feelings on this as he talked.
As he talked, I got really mixed feelings. These feelings came from two seperate trauma types: one of my traumas from Iraq and all of my childhood sexual trauma.
I got pissed becuase he sounded like he was making excuses for this kid.
--- This kid sounds like every other piece of shit punk or adult who likes to take advantage of people they think are weak or easy targets. This just smarts of those fucking dirty bastards who raped me and the other children!
I got sad AND guilty becuase of my feelings related to the incident with the albino kid in Iraq. I should have shot that bastard, had reason to, and had a 90% chance of not being penalized for doing so.
--- Not killing him that day allowed him to live a lot longer, which allowed him to continue to transport weapons to Ar Ramadi and Fallujah and to use them against the Marines and Soldiers there. Allowing him to live was a stupid fucking decision and feel directly responsible for the lives of American's that were lost due to that fuck!
Having the feelings would have been OK. However, the Doc remembered about the incidents and my feelings about them and she quickly drew the same corrolation that I did, or she at least assumed that's what I was thinking about. I honestly wasn't going to say a damn thing as I didn't trust myself to speak. BUT, she asked...and since she asked and I agree to do anything reasonable that she asks, I answered. I told the group a little about the incident in Iraq and how even though I DIDN'T kill the kid, I still felt the same kind of guilt that this guy (and one other) felt.
As the Doc probed, I had to seriously fight back tears, which made me doubly pissed at myself. Pissed that I fought back the tears (because I still feel like I NEED to cry) and pissed at myself for showing emotions. I guess the Doc noticed as she asked me stay a few minutes after group. I did so, and I told her quickly about how I was just already feeling fucked up due to the triggers and other shit that I had the week before, as well as a coomplete lack of sleep with a LOT of job stress added in. Basically I was in a fucked up place! I was going to tell her that the other feelings and hell I had in me, due to both this guys' story as well as the week before, were ALL because of my being raped as a child. However, I felt myself starting to water in the eyes. I told her that I had to go. What was actually nice was that she told me the only reason that she was NOT making me stay and talk about things was because she knew I had to get back to work. That actually felt good...it's nice to know people give a shit sometimes...especially when my head is in dark and dangerous holes and all I feel are fucked up or wrong emotions.
I still need to cry!
As he talked, I got really mixed feelings. These feelings came from two seperate trauma types: one of my traumas from Iraq and all of my childhood sexual trauma.
I got pissed becuase he sounded like he was making excuses for this kid.
--- This kid sounds like every other piece of shit punk or adult who likes to take advantage of people they think are weak or easy targets. This just smarts of those fucking dirty bastards who raped me and the other children!
I got sad AND guilty becuase of my feelings related to the incident with the albino kid in Iraq. I should have shot that bastard, had reason to, and had a 90% chance of not being penalized for doing so.
--- Not killing him that day allowed him to live a lot longer, which allowed him to continue to transport weapons to Ar Ramadi and Fallujah and to use them against the Marines and Soldiers there. Allowing him to live was a stupid fucking decision and feel directly responsible for the lives of American's that were lost due to that fuck!
Having the feelings would have been OK. However, the Doc remembered about the incidents and my feelings about them and she quickly drew the same corrolation that I did, or she at least assumed that's what I was thinking about. I honestly wasn't going to say a damn thing as I didn't trust myself to speak. BUT, she asked...and since she asked and I agree to do anything reasonable that she asks, I answered. I told the group a little about the incident in Iraq and how even though I DIDN'T kill the kid, I still felt the same kind of guilt that this guy (and one other) felt.
As the Doc probed, I had to seriously fight back tears, which made me doubly pissed at myself. Pissed that I fought back the tears (because I still feel like I NEED to cry) and pissed at myself for showing emotions. I guess the Doc noticed as she asked me stay a few minutes after group. I did so, and I told her quickly about how I was just already feeling fucked up due to the triggers and other shit that I had the week before, as well as a coomplete lack of sleep with a LOT of job stress added in. Basically I was in a fucked up place! I was going to tell her that the other feelings and hell I had in me, due to both this guys' story as well as the week before, were ALL because of my being raped as a child. However, I felt myself starting to water in the eyes. I told her that I had to go. What was actually nice was that she told me the only reason that she was NOT making me stay and talk about things was because she knew I had to get back to work. That actually felt good...it's nice to know people give a shit sometimes...especially when my head is in dark and dangerous holes and all I feel are fucked up or wrong emotions.
I still need to cry!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
The Bullshit that is Penn State, Sandusky, and the abuse of young boys
I am a Big10 fan, but never one of Penn State. However, I had always, until the Sandusky revelations came out, felt that Pateno was one hell of a coach and a good person. I was WRONG!!!
My last session with the Doc was the same week that I had heard about (later than the rest of the world apparently) the Sandusky/Penn State scandal of child raping. In the waiting room that day I first heard the mother of the first victim that came forward and then heard one of the victims themselves. Of course, the voices were digitally masked, but that wasn't the point. The thing that really struck me, and the Doc hit on it too, was that I immediately started to berate myself for not being as strong as those boys. They were able to publicly state the things that I still struggle with privately and they were able to call out their abusers, their rapists. This kind of had me fucked up a little bit, but also kinda proud of these boys (or I guess they are men now). The other thing that struck me at the time was a comment that the Doc made about how there seems to be quite a lot of recent news about boys being raped and/or abused.
Today I heard a little about the same shit going on at Syracuse. A coworker mentioned that there were two other national cases also involving the sexual abuse of other children. And this is where I come to the primary point of this: I need to find a much better way to either escape these conversations or to not get so emotional (well...angry anyway) while being in them. ALL they do is piss them off. Today I got so mad at someone who was somewhat supporting Paterno's lack of integrity or spine (or, and I hope not, his direct involvement or knowledge). My overall response was to somewhat graphically describe the horrible amounts of pain that Sandusky, Paterno, the coach at Syracuse (and ANYONE who rapes children) should be put through.
These people need to be punished to an affect that makes others think twice before sexually abusing a child. I am very proud of those that came forward, although I struggle with my own weaknesses regarding sharing my traumas with ANYONE, I do wish that I had even a tenth of their strength. Or at least that I applied better social techniques when I have no choice but to have these types of conversations (sometimes it's impossible to escape them due to physical barriers when they "pop-up" at work.
My last session with the Doc was the same week that I had heard about (later than the rest of the world apparently) the Sandusky/Penn State scandal of child raping. In the waiting room that day I first heard the mother of the first victim that came forward and then heard one of the victims themselves. Of course, the voices were digitally masked, but that wasn't the point. The thing that really struck me, and the Doc hit on it too, was that I immediately started to berate myself for not being as strong as those boys. They were able to publicly state the things that I still struggle with privately and they were able to call out their abusers, their rapists. This kind of had me fucked up a little bit, but also kinda proud of these boys (or I guess they are men now). The other thing that struck me at the time was a comment that the Doc made about how there seems to be quite a lot of recent news about boys being raped and/or abused.
Today I heard a little about the same shit going on at Syracuse. A coworker mentioned that there were two other national cases also involving the sexual abuse of other children. And this is where I come to the primary point of this: I need to find a much better way to either escape these conversations or to not get so emotional (well...angry anyway) while being in them. ALL they do is piss them off. Today I got so mad at someone who was somewhat supporting Paterno's lack of integrity or spine (or, and I hope not, his direct involvement or knowledge). My overall response was to somewhat graphically describe the horrible amounts of pain that Sandusky, Paterno, the coach at Syracuse (and ANYONE who rapes children) should be put through.
These people need to be punished to an affect that makes others think twice before sexually abusing a child. I am very proud of those that came forward, although I struggle with my own weaknesses regarding sharing my traumas with ANYONE, I do wish that I had even a tenth of their strength. Or at least that I applied better social techniques when I have no choice but to have these types of conversations (sometimes it's impossible to escape them due to physical barriers when they "pop-up" at work.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
PTSD: Symptoms and Emotions
I have been in therapy for almost 2 years. I think it has been extremely helpful, especially considering the times I didn't kill myself even when I had thought about it. One thing I just realized though...I have NO idea what the actual symptons are for PTSD. I could name a few, but only in generic terms related specifically to me, if that makes sense.
Things I think are symptoms:
- I am afraid to go into crowds.
- I am paranoid about people trying to kill me, blow me up, shoot me, or rape me.
- I think people are talking about me all the time, or think little/nothing of me, or just think I am stupid
- I jump at a large set of noises
- I can't sleep without medication or else I am waking with horrible fucking nightmares
- I feel guilty about a LOT of things from both Iraq, and my fucking childhood
One thing I do know, I have been unable to really HAVE any emotions or show any feelings. I think that this is a symptom too??? I have sat probably 20 times, at least, in the Doc's office and been on the verge of tears...yet I never let myself cry. Even when I wanted to so badly, I still managed to stop myself. I have been holding in a LOT of emotions and I need to find a way to express them in their true forms...but safely for both me and those around me. It's not just the crying...it's the anger too. But the anger I do easily find ways to express...although not always the healthiest, I have at least not beat anyone's ass recently.
But crying...that's something I don't seem to be able to do unless I am stone cold fucking drunk. I did cry some when I read aloud an entry I made on here back in October...when I heard myself say outloud some of the fucked up shit those people did to me as a child. The last few weeks I really haven't even been struck with a need to cry when I am thinking about any of my traumas (except for once in the Doc's office). Until Yesterday.
I took my son to his first ever football game at my favorite college. It wasa BIG, and important game. My dad couldn't make it, which bothered me the whole time. In addition to that bothering me, I got triggered by a few distinct things, not the least of which was that the chic in front me looked just like the last bitch who involved me in her fucked up games of raping kids...which also happened to occur about 100 miles away from where I was sitting at the time I saw her.
So there I was, an emotional and important game, multiple triggers of both my combat PTSD and my childhood sexual abuse PTSD, sitting with my son at his first game. The end of the game came and it was time to leave. Oddly enough, I got wrapped up in the emotion of EVERYTHING I just listed and I really, REALLY had to hold back tears so that I didn't end up crying like a fucking baby in front of my son and a TON of people.
So what do I do now....I REALLY feel like I NEED to cry. I feel like I need to let all of this emotion out and just fucking explode...cry, scream, hit, kick, punch, hide...something, anything. I don't know if I can move on until I do this....but why won't I let myself. I get why I held it back at the stadium...but WHY can't I let ig flow in a safe place like the Doc's office, my truck, or my own fucking house????
Things I think are symptoms:
- I am afraid to go into crowds.
- I am paranoid about people trying to kill me, blow me up, shoot me, or rape me.
- I think people are talking about me all the time, or think little/nothing of me, or just think I am stupid
- I jump at a large set of noises
- I can't sleep without medication or else I am waking with horrible fucking nightmares
- I feel guilty about a LOT of things from both Iraq, and my fucking childhood
One thing I do know, I have been unable to really HAVE any emotions or show any feelings. I think that this is a symptom too??? I have sat probably 20 times, at least, in the Doc's office and been on the verge of tears...yet I never let myself cry. Even when I wanted to so badly, I still managed to stop myself. I have been holding in a LOT of emotions and I need to find a way to express them in their true forms...but safely for both me and those around me. It's not just the crying...it's the anger too. But the anger I do easily find ways to express...although not always the healthiest, I have at least not beat anyone's ass recently.
But crying...that's something I don't seem to be able to do unless I am stone cold fucking drunk. I did cry some when I read aloud an entry I made on here back in October...when I heard myself say outloud some of the fucked up shit those people did to me as a child. The last few weeks I really haven't even been struck with a need to cry when I am thinking about any of my traumas (except for once in the Doc's office). Until Yesterday.
I took my son to his first ever football game at my favorite college. It wasa BIG, and important game. My dad couldn't make it, which bothered me the whole time. In addition to that bothering me, I got triggered by a few distinct things, not the least of which was that the chic in front me looked just like the last bitch who involved me in her fucked up games of raping kids...which also happened to occur about 100 miles away from where I was sitting at the time I saw her.
So there I was, an emotional and important game, multiple triggers of both my combat PTSD and my childhood sexual abuse PTSD, sitting with my son at his first game. The end of the game came and it was time to leave. Oddly enough, I got wrapped up in the emotion of EVERYTHING I just listed and I really, REALLY had to hold back tears so that I didn't end up crying like a fucking baby in front of my son and a TON of people.
So what do I do now....I REALLY feel like I NEED to cry. I feel like I need to let all of this emotion out and just fucking explode...cry, scream, hit, kick, punch, hide...something, anything. I don't know if I can move on until I do this....but why won't I let myself. I get why I held it back at the stadium...but WHY can't I let ig flow in a safe place like the Doc's office, my truck, or my own fucking house????
Friday, November 25, 2011
Fucking Family and Secrets!!!!!
How many people have a family with no secrets? Probably none! It's a sad but shameful truth that has apparently existed since Cain slew Abel.
Today I sat with an Uncle of mine and he showed me a LOT of OLD pictures of the family. He gave me a bunch, mostly of my dad, and filled me in on some of the family history. Too say I am annoyed/mad/worried would be putting it lightly!!!! Apparently my dad keeps a LOT more secret about his life (childhood through my mom leaving him, than I realize). Not so much of a big deal, until somewhere in that conversation it came it that my dad had lied about quite a few things to us over the years. This took me down a DANGEROUS path of thinking, one in which it made me wonder if my dad wasn't abused in some way when he was a kid....which in turn took me to "why didn't he know those assholes were raping me???" I don't know that I blame my parents for any of what happened to me as a kid. This whole last week has had me really missing my mother as Thanksgiving was her absolute favorite holiday...yet I can't help be a little disappointed in her as well. It's not fair to say that they "should have known" or that they "should have protected me" when you consider any one group of events by itself. BUT THREE DIFFERENT times I was used as a sex puppet for some prety sick fucks! How could they not have known. Maybe they knew, because of their own trauma (I KNOW my mother was raped) and were just playing Ostrich??? Or maybe they really didn't know????
I do KNOW that I am PISSED OFF and very SAD that they didn't do a better job protecting me from any of these assholes!!!! VERY PISSED OFF....and VERY SAD overall. Really have to NOT think about this shit so much tonight/next few days and have to DEFINITELY avoid thinking about being dead. :-(
Today I sat with an Uncle of mine and he showed me a LOT of OLD pictures of the family. He gave me a bunch, mostly of my dad, and filled me in on some of the family history. Too say I am annoyed/mad/worried would be putting it lightly!!!! Apparently my dad keeps a LOT more secret about his life (childhood through my mom leaving him, than I realize). Not so much of a big deal, until somewhere in that conversation it came it that my dad had lied about quite a few things to us over the years. This took me down a DANGEROUS path of thinking, one in which it made me wonder if my dad wasn't abused in some way when he was a kid....which in turn took me to "why didn't he know those assholes were raping me???" I don't know that I blame my parents for any of what happened to me as a kid. This whole last week has had me really missing my mother as Thanksgiving was her absolute favorite holiday...yet I can't help be a little disappointed in her as well. It's not fair to say that they "should have known" or that they "should have protected me" when you consider any one group of events by itself. BUT THREE DIFFERENT times I was used as a sex puppet for some prety sick fucks! How could they not have known. Maybe they knew, because of their own trauma (I KNOW my mother was raped) and were just playing Ostrich??? Or maybe they really didn't know????
I do KNOW that I am PISSED OFF and very SAD that they didn't do a better job protecting me from any of these assholes!!!! VERY PISSED OFF....and VERY SAD overall. Really have to NOT think about this shit so much tonight/next few days and have to DEFINITELY avoid thinking about being dead. :-(
Happy Thanksgiving
To my fellow vets and service members and their families: Happy Thanksgiving. I hope that all was wonderful today and full of fun, excitement, safety, and love. I know for me it was a little rouch with all of the noise and people...but I made it through by using my breathing/mindfulness and some alternative thinking!
Hope all is AWESOME!!!!
dw
Hope all is AWESOME!!!!
dw
Monday, November 21, 2011
TOO MUCH - Writing, Thinking, Dreaming, Spacing, Thinking...
I am not sure how to aggregate the whole lot of info I recieved on this, but I have come to believe that it is true: I overthink everything, EVERYTHING, and spend so much time focusing on my fucking trauma, that I am holding myself back from....advancing (trying to avoid using that "B" word...b3tt3r).
It is a cycle...a cycle of shit and hell that I put myself through on an almost minute-by-minute basis, until I get something to bump me out of it...even if it's only a slight reprieve. This process usually starts with an external trigger which gets me thinking about the event that got triggered. I naturally move to try to disect that entire drama, taking the gamut of emotions that go with them and exacerbating them to the full fucking extent. ...and then I actually have the stupidity to wonder why I feel like shit most of the time. There has been a new compication to this mental madness...one that I really wasn't able to put into words until the other day in my session with the Doc: I am feeling better in a lot of ways, or at least feeling "stronger"...but it doesn't "feel right" so I worry that it's just a LOT of apathy coming back in, and that if I am not careful then I will end up suicidal again.
Of course the Doc made two very valid points:
1) If it isn't something happening now, in the present, then why am I worrying about it?
2) I MUST learn to spend less time out of my head!!! Not that I shouldn't process my thoughts, OR emotions, but that maybe I should examine them, make a decision, and move on. Even if the decision I make ends up being wrong and I have to rethink it....it's still way less time in my own self-imposed hell than what I normally spend.
