I struggle with the thought that I have done something to piss everyone off, that I annoy everyone, and that I am just a horrible person. I have been friends with a pretty cool and laid back person. Yet somehow, I did something to piss them off enough so that a phone call, a text, or a facebook message. I mean, I KNOW that I push people, and I push them away. So this really, and I mean really, got me feeling like shit. I was pretty convinced that I must have done something wrong to a person that really already had enough wrong done to them. I even got in touch with my doc to ask why I am such a horrible piece of shit. Of course, then I felt really bad about bugging her...but I really didn't want to talk to her or anyone...but I had to talk to someone.
In the course of 30 minutes of text messages...which she thought I started becuase I was drunk and I guess I sounded as sad as I felt...she identified four stuckpoints that I now get to do for homework. Of course when I reminded her that I don't go back for two weeks and that I could just procrastinate them, she said no to that too.
So here's where I am struggling:I KNOW I didn't do anything, except for one maybe one adjective I shouldn't have used on this blog (and had deleted weeks ago). However, I still FEEL like I did do something yet AGAIN to piss someone off. So where does this come from? Why do I always feel so fucking horrible and why do I question if anyone really likes me or trusts me or even wants to be around me. Hell, I even wonder most days what my wife even thinks about me half the time. This is all I am going to write today...I just feel like a horrible piece of shit, even if I didn't do anything. Coincidentally, this very blog where one adjective may have offended this guy, was also originally deleted becuase I stood up for him, as well as the fact that I had initially put way to many thoughts about my doc on here. Too funny...maybe...or just fucking stupid?????
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Who do I want to be????????
I keep struggling with who I am. I ask myself this every day, every minute, every second...or at least it feels that way. At first I used to be convinced that I was going to end up being schizophrenic or some other mentally ill person. Then I was told that I had a lot (some?) of the signs of border-line personality disorder and I was REALLY convinced.
What made things the worst though was when I started "feeling" like I wasn't me. There were times when I had to really think hard to recall if what I was "remember" was in fact something I did. It's not the childhood memories or the ones from Iraq. Nope...it's memories like "did I have THIS conversation with THAT person last week?" I know part of it is fatigue...hell I am falling asleep writing this right now.
But I also know now that this is a normal symptom of ptsd. A "Disassociation" of sorts. It's almost as if I am sometimes seeing my present self in the third person. This has been a wierd and frustrating time for me. However, it was reassuring to be able to talk this out with my Doc and to learn that it NOT necessarily a sign that I am going crazy.
One of the interesting things that the Doc said was:
"Instead of the question being "Who am I?"...the quistion should be "Who do I want to be."
What made things the worst though was when I started "feeling" like I wasn't me. There were times when I had to really think hard to recall if what I was "remember" was in fact something I did. It's not the childhood memories or the ones from Iraq. Nope...it's memories like "did I have THIS conversation with THAT person last week?" I know part of it is fatigue...hell I am falling asleep writing this right now.
But I also know now that this is a normal symptom of ptsd. A "Disassociation" of sorts. It's almost as if I am sometimes seeing my present self in the third person. This has been a wierd and frustrating time for me. However, it was reassuring to be able to talk this out with my Doc and to learn that it NOT necessarily a sign that I am going crazy.
One of the interesting things that the Doc said was:
"Instead of the question being "Who am I?"...the quistion should be "Who do I want to be."
Trauma Anniversary....Remember those who gave all
Recently, the anniversary of one of my traumatic events from Iraq passed. I had tried, on another blog, to write about this event in some general terms while paying respect to those who's death I felt for a long time to be responsible for. Through some hard, and sometimes painful work in CPT, I was able to let go of a large chunk of that guilt and shame and I felt it was a okay time work more towards honoring those who died. However, that post and a couple of others apparently really angered some people, and I had allowed their responses to get to me so much that I took down the blog. I might write more about this later. However, I think it's more important to actually do the right thing here first, and that is to honor those whom we have lost.
I won't use names or dates, or even places here on this blog. This is both out of respect as well as out of the need for some privacy in my life.
There was a day that seemed like all the other shitty days in Iraq. I had to go to the company area and I made some stops along the way. One of these stops was an area where a lot of other soldiers where. While I was there, I talked to a couple of different soldiers about numerous things. Two of the ones I talked to the longest, they were pretty cool guys. They both had future plans, were tired of being away from their families and were just doing their thing. However, after talking with both of them, I left to go over to the company...a short walk of maybe two minutes. After getting to the company, I stood at the back door and fired up a smoke. After maybe two drags, the hell rained down where i had just been. Those two soldiers, and some others, were killed by some asshole insurgents. For a long time I struggled with the belief that I was directly responsible for their deaths because I had held them up for so long talking. That guilt really ate me up inside and was the second or third worst guilty feeling I have ever struggled with. In any event, my guilt is nothing compared to the price that they had to pay
These soldiers and too many others quite frankly, paid heavy and in this case ultimate prices. They were doing their job and working at supporting their country and their familes. They had dreams and plans and fears and hopes. They may have even had their own guilts that they were trying to work through. The didn't get to live through any of those things. Instead, they died. Killed by some assholes!
They are gone physically but I know that they live on my heart and the hearts of their family and friends. They were Soldiers, sons, a father, a fiance.but most of all they were Americans. May I never forget, may we never forget, these Americans gave their lives.
I won't use names or dates, or even places here on this blog. This is both out of respect as well as out of the need for some privacy in my life.
There was a day that seemed like all the other shitty days in Iraq. I had to go to the company area and I made some stops along the way. One of these stops was an area where a lot of other soldiers where. While I was there, I talked to a couple of different soldiers about numerous things. Two of the ones I talked to the longest, they were pretty cool guys. They both had future plans, were tired of being away from their families and were just doing their thing. However, after talking with both of them, I left to go over to the company...a short walk of maybe two minutes. After getting to the company, I stood at the back door and fired up a smoke. After maybe two drags, the hell rained down where i had just been. Those two soldiers, and some others, were killed by some asshole insurgents. For a long time I struggled with the belief that I was directly responsible for their deaths because I had held them up for so long talking. That guilt really ate me up inside and was the second or third worst guilty feeling I have ever struggled with. In any event, my guilt is nothing compared to the price that they had to pay
These soldiers and too many others quite frankly, paid heavy and in this case ultimate prices. They were doing their job and working at supporting their country and their familes. They had dreams and plans and fears and hopes. They may have even had their own guilts that they were trying to work through. The didn't get to live through any of those things. Instead, they died. Killed by some assholes!
