Really good session today...some progress maybe

Don't know that I really feel like writing a whole lot tonight....fucking exhausted. I actually fell asleep in the gym parking lot this morning...before going to work out. :-(
I did have a really really good session today. The doc said some things last week about changing my therapy schedule, and by today I was really fucking freaking out and expecting her to say that she was gonna move me once a month or even worse. I mean REALLY freaked out...I even wrote a letter (yes, PEN and INK) to her about why I wasn't ready for that. Turns out I was worried for nothing. :-) She offered to do once a week, but I think we both agreed that I could handle every two weeks. Discussed how much or how little I should be bugging her and for what things. I think we both came to the same conclusions that I do send her things that really could wait until the next session. Additionally, we talked about how I think of her as a friend...even if she can't or doesn't want to think of me as a friend. It's too bad about the way things are, but she's a HELL of a doctor and that's the most important thing to me...important enough that I do my damnedest to avoid/suppress any other possible feelings towards her, although I admit that I am almost certain they are there. I deny them because without the therapy I believe I would be dead before I turn 40...and right now, today at least, I would really like to live at least that long!
So we talked about some of what's been eating me and I ALMOST cried!!! I wanted to....but I held it back. Not sure why I held it back but I did. I feel so bad and shitty and horrible and worthless. My misery overtakes my anger or my anger overtakes my misery...not a whole lot left in between that battle. :-(
My new homework is to focus on things I KNOW and to not focus on things I don't know or, more importantly, things I CAN'T/WILL NEVER know! I guess the doc's hoping I will see some good in me at some point...something worth saving even maybe??? She wants me to look at everything...my trauma's, my relationships, my acquintances, my life as a whole and in it's separate parts. Since I know that this hasn't been read a whole lot, if at all, I think I will post it up here as well.
I just want to get rid of this pain and self-hatred and try to find some happiness.