Don't know where I'd be without the advice and support of the Doc, and (because of her) my Wife!!! Actually, that's not true...I either be heading towards a bloody death, or have already gone there. Somedays I really hate me...but the few people I have to count on are miracle-workers and awesome and deserve nothing but respect, concern, faith, and love!!!
On another note....a VERY stressful weekend. Overall, despite some bullshit today, including getting started very bad by my waitress (twice!!!) it's been a pretty good day, so I am happy about that. Now if I can get some well-needed sleep before I have to leave to take an exam in the morning....that would be fucking awesome!!!!!!!
It is a cycle...a cycle of shit and hell that I put myself through on an almost minute-by-minute basis, until I get something to bump me out of it...even if it's only a slight reprieve. This process usually starts with an external trigger which gets me thinking about the event that got triggered. I naturally move to try to disect that entire drama, taking the gamut of emotions that go with them and exacerbating them to the full fucking extent. ...and then I actually have the stupidity to wonder why I feel like shit most of the time. There has been a new compication to this mental madness...one that I really wasn't able to put into words until the other day in my session with the Doc: I am feeling better in a lot of ways, or at least feeling "stronger"...but it doesn't "feel right" so I worry that it's just a LOT of apathy coming back in, and that if I am not careful then I will end up suicidal again.
Of course the Doc made two very valid points:
1) If it isn't something happening now, in the present, then why am I worrying about it?
2) I MUST learn to spend less time out of my head!!! Not that I shouldn't process my thoughts, OR emotions, but that maybe I should examine them, make a decision, and move on. Even if the decision I make ends up being wrong and I have to rethink it....it's still way less time in my own self-imposed hell than what I normally spend.
Don't know where I'd be without the advice and support of the Doc, and (because of her) my Wife!!! Actually, that's not true...I either be heading towards a bloody death, or have already gone there. Somedays I really hate me...but the few people I have to count on are miracle-workers and awesome and deserve nothing but respect, concern, faith, and love!!!
On another note....a VERY stressful weekend. Overall, despite some bullshit today, including getting started very bad by my waitress (twice!!!) it's been a pretty good day, so I am happy about that. Now if I can get some well-needed sleep before I have to leave to take an exam in the morning....that would be fucking awesome!!!!!!!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Comments
It appears that slowly, other people are finding this blog. If you run accross this and find something helpful, or too much, let me know with a comment. I started this as an "anonymous journal" for myself only. However, with the "Stats" showing that more and more people Are finding this thing, I would be completely OK with any comments, good or bad.
(For) Better (or Worse???)
I think that therapy, both the interaction with the therapist, and the individual work, are a lot like a marriage...without all the hassle of fights, sex, jealousy, etc.) I don't mean to say that it is only good things, just that I can see a correlation between these two parts of therapy (individually), and marriage.
In marriage, there has to be, MUST be, a relationship of trust and commonality (or some other foundation to foster communication). In therapy, there is NO way it's going to work without trust AND a foundation for communication. I have read a lot in the last year about therapy and, quite frankly, I am more and more convinced that I made the right choice in sticking with my current Doc...even when I struggle with feeling like she's ready to "divorce" me.
One of the topics I read about was that of choosing a therapist. This is no easy task...at least it wasn't for me. I talked with a Doc about possibly getting a referral to an Anger Management class. Imagine my surprise when he said that I had PTSD. THEN, I had to have two other doctors "look" at me (no including the doctor picked by the VA for my CMP check), and THEN had to wait for a fucking phone call. The Doc I have is actually the one who called me, but she called to tell me that my choices were limited to females, and to interns at that. At the time, I felt that I had to stick to my guns on two requirements: the therapist HAD to be a male AND the therapist had to be around for awhile. A female intern obviously wan't going to work at that time.
So, much like choosing a life partner, you have to maintain some level of standards. Some contradiction here also parallels life's reality....I didn't get what I thought I wanted and the one I thought would NOT be a good choice ended up being the absolute best. I kind of liken this to my marriages. In my first marriage, I got exactly what I wanted...and it was HELL. In my current marriage, I had NO intention of marrying her. Hell, she was supposed to be a one-night stand and for whatever reason she continued to call me to come over...and that was over 13 years ago. As with my wife, I didn't see anyway that the Doc could be useful long term. I figured she'd be OK as a 'stand-in' until someone meeting my requirements became available.
I think another way that I have to liken my therapy as a whole to the marriage, or at least the relationship process, is in terms of impatience. After I lost my virginity (the time I was willing and with someone I loved), I wanted sex all the time...maybe even too much. I didn't know it then but I think I was basing all of my actions on what was expected of me as a kid. So much so that when my first wife I would have sucked some dude's dick just to make her happy...even when she had used my telling her a little I remembered about my CSA, against me. But I have digressed. After loosing my virginity (and before) I don't think that until the last few years that I didn't FEEL a need for sex ALL the time. Even when I wasn't horny, I just knew I needed a release. So, I would masturbate at an average minumum of four times a day...even if I was in a sexual relationship. (the masturbation wasn't always about sexual relief...at least 60% of the time it wasn't...or still isn't). Much like, well...very much like my overly needy desire to have sex, to include some of the shit I was willing to do for that relief, it's the same with my my desire to seek treatment.
I KNEW that if I didn't see a Doctor soon, that I would be done. I had already half-tried to kill myself once and had thought about it more than once since then. But I had a STRONG urge to get help. What I had thought of earlier on was only a sever issue with my temper had turned out to be PTSD, I knew my thoughts and my mental state were spiralling down quickly. I had a STRONG, hourly, urge to get help...a different, non-sexual, type of relief. So I think that this is very similar too...my desire for physical/emotional relief and my desire for emotional/mental led in different directions but certainly felt and manifested in similar ways (not making any jokes about genitalia here).
I am sure that anyone in therapy for similar issues, and especially those going through the CPT or PE protocols/treatments probably alreay knows all of these comparisons. I just myself though realized it, although I don''t know how I could have missed the correlation earler!
Like marriage, therapy and a working/WORKABLE/HELPFUL relationship with your therapist require:
- patience AND standards during your search
- a desire to get better
- Communication about what's working AND what's not working
- Persistentce to stick with it. Therapy, like marriage, can be very taxing and without some strength to make it
In any event, I think I have a great wife and a decent marriage. I also think that I have the best Doc in the VA system. I wish I could list her name here and sing her praises. I've had to work at both relationships but, and this is important, when I started to include my wife in my treatment....at least with letting her in a little more....that really, REALLY provided some support I needed to percivere in my therapy!!!
In marriage, there has to be, MUST be, a relationship of trust and commonality (or some other foundation to foster communication). In therapy, there is NO way it's going to work without trust AND a foundation for communication. I have read a lot in the last year about therapy and, quite frankly, I am more and more convinced that I made the right choice in sticking with my current Doc...even when I struggle with feeling like she's ready to "divorce" me.
One of the topics I read about was that of choosing a therapist. This is no easy task...at least it wasn't for me. I talked with a Doc about possibly getting a referral to an Anger Management class. Imagine my surprise when he said that I had PTSD. THEN, I had to have two other doctors "look" at me (no including the doctor picked by the VA for my CMP check), and THEN had to wait for a fucking phone call. The Doc I have is actually the one who called me, but she called to tell me that my choices were limited to females, and to interns at that. At the time, I felt that I had to stick to my guns on two requirements: the therapist HAD to be a male AND the therapist had to be around for awhile. A female intern obviously wan't going to work at that time.
So, much like choosing a life partner, you have to maintain some level of standards. Some contradiction here also parallels life's reality....I didn't get what I thought I wanted and the one I thought would NOT be a good choice ended up being the absolute best. I kind of liken this to my marriages. In my first marriage, I got exactly what I wanted...and it was HELL. In my current marriage, I had NO intention of marrying her. Hell, she was supposed to be a one-night stand and for whatever reason she continued to call me to come over...and that was over 13 years ago. As with my wife, I didn't see anyway that the Doc could be useful long term. I figured she'd be OK as a 'stand-in' until someone meeting my requirements became available.
I think another way that I have to liken my therapy as a whole to the marriage, or at least the relationship process, is in terms of impatience. After I lost my virginity (the time I was willing and with someone I loved), I wanted sex all the time...maybe even too much. I didn't know it then but I think I was basing all of my actions on what was expected of me as a kid. So much so that when my first wife I would have sucked some dude's dick just to make her happy...even when she had used my telling her a little I remembered about my CSA, against me. But I have digressed. After loosing my virginity (and before) I don't think that until the last few years that I didn't FEEL a need for sex ALL the time. Even when I wasn't horny, I just knew I needed a release. So, I would masturbate at an average minumum of four times a day...even if I was in a sexual relationship. (the masturbation wasn't always about sexual relief...at least 60% of the time it wasn't...or still isn't). Much like, well...very much like my overly needy desire to have sex, to include some of the shit I was willing to do for that relief, it's the same with my my desire to seek treatment.
I KNEW that if I didn't see a Doctor soon, that I would be done. I had already half-tried to kill myself once and had thought about it more than once since then. But I had a STRONG urge to get help. What I had thought of earlier on was only a sever issue with my temper had turned out to be PTSD, I knew my thoughts and my mental state were spiralling down quickly. I had a STRONG, hourly, urge to get help...a different, non-sexual, type of relief. So I think that this is very similar too...my desire for physical/emotional relief and my desire for emotional/mental led in different directions but certainly felt and manifested in similar ways (not making any jokes about genitalia here).
I am sure that anyone in therapy for similar issues, and especially those going through the CPT or PE protocols/treatments probably alreay knows all of these comparisons. I just myself though realized it, although I don''t know how I could have missed the correlation earler!
Like marriage, therapy and a working/WORKABLE/HELPFUL relationship with your therapist require:
- patience AND standards during your search
- a desire to get better
- Communication about what's working AND what's not working
- Persistentce to stick with it. Therapy, like marriage, can be very taxing and without some strength to make it
In any event, I think I have a great wife and a decent marriage. I also think that I have the best Doc in the VA system. I wish I could list her name here and sing her praises. I've had to work at both relationships but, and this is important, when I started to include my wife in my treatment....at least with letting her in a little more....that really, REALLY provided some support I needed to percivere in my therapy!!!
Monday, November 14, 2011
Where am I??? or is it 'Who AM I????'
I have no friggin clue!!! Very tired but not so much from lack of sleep...I got amost 7 hours last night. 7 hours of drug induced sleep; thank God for Lorazepam. But for some reason I just feel like I normally do....fucking exhausted!
So today, while sitting forever in the ER and getting torqued over nothing but everthing, I finished the book Victims No Longer. I am glad I finished it...feels like I acomplished something but not sure if it's enough. Really I am not sure of much of anything anything any more...I am struggling with a LOT of the older stuckpoints. I find that recently I am REALLY struggling with guilt, blame, shame, misery, fear, and mindreading. So maybe to work against those:
- I didn't make those rockets/mortars come in and kill those guys
- I didn't know who the kid was before I chose not to shoot him
- I didn't ask those fuckers to abuse me....any of the group of three
- I should be thankful for the things I have
- I have no one to fear anymore...maybe
- My wife and my Doc, the only two I talk to about the CSA stuff, I HAVE to believe that they care and WANT to help.
I have been thinking a LOT about death these days, about being dead...but not about dying itself. I don't want to be dead and I don't want to kill myself. But....I am finding myself thinking a lot about just being dead...would that be any good? I wonder all the time if anyone would miss me or shed a tear (other than hopefully the wife and kids). Who knows and more importantly...who am I???
My oldest lied about, even after getting caught red-handed, eating ice-cream at 5:30 am. She seems to just be full of shit and making nothing but bad choices aimed at her own selfishness and bullshit. This does not help my stress level. Oh, and had to take the wife to the ER tonight...for 4.5 hours! :-(
So today, while sitting forever in the ER and getting torqued over nothing but everthing, I finished the book Victims No Longer. I am glad I finished it...feels like I acomplished something but not sure if it's enough. Really I am not sure of much of anything anything any more...I am struggling with a LOT of the older stuckpoints. I find that recently I am REALLY struggling with guilt, blame, shame, misery, fear, and mindreading. So maybe to work against those:
- I didn't make those rockets/mortars come in and kill those guys
- I didn't know who the kid was before I chose not to shoot him
- I didn't ask those fuckers to abuse me....any of the group of three
- I should be thankful for the things I have
- I have no one to fear anymore...maybe
- My wife and my Doc, the only two I talk to about the CSA stuff, I HAVE to believe that they care and WANT to help.
I have been thinking a LOT about death these days, about being dead...but not about dying itself. I don't want to be dead and I don't want to kill myself. But....I am finding myself thinking a lot about just being dead...would that be any good? I wonder all the time if anyone would miss me or shed a tear (other than hopefully the wife and kids). Who knows and more importantly...who am I???
My oldest lied about, even after getting caught red-handed, eating ice-cream at 5:30 am. She seems to just be full of shit and making nothing but bad choices aimed at her own selfishness and bullshit. This does not help my stress level. Oh, and had to take the wife to the ER tonight...for 4.5 hours! :-(
Friday, November 11, 2011
Veteran's Day Parade
Today was the Veteran's Day parade downtown. I really didn't want to go but I thought I should, or had to I thought. I had originally planned to go for a few reasons:
- I thought my friend CC was marching in the parade with an organization that he is part of...but he was hurt
- I thought my oldest had to march with her JROTC group....but she didn't
- My PTSD clinic was marching, the Doc, the Social Worker, etc...they WERE there.
However, I kinda wish I didn't go now. It's had me fucked up all day. This same shit happened last year and for the exact same reasons. The part that makes it worse is that I was "PREPARED" for the exact same shit that messed me up today, because of last year. I don't want to analyze this too much, but I need to vent to someone...so why not vent to myself on my blog.
What bothered me today:
-I was already in a somewhat bad place thanks to recent flashbacks, stress, and lack of sleep.
-The kids were extremely high-maintenance and complaining/whining ALL morning.
-The damned bass drums...more mortar rounds coming.
-The sirens from the fire trucks...not all of them, just that single, LONG tone. takes me instantly back to the fucking alerts at Anaconda.
-Pain..A LOT of FUCKING PAIN. We actually walked from where we parked....about the start of route...to the END of the route.
-Realizing that the Guest Speaker was one of the people I really wish I could avoid....I was in Iraq with this guy and while I don't KNOW that it was his fault that we didn't get the recognition AND the help we needed while we were going through that shit. He may have not been at fault, but seeing and hearing that guy reminds me of so much shit from Iraq. I got a coin from him when I was over there....too funny.
I want to be there to support veterans in any fashion and I REALLY WANT to be better at being in public and NOT getting triggered. I don't know though anymore! What am I supposed to do about this. I feel better overall....as in I feel like I am getting/have gotten better. But the symptoms are still there from both the Iraq traumas and the childhood shit. So I feel weird about feeling like I am getting better. I think I am worried that I am just not caring about me any more...whether I get better or not...whether I live or not? Not that I want to die or be fucked up...but maybe a type of sad acceptance of who I am??? Yeah I think that might actually be it. It is GOOD to talk shit out to myself sometimes.
There was something good today. There was a local businessman who sponsored some pretty nice lapel pins and I was able to get one for me. I'm not a fan of lapel pins normally, but this one just seemed special. I was also able to grab one for a friend of mine who is very sick and couldn't make it. I gave it to the Doc to give to him.
Anyway, I don't know that I am going to go next year. :-(
- I thought my friend CC was marching in the parade with an organization that he is part of...but he was hurt
- I thought my oldest had to march with her JROTC group....but she didn't
- My PTSD clinic was marching, the Doc, the Social Worker, etc...they WERE there.
However, I kinda wish I didn't go now. It's had me fucked up all day. This same shit happened last year and for the exact same reasons. The part that makes it worse is that I was "PREPARED" for the exact same shit that messed me up today, because of last year. I don't want to analyze this too much, but I need to vent to someone...so why not vent to myself on my blog.
What bothered me today:
-I was already in a somewhat bad place thanks to recent flashbacks, stress, and lack of sleep.
-The kids were extremely high-maintenance and complaining/whining ALL morning.
-The damned bass drums...more mortar rounds coming.
-The sirens from the fire trucks...not all of them, just that single, LONG tone. takes me instantly back to the fucking alerts at Anaconda.
-Pain..A LOT of FUCKING PAIN. We actually walked from where we parked....about the start of route...to the END of the route.
-Realizing that the Guest Speaker was one of the people I really wish I could avoid....I was in Iraq with this guy and while I don't KNOW that it was his fault that we didn't get the recognition AND the help we needed while we were going through that shit. He may have not been at fault, but seeing and hearing that guy reminds me of so much shit from Iraq. I got a coin from him when I was over there....too funny.
I want to be there to support veterans in any fashion and I REALLY WANT to be better at being in public and NOT getting triggered. I don't know though anymore! What am I supposed to do about this. I feel better overall....as in I feel like I am getting/have gotten better. But the symptoms are still there from both the Iraq traumas and the childhood shit. So I feel weird about feeling like I am getting better. I think I am worried that I am just not caring about me any more...whether I get better or not...whether I live or not? Not that I want to die or be fucked up...but maybe a type of sad acceptance of who I am??? Yeah I think that might actually be it. It is GOOD to talk shit out to myself sometimes.
There was something good today. There was a local businessman who sponsored some pretty nice lapel pins and I was able to get one for me. I'm not a fan of lapel pins normally, but this one just seemed special. I was also able to grab one for a friend of mine who is very sick and couldn't make it. I gave it to the Doc to give to him.