They are gone physically but I know that they live on my heart and the hearts of their family and friends. They were Soldiers, sons, a father, a fiance.but most of all they were Americans. May I never forget, may we never forget, these Americans gave their lives.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Survived the Anniversary of the first one
So, I survived the anniversary of that horrible day. Strangely enough, I spent more of the day just being sad...missing those whom I won't see again in this life. My alertness level was uber-high, as in through the roof. But other than that and being very sad, I think it was ok. I was more worried about being haunted by guilt than by guilt itself, which was very nice considering the alternatives.
Someone made the point that I should remember them, honor them, in the right way. The right way could mean so many things, and yet they all seem to point to the fact their honor should never be tarnished by anything or anyone and that I not allow myself to use their deaths as excuses to get drunk or stupid or miserable.
Someone made the point that I should remember them, honor them, in the right way. The right way could mean so many things, and yet they all seem to point to the fact their honor should never be tarnished by anything or anyone and that I not allow myself to use their deaths as excuses to get drunk or stupid or miserable.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Medicinal help
I think I mentioned it in a posting yesterday, but my "brain vitamins" got increased yesterday. I actually do feel a little better, despite being fucking exhausted and falling asleep all morning. :-)
I remember when I started them, I woke up the first morning feeling COMPLETELY happy! It was the best feeling in a LONG time. I hope that this change is the sign of a positive upward movement for me. Still stressing the anniversary thing this week and the pissing of a bunch of people off...people who have been extremely HUGE in helping me.
Ohh...and the GYM was awesome yesterday! It felt GREAT to go work out for 45 minutes, despite being completely covered in sweat afterwards.
I remember when I started them, I woke up the first morning feeling COMPLETELY happy! It was the best feeling in a LONG time. I hope that this change is the sign of a positive upward movement for me. Still stressing the anniversary thing this week and the pissing of a bunch of people off...people who have been extremely HUGE in helping me.
Ohh...and the GYM was awesome yesterday! It felt GREAT to go work out for 45 minutes, despite being completely covered in sweat afterwards.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Going to raise my endorphines
Heading to the gym and just a little ramble here since I just really want to talk with ANYONE who gets this shit. I could call my wife who's out shopping, but that just doesn't sit right tonight, and probably isn't a conversation she needs to partake in in front of the brats. :-(
A long and worrisome day today. And some changes, one of the biggest being an increase in my "brain vitamin" dosage. Hopefully that will do the trick on some of the way's I've been feeling as of late. Anniversary is getting closer.
This will be the first anniversary since having "completed" CPT. Sometimes I find myself wondering why I'm stressing it. I did work through a LOT of it already and I do feel a lot better about it for the most part. I wonder if it's not the other therapy work I have been doing on the childhood shit that has really got me affected. I haven't been asked by the Doc to record any more of the memories, and the last session when I rambled, the next day I felt like I had just unloaded a big weight off of me.
Seems like it's really guilt and shame that are kicking my ass for the last few weeks, at least as I think about it now. That's at least what a lot of the emotions have been from the memories, and some conversations with people that I know better than to keep talking to. Sometimes, I just KNOW that I am a fucking idiot...but then sometimes I know I am just "searching" or "chasing" a numbness or a good feeling, at least something better than the amounts of physical and emotional pain I've recently been in. So, I am seriously looking for this day to come and go, so I can say I made it through the day and any other horrible memories/flashbacks that I might have....wouldn't that mean I am making progress? I think so.
Anyway, time for workout.
A long and worrisome day today. And some changes, one of the biggest being an increase in my "brain vitamin" dosage. Hopefully that will do the trick on some of the way's I've been feeling as of late. Anniversary is getting closer.
This will be the first anniversary since having "completed" CPT. Sometimes I find myself wondering why I'm stressing it. I did work through a LOT of it already and I do feel a lot better about it for the most part. I wonder if it's not the other therapy work I have been doing on the childhood shit that has really got me affected. I haven't been asked by the Doc to record any more of the memories, and the last session when I rambled, the next day I felt like I had just unloaded a big weight off of me.
Seems like it's really guilt and shame that are kicking my ass for the last few weeks, at least as I think about it now. That's at least what a lot of the emotions have been from the memories, and some conversations with people that I know better than to keep talking to. Sometimes, I just KNOW that I am a fucking idiot...but then sometimes I know I am just "searching" or "chasing" a numbness or a good feeling, at least something better than the amounts of physical and emotional pain I've recently been in. So, I am seriously looking for this day to come and go, so I can say I made it through the day and any other horrible memories/flashbacks that I might have....wouldn't that mean I am making progress? I think so.
Anyway, time for workout.
Monday, June 13, 2011
A good (work) but Bad (Anniversary/PTSD) week!/?
his week is an anniversary of probably the biggest trauma I experienced in Iraq. I have been OK with that so far...maybe a little bit of struggling with some of my stuckpoints around guilt, shame, and self-esteem. However, I am staying exceptionally busy and this has helped to not loose my focus too much. Except for one shopping experience on Saturday, and one again yesterday, there haven't been any flashback issues. Just some of those same problematic thought processes trying to kick my butt. However, I think I am pretty good today.
I think I am good enough to quit the full time therapy and I think I am good enough to just move on. But I don't believe these to be true either. I wonder how I feel about these things as the week moves towards the anniversary of that day.
The good this week:
- I got dropped into a pretty cool course for work, and it also includes a certification that I need/want.
The Bad this week:
- The anniversary of that horrible fucking day. For so long I held soooo tight to the believe that the deaths of two great Americans were my fault. I distracted them and I slowed them down, and they ended up dying. I know now, through lots and LOTS of CPT assignments and talks with the Doc that it wasn't my fault and that I didn't do any of the killing. It was a matter of coincidence coupled with poor timing on my part and my bad luck punishing others.:-( just the problem thoughts and fighting a see-saw of apathy and cockiness (which still is funny to me since I feel like I am lower than worm dirt).