Anyway, I don't know that I am going to go next year. :-(
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Part of a trauma statement
As part of CPT, I had to go back in my pain and remember as I wrote. I had to write my trauma statement. I actually have written 2 and a half. One for the first Iraq trauma I covered in therapy, one for the second Iraq trauma we discussed, and part of a third one for the PE work I started with the childhood sexual abuse.
I thought a lot the last couple of weeks about the first trauma. A lot of that thought wasn't intentional; a lot of nightmare issues and some flashbacks coupled with some of the old guilt TRYING to come back. So, I thought about this and, without seeking any advice from the Doc or anyone else, I thought it might be good to go back over my trauma statement...kinda.
I think I want to write it out again in all it's details of sound and heat and emotions and sights and etc. However, what I don't think I am ready to do is put anything here that might indicate the specific event or who I am. I don't know if this is guilt or fear, but I think if I put anything here that is specifically searchable, especially names, then people might find this blog again. I guess I really don't care if anyone reads it but I worry a little bit about having a repeat of the bullshit with the past blog (facebook hacked, blog broadcasted, email hacked, all by an asshole who used to be a friend, and who probably are the reason that some aren't speaking to me anymore...but this is a WHOLE different topic that REALLY pisses me the fuck off!!!).
Anyway...here goes:
Something shitty happened and I feel like it was my fault.
All done.
Nope...that's not going to be good enough. I know that. However, I am very tired tonight so I think I just want to scratch this in...
I had to go take care of somethings. While at the building I ran into one Soldier first. He was pretty cool and we talked for a bit after I overheard his conversation with someone else and stopped him. He was talking about pictures from the war, which I had a disgusting fucking habit of collecting from my own camera as well as from other's. In any event, I stopped him and we talked for a few minutes. After these few minutes of chatting, before he went into the building, another Soldier came up and joined our conversation. Shortly after this interruption, the first guy excused himself and left the other Soldier and I to talk.
We talked for a few more minutes. I liked this guy as he seemed really fucking cool. I even invited him to our weekly poker game. He seemed interested, we wrapped up our conversation, and I headed across the street to take care of the next chore on my list.
When I got accross the street, I hung outside the door and smoked. After smoking for a few minutes ALL hell broke loose.
I have to stop here. I don't want to write this anymore and I am very tired. Hopefully the fact that I don't have to wake up so early tomorrow and that I am sooooo fucking tired, this will mean no bad dreams or nightmares.
I'll do plan to update this soon. Tomorrow (later today) I need to write up a short list for my session with the Doc. Kinda excited about this appointment, like I have a mission to tackle regarding my therapy and unless the Doc is too busy, mad at me for something, or just fucking tired of me, I think it will be a great session!
I thought a lot the last couple of weeks about the first trauma. A lot of that thought wasn't intentional; a lot of nightmare issues and some flashbacks coupled with some of the old guilt TRYING to come back. So, I thought about this and, without seeking any advice from the Doc or anyone else, I thought it might be good to go back over my trauma statement...kinda.
I think I want to write it out again in all it's details of sound and heat and emotions and sights and etc. However, what I don't think I am ready to do is put anything here that might indicate the specific event or who I am. I don't know if this is guilt or fear, but I think if I put anything here that is specifically searchable, especially names, then people might find this blog again. I guess I really don't care if anyone reads it but I worry a little bit about having a repeat of the bullshit with the past blog (facebook hacked, blog broadcasted, email hacked, all by an asshole who used to be a friend, and who probably are the reason that some aren't speaking to me anymore...but this is a WHOLE different topic that REALLY pisses me the fuck off!!!).
Anyway...here goes:
Something shitty happened and I feel like it was my fault.
All done.
Nope...that's not going to be good enough. I know that. However, I am very tired tonight so I think I just want to scratch this in...
I had to go take care of somethings. While at the building I ran into one Soldier first. He was pretty cool and we talked for a bit after I overheard his conversation with someone else and stopped him. He was talking about pictures from the war, which I had a disgusting fucking habit of collecting from my own camera as well as from other's. In any event, I stopped him and we talked for a few minutes. After these few minutes of chatting, before he went into the building, another Soldier came up and joined our conversation. Shortly after this interruption, the first guy excused himself and left the other Soldier and I to talk.
We talked for a few more minutes. I liked this guy as he seemed really fucking cool. I even invited him to our weekly poker game. He seemed interested, we wrapped up our conversation, and I headed across the street to take care of the next chore on my list.
When I got accross the street, I hung outside the door and smoked. After smoking for a few minutes ALL hell broke loose.
I have to stop here. I don't want to write this anymore and I am very tired. Hopefully the fact that I don't have to wake up so early tomorrow and that I am sooooo fucking tired, this will mean no bad dreams or nightmares.
I'll do plan to update this soon. Tomorrow (later today) I need to write up a short list for my session with the Doc. Kinda excited about this appointment, like I have a mission to tackle regarding my therapy and unless the Doc is too busy, mad at me for something, or just fucking tired of me, I think it will be a great session!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Feeling REALLY good today
There is something about being gone on a fun trip that makes me realize what I love and care about most in this world. I could give a shit about me most days, whether I live or die, but being gone this past weekend made me realize how much I wanted my wife and kids with me. I think this is good since it's one of the first times I have I have just honestly felt that way about ALL the kids AND the wife.
It's not that I don't love any of them. On the contrary, they are about all I truly love, except for some that I consider friends, like I mentioned before. However, my usual mode of operation is to just crave lonliness. I still haven't figured out why I always feel that I need this but I do know that it goes hand in hand with my wanting to run...ALL THE TIME!
Anyway, I feel pretty good today. I am physically fucking exhausted. But, I think having the time to myself and the time to relax, unwind, find thngs to focus on other than my traumas...I really needed that!!! It made me really miss my family. Most importantly it made me really miss ME.
I think that THIS is actually progess! I am missing more and more the person I was before the Iraq trauma happened and at least before the memories of the childhood sexual trauma that I had to suffer through! That HAS to indicate that I do want to live and that I do want to move forward in my life and my treatment. I think that this reaffirms my need to talk with the Doc about maybe developing some goals...not necessarily time-limited therapy (I can see the pros and cons of this actually), but at least something a little more tangible.
I have no clue what I wanted to say here....a lot of interruptions! But that's OK!!! I just kinda feel good and willing to move forward. I think I am good going back to "pink tutus" and "plucking." :-)
It's not that I don't love any of them. On the contrary, they are about all I truly love, except for some that I consider friends, like I mentioned before. However, my usual mode of operation is to just crave lonliness. I still haven't figured out why I always feel that I need this but I do know that it goes hand in hand with my wanting to run...ALL THE TIME!
Anyway, I feel pretty good today. I am physically fucking exhausted. But, I think having the time to myself and the time to relax, unwind, find thngs to focus on other than my traumas...I really needed that!!! It made me really miss my family. Most importantly it made me really miss ME.
I think that THIS is actually progess! I am missing more and more the person I was before the Iraq trauma happened and at least before the memories of the childhood sexual trauma that I had to suffer through! That HAS to indicate that I do want to live and that I do want to move forward in my life and my treatment. I think that this reaffirms my need to talk with the Doc about maybe developing some goals...not necessarily time-limited therapy (I can see the pros and cons of this actually), but at least something a little more tangible.
I have no clue what I wanted to say here....a lot of interruptions! But that's OK!!! I just kinda feel good and willing to move forward. I think I am good going back to "pink tutus" and "plucking." :-)
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Loving others
For a long time I liked to believe that I was devoid of any emotions accept anger and apathy (is this one really emotion?)
I think for the most part this was very true. I either didn't know I had other emotions, was so used to supressing them, or really just didn't have them; there was one exception to this. I have since learned that I do in fact have a multitude of emotions/feelings, even if some are still very hard to "show." I think crying is the one form of expression that I really haven't been able to use at all...and it is one that I constantly feel that I actually need to do. I have come close so many times, but I haven't let myself actually do it in those times. Usually because my wife is sitting 10 feet away or my kids are around or I am at the Doc's or basically any situation where other people can see me. I guess this would be my fear and pride taking control.
In any event, the one exception to my original statement is: Love. While driving part of the way home tonight, I had some time to think about this. I realized something that I think I already knew: there is more than one "type" of Love.
I guess I realized that I may not know what it means to Love anyone. I know how I feel about my kids and what I would do to protect them. But then I also know that are exist a few others that I would do the same for...but this doesn't mean it's a Love like I have for my kids, or like I have for my wife. So how can my level of affection for people be diverse when my willingness to help and protect those few (other than my kids) is equal regardless of who they are. These people I care about now that I am not married to or the father of, some are related to me, some are not. Yet, if they asked for the shirt off of my back, I would gladly give it. Here's where part of my confusion comes in, and the realization that it is maybe possible that I just latch onto people so tightly at the first sign that they might help/protect me, that I confuse this neediness with affection or Love. But is there a line? If I latch on to those who I begin to genuinely trust or feel gratitude for, is that so wrong? I am sure that there is a level that it becomes wrong because anything in excess is just piss-poor. But what about those who I have just been around for a long time.
I was thinking about JT today, and I think that she's a great example of this. I feel this strong urge to want to talk with her everyday and I tend to be bummed when I can't, or when we are texting but then she drops off. I also know that if I felt someone was threating her in anyway, that I would step in, regardless of if it's my place or not. Then there's the fact that I am definitely attracted to her sexually.
So, I would bend over backwards for her, risk jail time or worse for her, I wouldn't kick her out of bed (all jokes in my head ignored here), and I really just want to talk with her everyday about her. Does this mean I love her? In a way, I think the answer is yes. But I think today I more clearly saw the line between the love one has for a friend or helper, and the love one has for a partner. And while the displays of these love's is obviously different, I am not so sure the truth of either one is so different from the other. I think when the physical Love (sex) is added in with the Love of a Partner, then it's just another method of showing that Love...that should be only shared with one (again, different from just raw energy sex). While I might do the same with either JT or my wife (support, help, communicate, sex), there is one important difference: the choice of one over the other.
Maybe it's just that I haven't slept but 10 hours in 3 days (and travelled to/through 7 different states), but I think that the difference in types of love boils down to choice of one over the other.
For me, I would prioritize the Love I have for these people, in order of choice over others if required:
My kids
My wife
My parents
my friends (even those who may not consider me a friend)
my siblings and extended family
Whatever the honorable thing to do in a situation is.
So, when I think that I "love" some chic, I don't think it's ever been about romance and affection and respect. I have had many female friends, and those that I actually talked with over time, I would without fail come to "realize" that I must be in love with them. However, after the last 2 years of therapy and the things I concluded today in deep thought at 90 mph, I don't think it ever really had anything to do with romance and preference. I think it has always been about my safety, my need for approval, my belief that I must, basically anything but reality. I think that there were 4 times when I exchanged the magic three words (or just shared them) where it was truly based on something more:
- I married 2 of them
- had a long talk about how we both felt the same but since I was married to the first one
- She tells me still to this day that she feels the exact same way and longs for the situations to be different. (this is a whole different story that I am not even giving attention to right now.
So while I may have "felt like" I did/do/have had that love for different women, I am now fairly certain that while it may be true in the sense of a "love as a friend," that does not mean that I need to, want to, or should want to add a sexual component to it. As I am typing this I realize that it makes a lot more sense in my head than in print. I think I do that with a lot of things though too.
I know that there is a caveat here, especially since I don't think ANYONE really understands this emotion. I think that the caveat is that a person doesn't necessarily choose who they fall in love with (yep, even as a friend only), but they can choose to let themselves fall in love with someone.
The real problem I have with all of this: do I love myself? And if I don't, am I really able to love anyone else, or is it just neediness and/or lust and/or comfort that I chase and give back???
I think for the most part this was very true. I either didn't know I had other emotions, was so used to supressing them, or really just didn't have them; there was one exception to this. I have since learned that I do in fact have a multitude of emotions/feelings, even if some are still very hard to "show." I think crying is the one form of expression that I really haven't been able to use at all...and it is one that I constantly feel that I actually need to do. I have come close so many times, but I haven't let myself actually do it in those times. Usually because my wife is sitting 10 feet away or my kids are around or I am at the Doc's or basically any situation where other people can see me. I guess this would be my fear and pride taking control.
In any event, the one exception to my original statement is: Love. While driving part of the way home tonight, I had some time to think about this. I realized something that I think I already knew: there is more than one "type" of Love.
I guess I realized that I may not know what it means to Love anyone. I know how I feel about my kids and what I would do to protect them. But then I also know that are exist a few others that I would do the same for...but this doesn't mean it's a Love like I have for my kids, or like I have for my wife. So how can my level of affection for people be diverse when my willingness to help and protect those few (other than my kids) is equal regardless of who they are. These people I care about now that I am not married to or the father of, some are related to me, some are not. Yet, if they asked for the shirt off of my back, I would gladly give it. Here's where part of my confusion comes in, and the realization that it is maybe possible that I just latch onto people so tightly at the first sign that they might help/protect me, that I confuse this neediness with affection or Love. But is there a line? If I latch on to those who I begin to genuinely trust or feel gratitude for, is that so wrong? I am sure that there is a level that it becomes wrong because anything in excess is just piss-poor. But what about those who I have just been around for a long time.
I was thinking about JT today, and I think that she's a great example of this. I feel this strong urge to want to talk with her everyday and I tend to be bummed when I can't, or when we are texting but then she drops off. I also know that if I felt someone was threating her in anyway, that I would step in, regardless of if it's my place or not. Then there's the fact that I am definitely attracted to her sexually.
So, I would bend over backwards for her, risk jail time or worse for her, I wouldn't kick her out of bed (all jokes in my head ignored here), and I really just want to talk with her everyday about her. Does this mean I love her? In a way, I think the answer is yes. But I think today I more clearly saw the line between the love one has for a friend or helper, and the love one has for a partner. And while the displays of these love's is obviously different, I am not so sure the truth of either one is so different from the other. I think when the physical Love (sex) is added in with the Love of a Partner, then it's just another method of showing that Love...that should be only shared with one (again, different from just raw energy sex). While I might do the same with either JT or my wife (support, help, communicate, sex), there is one important difference: the choice of one over the other.
Maybe it's just that I haven't slept but 10 hours in 3 days (and travelled to/through 7 different states), but I think that the difference in types of love boils down to choice of one over the other.
For me, I would prioritize the Love I have for these people, in order of choice over others if required:
My kids
My wife
My parents
my friends (even those who may not consider me a friend)
my siblings and extended family
Whatever the honorable thing to do in a situation is.
So, when I think that I "love" some chic, I don't think it's ever been about romance and affection and respect. I have had many female friends, and those that I actually talked with over time, I would without fail come to "realize" that I must be in love with them. However, after the last 2 years of therapy and the things I concluded today in deep thought at 90 mph, I don't think it ever really had anything to do with romance and preference. I think it has always been about my safety, my need for approval, my belief that I must, basically anything but reality. I think that there were 4 times when I exchanged the magic three words (or just shared them) where it was truly based on something more:
- I married 2 of them
- had a long talk about how we both felt the same but since I was married to the first one
- She tells me still to this day that she feels the exact same way and longs for the situations to be different. (this is a whole different story that I am not even giving attention to right now.
So while I may have "felt like" I did/do/have had that love for different women, I am now fairly certain that while it may be true in the sense of a "love as a friend," that does not mean that I need to, want to, or should want to add a sexual component to it. As I am typing this I realize that it makes a lot more sense in my head than in print. I think I do that with a lot of things though too.
I know that there is a caveat here, especially since I don't think ANYONE really understands this emotion. I think that the caveat is that a person doesn't necessarily choose who they fall in love with (yep, even as a friend only), but they can choose to let themselves fall in love with someone.
The real problem I have with all of this: do I love myself? And if I don't, am I really able to love anyone else, or is it just neediness and/or lust and/or comfort that I chase and give back???
Friday, October 28, 2011
Travel, Stress, and Moods
Made it home tonight! Long damn day, to say the least! Had to take a shuttle bus from my original airport an hour away to a different one since my outbound flight was messed up. And that was after 3 LONG hours of driving at 0-dark 30. Crap!!!
It's been a long couple of weeks. I am taking a trip with a friend this weekend....Driving NOT flying. I am looking forward to the break. However, it won't give me any time to read. I did have a row to myself the last leg of my flight today, and I did use that to read my Victims No Longer book. It made me think about a LOT of things. I think I need to reassess a few things based on some ideas I got from what I read tonight.
I think one thing I really need to do is talk with the Doc and reassess some things. So here's what I am thinking:
1) I don't know what my goals are anymore. So this is where to start. I keep reading/hearing the term time-limited therapy. I don't know if that's something that will sit well with me in regards to either the childhood trauma nor iraq.
- I've been thinking about this a lot though...
- Working on my fear/pain/guilt/anger of my past
- Working on my exposure therapy. Next appointment, I am going to sit in the most vulnerable spot
2) What is the best way to work towards those goals?
- Seems like recently I have been monopolizing sessions with talking about nothing but present stuff. Some of this is directly about how my past is fucking me mentally up in the present. But there is a lot of extraneous stuff.