Got an appointment today, but I really don't want to go. I've been fighting the feeling for a week or so that I am just pissing everyone off. This includes the Doc as well although I don't know what I would have done...so I guess I am mind-reading and being pessimistic, but I do assume some sort of ass-chewing today. :-( But I also assume that my wfie wants a divorce, that my kids hate me, that my coworkers all think I am stupid, and that my friends think I am either an asshole or a piece of shit. I think the bigger reason I don't want to go is the bigger reason why I should: I just don't feel like talking to anyone at ALL (including the wife, kids, and friends). I'd just prefer to be alone!!!
Despite the above, and being in a funk, I do seem like I am in a good mood. Of course, I am going on about 15 hours of sleep since last Thursday...so maybe that's what it is.
I think I am good enough to quit the full time therapy and I think I am good enough to just move on. But I don't believe these to be true either. I wonder how I feel about these things as the week moves towards the anniversary of that day.
The good this week:
- I got dropped into a pretty cool course for work, and it also includes a certification that I need/want.
The Bad this week:
- The anniversary of that horrible fucking day. For so long I held soooo tight to the believe that the deaths of two great Americans were my fault. I distracted them and I slowed them down, and they ended up dying. I know now, through lots and LOTS of CPT assignments and talks with the Doc that it wasn't my fault and that I didn't do any of the killing. It was a matter of coincidence coupled with poor timing on my part and my bad luck punishing others.:-( just the problem thoughts and fighting a see-saw of apathy and cockiness (which still is funny to me since I feel like I am lower than worm dirt).
Got an appointment today, but I really don't want to go. I've been fighting the feeling for a week or so that I am just pissing everyone off. This includes the Doc as well although I don't know what I would have done...so I guess I am mind-reading and being pessimistic, but I do assume some sort of ass-chewing today. :-( But I also assume that my wfie wants a divorce, that my kids hate me, that my coworkers all think I am stupid, and that my friends think I am either an asshole or a piece of shit. I think the bigger reason I don't want to go is the bigger reason why I should: I just don't feel like talking to anyone at ALL (including the wife, kids, and friends). I'd just prefer to be alone!!!
Despite the above, and being in a funk, I do seem like I am in a good mood. Of course, I am going on about 15 hours of sleep since last Thursday...so maybe that's what it is.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Making progress and hobbies
Seems like I should be in a better mood, better frame of mind tonight...but it's just not happening for some reason. I can't really put a finger on it, other than some stupid shit that happened today...most of was just me getting startled and the having to deal with crowds and shopping today. For some reason, I was really having to fight the flashback's while I was with the wife in one store today, but I am not really sure what was triggering it...or trying to trigger it.
In any event, I think I made some progress today...at least some promises to myself.
- I did in fact go through this blog to check for anything that I may have put on here that should would cause me any kind of grief. I found some entries that, while I don't think were necessarily bad, I still decided to update to reduce the risk (for lack of a better word). I feel good about this decision overall, and happy that I at least kept my word to myself!
- While I haven't physically touched my boat yet, I am going to say I made progress and kept my word on that one. I have to have a spot in the garage to do some minor work (and get it off of the new grass), so I spent a LOT of time today toward that end. I feel good about that!
- I haven't picked up the Les Paul yet, but I did get all of the new RockBand3 stuff set-up and played the new Fender Mustang guitar on that last night. It was harder than the regular RockBand guitar, and a little harder than a real one, but it was fun, felt like a real one, and was a 45 minute break where ALL I thought about was JUST PLAYING GUITAR!!!! How fucking sweet is that! 45 minutes of NO bullshit in my head, joking around with my wife, and just having a good time.
All in all, the weekend has been pretty good so far. I need to finish up some therapy homework but I will do that tomorrow night. Four "Challenging Belief Worksheets" to complete...about 50% done. The last two I did, the Doc basically pulled my punk card. Although I thought I had put some good effort into them, after that session and the worksheet that I did in there, I realized that I didn't come close to the mark or put even half the effort that I needed to into the worksheet. Anyway, that's a whole nother topic I guess.
Back on topic: I am pretty happy with myself, despite my "funk," for having at least kept some promises to myself to do some enjoyable activities. I need to find more to do with my kids though. :-( Recently, I heard about this trail in the town accross the river that is supposed to be a lot of fun to bike ride, run, walk...whatever. Think it might be fun to go check out with the wife and kids one of these coming weekends. Can't run, but maybe the bike will be ok and not be too painful. Anyway, gonna end this post here and go to bed. Need to be up in six hours to get to the church early. I volunteered to help on the sound team, so have to be there REALLY early tomorrow (today), at least really early for our normal Sundays.
I would like to explore what I think about something, and will probably do it on here soon if I remember at a more convenient time than 130am. I had a realization of sorts revovling around the fact that I do struggle with knowing "who I am" and I do wonder what happened to the guy I used to be. But I also realized something more pointed, I think. It's automatic for me to come up with quick, smartass comments that are usually very cocky. Basically I like to talk a LOT of trash and try to be funny...although sometimes I don't recognize the line until I have gone way too far over it. The weird thing is though, while I may sound cocky or put on an air of self-confidence, I just don't feel it, ever. Anyway, I save that exploration for a later date.
In any event, I think I made some progress today...at least some promises to myself.
- I did in fact go through this blog to check for anything that I may have put on here that should would cause me any kind of grief. I found some entries that, while I don't think were necessarily bad, I still decided to update to reduce the risk (for lack of a better word). I feel good about this decision overall, and happy that I at least kept my word to myself!
- While I haven't physically touched my boat yet, I am going to say I made progress and kept my word on that one. I have to have a spot in the garage to do some minor work (and get it off of the new grass), so I spent a LOT of time today toward that end. I feel good about that!
- I haven't picked up the Les Paul yet, but I did get all of the new RockBand3 stuff set-up and played the new Fender Mustang guitar on that last night. It was harder than the regular RockBand guitar, and a little harder than a real one, but it was fun, felt like a real one, and was a 45 minute break where ALL I thought about was JUST PLAYING GUITAR!!!! How fucking sweet is that! 45 minutes of NO bullshit in my head, joking around with my wife, and just having a good time.
All in all, the weekend has been pretty good so far. I need to finish up some therapy homework but I will do that tomorrow night. Four "Challenging Belief Worksheets" to complete...about 50% done. The last two I did, the Doc basically pulled my punk card. Although I thought I had put some good effort into them, after that session and the worksheet that I did in there, I realized that I didn't come close to the mark or put even half the effort that I needed to into the worksheet. Anyway, that's a whole nother topic I guess.
Back on topic: I am pretty happy with myself, despite my "funk," for having at least kept some promises to myself to do some enjoyable activities. I need to find more to do with my kids though. :-( Recently, I heard about this trail in the town accross the river that is supposed to be a lot of fun to bike ride, run, walk...whatever. Think it might be fun to go check out with the wife and kids one of these coming weekends. Can't run, but maybe the bike will be ok and not be too painful. Anyway, gonna end this post here and go to bed. Need to be up in six hours to get to the church early. I volunteered to help on the sound team, so have to be there REALLY early tomorrow (today), at least really early for our normal Sundays.
I would like to explore what I think about something, and will probably do it on here soon if I remember at a more convenient time than 130am. I had a realization of sorts revovling around the fact that I do struggle with knowing "who I am" and I do wonder what happened to the guy I used to be. But I also realized something more pointed, I think. It's automatic for me to come up with quick, smartass comments that are usually very cocky. Basically I like to talk a LOT of trash and try to be funny...although sometimes I don't recognize the line until I have gone way too far over it. The weird thing is though, while I may sound cocky or put on an air of self-confidence, I just don't feel it, ever. Anyway, I save that exploration for a later date.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Mind-Reading, Self-fullfilling prophesies, and knowing when to shut my mouth!
I have come to the conclusion that I am either king of self-fullfilling prophecies or that my "mind-reading" is pretty accurate sometimes. Why do I say this? Well, I think that this can be calculated through some deductive reasoning. The bottom line is that I generally am very, very good at knowing what people are thinking during conversations (whether they be face-to-face, email, text, etc.). A lot of times, if I say something or inquire about a reaction, I am generally told that I am incorrect if the question implies some negative or potential point of contention. Likewise, I am told I am correct, sometimes with some surprise, when I have identified a positive reaction. I know that probably 100% of the world's current adult population feels that they are the same way. But here is where I think I fall into a smaller class of people: 99% of the time I am correct about someone's personality and trustworthiness within one minute of meeting them. This doesn't mean that I decide to trust or not trust within that period, only that I recognize if the person is someone that WILL be trustworthy should I give them the option.
Where am I going with this??? Well, I have done a LOT of self-reflection recently and a ton of examining of my current relationships (work, home, play). It hasn't been an easy task nor a neccesarily fun one...although neccesary nonetheless. By doing this, I think I have developed an ad hoc scale on which to judge my own "mind-reading" of those I am dealing with in most situations. This, along with "Pluck," I think will go a long way in helping me get over this very strong problematic behavior.
So how does my scale work? Not sure that it can be quantified. However, it can be based upon varying degrees of individual trust and on situational trust. What do I mean by this? I THINK that I mean that once I meet someone, and especially after some conversation, I quickly learn if they are trustworthy. Then, as I learn more about them, I learn to recognize "what situations" I can hope to reliably trust them in. For instance, a friend (Named CJ) I had in highschool was a pathological liar...I would guess anyway. I couldn't stand it, but I learned to deal with it, and even used it to my advantage some times (although this usually involved chics, alchohol, money, or other substances). I knew that CJ would lie about anything that made him look bad so that he would appear in a better light to whomever he was speaking. However, I also learned that CJ could be counted on when the situations got shitty.
I take the thought of how I learned CJ and his mannerisms and attitudes, and I translated this into a varying scale of trust of how I dealt with CJ. It ended up working out very good for a long time and we stayed friends across the country for many more years. It wasn't until he disrespected my current wife and abused some help we were providing that I just decided to stop talking to him (in a rather agressive way). Of course, now that I think about, my friendship with CJ may have been one of the very few that really meant something to me and that I am actually sad it ended. His ability to be realistic about strange or tough situations and to be there when I needed I buddy, that's what counted and that's what let me look past everything else (especially the lying), until he crossed a line with my current wife.
Anyway, the lessons I learned from being friends with someone like CJ, and from being paranoid and watching people for a long, long time, are lessons that have served me well later in life. Sort of like providing me with that gut feeling about people. This has been rather important to me for a long time but has become something that I have bastardized into an uber-paranoid level of mindreading. However, when I take a step back and revist actions and conversations/exchanges, the general truth is available to me and I have found that I have been doing more mind-reading than making actual educated decisions about people and what they say/express. This week has for some reason been especially hard for this. It hasn't helped that I am completely out of my painkillers and have NO idea when to expect more since the VA system sucks ass!!!
This week, and a lot today for some reason, I had some realizations about the things that some people have said to me by "not saying" something. A person can communicate so much more in non-verbal than verbal ways, I believe. Subsequently, I have also realized that my mind-reading, although not far off in some of these situations, has definitely been wrong overall. My mind-reading has also gotten worse..to the point that it seems like I do with everyone, inlcuding my kids. Most importantly, I have also been able to identify when "NOT" to ask questions that I don't want the answer to or that I feel will be over some line. The only problem with this is that I am not always cognizant of what is "over the line" depending on whom I am talking with.
Where am I going with this??? Well, I have done a LOT of self-reflection recently and a ton of examining of my current relationships (work, home, play). It hasn't been an easy task nor a neccesarily fun one...although neccesary nonetheless. By doing this, I think I have developed an ad hoc scale on which to judge my own "mind-reading" of those I am dealing with in most situations. This, along with "Pluck," I think will go a long way in helping me get over this very strong problematic behavior.