3) I think I need to clarify with the Doc that I fully understand the "rules." I have a hard time talking with anyone even the Doc, and although I think I maybe contact her too much...it really only is when I feel like I have to. (This should be one of, or grouped in somehow, my goals). I think she knows that and is trying to get me to learn to better deal with things on my own. But sometimes her responses seem as though she has gotten exasperated with having to help me. I don't want to go down that path of thinking because then I wouldn't be able to trust her. I think this is where my anger yesterday came from, from worrying that the Doc is just tired of me and my neediness. One of the things I read didn't help...the book basically said that any good therapist should understand this neediness and/or the need that survivors have to latch on to people that help without costs.
On top of maybe working with the Doc to re-acquire some focus in my sessions. I am starting to think about some other things:
1) I need to talk with the wife about the marital counselor. He called the other day but I haven't had time to call him back. I have been home for an hour and am leaving again in 8....and I am nervous to bring it up with her. I am nervous that she's going to refuse to honor her agreement to go. Apparently this guy does "time-limited" couples counseling with specific goals. Hearing about him and his program is actually what started me thinking about my own individual therapy.
2) I think I am ready to ask about/look into groups for adult survivors. The thing my buddy said last week that fucked me up so bad, even still, made me at first afraid of everyone, even the Doc (I don't know why I didn't want to tell her that in the email that she replied to...strangely...the other day). However, I NEED others who can empathize with my history and provide me some external support. I can't rely on the Doc forever and I don't want to overwhelm the wife all the time either.
3) Do something about "contacting my inner child." The Doc mentioned this before and I read again about it tonight. It sounds very weird to me...but it makes sense on this lower level. No one protected that kid. I should talk with him.
Anyway, I feel good now that I am home. It was like all the pressure of the world and my brain kind of disappeared. I really did miss my wife and kis. As much as I worry about the future of our marriage, I really do love this woman and don't want anyone else!!!
It's been a long couple of weeks. I am taking a trip with a friend this weekend....Driving NOT flying. I am looking forward to the break. However, it won't give me any time to read. I did have a row to myself the last leg of my flight today, and I did use that to read my Victims No Longer book. It made me think about a LOT of things. I think I need to reassess a few things based on some ideas I got from what I read tonight.
I think one thing I really need to do is talk with the Doc and reassess some things. So here's what I am thinking:
1) I don't know what my goals are anymore. So this is where to start. I keep reading/hearing the term time-limited therapy. I don't know if that's something that will sit well with me in regards to either the childhood trauma nor iraq.
- I've been thinking about this a lot though...
- Working on my fear/pain/guilt/anger of my past
- Working on my exposure therapy. Next appointment, I am going to sit in the most vulnerable spot
2) What is the best way to work towards those goals?
- Seems like recently I have been monopolizing sessions with talking about nothing but present stuff. Some of this is directly about how my past is fucking me mentally up in the present. But there is a lot of extraneous stuff.
3) I think I need to clarify with the Doc that I fully understand the "rules." I have a hard time talking with anyone even the Doc, and although I think I maybe contact her too much...it really only is when I feel like I have to. (This should be one of, or grouped in somehow, my goals). I think she knows that and is trying to get me to learn to better deal with things on my own. But sometimes her responses seem as though she has gotten exasperated with having to help me. I don't want to go down that path of thinking because then I wouldn't be able to trust her. I think this is where my anger yesterday came from, from worrying that the Doc is just tired of me and my neediness. One of the things I read didn't help...the book basically said that any good therapist should understand this neediness and/or the need that survivors have to latch on to people that help without costs.
On top of maybe working with the Doc to re-acquire some focus in my sessions. I am starting to think about some other things:
1) I need to talk with the wife about the marital counselor. He called the other day but I haven't had time to call him back. I have been home for an hour and am leaving again in 8....and I am nervous to bring it up with her. I am nervous that she's going to refuse to honor her agreement to go. Apparently this guy does "time-limited" couples counseling with specific goals. Hearing about him and his program is actually what started me thinking about my own individual therapy.
2) I think I am ready to ask about/look into groups for adult survivors. The thing my buddy said last week that fucked me up so bad, even still, made me at first afraid of everyone, even the Doc (I don't know why I didn't want to tell her that in the email that she replied to...strangely...the other day). However, I NEED others who can empathize with my history and provide me some external support. I can't rely on the Doc forever and I don't want to overwhelm the wife all the time either.
3) Do something about "contacting my inner child." The Doc mentioned this before and I read again about it tonight. It sounds very weird to me...but it makes sense on this lower level. No one protected that kid. I should talk with him.
Anyway, I feel good now that I am home. It was like all the pressure of the world and my brain kind of disappeared. I really did miss my wife and kis. As much as I worry about the future of our marriage, I really do love this woman and don't want anyone else!!!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
What am I really angry about today???
I tell myself, "self, you need to calm the fuck down!" And I mean it. This week I am on a fool's errand for work. However, there's been this thing...well a bunch to be honest...just bugging me. I say "bugging" and I think that this may be the best possible term.
So what is it that's got me angry today: my PTSD and my Therapy!!! So here's some bullets for me to be able to look at over time...kind of a "baseline"
- Since really digging in, and trying too move too fast maybe, on being raped multiple times as a child, I have really struggled with even the simplest tasks. Why???
- So many things remind me of those different times, or of Iraq, or of both!
- New memories come back frequently. Most anymore are small in impact. Some are HUGE! :-(
- I have 2 people that I can talk to who can ALSO provide some form of support more than typical friends.
- The wife....since I have been more open with her she has been really great 90% of the time
- The Doc. Until recently it has felt like since day 1 that she was their to honestly help me through all of this shit. Here is where part of my recent anger and sadness stems from.
- Last time I tried talking with a friend who "admitted" that he had similar problems as a child, that backfired fucking miserably. This basically set my mood and general well-being to "SHITTY". The subsequent air travel and driving really didn't fucking help. I think yesterday I was maybe two steps away from a figurative ledge and I don't want to be there.
I think I need to re-establish the communication pipe with the Doc, and soon. I could have been taking her email WAY out of context, but the overall impression was that the email was COLD, even if it was longer than her normal replies, and she really seemed to miss the point of why I emailed her what I did in the first place. Since she's one of the smartest people I know so there is some doubt that she completely missed the point in the email. Hence, since the point of the email was ignored in her response, and her response was focused on more on the things I need to do to ease her workload, I really walked away from reading it being pissed off at myself for being a nuisance yet AGAIN! Not sure how a conversation about this should/must go. Maybe I don't even need to have it....I could be wrong in my understanding of her responses and intent.
What are the things that are really pissing me off right now???:
- That I am again just a nuisance to the Doc. Not doing the whole specific discussion on how I KNOW she's the Doc, and VERY busy, and how I KNOW that just because I consider her a friend, doesn't mean that she thinks the same
- I am mad, I think, that she focused on the fact I emailed...nothing about what I emailed.
- That I have failed to remember the mindfulness stuff and have now been stuck in a downward spiralling cycle of blame for the childhood rape traumas I had to endure.
- I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO I AM!!!
- That the Doc doesn't seem to realize (again, based solely on my interpretation of her response this mornning) that I am just really fucked up now BECAUSE of where I am in the current therapy.
- That I think people have/do/mght think...Doc and the wife, at least, that I would put anything above my therapy in terms of priorities or wants. I MUST find a path forward that is going to ALLOW me to live!!! I might have the highest possible opinions of the Wife, the Doc, and of others who have/do tried to help. However, this does NOT mean that my opinions are more important to me than trying to get better...that is my focus.
I think the bottom line of my anger is that I FEEL OK with being all over the place and with definitely needing a LOT more reassurance right now....but I worry that the Doc has now either gotten too busy to be able to effectivly help, or that she no longer wants to help. I have a lot more pressing concerns than my therapy...but with all the other shit in my head right now...my therapy and its current future is a huge worry of mine right now. I CANNOT, and probably WILL NOT, move to a different Doc. It's the one I have or nothing....possibly regardless of the consequences to myself.
So what is it that's got me angry today: my PTSD and my Therapy!!! So here's some bullets for me to be able to look at over time...kind of a "baseline"
- Since really digging in, and trying too move too fast maybe, on being raped multiple times as a child, I have really struggled with even the simplest tasks. Why???
- So many things remind me of those different times, or of Iraq, or of both!
- New memories come back frequently. Most anymore are small in impact. Some are HUGE! :-(
- I have 2 people that I can talk to who can ALSO provide some form of support more than typical friends.
- The wife....since I have been more open with her she has been really great 90% of the time
- The Doc. Until recently it has felt like since day 1 that she was their to honestly help me through all of this shit. Here is where part of my recent anger and sadness stems from.
- Last time I tried talking with a friend who "admitted" that he had similar problems as a child, that backfired fucking miserably. This basically set my mood and general well-being to "SHITTY". The subsequent air travel and driving really didn't fucking help. I think yesterday I was maybe two steps away from a figurative ledge and I don't want to be there.
I think I need to re-establish the communication pipe with the Doc, and soon. I could have been taking her email WAY out of context, but the overall impression was that the email was COLD, even if it was longer than her normal replies, and she really seemed to miss the point of why I emailed her what I did in the first place. Since she's one of the smartest people I know so there is some doubt that she completely missed the point in the email. Hence, since the point of the email was ignored in her response, and her response was focused on more on the things I need to do to ease her workload, I really walked away from reading it being pissed off at myself for being a nuisance yet AGAIN! Not sure how a conversation about this should/must go. Maybe I don't even need to have it....I could be wrong in my understanding of her responses and intent.
What are the things that are really pissing me off right now???:
- That I am again just a nuisance to the Doc. Not doing the whole specific discussion on how I KNOW she's the Doc, and VERY busy, and how I KNOW that just because I consider her a friend, doesn't mean that she thinks the same
- I am mad, I think, that she focused on the fact I emailed...nothing about what I emailed.
- That I have failed to remember the mindfulness stuff and have now been stuck in a downward spiralling cycle of blame for the childhood rape traumas I had to endure.
- I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO I AM!!!
- That the Doc doesn't seem to realize (again, based solely on my interpretation of her response this mornning) that I am just really fucked up now BECAUSE of where I am in the current therapy.
- That I think people have/do/mght think...Doc and the wife, at least, that I would put anything above my therapy in terms of priorities or wants. I MUST find a path forward that is going to ALLOW me to live!!! I might have the highest possible opinions of the Wife, the Doc, and of others who have/do tried to help. However, this does NOT mean that my opinions are more important to me than trying to get better...that is my focus.
I think the bottom line of my anger is that I FEEL OK with being all over the place and with definitely needing a LOT more reassurance right now....but I worry that the Doc has now either gotten too busy to be able to effectivly help, or that she no longer wants to help. I have a lot more pressing concerns than my therapy...but with all the other shit in my head right now...my therapy and its current future is a huge worry of mine right now. I CANNOT, and probably WILL NOT, move to a different Doc. It's the one I have or nothing....possibly regardless of the consequences to myself.
Why is there so much confusion???
It's bad enough that non-verbal mediums that are used for communication have the distinct drawback of not being able to convey the emotion or mentality of the comment/speaker...or the listener. But when I couple this with all of the things I struggle with on a daily (hourly, or by the minute even) basis, it sometimes just makes my life shit. Complete and total and utter SHIT!!!! There are distinct reasons why I haven't killed myself when the pain inside and/or the guilt and self-hatred has become unbearable. Those reasons matter...a LOT. And I know that my life matters so at this point I have no intention of ending. Quite the opposite actually...I want/need to make my life better. Not my job or home or even family...nope...MY LIFE.
The day to day, hour to hour hell that I cycle in and out of on a random frequency; this is what I need to change. I need to find a way to start this change. :-(
What I know I need to do when my head gets fucked up or I get to amped:
- BREATHE...BREATHE...BREATHE. Mindfulness breathing...or at least how I think it's supposed to be done
- Talk with myself. Remember where I really am. Who I am with. What we are doing.
- Move around. Don't just sit there going in a downward spiral
- Try to shift focus. A point on the wall. Lyrics to a song I like. A task. Be careful here....this leads me to 80 hour work weeks.
- Write. Writing helps me. I know this. Why have I gotten lazy about this?
---WHAT ELSE can I add to this? What things can I learn to do automatically that will allow me to NOT get into those places like I am in this week.
What I know I need to work on with people around me:
- Remember who I am in each situation. What's my role in regards to who's around me...coworker, spouse, father, patient, customer, inquisitor?
- Remember that my wife CAN be very supportive and helpful...but I MUST be willing to share it with her. I have gotten better here I think. Somethings are just TOO hard to say out loud to ANYONE, even if they are driving me towards a dangerous precipice. The next hurdle with her will be the marriage counseling and if she actually goes. Bad news if she doesn't, but I think she will. I think she does, somewhere/time love me as much as I love her. I would hate for my marriage to her to end because of her bullshit temper or my crappy fucked up brain.
- Remember that I have friends with similar experiences. I DON'T have to agree with them always, but I can bounce shit off of them AND be there for them.
- Remember that my Doc isn't my "personal" Doc and they have other patients. I cannot monopolize all of her time with emails, texts, etc. I do think I have gotten a lot better here, although the dynamic has really seemed strange between us for a bit of time now. I am choosing to believe, most of the time, that it is because she is busy. However, I struggle a lot with the possibilities of: she's fucking tired of my bitch-ass, she thinks I am a piece of shit, she thinks I have gotten "too attached" to her (or maybe the other way, but I doubt that), she's overly frustrated with a lot of things and my annoying her just make me a target of her anger sometimes, etc.
What I know I need to work on in my brain:
- A LOT
- My focus. I have to maintain my focus...use that discipline I USED to have.
- Proper AND Pertinent thoughts. In addition to focus, I really need to work on not having the improper thoughts (and no not just sexual ones), but also to work on actually having the proper ones. Maybe some ADD here trying to fight with some OCD? WTFK's???
What do I know:
- I know my wife loves me and wants to help me
- I know I love my wife and will not just up and leave her for anyone else. IF the marriage were to ever end, then it would end only after every option was exhausted and because her and I just stopped getting along at all.
- I know my kids are my life. I need to not be so hard on them, or at least in a negative way.
- I didn't kill those people in Iraq, directly or indirectly
- I didn't ask those people to rape me or to degrade me or use me against anyone else
- Physical arousal is NOT the same thing as real arousal...a hard on doesn't mean the thought turns ME on...just that my body is having a normal reaction given the context.
- I know I do need someone to hold my hand a LOT more in recent months...and I am kinda OK with that. Although, as I think is above somewhere, I really have been feeling like the Doc is just tired of it.
- I know it's not my fault that my ex-friend hacked some of my accounts and tried starting some shit. I think, but I really have no proof, that this is what caused my buddy S to quit talking to me all together.
- I know I have to be willing to take more risks to trust more people.
- I know that I have to go back to being much more direct with people. I don't know when I started trying to be "nicer" to everone...but with the exception of my wife and kids, I think the damn gloves need to come back off and I need to be the direct guy I used to be.
The day to day, hour to hour hell that I cycle in and out of on a random frequency; this is what I need to change. I need to find a way to start this change. :-(
What I know I need to do when my head gets fucked up or I get to amped:
- BREATHE...BREATHE...BREATHE. Mindfulness breathing...or at least how I think it's supposed to be done
- Talk with myself. Remember where I really am. Who I am with. What we are doing.
- Move around. Don't just sit there going in a downward spiral
- Try to shift focus. A point on the wall. Lyrics to a song I like. A task. Be careful here....this leads me to 80 hour work weeks.
- Write. Writing helps me. I know this. Why have I gotten lazy about this?
---WHAT ELSE can I add to this? What things can I learn to do automatically that will allow me to NOT get into those places like I am in this week.
What I know I need to work on with people around me:
- Remember who I am in each situation. What's my role in regards to who's around me...coworker, spouse, father, patient, customer, inquisitor?
- Remember that my wife CAN be very supportive and helpful...but I MUST be willing to share it with her. I have gotten better here I think. Somethings are just TOO hard to say out loud to ANYONE, even if they are driving me towards a dangerous precipice. The next hurdle with her will be the marriage counseling and if she actually goes. Bad news if she doesn't, but I think she will. I think she does, somewhere/time love me as much as I love her. I would hate for my marriage to her to end because of her bullshit temper or my crappy fucked up brain.
- Remember that I have friends with similar experiences. I DON'T have to agree with them always, but I can bounce shit off of them AND be there for them.
- Remember that my Doc isn't my "personal" Doc and they have other patients. I cannot monopolize all of her time with emails, texts, etc. I do think I have gotten a lot better here, although the dynamic has really seemed strange between us for a bit of time now. I am choosing to believe, most of the time, that it is because she is busy. However, I struggle a lot with the possibilities of: she's fucking tired of my bitch-ass, she thinks I am a piece of shit, she thinks I have gotten "too attached" to her (or maybe the other way, but I doubt that), she's overly frustrated with a lot of things and my annoying her just make me a target of her anger sometimes, etc.
What I know I need to work on in my brain:
- A LOT
- My focus. I have to maintain my focus...use that discipline I USED to have.
- Proper AND Pertinent thoughts. In addition to focus, I really need to work on not having the improper thoughts (and no not just sexual ones), but also to work on actually having the proper ones. Maybe some ADD here trying to fight with some OCD? WTFK's???
What do I know:
- I know my wife loves me and wants to help me
- I know I love my wife and will not just up and leave her for anyone else. IF the marriage were to ever end, then it would end only after every option was exhausted and because her and I just stopped getting along at all.
- I know my kids are my life. I need to not be so hard on them, or at least in a negative way.
- I didn't kill those people in Iraq, directly or indirectly
- I didn't ask those people to rape me or to degrade me or use me against anyone else
- Physical arousal is NOT the same thing as real arousal...a hard on doesn't mean the thought turns ME on...just that my body is having a normal reaction given the context.
- I know I do need someone to hold my hand a LOT more in recent months...and I am kinda OK with that. Although, as I think is above somewhere, I really have been feeling like the Doc is just tired of it.
- I know it's not my fault that my ex-friend hacked some of my accounts and tried starting some shit. I think, but I really have no proof, that this is what caused my buddy S to quit talking to me all together.
- I know I have to be willing to take more risks to trust more people.
- I know that I have to go back to being much more direct with people. I don't know when I started trying to be "nicer" to everone...but with the exception of my wife and kids, I think the damn gloves need to come back off and I need to be the direct guy I used to be.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Sometimes Friends Hurt More than Help!!!!
I wanted to post this the other night...and probably should have just to vent since I haven't been able to write in my journal since then either. What happened was innocous, stupid! I made a comment about a chic that a friend had been seeing...I guess I kinda had/have a crush on her since I have this huge weekness for brunettes with glasses...but who doesn't, right?
Anyway, I made a comment about how hot she was or something along those lines. Apparently this was all he needed to start to tell me a story of one of their encounters. I could have cared less. Except when he started saying that she got miffed at him because he wouldn't let her go down on him, I called bullshit. I mean, I think I am pretty fucked up when it comes to sex, especially since EVERY time I have it anymore, I have to fight the memories of the screwed up shit from childhood away. However, when I am not being haunted by those events and those fucktards, I enjoy a blowjob as much as the next guy...and I told him this. I told him this thinking it would be more of a joke, especially since I was dropping him off and I just wanted to go home. However, I guess it wasn't!
He didn't get mad, which struck me as odd. He did say that he has never enjoyed them because of something in his past...this was news to me and I immediately thought that I might have found someone who understands this shit from having experienced that hell. I mean my Doc's the best, but I don't think she's had to go through anything like this, thank God! So I was kind of happy he said that in a selfish way, and I somewhat blurted that I had not 1 but 3 different trips to HELL as a kid. Before I could re-iterate that I do in fact like a good BJ (when my heads no in Hell!), he piped up that I should understand then...that anyone who goes through that involuntarily, especially a guy, doesn't like sex that much or at least not oral. I couldn't believe that! I didn't really argue though as now I just wanted to RUN. All the self-doubt and self-guilt and pain came back like THAT! Did I ask for this to happen??? No I don't think so! And I KNOW that and have WORKED on that! But him saying that was like telling me I was either lying about the events or that I must have wanted it in some way! What really made me mad when I got to thinking was that somewhere in there I mentioned a book that the Doc had recommended for male survivors of childhood sexual trauma/abuse. He said he HAD the same book and had already read the whole thing (which is more than I can say for me since the Doc slowed me down on things).
I don't think he was trying to say what I heard. Quite frankly he has a story for every last damn thing under the sun...so I was doubting him from the start. However, and this is the shitty part, it's been EATING me since that night. I was in SUCH a GOOD (not Great, but good) place until he said that!
Anyway, I made a comment about how hot she was or something along those lines. Apparently this was all he needed to start to tell me a story of one of their encounters. I could have cared less. Except when he started saying that she got miffed at him because he wouldn't let her go down on him, I called bullshit. I mean, I think I am pretty fucked up when it comes to sex, especially since EVERY time I have it anymore, I have to fight the memories of the screwed up shit from childhood away. However, when I am not being haunted by those events and those fucktards, I enjoy a blowjob as much as the next guy...and I told him this. I told him this thinking it would be more of a joke, especially since I was dropping him off and I just wanted to go home. However, I guess it wasn't!
He didn't get mad, which struck me as odd. He did say that he has never enjoyed them because of something in his past...this was news to me and I immediately thought that I might have found someone who understands this shit from having experienced that hell. I mean my Doc's the best, but I don't think she's had to go through anything like this, thank God! So I was kind of happy he said that in a selfish way, and I somewhat blurted that I had not 1 but 3 different trips to HELL as a kid. Before I could re-iterate that I do in fact like a good BJ (when my heads no in Hell!), he piped up that I should understand then...that anyone who goes through that involuntarily, especially a guy, doesn't like sex that much or at least not oral. I couldn't believe that! I didn't really argue though as now I just wanted to RUN. All the self-doubt and self-guilt and pain came back like THAT! Did I ask for this to happen??? No I don't think so! And I KNOW that and have WORKED on that! But him saying that was like telling me I was either lying about the events or that I must have wanted it in some way! What really made me mad when I got to thinking was that somewhere in there I mentioned a book that the Doc had recommended for male survivors of childhood sexual trauma/abuse. He said he HAD the same book and had already read the whole thing (which is more than I can say for me since the Doc slowed me down on things).
I don't think he was trying to say what I heard. Quite frankly he has a story for every last damn thing under the sun...so I was doubting him from the start. However, and this is the shitty part, it's been EATING me since that night. I was in SUCH a GOOD (not Great, but good) place until he said that!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
This was on a friends Facebook page today:
Dear VA,
Thank you so very much. I appreciate that the kid u assigned to draw my blood this morning was BRAND NEW to needles...much less actually using them. I also appreciate that it takes years to be denied a claim for the exact SAME thing the Army said didn't allow me to stay in uniform. But most of all this morning...I appreciate that despite a high serviced-connection rating, you not only bill the insurance company provided by my employer, but that you take an hour and a half to fill a prescription. This time spent waiting is great! I can watch all the unemployed/retired vets sign for their medicine and then...wait for it....STAY RIGHT HERE AND SOCIALIZE. This is awesome, and I get it. Putting 30 little pills in a bottle is hard and since my service connection AND my insurance pay for them, it only makes sense that I should be made to wait in order to assure quality of your efforts and my money's worth!
I love that I have served my country in 2 different branches including war and now I get to do the same as I have been sitting here so long I am thinking a paycheck will be sent to me from you, while probably ticking off my boss, in a civillian uniform.
Ever so slightly annoyed,
ME
Thank you so very much. I appreciate that the kid u assigned to draw my blood this morning was BRAND NEW to needles...much less actually using them. I also appreciate that it takes years to be denied a claim for the exact SAME thing the Army said didn't allow me to stay in uniform. But most of all this morning...I appreciate that despite a high serviced-connection rating, you not only bill the insurance company provided by my employer, but that you take an hour and a half to fill a prescription. This time spent waiting is great! I can watch all the unemployed/retired vets sign for their medicine and then...wait for it....STAY RIGHT HERE AND SOCIALIZE. This is awesome, and I get it. Putting 30 little pills in a bottle is hard and since my service connection AND my insurance pay for them, it only makes sense that I should be made to wait in order to assure quality of your efforts and my money's worth!
I love that I have served my country in 2 different branches including war and now I get to do the same as I have been sitting here so long I am thinking a paycheck will be sent to me from you, while probably ticking off my boss, in a civillian uniform.
Ever so slightly annoyed,
ME
--letter end---
How many times can the VA Fuck up??? Why in the name of God is it allowed to continue? Is it just because of the size of the VA? Or is it because of the are my VA is in? I get this letter, and it sounds very similar to my own experiences. At the VA around here, it's bullshit!!! If I didn't like any of my Doc's, I probably wouldn't even fucking go!!! I wonder if the problem with the VA isn't actually an issue based on the actual quality (or dare I say lack thereof) of the veterans themselves, the simple fact that the VA is a HUGE government cesspool, or some combination thereof. I don't normally complain about other vets in general...unless they really fucking piss me off!
I will complain about this though: The reverse-racism is so fucking bad in this town that it is even very noticable at times with some of the pieces of shit that work at the VA here. I have the utmost respect for the boys and girls from earlier wars and the shit that they went through, ESPECIALLY the vets from 'Nam. However, that does not mean that I feel that I have to kiss their fucking ass just because they are Veitnam Vets and and black, whereas I am younger and whiter than them! It's 2011...how about everyone, black, white, or otherwise...just get the FUCK OFF of the minority rights shit. I mean really, if it happened 200 years ago...it didn't personally happen to you. So deal with what DID actually happen to you, live in peace with others, don't antagonize when possible, and GET THE FUCK OFF OF THE RACIAL SOAPBOXES!!!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Missed family support group today...BUMMER
Another reason why I don't do a lot to make this blog public is so I can somewhat write about my group and therapy and the people around me who piss me off...and I am not announcing anyone's business!
Sometimes though I wish I could make this public and include my fellow vets. Not that I have anything of value to offer them...but I know other's can offer good advice and tell me where I am fucking up. It's the opinions and lessons learned of the other vets, especially the Vietnam vets I've grown close to in group, those opinions that I have learned to really listen to. The Doc is awesome, but my fellow vets really put a point on a lot of things and basically drive home the things the Doc says in session and in group.
Today was family support group. Today I was actually going to "shanghai" my wife a little bit. The format of the group has changed from being vets with spouses to vets and spouses. Family group has changed to where the vets go with one therapist to a different room and the spouses (all women in this group) meet with the Doc. My wife doesn't know that this is a set-in-stone change, and due to the recent (over a year) issues of us trying to work things out (or at least me trying to be better while putting up with her fucked up temper), I think it would be good for her to be in that room and see what the other wives have to say. Granted, they are all at least 20 years older then her...but that to me sounds like experience. I also think that the Doc might actually lead some of the coversation towards a generalization of the major issue I have been having with my wife...at least she's done it to me in therapy about other things.
I doesn't matter now though. The wife was sick and the kids were home early and the job needed me there later than I needed to leave to make group. I am sad I missed it though. I miss those guys and hanging out with them...sharing shit and going through stuff. I have only been to a couple of groups since July and our quarterly outing was cancelled due to an emergency.
But...I am feeling OK today! :-)
Sometimes though I wish I could make this public and include my fellow vets. Not that I have anything of value to offer them...but I know other's can offer good advice and tell me where I am fucking up. It's the opinions and lessons learned of the other vets, especially the Vietnam vets I've grown close to in group, those opinions that I have learned to really listen to. The Doc is awesome, but my fellow vets really put a point on a lot of things and basically drive home the things the Doc says in session and in group.
Today was family support group. Today I was actually going to "shanghai" my wife a little bit. The format of the group has changed from being vets with spouses to vets and spouses. Family group has changed to where the vets go with one therapist to a different room and the spouses (all women in this group) meet with the Doc. My wife doesn't know that this is a set-in-stone change, and due to the recent (over a year) issues of us trying to work things out (or at least me trying to be better while putting up with her fucked up temper), I think it would be good for her to be in that room and see what the other wives have to say. Granted, they are all at least 20 years older then her...but that to me sounds like experience. I also think that the Doc might actually lead some of the coversation towards a generalization of the major issue I have been having with my wife...at least she's done it to me in therapy about other things.
I doesn't matter now though. The wife was sick and the kids were home early and the job needed me there later than I needed to leave to make group. I am sad I missed it though. I miss those guys and hanging out with them...sharing shit and going through stuff. I have only been to a couple of groups since July and our quarterly outing was cancelled due to an emergency.
But...I am feeling OK today! :-)
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Taking a risk in Therapy
I think that there are a LOT of stupid things that one can do while in therapy. A LOT! I also believe the therapy process to be one of tradeoffs over time. Tonight I made a tradeoff that I hope wasn't a terrible risk that ends up hurting more than helping. I copied one of my more recent, and more important, posts from here and sent to my Doc for feedback.
The post I sent was the one I made prior to this one...with some scrubbing of course. Some of what was in the post was not germane to my hope of feedback. However, just sending the post makes it more possible for the Doc or anyone who reads it (God forbid she shares it, even anonymously) to actually search for and find this blog. Quite frankly I have enjoyed checking the stats and seeing that I am the only one actually visiting the site. I guess this doesn't rule out RSS Feeds, but that's a small risk as I am pretty sure nothing I write here is of any value to anyone else. HOWEVER, I think that there are some things here that if read by some of my friends, my kids, my wife, or the Doc, would cause me some hassle, at a minimum. Thus the risk! I don't believe it was a stupid choice, but time will tell.
Why did I send it to her? Why did I even mention it? In today's session I explained to her why I have been in such a good mood and what caused me to have some epiphanies/revelations last week. It was that post. It was adding to that post and re-reading the entire thing. It was reading that post out LOUD to myself in my hotel room last week. It was the feeling the anger at those who RAPED and used me WITHOUT feeling the anger and guilt at myself. Sure, that's still there, in me deep and probably will be for a long time. BUT I didn't have to own it while I got mad at these "people" who abused me and I didn't have to accept blame for something I couldn't control. So all that said, I think that since I really appreciate the Doc's point of view on things and level-headed way of examining things, I think her feedback on that post (the edited version that is) will be good AS WELL AS Helpful in my overall recovery process.
I realized a long time ago that there are tradeoffs in every relationship: professional, casual, and personal. In therapy I believe that there has to be a tradeoff of attachments, connections, investments, and emotions. I think my Doc is the best because she seems to invest 100% into each session and because she's willing to call me on my shit. I think that she also has to bear the brunt of the tradeoff. When I disclose the things that traumatized me from Iraq and when I disclose those disgusting events of my childhood, she get's it stuck in her brain, along with all of the other horror stories from all of the other vets that she treats. The tradeoff I think for her is two-fold: 1) in investing herself in the therapy process and doctor/patient relationship, she has to give up a bit of herself and "take on" some or all of the painful mental images of her patients, and 2) she has to, I think anyway, constantly battle a balance between what to say and when to say it in order to avoid a multitude of possible problems such as a patient getting too emotionally attached, a patient feeling threatened enough to react against her, or a even the possible risks of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time or having a statement or interpretation missinterpretted. (sp?)
I think though that as a patient, I also have tradeoffs that I have to go through. One of these is that of attachment. I think, or I hope, that it is normal for a patient to develop an attachment to their doctor, whether it be a romantic one, a friendship one, an enabling/co-dependent one, some combination of these, or others. I know for me personally I have gone through a few of these over different times: I had to convince myself of different assumptions about the Doc in order to seriously avoid thinking of her in sexual ways, I thought I was in love with her at one point, and I thought that we could be really good friends forever (especially since I do try to keep those friendships that are GREAT active). I have come to some conclusions on the tradeoffs though: I absolutely cannot think about the Doc in sexual terms...I know I tried a few times a while ago and just COULDN'T do it...which was strange, I absolutely cannot be "in love" with the Doc (while I admit to having quite strong feelings for her, it's definitely not anything I allow myself to focus on nor is it the stereotypical "in love with my doc" shit...guess it's more of just a love for the Doc...more than like that for a sister but I also don't allow to be sexual or romantic either), and I don't think that if she stays at the VA that we could actually be friends due to stupid fucking ethics. Quite frankly, and it's selfish, but I am OK with her just being the Doc that I have a one-way friendship with due to ethics and other constraints....I NEED the therapy WAY more than anything else right now. So I guess that's the tradeoff I have to make off in order to have a successful therapy process and although I hate the fact that I eventually loose her as a friend (probably my best), it's the way it has to be in order for me to get past all the hell in my head.
Wow...this post was WAY longer than I intended. Not even sure if I covered what I meant to: that I took a risk and sent a somewhat-scrubbed version of the previous post on here to my Doc because I think that one really needs her feedback because of the fact it allowed/inspired me to say out loud the things that happened to me as a child. AND, that I just wanted to remind myself that there are tradeoffs in my therapy and as awesome as I think the Doc is, the therapy/friendship/whatever has to end at some point and probably with some finality...bummer but life I guess.
The post I sent was the one I made prior to this one...with some scrubbing of course. Some of what was in the post was not germane to my hope of feedback. However, just sending the post makes it more possible for the Doc or anyone who reads it (God forbid she shares it, even anonymously) to actually search for and find this blog. Quite frankly I have enjoyed checking the stats and seeing that I am the only one actually visiting the site. I guess this doesn't rule out RSS Feeds, but that's a small risk as I am pretty sure nothing I write here is of any value to anyone else. HOWEVER, I think that there are some things here that if read by some of my friends, my kids, my wife, or the Doc, would cause me some hassle, at a minimum. Thus the risk! I don't believe it was a stupid choice, but time will tell.
Why did I send it to her? Why did I even mention it? In today's session I explained to her why I have been in such a good mood and what caused me to have some epiphanies/revelations last week. It was that post. It was adding to that post and re-reading the entire thing. It was reading that post out LOUD to myself in my hotel room last week. It was the feeling the anger at those who RAPED and used me WITHOUT feeling the anger and guilt at myself. Sure, that's still there, in me deep and probably will be for a long time. BUT I didn't have to own it while I got mad at these "people" who abused me and I didn't have to accept blame for something I couldn't control. So all that said, I think that since I really appreciate the Doc's point of view on things and level-headed way of examining things, I think her feedback on that post (the edited version that is) will be good AS WELL AS Helpful in my overall recovery process.
I realized a long time ago that there are tradeoffs in every relationship: professional, casual, and personal. In therapy I believe that there has to be a tradeoff of attachments, connections, investments, and emotions. I think my Doc is the best because she seems to invest 100% into each session and because she's willing to call me on my shit. I think that she also has to bear the brunt of the tradeoff. When I disclose the things that traumatized me from Iraq and when I disclose those disgusting events of my childhood, she get's it stuck in her brain, along with all of the other horror stories from all of the other vets that she treats. The tradeoff I think for her is two-fold: 1) in investing herself in the therapy process and doctor/patient relationship, she has to give up a bit of herself and "take on" some or all of the painful mental images of her patients, and 2) she has to, I think anyway, constantly battle a balance between what to say and when to say it in order to avoid a multitude of possible problems such as a patient getting too emotionally attached, a patient feeling threatened enough to react against her, or a even the possible risks of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time or having a statement or interpretation missinterpretted. (sp?)