So how does my scale work? Not sure that it can be quantified. However, it can be based upon varying degrees of individual trust and on situational trust. What do I mean by this? I THINK that I mean that once I meet someone, and especially after some conversation, I quickly learn if they are trustworthy. Then, as I learn more about them, I learn to recognize "what situations" I can hope to reliably trust them in. For instance, a friend (Named CJ) I had in highschool was a pathological liar...I would guess anyway. I couldn't stand it, but I learned to deal with it, and even used it to my advantage some times (although this usually involved chics, alchohol, money, or other substances). I knew that CJ would lie about anything that made him look bad so that he would appear in a better light to whomever he was speaking. However, I also learned that CJ could be counted on when the situations got shitty.
I take the thought of how I learned CJ and his mannerisms and attitudes, and I translated this into a varying scale of trust of how I dealt with CJ. It ended up working out very good for a long time and we stayed friends across the country for many more years. It wasn't until he disrespected my current wife and abused some help we were providing that I just decided to stop talking to him (in a rather agressive way). Of course, now that I think about, my friendship with CJ may have been one of the very few that really meant something to me and that I am actually sad it ended. His ability to be realistic about strange or tough situations and to be there when I needed I buddy, that's what counted and that's what let me look past everything else (especially the lying), until he crossed a line with my current wife.
Anyway, the lessons I learned from being friends with someone like CJ, and from being paranoid and watching people for a long, long time, are lessons that have served me well later in life. Sort of like providing me with that gut feeling about people. This has been rather important to me for a long time but has become something that I have bastardized into an uber-paranoid level of mindreading. However, when I take a step back and revist actions and conversations/exchanges, the general truth is available to me and I have found that I have been doing more mind-reading than making actual educated decisions about people and what they say/express. This week has for some reason been especially hard for this. It hasn't helped that I am completely out of my painkillers and have NO idea when to expect more since the VA system sucks ass!!!
This week, and a lot today for some reason, I had some realizations about the things that some people have said to me by "not saying" something. A person can communicate so much more in non-verbal than verbal ways, I believe. Subsequently, I have also realized that my mind-reading, although not far off in some of these situations, has definitely been wrong overall. My mind-reading has also gotten worse..to the point that it seems like I do with everyone, inlcuding my kids. Most importantly, I have also been able to identify when "NOT" to ask questions that I don't want the answer to or that I feel will be over some line. The only problem with this is that I am not always cognizant of what is "over the line" depending on whom I am talking with.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Need to make time for things I enjoy!
I realized today that I miss my hobbies, as much as I miss who I am (or who I was???). I really need to get my boat fixed and on the water. And I need to get my guitars out and play. I can't spend all this time in my head thinking of the past or worrying about my future. I know that I have to find time to relax...to be with myself. Our Hobbies, and more precisely our actions, make up a large part of who we are...after all, actions speak louder than words. Or, as I like to say: Words don't mean SHIT!
It's not that I ever wanted to NOT do the things I enjoy. It's that I allowed myself to be engulfed my own misery and self-pity and sefl-assigned guilt. I think now that it was as if I just figured that I should never enjoy anything again because of what I believed I had done wrong to so many people, so many damn times. Really, it was, I think, like my own form of self-punishment...to throw all of my energy into work, school, tasks, and NONE into anything enjoyable. I would go so far as to say that, while I may at times enjoy sex, I have even found over the last couple of years that it had become more of a function of release and making the wife happy than of just enjoying it like a normal person. And friends, or "having" friends has become a chore at times, or at least I have allowed it to be...or maybe just made it to be?
Whether or not I am guilty of any of the things that haunt me, or if my shame is deserved, or if my pain is self-inflicted...I guess I need to keep working on that. But that's the point of this little post, that I need to work on these things called stuckpoints and that maybe part of the healing process, the work that remains to be done, is that I need to focus on things I enjoy to. I need to promise this to me, and not to anyone else. I need to find that focal point, the mantra, the center, that will allow me to keep this promise. I HATE to break promises and I think i can count on one the times I have in the last 20 years. So a promise to myself, as long as I keep it, might be the extra help that I need when the world is crashing down and I am lost! The risk is that I might break the promise, which would of course start the usual recursive cycle of mental self-punishment.
So I am gonna start small. I promise to spend time on fixing my boat, at least an hour, this weekend. I also promise to go through this blog and remove those things that I hoped would remain hidden in plain sight. (Sidenote: suprised that anyone found this just becuase of the topic and lack of publicizing really).
It's not that I ever wanted to NOT do the things I enjoy. It's that I allowed myself to be engulfed my own misery and self-pity and sefl-assigned guilt. I think now that it was as if I just figured that I should never enjoy anything again because of what I believed I had done wrong to so many people, so many damn times. Really, it was, I think, like my own form of self-punishment...to throw all of my energy into work, school, tasks, and NONE into anything enjoyable. I would go so far as to say that, while I may at times enjoy sex, I have even found over the last couple of years that it had become more of a function of release and making the wife happy than of just enjoying it like a normal person. And friends, or "having" friends has become a chore at times, or at least I have allowed it to be...or maybe just made it to be?
Whether or not I am guilty of any of the things that haunt me, or if my shame is deserved, or if my pain is self-inflicted...I guess I need to keep working on that. But that's the point of this little post, that I need to work on these things called stuckpoints and that maybe part of the healing process, the work that remains to be done, is that I need to focus on things I enjoy to. I need to promise this to me, and not to anyone else. I need to find that focal point, the mantra, the center, that will allow me to keep this promise. I HATE to break promises and I think i can count on one the times I have in the last 20 years. So a promise to myself, as long as I keep it, might be the extra help that I need when the world is crashing down and I am lost! The risk is that I might break the promise, which would of course start the usual recursive cycle of mental self-punishment.
So I am gonna start small. I promise to spend time on fixing my boat, at least an hour, this weekend. I also promise to go through this blog and remove those things that I hoped would remain hidden in plain sight. (Sidenote: suprised that anyone found this just becuase of the topic and lack of publicizing really).