I think though that as a patient, I also have tradeoffs that I have to go through. One of these is that of attachment. I think, or I hope, that it is normal for a patient to develop an attachment to their doctor, whether it be a romantic one, a friendship one, an enabling/co-dependent one, some combination of these, or others. I know for me personally I have gone through a few of these over different times: I had to convince myself of different assumptions about the Doc in order to seriously avoid thinking of her in sexual ways, I thought I was in love with her at one point, and I thought that we could be really good friends forever (especially since I do try to keep those friendships that are GREAT active). I have come to some conclusions on the tradeoffs though: I absolutely cannot think about the Doc in sexual terms...I know I tried a few times a while ago and just COULDN'T do it...which was strange, I absolutely cannot be "in love" with the Doc (while I admit to having quite strong feelings for her, it's definitely not anything I allow myself to focus on nor is it the stereotypical "in love with my doc" shit...guess it's more of just a love for the Doc...more than like that for a sister but I also don't allow to be sexual or romantic either), and I don't think that if she stays at the VA that we could actually be friends due to stupid fucking ethics. Quite frankly, and it's selfish, but I am OK with her just being the Doc that I have a one-way friendship with due to ethics and other constraints....I NEED the therapy WAY more than anything else right now. So I guess that's the tradeoff I have to make off in order to have a successful therapy process and although I hate the fact that I eventually loose her as a friend (probably my best), it's the way it has to be in order for me to get past all the hell in my head.
Wow...this post was WAY longer than I intended. Not even sure if I covered what I meant to: that I took a risk and sent a somewhat-scrubbed version of the previous post on here to my Doc because I think that one really needs her feedback because of the fact it allowed/inspired me to say out loud the things that happened to me as a child. AND, that I just wanted to remind myself that there are tradeoffs in my therapy and as awesome as I think the Doc is, the therapy/friendship/whatever has to end at some point and probably with some finality...bummer but life I guess.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Stupid PTSD, STUPID ME
Sometimes I have to wonder why...WHY...WWWHHHHYYYY? I mean, how is it some people fought right next to me, almost literally in Iraq, and aren't bothered at all by that shit. I hear a bass drum at a concert and it just takes me back to all the incoming rounds landing around me, blowing shit...and people...all to hell!!! I have been told that my childhood sexual trauma is a BIG reason why Iraq affected me so. I spent most of my life trying...and for the most part succeeding, to forget everything that happened back then. Hell, I had all but forgotten EVERYTHING until the shit from Iraq messed up the grey area in between my fucking ears.
I have been in therapy for now almost two, TWO years. I knew that if I didnt go, I would become one of those older vets who does really violent and stupid shit. Hell, I had even forgotten about three suicide plans (and one partial attempt that I had seriously worked out...only told the Doc one though for some reason) I mean, I SEE the temper and I know the thoughts I have when I am pissed...and I see the dumbass ideas I get when I am amped up. I wonder how many other vets are on the freeway, get in "that place" and just floor the fucking gas peddle. Who in that situation doesn't want to feel the fucking the rush of the cars getting passed and the quiet knowledge that it wouldn't take much at all...just a slight jerk of the wheel...to end all of the fucking misery.
I think I still apply that same process to too many things. I mean, I have learned a LOT in therapy and I really try to use it. But then there's those days, or even weeks, when everything goes out the window and I get sooooo fucked/jacked/amped/twisted up in hell. At this point, I am starting to think that maybe I did have a little more than the usual bad stuff happen to me when I was younger...like maybe I am a little bit unique in my own hell. I sure as shit don't think I am better than anyone and I certainly don't deserve any more attention than the next guy. Hell, there are vets that MOST DEFINITELY have earned more respect and need for attention than I could even fathom. I mean, what did I do...I got some guys killed, I didn't kill a specific insurgent teenager when I had the perfect chance (getting even more killed), I took a lot of rounds that missed me by the grace of God or a gust of wind, and I looked at too many fucked up bodies from explosions (although I say that a body that's been sitting for a few days in the heat HAS to be worse than one that just got dismembered from a friggin mortar round). Ohh..and there's the fact that at three...THREE...different times in my childhood(ages 4-5, 6-7, and 9-10) I was used as a fuck-hole for too many people. Raped! I was RAPED more than once by more than once person. I was RAPED with fingers, toys, and a bunch of asshole's cocks. Sometimes I can feel that pain now...I remember that it never didn't hurt during the younger times and I am sickened that I have memories of kind of liking that shit while the last couple was raping her daughter and me. I went through six months or so of puberty while learning yet again how to suck men and eat women and how to have sex myself. First time I ever "measured" myself was because that barmaid bitch told me to...that was the first time I ever really thought about how long or fat I was. That stupid bitch was obsessed with comparing me to her fucking boyfriend...she made it a game and I somewhat believe that she was the one in charge. She made him so pissed one time when she said I was "fatter" then him. How fucked up is it that I was proud of that...they are MAKING me fuck and suck them and her daughter and I was starting to like it and starting to get proud of my dick and taking pride in the fucked up shit I was "learning" how to do. Sometimes I WANTED to go down the street to that fucking black house. I wished my dick didn't work back then or that I would've cut it off. Then her cigarette breath would have never affected it!!! Some days it is SOOO hard to feel like a man when I realized that the only people probably fucked more in the ass and mouth than me are the gonzo porn chics. Probably not really true but it fucking feels like it!!!!!!! Doesn't help that I went though spurts of time where I thought I was gay or bi. Not attracted to guys, but sometimes the idea of some specific things makes me way too excited sometimes. Especially when that same idea is a reminder of the things I had to do as a kid...a reminder of this shit. I think the middle stuff was the worst because that bitch and her husband were definitely fucking psycho...but I am not sure that some bondage, s&m, and rape is worse than the mini-orgies and the fucking fantasies that I still find myself having that almost mimic the same positions and actions. Oh, if I could find those motherfuckers...every last fucking one of them!!! How's that for honestly...which brings me to my stupidity.
I could be doing something valuable like working on stuff for this course I am in or doing homework that is due tonight...but nope. I am paying my homework only a little attention while I dig around on the TV, look for decent porn, and ponder drinking way too much scotch. Too much scotch...I think with my medication that ANY scotch is too much. But given the fact that I NEVER feel drunk from scotch UNLESS I have had too much....I wouldn't know I had too much until I had too much. Of course that would be bad for a bunch of reasons! I have had so many stupid ideas tonight it's a wonder that suicide is the only thing I haven't thought about. I mean, I don't want to die...not sure I wan't to "be"...but I don't want to be dead. How much easier would things be if my doc just locked me up for the rest of my life??? Unfortunately, I have the kids, so a long-term lock up would definitely result in a mass homicide and a suicide. But, my life feels so SOOO fucked right now that sometimes I really wish she would lock me up. I don't think I could effectively lie to her, so I don't think there's anything shy of "please lock me up" that I could say to her...especially since getting "locked up" would cost me my job and other things. What a fucking bummer!!!! How come we as a society can't have mental health week on a bi-annual basis? I mean I have this DRIVE to be the BEST at what I do at work...but personally I am just sooo fucking drained most of the time.
So why do I want to run? Why am I not using my tools effectively? Why do I feel like I am regressing? I have NO idea. A part of me thinks that I feel "comfortable" in my misery, but a part of my thinks it needs to be gone like yesterday and that I need to start LIVING. But then it's like there are all these things against me in my personal life: I have a wife I trust maybe 20% of the time to be supportive, I ha I have the same Doc who I wish didn't have so many damn patients, I have a memory that doesn't seem to want to remind me of the tools when I need them most, and I seem to have just plain gotten lazy with little drive to better myself personally. I seem to put all of my efforts into professional development and keeping my wife from exploding. Doesn't seem right on some level I guess!!!!!!!!
I guess I am going to go to sleep...maybe that's the only right answer for today and tomorrow I will have some fucking epiphany. Who the fuck knows!!!! I do know that I don't want to deal with any bullshit tonight...which is probably a good reason to contact the Doc...but NOT doing that either. But on the flip side of the "talking to people" thing, I still have to tell my kids goodnight and talk to my wife.
I have been in therapy for now almost two, TWO years. I knew that if I didnt go, I would become one of those older vets who does really violent and stupid shit. Hell, I had even forgotten about three suicide plans (and one partial attempt that I had seriously worked out...only told the Doc one though for some reason) I mean, I SEE the temper and I know the thoughts I have when I am pissed...and I see the dumbass ideas I get when I am amped up. I wonder how many other vets are on the freeway, get in "that place" and just floor the fucking gas peddle. Who in that situation doesn't want to feel the fucking the rush of the cars getting passed and the quiet knowledge that it wouldn't take much at all...just a slight jerk of the wheel...to end all of the fucking misery.
I think I still apply that same process to too many things. I mean, I have learned a LOT in therapy and I really try to use it. But then there's those days, or even weeks, when everything goes out the window and I get sooooo fucked/jacked/amped/twisted up in hell. At this point, I am starting to think that maybe I did have a little more than the usual bad stuff happen to me when I was younger...like maybe I am a little bit unique in my own hell. I sure as shit don't think I am better than anyone and I certainly don't deserve any more attention than the next guy. Hell, there are vets that MOST DEFINITELY have earned more respect and need for attention than I could even fathom. I mean, what did I do...I got some guys killed, I didn't kill a specific insurgent teenager when I had the perfect chance (getting even more killed), I took a lot of rounds that missed me by the grace of God or a gust of wind, and I looked at too many fucked up bodies from explosions (although I say that a body that's been sitting for a few days in the heat HAS to be worse than one that just got dismembered from a friggin mortar round). Ohh..and there's the fact that at three...THREE...different times in my childhood(ages 4-5, 6-7, and 9-10) I was used as a fuck-hole for too many people. Raped! I was RAPED more than once by more than once person. I was RAPED with fingers, toys, and a bunch of asshole's cocks. Sometimes I can feel that pain now...I remember that it never didn't hurt during the younger times and I am sickened that I have memories of kind of liking that shit while the last couple was raping her daughter and me. I went through six months or so of puberty while learning yet again how to suck men and eat women and how to have sex myself. First time I ever "measured" myself was because that barmaid bitch told me to...that was the first time I ever really thought about how long or fat I was. That stupid bitch was obsessed with comparing me to her fucking boyfriend...she made it a game and I somewhat believe that she was the one in charge. She made him so pissed one time when she said I was "fatter" then him. How fucked up is it that I was proud of that...they are MAKING me fuck and suck them and her daughter and I was starting to like it and starting to get proud of my dick and taking pride in the fucked up shit I was "learning" how to do. Sometimes I WANTED to go down the street to that fucking black house. I wished my dick didn't work back then or that I would've cut it off. Then her cigarette breath would have never affected it!!! Some days it is SOOO hard to feel like a man when I realized that the only people probably fucked more in the ass and mouth than me are the gonzo porn chics. Probably not really true but it fucking feels like it!!!!!!! Doesn't help that I went though spurts of time where I thought I was gay or bi. Not attracted to guys, but sometimes the idea of some specific things makes me way too excited sometimes. Especially when that same idea is a reminder of the things I had to do as a kid...a reminder of this shit. I think the middle stuff was the worst because that bitch and her husband were definitely fucking psycho...but I am not sure that some bondage, s&m, and rape is worse than the mini-orgies and the fucking fantasies that I still find myself having that almost mimic the same positions and actions. Oh, if I could find those motherfuckers...every last fucking one of them!!! How's that for honestly...which brings me to my stupidity.
I could be doing something valuable like working on stuff for this course I am in or doing homework that is due tonight...but nope. I am paying my homework only a little attention while I dig around on the TV, look for decent porn, and ponder drinking way too much scotch. Too much scotch...I think with my medication that ANY scotch is too much. But given the fact that I NEVER feel drunk from scotch UNLESS I have had too much....I wouldn't know I had too much until I had too much. Of course that would be bad for a bunch of reasons! I have had so many stupid ideas tonight it's a wonder that suicide is the only thing I haven't thought about. I mean, I don't want to die...not sure I wan't to "be"...but I don't want to be dead. How much easier would things be if my doc just locked me up for the rest of my life??? Unfortunately, I have the kids, so a long-term lock up would definitely result in a mass homicide and a suicide. But, my life feels so SOOO fucked right now that sometimes I really wish she would lock me up. I don't think I could effectively lie to her, so I don't think there's anything shy of "please lock me up" that I could say to her...especially since getting "locked up" would cost me my job and other things. What a fucking bummer!!!! How come we as a society can't have mental health week on a bi-annual basis? I mean I have this DRIVE to be the BEST at what I do at work...but personally I am just sooo fucking drained most of the time.
So why do I want to run? Why am I not using my tools effectively? Why do I feel like I am regressing? I have NO idea. A part of me thinks that I feel "comfortable" in my misery, but a part of my thinks it needs to be gone like yesterday and that I need to start LIVING. But then it's like there are all these things against me in my personal life: I have a wife I trust maybe 20% of the time to be supportive, I ha I have the same Doc who I wish didn't have so many damn patients, I have a memory that doesn't seem to want to remind me of the tools when I need them most, and I seem to have just plain gotten lazy with little drive to better myself personally. I seem to put all of my efforts into professional development and keeping my wife from exploding. Doesn't seem right on some level I guess!!!!!!!!
I guess I am going to go to sleep...maybe that's the only right answer for today and tomorrow I will have some fucking epiphany. Who the fuck knows!!!! I do know that I don't want to deal with any bullshit tonight...which is probably a good reason to contact the Doc...but NOT doing that either. But on the flip side of the "talking to people" thing, I still have to tell my kids goodnight and talk to my wife.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Associating my wife with hell????
My wife and I have been having some really stupid but fucked up arguments as of late. The bottom line has been that she believes that "if [I] inists she see a counselor about who she's become then I can just leave." This was only part of the argument. A lot my complaints with her revolve CONSISTENTLY around her constantly shitty temper and the yelling.
I HATE yelling and I do it myself ONLY as a LAST option before using my fists t settle something. Yelling has a VERY strong ability to trigger ALL of my trauma from my childhood as well as some of the incidents from Iraq. So, yelling kind of ALWAYS takes me back to that hell of being raped as a child...EVERY time! Since I have started explicitly working this trauma with the Doc, my reaction has worsened! It's even been so bad as to cause me problems when a specific group member looses his temper. It's like an isntant flashback trigger. Now, my wife has been kind of the same.
So this past Monday we had this continuation of the fight and she was yelling. She later gave me her "apology" in the form of a hug and a dirty joke. Shortly after that, she wanted sex. So I had sex with her.
I am sure that I only go hard was due to being physically horny. I was able to get into us having sex but I had to fight a lot of shit from when I was hurt as a kid. It might be germane to note that we JUST had sex...some oral and grouping and kissing and them me on top. However, she had asked to get some of our "things" and to 69 with her. I would normally be OK that, even like it, but it seemed like everything she did or wanted just triggerd more memories of hell!!!
This wouldn't have been if it was just one night. However, happeded that night and then again Thursday. And that wasn't the worst part. What was the worst was actually 2 things...equally horrible: 1) My nightares have been horrible since Monday night, and 2) EVERYTIME I have been around her this last week and looked at, I either see those fucker's face or I see her face on the necks of those who raped me!!!!!
The Doc was helpful, even if she did have to miss my second appointment for the week this past Friday. However, I am falling asleep typing this so I will have to update or post a part II. The only good news is that I am out of town for a week, so I don't need a solution this very exact second.
I HATE yelling and I do it myself ONLY as a LAST option before using my fists t settle something. Yelling has a VERY strong ability to trigger ALL of my trauma from my childhood as well as some of the incidents from Iraq. So, yelling kind of ALWAYS takes me back to that hell of being raped as a child...EVERY time! Since I have started explicitly working this trauma with the Doc, my reaction has worsened! It's even been so bad as to cause me problems when a specific group member looses his temper. It's like an isntant flashback trigger. Now, my wife has been kind of the same.
So this past Monday we had this continuation of the fight and she was yelling. She later gave me her "apology" in the form of a hug and a dirty joke. Shortly after that, she wanted sex. So I had sex with her.
I am sure that I only go hard was due to being physically horny. I was able to get into us having sex but I had to fight a lot of shit from when I was hurt as a kid. It might be germane to note that we JUST had sex...some oral and grouping and kissing and them me on top. However, she had asked to get some of our "things" and to 69 with her. I would normally be OK that, even like it, but it seemed like everything she did or wanted just triggerd more memories of hell!!!
This wouldn't have been if it was just one night. However, happeded that night and then again Thursday. And that wasn't the worst part. What was the worst was actually 2 things...equally horrible: 1) My nightares have been horrible since Monday night, and 2) EVERYTIME I have been around her this last week and looked at, I either see those fucker's face or I see her face on the necks of those who raped me!!!!!
The Doc was helpful, even if she did have to miss my second appointment for the week this past Friday. However, I am falling asleep typing this so I will have to update or post a part II. The only good news is that I am out of town for a week, so I don't need a solution this very exact second.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Blogger App for iOS and Droid
I don't like the iPhone...or ANYTHING made by those bastards at Apple. Actually, there MIGHT be some OK people there. But I digress.
In any event, I saw this posting about a new Blogger app for the iOS and Droid. As a blogger myself, and a huge supporter of Droid, I thought it would be good somewhat relavent to support this one.
The post:
http://buzz.blogger.com/2011/09/announcing-blogger-app-for-ios.html
In any event, I saw this posting about a new Blogger app for the iOS and Droid. As a blogger myself, and a huge supporter of Droid, I thought it would be good somewhat relavent to support this one.
The post:
http://buzz.blogger.com/2011/09/announcing-blogger-app-for-ios.html
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Unwinding and Focus
The last two weeks have been really rough in terms of nightmares and fighting with the wife and just a SHITLOAD of triggers. The Doc made some really good, but tough, comments on an interaction that she witnessed months ago between my wife and my kids and my kids and I. The gist was that I needed to remember that I learned a lot of wrong things as a child due to my trauma, only to be punctuated by Iraq, and that I should pay more attention to how I teach and talk with my children. There was a lot more to it, but that's a whole different post. One good final point that she made was that I should/could change my focus from being so obsessed about the recent nightmares/triggers, and to think more on how I am raising my children. So for the last couple of days, that has actually helped a lot. I did send a text message to tell her thanks...no reply, but that's to be expected I guess. One thing that struck me as odd...I have kinda thought for a while that I could tell sometimes that the Doc had more she wanted to say at this or that point/session...and her waiting quite a few months to mention this I think is evidence of that. She really is a great Doc and I told her that there wasn't a whole lot that she could say to piss me off. Her reply was to the affect of that she thinks a lot about the timing of things, including things she says to her patients.
Tonight we had some friends over for BBQ and beer. I only had a couple of beers....didn't want to get shitfaced and some of our friends were being VERY loud and a little too dirty for the younger ears in the house. Had a good time but by 9pm I was just ready for a quiet house. Between shopping today and a LOT of fucking pain in my lower legs, I was kind of on edge most of the day. It was however really great to just kind of kick back and hang with some friends. The last two weeks had been SO bad that I was really going south mentally and just fucking hating life. I wasn't even all that happy to go see the Doc, which usually brightens my week unless I know I am doing exposure therapy stuff that day. But the comments she made really made me take pause about my focus and about my children. I feel like I just want to tell everyone how I feel and what they mean to me...the few I actually give a fuck about anyway. Maybe I could just write some letters that maybe one day I could send?
Tonight we had some friends over for BBQ and beer. I only had a couple of beers....didn't want to get shitfaced and some of our friends were being VERY loud and a little too dirty for the younger ears in the house. Had a good time but by 9pm I was just ready for a quiet house. Between shopping today and a LOT of fucking pain in my lower legs, I was kind of on edge most of the day. It was however really great to just kind of kick back and hang with some friends. The last two weeks had been SO bad that I was really going south mentally and just fucking hating life. I wasn't even all that happy to go see the Doc, which usually brightens my week unless I know I am doing exposure therapy stuff that day. But the comments she made really made me take pause about my focus and about my children. I feel like I just want to tell everyone how I feel and what they mean to me...the few I actually give a fuck about anyway. Maybe I could just write some letters that maybe one day I could send?
PTSD App for Android
Decent app for the droid:
http://www.appbrain.com/app/ptsd-support-for-veterans/com.mobileroadie.app_718
Trying to get to the actual site for the app is crap...but the app is an ok way to vent or check in or to find resources.
http://www.appbrain.com/app/ptsd-support-for-veterans/com.mobileroadie.app_718
Trying to get to the actual site for the app is crap...but the app is an ok way to vent or check in or to find resources.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
PTSD and my wife
There has been, for some time now, this strange phenomenom in my household: If I speak VERY highly of my wife while being away from home, she is a complete bitch at home but if I speak poorly of her away from home, she's fucking awesome when I get home. This happens CONSISTENTLY like a poor joke.
So tonight she was being bitchy, kinda anyway, and she has been for about 5 days now (this does coincide with good ol' Aunt Flo coming to visit...EVERY fucking month!!!) As we were leaving the rib shack tonight after dinner, she asked if I wanted to go to Lowe's to get some blinds for the house (we need 2 last sets). I had told her no, that I just wanted to get home. Her response was that I "never want to be around people" and that she's "getting sick of it." WTF??? She knows that I don't do good in crowds and that I have already been having a rough 10 or so days due to a bunch of fucking nightmares. So what does this have to do with my original comments above???
Today the Doc made some rather pointed, but correct, comments regarding my wife and I and how she (the Doc) thought about how we were treating our children. She pointed out some things that I have noticed in how I talk to my son...maybe a little to "toughly"...and it's actually somehting that I hav been thinking about for some time now. However, she also mentioned how my wife was treating (being hard on) one of my daughters. The Doc actually referenced the possibility (fact?!) that my wife has piss-poor self-esteem(my words) due to her own weight problem and health. On top of that we talked aobut my feelings about my marriage and how 50% of the time, I just want OUT!!!I don't know if I would feel this way if my wife had a move even-keel (normal) temper and better self-esteem. I do know that it's something I was thinking of LONG before the Doc said anything.
Sometimes I think that she is way too good for me...sometimes I think I am way too ogood for her. I DO love her, deeply, which is probably the biggest reason why I stay(and that I believe she might hurt herself of my kids if I leave). But, when ALL of my friends since my youngest daughter was born and the wife gained all the weight have said the same shit the Doc was saying today...it makes me really wonder aobut what the fuck I am doing, and what I need to do and what I should do. I mean, very few of my friends have ever been able to put up with her long...and a LOT have just flat out avoided us becuas they can't stand her yelling and temper.
AAAAGGGGGHHHH. So WHAT do I DO??? I am going to ride it out for now. After this visit with Aunt Flo, I am going to give her a pointed letter (face-to-face will not work as she NEVER admits ANY wrongdoing) and ask her if she will see a counselor or something. I don't know if between my PTSD struggles, stress at work and school, and her on-again/off-again niceness, if I could do many more years of this without loosing my mind or hurting someone, including myself.
It's too bad she can't just easily slip back into how she was before all the post-partum crap. I mean, I KNOW I have changed since Iraq and the memories of being raped multiple times came flooding back. I don't think anyone else would have me. I mean, Angela and Marissa would probably both jump if I said I was coming to get them....but they are not really what I think I want full time...I guess??? I do know that I wish my wife, or whoever I end up growing old with, is more like the Doc. At least in the intelligence, compassion, AND looks department. She's got her flaws, I assume anyway, and she knows way TOO much personally to ever actually be interested in a lost cause like me...but someone like her...and it would be great if the wife started developing these traits...that would fucking rock!!!
So tonight she was being bitchy, kinda anyway, and she has been for about 5 days now (this does coincide with good ol' Aunt Flo coming to visit...EVERY fucking month!!!) As we were leaving the rib shack tonight after dinner, she asked if I wanted to go to Lowe's to get some blinds for the house (we need 2 last sets). I had told her no, that I just wanted to get home. Her response was that I "never want to be around people" and that she's "getting sick of it." WTF??? She knows that I don't do good in crowds and that I have already been having a rough 10 or so days due to a bunch of fucking nightmares. So what does this have to do with my original comments above???
Today the Doc made some rather pointed, but correct, comments regarding my wife and I and how she (the Doc) thought about how we were treating our children. She pointed out some things that I have noticed in how I talk to my son...maybe a little to "toughly"...and it's actually somehting that I hav been thinking about for some time now. However, she also mentioned how my wife was treating (being hard on) one of my daughters. The Doc actually referenced the possibility (fact?!) that my wife has piss-poor self-esteem(my words) due to her own weight problem and health. On top of that we talked aobut my feelings about my marriage and how 50% of the time, I just want OUT!!!I don't know if I would feel this way if my wife had a move even-keel (normal) temper and better self-esteem. I do know that it's something I was thinking of LONG before the Doc said anything.
Sometimes I think that she is way too good for me...sometimes I think I am way too ogood for her. I DO love her, deeply, which is probably the biggest reason why I stay(and that I believe she might hurt herself of my kids if I leave). But, when ALL of my friends since my youngest daughter was born and the wife gained all the weight have said the same shit the Doc was saying today...it makes me really wonder aobut what the fuck I am doing, and what I need to do and what I should do. I mean, very few of my friends have ever been able to put up with her long...and a LOT have just flat out avoided us becuas they can't stand her yelling and temper.
AAAAGGGGGHHHH. So WHAT do I DO??? I am going to ride it out for now. After this visit with Aunt Flo, I am going to give her a pointed letter (face-to-face will not work as she NEVER admits ANY wrongdoing) and ask her if she will see a counselor or something. I don't know if between my PTSD struggles, stress at work and school, and her on-again/off-again niceness, if I could do many more years of this without loosing my mind or hurting someone, including myself.
It's too bad she can't just easily slip back into how she was before all the post-partum crap. I mean, I KNOW I have changed since Iraq and the memories of being raped multiple times came flooding back. I don't think anyone else would have me. I mean, Angela and Marissa would probably both jump if I said I was coming to get them....but they are not really what I think I want full time...I guess??? I do know that I wish my wife, or whoever I end up growing old with, is more like the Doc. At least in the intelligence, compassion, AND looks department. She's got her flaws, I assume anyway, and she knows way TOO much personally to ever actually be interested in a lost cause like me...but someone like her...and it would be great if the wife started developing these traits...that would fucking rock!!!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Just quickly ranting becuase I feel like it
How many others out there know what it feels like to physically feel a memory from long ago? To feel the tremors from a mortar or rocket round, to hear over and over the song of the bulluts over your head, or even worse, to feel those people raping me....3 different sets of people over 10 years?
How bad is it for others who experience these sensations while doing normal things like work or playing with your kids. It's so frustrating to be at work and have to fight for reality....to realize that I am in my office, not in Iraq or in a child molesters fucking bed.
WTF??? This shit has to go away soon or I don't know what I will do.
How bad is it for others who experience these sensations while doing normal things like work or playing with your kids. It's so frustrating to be at work and have to fight for reality....to realize that I am in my office, not in Iraq or in a child molesters fucking bed.
WTF??? This shit has to go away soon or I don't know what I will do.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Really good session today...some progress maybe
Don't know that I really feel like writing a whole lot tonight....fucking exhausted. I actually fell asleep in the gym parking lot this morning...before going to work out. :-(
I did have a really really good session today. The doc said some things last week about changing my therapy schedule, and by today I was really fucking freaking out and expecting her to say that she was gonna move me once a month or even worse. I mean REALLY freaked out...I even wrote a letter (yes, PEN and INK) to her about why I wasn't ready for that. Turns out I was worried for nothing. :-) She offered to do once a week, but I think we both agreed that I could handle every two weeks. Discussed how much or how little I should be bugging her and for what things. I think we both came to the same conclusions that I do send her things that really could wait until the next session. Additionally, we talked about how I think of her as a friend...even if she can't or doesn't want to think of me as a friend. It's too bad about the way things are, but she's a HELL of a doctor and that's the most important thing to me...important enough that I do my damnedest to avoid/suppress any other possible feelings towards her, although I admit that I am almost certain they are there. I deny them because without the therapy I believe I would be dead before I turn 40...and right now, today at least, I would really like to live at least that long!
So we talked about some of what's been eating me and I ALMOST cried!!! I wanted to....but I held it back. Not sure why I held it back but I did. I feel so bad and shitty and horrible and worthless. My misery overtakes my anger or my anger overtakes my misery...not a whole lot left in between that battle. :-(
My new homework is to focus on things I KNOW and to not focus on things I don't know or, more importantly, things I CAN'T/WILL NEVER know! I guess the doc's hoping I will see some good in me at some point...something worth saving even maybe??? She wants me to look at everything...my trauma's, my relationships, my acquintances, my life as a whole and in it's separate parts. Since I know that this hasn't been read a whole lot, if at all, I think I will post it up here as well.
I just want to get rid of this pain and self-hatred and try to find some happiness.
I did have a really really good session today. The doc said some things last week about changing my therapy schedule, and by today I was really fucking freaking out and expecting her to say that she was gonna move me once a month or even worse. I mean REALLY freaked out...I even wrote a letter (yes, PEN and INK) to her about why I wasn't ready for that. Turns out I was worried for nothing. :-) She offered to do once a week, but I think we both agreed that I could handle every two weeks. Discussed how much or how little I should be bugging her and for what things. I think we both came to the same conclusions that I do send her things that really could wait until the next session. Additionally, we talked about how I think of her as a friend...even if she can't or doesn't want to think of me as a friend. It's too bad about the way things are, but she's a HELL of a doctor and that's the most important thing to me...important enough that I do my damnedest to avoid/suppress any other possible feelings towards her, although I admit that I am almost certain they are there. I deny them because without the therapy I believe I would be dead before I turn 40...and right now, today at least, I would really like to live at least that long!
So we talked about some of what's been eating me and I ALMOST cried!!! I wanted to....but I held it back. Not sure why I held it back but I did. I feel so bad and shitty and horrible and worthless. My misery overtakes my anger or my anger overtakes my misery...not a whole lot left in between that battle. :-(
My new homework is to focus on things I KNOW and to not focus on things I don't know or, more importantly, things I CAN'T/WILL NEVER know! I guess the doc's hoping I will see some good in me at some point...something worth saving even maybe??? She wants me to look at everything...my trauma's, my relationships, my acquintances, my life as a whole and in it's separate parts. Since I know that this hasn't been read a whole lot, if at all, I think I will post it up here as well.
I just want to get rid of this pain and self-hatred and try to find some happiness.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Compounded Problems
A few years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. PTSD that stems from really shitty combat experiences as well as some really shitty childhood sexual trauma. In addition to that, I have nerve damage, high cholesterol, migraines, and just a too much other shit. So...I take a LOT of medication. Medication for depression, pain, nerve regeneration, and cluster migraines.
Now, after years of taking all this shit...and I should mention that the VA still isn't rating me on the actual thing that got me out of the Army to begin with. Anyway, after a few years of all of this...it feels like things are getting actually worse. The therapy has been rough recently...very rough...and now I have concerns that there is something else wrong with me physically. Not going to get into on here...otherwise I wouldn't get any fucking sleep tonight.
Anyway, I have group tomorrow. I haven't been in a while..about a month or so. I am looking forward to going, but kind of apprehensive. The format has changed and tomorrow is only for those vets from the original group who have also gone through either CPT or PE, or both. So I am not certain how many of the original group is going to be there. Other than that, I have some other concerns as well but don't think I am going to put them on here right now. They kind of revolve around other things that I have put on here...but now some other questions and concerns need to be worked out. :-(
Now, after years of taking all this shit...and I should mention that the VA still isn't rating me on the actual thing that got me out of the Army to begin with. Anyway, after a few years of all of this...it feels like things are getting actually worse. The therapy has been rough recently...very rough...and now I have concerns that there is something else wrong with me physically. Not going to get into on here...otherwise I wouldn't get any fucking sleep tonight.
Anyway, I have group tomorrow. I haven't been in a while..about a month or so. I am looking forward to going, but kind of apprehensive. The format has changed and tomorrow is only for those vets from the original group who have also gone through either CPT or PE, or both. So I am not certain how many of the original group is going to be there. Other than that, I have some other concerns as well but don't think I am going to put them on here right now. They kind of revolve around other things that I have put on here...but now some other questions and concerns need to be worked out. :-(
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Down the Rabbit Hole again...and again...and again!
So I've been going around in circles and down fucking rabbit holes for awhile! Time in Hawaii was fun...but then flashbacks were a bitch. Hadn't seen the Doc for almost month when I went in there yesterday. Session was pretty good....but weird. Sometimes the doc makes faces and/or uses words that really make me wonder where her head was. Point in fact, if she wasn't my Doc, or if at least the conversation wasn't about what it actually was about...then I'd actually wonder if she wasn't starting to feel too close to me. Not necessarily in a sexual way....maybe in a way that's more than "brother" but less than "boyfriend." I would LOVE to ask her....but it's not worth the risk. I need HER help, and I have my own baggage and dependents anyway. If I wasn't so fucked up and so married, I would definitely have already done my best to hit on her.
In any event, the point of this post is that I am just fucking hating life right now. I did have some "dangerous" thoughts while away in Hawaii...but I didn't want to share that with the Doc or anyone...I didn't do ANYTHING to act on them since I really don't even like the idea of dying. Having a month off from the Doc really sucked ass...I really needed to talk with her about 15million times...and I just kinda missed her as a friend.
So over the last month -> I have been having a ton of questions about my childhood abuse and about Iraq. I have had too many dreams and too many flashbacks and too much guilt. The last few nights have been really horrible in the sex department too. So much so that I don't even WANT sex tonight despite my wife's very high libido and subsequent aggrevation about me telling her it's not going to happen. What's the actual problem?
The problem has been the frequency and types of memories that have been forcing their way into my head while having sex with my wife: childhood abuse AND Iraq. Then I get one of too reactions: I either loose my erection IMMEDIATELY (and my wife thinks it is due to the drugs I take)....or I cum instantly and then feel disgusted becuase my body reacted with physical excitment to such horrible, HORRIBLE, and PAINFUL memories.
So now I am going to journal more, a LOT MORE, and try to pick the Doc's brain about everything until I feel even just a little fucking better!