Thursday, June 9, 2011
How I got Diagnosed and Family Support
I think that a lot of work by doctors, therapists, and pharmacists goes into helping veterans with PTSD. These are the people that we with PTSD tend to immediately, and long term, learn to rely upon. I wonder if it's the same for most veterans: you don't want to admit there's a problem, you don't want anyone to know there is something wrong, you just want to be left the fuck alone. Sometimes I would take this too far...just live in my head and almost in a reverent fashion, worship my own guilt and shame and anger. Then I got help. My wife basically said: "you have anger issues...get help or get out!"
So I went to the VA and asked about anger management courses...the asshole doctor sent me to a psychiatrist in teh OIF/OEF clinic who subsequently diagnosed me with PTSD. From there it was some pushing and pulling. I really, I mean REALLY, wanted the help. I knew that if I didn't do it then, I would NEVER do it. The path I took to get where I am now was a basically reluctant path on my part and I think on my my awesome Doc's part. She thought I was an asshole, I didn't think I could trust her, or be completely open with a woman, especially a good looking one. However, I took a chance on her, her skill level, and her concern and I think it was the greatest choice I could have made there.
But that's at the VA, where I don't live or sleep or eat. I go there for appointments only. I don't even like to use the bathrooms there! It took me over a year of PTSD therapy, at least one drunken night of crying like a fucking baby, and a frustrating conversation (or 30) with my wife. However, in the end I made an even greater decision: I decided to let my wife in on a little bit of what's going on in my head, my trauma (Iraq and the OTHER shit!!!), and my pain. My oldest child even knows a little bit...at least enough to keep her from getting hit by reflexes when she would try to suprise me or sneak up on me.
So my wife knows a little bit of different parts of the pain. She is also usually very supportive...unless she's in that short temper mood (which is a WHOLE different topic), and is understanding a lot more than she used to about why I act the way I do in certain situations/activities. Bottom line, I may have the best Doctor and the best group that anyone could EVER hope for, but I DO have the best wife that a guy like me could hope for and I am glad I got over my fear to let her in.
I still haven't shared everything with her...she doesn't even know about this blog, not even that I have it. I still need to let her read my trauma statement...but I need to look to make sure that certain things aren't in there. However, she's the one I lean on the most. I may annoy the Doc and my friends, but at 1 am, when I am freaking out, it's her I am going to talk to first now.
So I recommend to any veteran suffering from PTSD, in order of importance and reliability:
1) Talk with your SPOUSE/GF/BF/Fuck Buddy
2) Do NOT have more than one person in your life from the list above
3) Trust your Doctor(s). If you can't, don't waste time getting a new one...just make sure you have one!!!
4) Trust the process. Even if it sucks or hurts or feels worse than the actual trauma.
5) Remember the work that YOU do, the progress that YOU make!!! Don't discount yourself at ALL!!!
So I went to the VA and asked about anger management courses...the asshole doctor sent me to a psychiatrist in teh OIF/OEF clinic who subsequently diagnosed me with PTSD. From there it was some pushing and pulling. I really, I mean REALLY, wanted the help. I knew that if I didn't do it then, I would NEVER do it. The path I took to get where I am now was a basically reluctant path on my part and I think on my my awesome Doc's part. She thought I was an asshole, I didn't think I could trust her, or be completely open with a woman, especially a good looking one. However, I took a chance on her, her skill level, and her concern and I think it was the greatest choice I could have made there.
But that's at the VA, where I don't live or sleep or eat. I go there for appointments only. I don't even like to use the bathrooms there! It took me over a year of PTSD therapy, at least one drunken night of crying like a fucking baby, and a frustrating conversation (or 30) with my wife. However, in the end I made an even greater decision: I decided to let my wife in on a little bit of what's going on in my head, my trauma (Iraq and the OTHER shit!!!), and my pain. My oldest child even knows a little bit...at least enough to keep her from getting hit by reflexes when she would try to suprise me or sneak up on me.
So my wife knows a little bit of different parts of the pain. She is also usually very supportive...unless she's in that short temper mood (which is a WHOLE different topic), and is understanding a lot more than she used to about why I act the way I do in certain situations/activities. Bottom line, I may have the best Doctor and the best group that anyone could EVER hope for, but I DO have the best wife that a guy like me could hope for and I am glad I got over my fear to let her in.
I still haven't shared everything with her...she doesn't even know about this blog, not even that I have it. I still need to let her read my trauma statement...but I need to look to make sure that certain things aren't in there. However, she's the one I lean on the most. I may annoy the Doc and my friends, but at 1 am, when I am freaking out, it's her I am going to talk to first now.
So I recommend to any veteran suffering from PTSD, in order of importance and reliability:
1) Talk with your SPOUSE/GF/BF/Fuck Buddy
2) Do NOT have more than one person in your life from the list above
3) Trust your Doctor(s). If you can't, don't waste time getting a new one...just make sure you have one!!!
4) Trust the process. Even if it sucks or hurts or feels worse than the actual trauma.
5) Remember the work that YOU do, the progress that YOU make!!! Don't discount yourself at ALL!!!
Good times today...no homocide, suicide, fratricide, or pesticide! :-)
Today was pretty good. It was really good I would say actually, with the exception of being very tired, hurting my back pretty back, and fighting the urge to "go back" to Iraq, as well as my childhood :-( in my mind. Anyway, I figured instead of falling asleep, I would write this while I waited to get ready to go learn how to work the sound system at the church.
A group I am a member of had a function today at a state park. Most everyone was there, which was really cool. The Doc and the rec therapist both seemed strange, seeing Shane was pretty awesome, as was his guitar and songs, and seeing everyone else was great! It was great to have someone other than the Doc and Vietnam vets to talk with. Don't get me wrong, I have NOTHING but respect for ALL vets, but talking with someone from your own generation and from the same was as you...that's a little bit easier for me to open up anyway. Plus, although we have different stories, I think Shane and I have a lot of the same charactor traits which caused us to beat the shit out of ourselves over a lot of things!
I will say that I was nervous about possible incidents with one person due to what has appeard to be a split in the group as to some information and beliefs. Also, there is a guy in group that as soon as he raises his hands and voice in anger, it just takes me back to a horrible place. So I was a little apprehensive when I first saw him there, but got over it pretty quickly. Of course we kind of inadvertently stayed away from the main group due to letting the kids go swimming, so that worked out OK in that regard.