In any event, the point of this post is that I am just fucking hating life right now. I did have some "dangerous" thoughts while away in Hawaii...but I didn't want to share that with the Doc or anyone...I didn't do ANYTHING to act on them since I really don't even like the idea of dying. Having a month off from the Doc really sucked ass...I really needed to talk with her about 15million times...and I just kinda missed her as a friend.
So over the last month -> I have been having a ton of questions about my childhood abuse and about Iraq. I have had too many dreams and too many flashbacks and too much guilt. The last few nights have been really horrible in the sex department too. So much so that I don't even WANT sex tonight despite my wife's very high libido and subsequent aggrevation about me telling her it's not going to happen. What's the actual problem?
The problem has been the frequency and types of memories that have been forcing their way into my head while having sex with my wife: childhood abuse AND Iraq. Then I get one of too reactions: I either loose my erection IMMEDIATELY (and my wife thinks it is due to the drugs I take)....or I cum instantly and then feel disgusted becuase my body reacted with physical excitment to such horrible, HORRIBLE, and PAINFUL memories.
So now I am going to journal more, a LOT MORE, and try to pick the Doc's brain about everything until I feel even just a little fucking better!
Friday, August 5, 2011
Just Checking In with Myself
So the Doc's back this week....that's over three weeks since I have had any contact with her. She went somewhere where she wasn't sure her cell would work...or how much it would cost and I am pretty sure she doesn't get her email outside of the VA. So....despite quite a few shitty experiences, I am kind of proud AND yet sad, that I made it for three whole weeks with out emailing, calling, or texting her.
I am proud becuase it makes me realize that I, ME, made it through those rough times with the flashbacks, the horrible memories, and the other shit of misery. Despite being at a Luaua and having to strenously fight to remember that I was in Hawaii and NOT at Camp Anaconda, I made it through without having to call the Doc. That was REALLY hard becuase I really wanted to talk with her and felt like I needed help. Another time that was a bitch was when I actually had some time to hang with a friend who lived out there. We got a little drunk...although I didn't drink anywhere near as much as I "felt" like I did the next morning...but I think that's a whole nother issue. In any event, I woke up VERY early at my buddies house, despite having gotten back from the bar a few hours earlier. I was up for the day and fucking miserable so I decided to turn on my radio and check out the Hawaiian music scene....dumb fucking choice and I didn't even see it coming!!!!! A song came on that was popular when I was a kid...when I was a kid going through the second round of sexual abuse by a new group of fuckheads. I have a very clear memory now....and I don't know why it never bothered me before or why I had never remembered it before...of that song playing on the TV in the babysitters living room while the daughter wanted me to smell her fucking feet. Somehow this led to us playing in the back room...which was me more or less having to do all this stupid shit while being naked. It was that day, when her mom, the fucking babysitter, came in the room and my second round of hell...and in a lot of ways the WORST round...began. The woman was crazy. She had us punished by the husband, but then she was all nice and sweet...while having us get undressed all the way. I am not going into details here becuase it fucking makes me want to puke my life and soul out...maybe be dead. Is that so bad an idea sometimes???? I don't know how to answer that one. All I know is that I get confused to this day when it comes to what people, especially women, are thinking or wanting when they seem to be in too much of one extreme mood. This woman was "nice" about us (there were four of us kids there, including their two kids) getting raped. She was screaming about how bad it was that I had my pants off...and I was about 6/7 fucking years old, laughing when her husband spanked our bare asses, and then all sweet and not wanting him to "hurt us" while we got abused by that fuck and her.
OK....gotten myself a LOT worked up now...gonna stop thinking and writing about it. The point was that I was, I think, well within reason of HAVING to call the Doc, or her stand-in, but that I didn't. I breathed, and rationalized, and centered my way through each time until each hell or memory or thought or feeling went away.
I was also sad though that I was able to do this. Not sad in a miserable or depressed way...but then I am not sure in what way it was though. The big bottom line is that I just MISSED my Doc. I'd say it's about 50/50 on what I missed. I mean, I needed the sessions and I REALLY could have used her help during those times. But I also think of her as a friend and since I don't have that many (maybe 3???) and I try to talk to them every week....it was kinda sad not being able to talk with the Doc. Plus, there is the realization that whatever her trip was (work, vacation, honeymoon, Antartica, Barbados, ets.)...it's really none of my business. I guess it really pisses me off too. I remember when my mother's shrink would go to lunch with her twenty years ago. Now, there are so many fucking rules, and maybe some of them are the Doc's choice, but there is apparently NO way that we could ever be real friends. I believe that I will never be able to invite her over to a BBQ with my wife, kids, and other friends or that, as another example, I have NO business asking her any personal questions (which does seem onesided no matter HOW you slice it).
I think I have lamented on this before, and it is somewhat...bad?...that I am apparently so bothered by this. I sometimes wonder how much of my feelings for the Doc I am ignoring or glossing over...and how much of that really matters any. The important thing is that I found a Doc that I can trust, who has the kick-ass skills to help me, and who's one of the best people I have EVER met!!!!
I am proud becuase it makes me realize that I, ME, made it through those rough times with the flashbacks, the horrible memories, and the other shit of misery. Despite being at a Luaua and having to strenously fight to remember that I was in Hawaii and NOT at Camp Anaconda, I made it through without having to call the Doc. That was REALLY hard becuase I really wanted to talk with her and felt like I needed help. Another time that was a bitch was when I actually had some time to hang with a friend who lived out there. We got a little drunk...although I didn't drink anywhere near as much as I "felt" like I did the next morning...but I think that's a whole nother issue. In any event, I woke up VERY early at my buddies house, despite having gotten back from the bar a few hours earlier. I was up for the day and fucking miserable so I decided to turn on my radio and check out the Hawaiian music scene....dumb fucking choice and I didn't even see it coming!!!!! A song came on that was popular when I was a kid...when I was a kid going through the second round of sexual abuse by a new group of fuckheads. I have a very clear memory now....and I don't know why it never bothered me before or why I had never remembered it before...of that song playing on the TV in the babysitters living room while the daughter wanted me to smell her fucking feet. Somehow this led to us playing in the back room...which was me more or less having to do all this stupid shit while being naked. It was that day, when her mom, the fucking babysitter, came in the room and my second round of hell...and in a lot of ways the WORST round...began. The woman was crazy. She had us punished by the husband, but then she was all nice and sweet...while having us get undressed all the way. I am not going into details here becuase it fucking makes me want to puke my life and soul out...maybe be dead. Is that so bad an idea sometimes???? I don't know how to answer that one. All I know is that I get confused to this day when it comes to what people, especially women, are thinking or wanting when they seem to be in too much of one extreme mood. This woman was "nice" about us (there were four of us kids there, including their two kids) getting raped. She was screaming about how bad it was that I had my pants off...and I was about 6/7 fucking years old, laughing when her husband spanked our bare asses, and then all sweet and not wanting him to "hurt us" while we got abused by that fuck and her.
OK....gotten myself a LOT worked up now...gonna stop thinking and writing about it. The point was that I was, I think, well within reason of HAVING to call the Doc, or her stand-in, but that I didn't. I breathed, and rationalized, and centered my way through each time until each hell or memory or thought or feeling went away.
I was also sad though that I was able to do this. Not sad in a miserable or depressed way...but then I am not sure in what way it was though. The big bottom line is that I just MISSED my Doc. I'd say it's about 50/50 on what I missed. I mean, I needed the sessions and I REALLY could have used her help during those times. But I also think of her as a friend and since I don't have that many (maybe 3???) and I try to talk to them every week....it was kinda sad not being able to talk with the Doc. Plus, there is the realization that whatever her trip was (work, vacation, honeymoon, Antartica, Barbados, ets.)...it's really none of my business. I guess it really pisses me off too. I remember when my mother's shrink would go to lunch with her twenty years ago. Now, there are so many fucking rules, and maybe some of them are the Doc's choice, but there is apparently NO way that we could ever be real friends. I believe that I will never be able to invite her over to a BBQ with my wife, kids, and other friends or that, as another example, I have NO business asking her any personal questions (which does seem onesided no matter HOW you slice it).
I think I have lamented on this before, and it is somewhat...bad?...that I am apparently so bothered by this. I sometimes wonder how much of my feelings for the Doc I am ignoring or glossing over...and how much of that really matters any. The important thing is that I found a Doc that I can trust, who has the kick-ass skills to help me, and who's one of the best people I have EVER met!!!!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
No One should have to WITNESS Child Abuse????? Bad Advertising
I haven't had time to look it up but I passed an "interesting" sign in the Chicago Airport this morning. The line that I used as this post's title was the line on the poster. It was a poster to increase awarness of childhood sexual assualt/trauma in the Chicago area. While I applaud the effort, I am seriously annoyed the verbiage. Seriously, can't we start with "No should get away with Child abise"? All these fucks that get little to no time, repeat offenders, and just general shitbags that hurt kids...lets go after them before stopping people from "witnessing" child abuse.
I get the premise of the advertisment....but it still pisses me the fuck off!
I get the premise of the advertisment....but it still pisses me the fuck off!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Group was a croc of shit today!
Today is the fourth day of a long week...so long that its felt like one LONG day. I did do one nice thing for myself: I bought myself a gift from Amazon. I bought the book "Victims No Longer" as a birthday present for myself...kind of anyway. I had asked my Doc earlier in the week if she could recommend any literature or other things to keep me moving forward. It's not that she isn't helping, just that it's going to be a month until my next session with her and I am afraid of getting stuck. The book is for male survivors of childhood sexual assault. Maybe after I get a chunk into I might write more about it on here.
However, the focus of this post is just more on how shitty this week has been. About the only good thing was that the Doc was awesome, a complete smartass, and didn't take any of my shit or self-pity...all things I think I really needed this week. It was strange at first because she was definitely in a mood different from how I have ever seen her. But, like I said, that's probably the only good thing this week! My head has been in hell otherwise.
Most of my mental pain this week has revolved around the childhood shit. Some has been around Iraq...mostly about the damn PX. I haven't been to group in a few weeks and was SO looking forward to today's session. I was especially looking forward to it after the weather this morning. Sitting at my desk the thunder was so loud and so back-to-back that it reminded me of so many bad times in Iraq. Unfortunately, when group started there was no Doc, no social worker, and no recreation therapist (at least not the one I recognized). Nope...just some older lady. She gave us a print out of relaxation mantras, started a 30 minute audio track, and then walked out. After the track was done, everyone complained about the whirring noise (which we later found out came from the damn printer) and then left. So I drove 45 minutes round trip for a 30 minute nap. I wanted to talk today, and to listen. To spend some time with others like me and to lean on them. But that didn't happen. I am certain that some of the guys in the group would have hung out had I asked...but I struggle with being a burden and didn't feel like being one this afternoon.
So I might try to go next week, because after that I have some travelling for work to do and other things that will keep me away from the VA for awhile.
However, the focus of this post is just more on how shitty this week has been. About the only good thing was that the Doc was awesome, a complete smartass, and didn't take any of my shit or self-pity...all things I think I really needed this week. It was strange at first because she was definitely in a mood different from how I have ever seen her. But, like I said, that's probably the only good thing this week! My head has been in hell otherwise.
Most of my mental pain this week has revolved around the childhood shit. Some has been around Iraq...mostly about the damn PX. I haven't been to group in a few weeks and was SO looking forward to today's session. I was especially looking forward to it after the weather this morning. Sitting at my desk the thunder was so loud and so back-to-back that it reminded me of so many bad times in Iraq. Unfortunately, when group started there was no Doc, no social worker, and no recreation therapist (at least not the one I recognized). Nope...just some older lady. She gave us a print out of relaxation mantras, started a 30 minute audio track, and then walked out. After the track was done, everyone complained about the whirring noise (which we later found out came from the damn printer) and then left. So I drove 45 minutes round trip for a 30 minute nap. I wanted to talk today, and to listen. To spend some time with others like me and to lean on them. But that didn't happen. I am certain that some of the guys in the group would have hung out had I asked...but I struggle with being a burden and didn't feel like being one this afternoon.
So I might try to go next week, because after that I have some travelling for work to do and other things that will keep me away from the VA for awhile.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Checking in
It's been a little bit since I last wrote on here. The delay was me being really busy and me writing in my journal. I had a session today, first time in 2 weeks. It seemed like it was a really good one and I had some breakthroughs(?) with some stuck points. What we went over were four stuck points that the doc assigned to me when I texted her all out of whack and thinking I was a piece of shit of just doing something bad to Shane. Those were hard stuckpoints to work: "I AM Horrible," "I AM an ASSHOLE," "I Piss EVERYONE off ALL the time, and "I AM a burden on everyon" It's not fair to say that this whole crappy feeling and these stuck points came just from Shane apparently deciding he wanted nothing to do with me or my family.
On that regard, I think that a couple of possibilities exist:
- I DID say something to just piss the guy off,
- He's just an asshole and is ignoring people
- He read something on here that really pissed him off in regards to my earlier comments (since removed) about a certain person causing him shit.
- He was really mad about my comment about the Doc, even if it was innocuous.
Anyway, I guess I am kind of fair-to-midland today. Some parts of today's session where rough but it just mainly the Doc helping me but blatently kind of putting some things in my face. Got a rather shitty headache, AGAIN, after the session, and then got sick from the Arby's.
The real bummer about the therapy though is that I don't have another session for a MONTH!!! Guess the Doc's going to be out of town, and I have my own trips as well. I am actually not that worried about it becuase I know if I absolutely have to get ahold of her that I can. I do wish that when the schedule picked back up that I could maybe get two appointments that week. Or maybe set time asside to talk about the peripheral issues I have with all of the shit in my brain. I know the focus of the sessions has to be on the trauma and working through the different parts of that. However, I have really been wondering if that, as part of the "GETTING BETTER" if I am going to be able to maybe approach sex from a more normal standpoint that I do these days. :-(
On that regard, I think that a couple of possibilities exist:
- I DID say something to just piss the guy off,
- He's just an asshole and is ignoring people
- He read something on here that really pissed him off in regards to my earlier comments (since removed) about a certain person causing him shit.
- He was really mad about my comment about the Doc, even if it was innocuous.
Anyway, I guess I am kind of fair-to-midland today. Some parts of today's session where rough but it just mainly the Doc helping me but blatently kind of putting some things in my face. Got a rather shitty headache, AGAIN, after the session, and then got sick from the Arby's.
The real bummer about the therapy though is that I don't have another session for a MONTH!!! Guess the Doc's going to be out of town, and I have my own trips as well. I am actually not that worried about it becuase I know if I absolutely have to get ahold of her that I can. I do wish that when the schedule picked back up that I could maybe get two appointments that week. Or maybe set time asside to talk about the peripheral issues I have with all of the shit in my brain. I know the focus of the sessions has to be on the trauma and working through the different parts of that. However, I have really been wondering if that, as part of the "GETTING BETTER" if I am going to be able to maybe approach sex from a more normal standpoint that I do these days. :-(
Bad memories and scared of sleep
For the last few months I have been working on some of my shitty childhood trauma using Prolonged Exposure. I have to say that is pretty much is the worse thing I have ever volunteered to do. It's kind of funny too, a few weeks ago I left the session with the realization that I have been leaving there with the same damn headache every time! This week's session was no different. What was funny was that the doc mentioned that she has had patients complain of nasea and/or headaches BEFORE their sessions. Only thing I feel before a session is scared and/or pissed off.
Anyway, I have wanted to write for a few days but just couldn't find the time. We had a big party this weekend for our friends at the new house. It started with a balloon exploding and two Lorazapams and ended with too much vodka and a bad hangover in the morning. Pretty stupid for a guy who rarely drinks anymore. In any event the last few months have been sprinkled with on again/off again bad nights, horrible memories, and a general fear of going to sleep, among other things. Yesterday's session had me climbing the walls completely unwilling to go to sleep until I was actually falling asleep on the couch....which is what's going on now so I am going to try to hurry this thought along without screwing it up.
In yesterday's session, the Doc wanted me to record my talking about the middle instance of hell. And, she told me that she thinks we have to address the later one that is soooooooo bad and fucked up!!!!!!!!!!!! Good news there is that it won't happen for a few weeks..gotta love the holidays.
But I digress :-) ...last night, actually since leaving her office, I have been in a funk. I remembered some more stuff and none of it pleasant. Additionally, I was having some short but painful flashbacks yesterday as well, and all of which was just a mess. Most of it dealt with the childhood sexual abuse while there were at least two distinct instances when I would find myself dreaming/flashing back to Iraq
Anyway, I have wanted to write for a few days but just couldn't find the time. We had a big party this weekend for our friends at the new house. It started with a balloon exploding and two Lorazapams and ended with too much vodka and a bad hangover in the morning. Pretty stupid for a guy who rarely drinks anymore. In any event the last few months have been sprinkled with on again/off again bad nights, horrible memories, and a general fear of going to sleep, among other things. Yesterday's session had me climbing the walls completely unwilling to go to sleep until I was actually falling asleep on the couch....which is what's going on now so I am going to try to hurry this thought along without screwing it up.
In yesterday's session, the Doc wanted me to record my talking about the middle instance of hell. And, she told me that she thinks we have to address the later one that is soooooooo bad and fucked up!!!!!!!!!!!! Good news there is that it won't happen for a few weeks..gotta love the holidays.
But I digress :-) ...last night, actually since leaving her office, I have been in a funk. I remembered some more stuff and none of it pleasant. Additionally, I was having some short but painful flashbacks yesterday as well, and all of which was just a mess. Most of it dealt with the childhood sexual abuse while there were at least two distinct instances when I would find myself dreaming/flashing back to Iraq
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