One thing I talked about with Shane and that has been on my mind as of late is Suicide. No...I do not wish to commit suicide. However, we did talk about the memories being buried so well and then haunting you later which did happen to me regarding suicide a few years ago now. The thing that I know scares the shit out of me is: If I had the thought and the plan once, it is possible for me to get in a such a bad state mentally and that I could have the same kind of thoughts and plans. That wieghs pretty heavy on me right now!
I don't believe in suicide. I have been saying that for years. Doug trying when I was in middle school followed by others succeeding, as well as my mother's own many many attempts. It used to be, until I rememberd my own plan, that I would just talk very hateful and insulting about those who tried it, whether they succeeded or not. How humbling it was to recall that I had a plan of involving a lot a of prescription narcotics and alcohol. Nothing like an OD to fix problems right? WRONG. That night I remembered being pissed that my wife wasn't going to make it back from where she was...and I was not going to do anything with my kids there without her being home. What if they needed something or got hurt, even if it was after bedtime when I was planning on doing this. Thank God that my wife didn't make it home that night, or I wouldn't be here today. And now, knowing that I, the guy who was a complete ASSHOLE to anyone about suicide, had a plan to do it myself..that is humbling and scary.
I think now too that maybe I had been suicidal for a long time and was just in denial or calling it by different names. That's why I think I owe my wife, my few friends, and the Doc (who I think of as one of my best friends...but VA ethics and all...stupid! ). I owe my life to those who put up with me, who wouldn't take my shit, but who have also shown patience. I don't recall having had a plan to kill myself after that night. However, I do recall MANY times before the last 12 months or so that I just really wanted to be dead. The thoughts like: if a semi would just crash into me, or, if these hairclippers cut my neck on accident....stupid shit like that...passive suicidal thoughts maybe??? Not sure, but they still scared me. And the fact that I ever got to that piont makes me extra worried, but a worry based on vigilance or early-warning watch, that I could go back there easily.
It is just funny to me how my thought processes have ALL gotten jacked up since the summer I left the Army. If it wasn't for the therapy and the Doc putting up with my shit, I know for a fact that one or more of the following would be true: I'd be dead, I'd be divorced, I wouldn't have my kids with me, I'd be flipping burgers in some town up north instead of doing what I am good at, or I'd have moved in with some old ex-girlfriend or hooker just because it would be a relationship with no emotional ties, or I'd have never bought a second house or changed jobs. I guess, my thought process was, and still is somewhat, so jacked up that with PTSD therapy and a Doc that gives a shit (I think so anyway), I would have gotten more and more afraid of everything and I would have just run away or found a way to die without committing suicide.
As for homocide...can't think of any plans there! Fratricide (spelled right even??)..definitely no plans there as I would lay down my life for my brothers and family. However, pesticide got me today to, at least in the form of stepping on a ton of spiders. lol
A group I am a member of had a function today at a state park. Most everyone was there, which was really cool. The Doc and the rec therapist both seemed strange, seeing Shane was pretty awesome, as was his guitar and songs, and seeing everyone else was great! It was great to have someone other than the Doc and Vietnam vets to talk with. Don't get me wrong, I have NOTHING but respect for ALL vets, but talking with someone from your own generation and from the same was as you...that's a little bit easier for me to open up anyway. Plus, although we have different stories, I think Shane and I have a lot of the same charactor traits which caused us to beat the shit out of ourselves over a lot of things!
I will say that I was nervous about possible incidents with one person due to what has appeard to be a split in the group as to some information and beliefs. Also, there is a guy in group that as soon as he raises his hands and voice in anger, it just takes me back to a horrible place. So I was a little apprehensive when I first saw him there, but got over it pretty quickly. Of course we kind of inadvertently stayed away from the main group due to letting the kids go swimming, so that worked out OK in that regard.
One thing I talked about with Shane and that has been on my mind as of late is Suicide. No...I do not wish to commit suicide. However, we did talk about the memories being buried so well and then haunting you later which did happen to me regarding suicide a few years ago now. The thing that I know scares the shit out of me is: If I had the thought and the plan once, it is possible for me to get in a such a bad state mentally and that I could have the same kind of thoughts and plans. That wieghs pretty heavy on me right now!
I don't believe in suicide. I have been saying that for years. Doug trying when I was in middle school followed by others succeeding, as well as my mother's own many many attempts. It used to be, until I rememberd my own plan, that I would just talk very hateful and insulting about those who tried it, whether they succeeded or not. How humbling it was to recall that I had a plan of involving a lot a of prescription narcotics and alcohol. Nothing like an OD to fix problems right? WRONG. That night I remembered being pissed that my wife wasn't going to make it back from where she was...and I was not going to do anything with my kids there without her being home. What if they needed something or got hurt, even if it was after bedtime when I was planning on doing this. Thank God that my wife didn't make it home that night, or I wouldn't be here today. And now, knowing that I, the guy who was a complete ASSHOLE to anyone about suicide, had a plan to do it myself..that is humbling and scary.
I think now too that maybe I had been suicidal for a long time and was just in denial or calling it by different names. That's why I think I owe my wife, my few friends, and the Doc (who I think of as one of my best friends...but VA ethics and all...stupid! ). I owe my life to those who put up with me, who wouldn't take my shit, but who have also shown patience. I don't recall having had a plan to kill myself after that night. However, I do recall MANY times before the last 12 months or so that I just really wanted to be dead. The thoughts like: if a semi would just crash into me, or, if these hairclippers cut my neck on accident....stupid shit like that...passive suicidal thoughts maybe??? Not sure, but they still scared me. And the fact that I ever got to that piont makes me extra worried, but a worry based on vigilance or early-warning watch, that I could go back there easily.
It is just funny to me how my thought processes have ALL gotten jacked up since the summer I left the Army. If it wasn't for the therapy and the Doc putting up with my shit, I know for a fact that one or more of the following would be true: I'd be dead, I'd be divorced, I wouldn't have my kids with me, I'd be flipping burgers in some town up north instead of doing what I am good at, or I'd have moved in with some old ex-girlfriend or hooker just because it would be a relationship with no emotional ties, or I'd have never bought a second house or changed jobs. I guess, my thought process was, and still is somewhat, so jacked up that with PTSD therapy and a Doc that gives a shit (I think so anyway), I would have gotten more and more afraid of everything and I would have just run away or found a way to die without committing suicide.
As for homocide...can't think of any plans there! Fratricide (spelled right even??)..definitely no plans there as I would lay down my life for my brothers and family. However, pesticide got me today to, at least in the form of stepping on a ton of spiders. lol
Physical emotions?
Sometimes I wonder about my memory and wish I had time to learn more about how the human brain, body, and senses. It is peculiar and yet frustrating how senses can trigger memories, and how memories can arise in senses...if I am stating that correctly?
Sometimes, and I don't just mean during a flashback, I can feel, smell, taste, and hear things. And let me just say now that this is far more unpleasant than it is pleasant. But how does it work??? How can I be at my desk doing homework, like tonight, and smell the same smell that permeated my site in Iraq. Or, how can I be talking through a painful childhood experience and actually feel the same physical pain I felt then?
It's 1 am and I have to be up at 530. My house is set to 72 degrees, yet it feels like 172 degrees in my office upstairs (maybe all the computers running??? lol ) and just makes me think of my damn trailer that I was in the last six months in Iraq. It's not a flashback, but a lot of the physical memories keep coming to me...the uncomfortable bed I am sitting on using my laptop, the sound of the window AC working too fucking hard, the find dust on my fingers and keyboard that punctuates every keystroke. It's probably a great time for me to go to bed, yet I feel like talking or sharing or explaining or just doing SOMETHING!!! At least tomorrow (today on the east coast) I will only have to be at work for a little bit and then go to a pretty fun function. Of course, I will be tired as shit, as usual, and that means I have to watch my temper and attitude and mindfulness, lest I get my ass into trouble with any number of people that I actually care about. Those people are all the ones I wish I could talk to right now...not that any one thing is bothering me...just a little...amped???...but not in the "fight or flight" way. More in the "just let me get it off my chest" way, if that makes sense. I could go wake my wife up and annoy the shit outta her...except she's already annoyed that I had to get some homework done TONIGHT, instead of have crazy hot sex with her. Tomorrow I could talk the ear off of any number of people, including at least 2 who I really care about, and who I believe (at least half the time) care about me. But that's tomorrow...not right now.
Right now I just want to talk, so I am typing here at 50 words per minute while my brain is going 5 million words per second. Quite the disconnect I think. What's going through my head: Iraq, the PX, that poor and fatal choice I made on the fence, sex with my wife, sex with old girlfriends, my kids, my illegitamate kids, moving, not moving, Iraq, Anaconda (what a fucking place that was...Mortaritaville we called it), incoming rounds, incoming alerts, tracers over my head, bullets hitting the building, that bitch teacher, the shadowman, the fucking barmaid, the assholes in the middle (I should put the names of the accused, that I can remember, on here..wouldn't that be cathartic!!!!), therapy, progress in therapy, failures in therapy, do I continue therapy?, is the Doc just going through the motions?, if the Doc isn't than does that mean concern and help is genuine and will be there when I need it for a least a little while longer, talking more with my wife, talking more with my children, my childhood, missing Michigan, hating Florida, hating some people, hating myself, loving myself, the sound of the generators at my site on Anaconda (loud fuckers they were!), having webcam sex with my wife(and almost getting caught by female section Sergeant), having crazy sex with my wife, staying up to do homework and MISSING sex with my wife, sleep, not getting sleep, bad fucking dreams, good dreams, crazy and wierd dreams, dreams that don't make sense, dreams that will never come true, dreams that might unfortunately come true, my mother, my father, my job, my houses, my fucking dogs and fish.....
Too much in the head and I just need to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. Going to stop here and get some sleep, or at least try. Guess I can try to check back in within myself on here tomorrow. Which reminds me...I think I have to move this blog or do something to make it more private. Not only HAVE people actually read things on here, someone put a link to it on facebook....WTF is that about?????
Sometimes, and I don't just mean during a flashback, I can feel, smell, taste, and hear things. And let me just say now that this is far more unpleasant than it is pleasant. But how does it work??? How can I be at my desk doing homework, like tonight, and smell the same smell that permeated my site in Iraq. Or, how can I be talking through a painful childhood experience and actually feel the same physical pain I felt then?
It's 1 am and I have to be up at 530. My house is set to 72 degrees, yet it feels like 172 degrees in my office upstairs (maybe all the computers running??? lol ) and just makes me think of my damn trailer that I was in the last six months in Iraq. It's not a flashback, but a lot of the physical memories keep coming to me...the uncomfortable bed I am sitting on using my laptop, the sound of the window AC working too fucking hard, the find dust on my fingers and keyboard that punctuates every keystroke. It's probably a great time for me to go to bed, yet I feel like talking or sharing or explaining or just doing SOMETHING!!! At least tomorrow (today on the east coast) I will only have to be at work for a little bit and then go to a pretty fun function. Of course, I will be tired as shit, as usual, and that means I have to watch my temper and attitude and mindfulness, lest I get my ass into trouble with any number of people that I actually care about. Those people are all the ones I wish I could talk to right now...not that any one thing is bothering me...just a little...amped???...but not in the "fight or flight" way. More in the "just let me get it off my chest" way, if that makes sense. I could go wake my wife up and annoy the shit outta her...except she's already annoyed that I had to get some homework done TONIGHT, instead of have crazy hot sex with her. Tomorrow I could talk the ear off of any number of people, including at least 2 who I really care about, and who I believe (at least half the time) care about me. But that's tomorrow...not right now.
Right now I just want to talk, so I am typing here at 50 words per minute while my brain is going 5 million words per second. Quite the disconnect I think. What's going through my head: Iraq, the PX, that poor and fatal choice I made on the fence, sex with my wife, sex with old girlfriends, my kids, my illegitamate kids, moving, not moving, Iraq, Anaconda (what a fucking place that was...Mortaritaville we called it), incoming rounds, incoming alerts, tracers over my head, bullets hitting the building, that bitch teacher, the shadowman, the fucking barmaid, the assholes in the middle (I should put the names of the accused, that I can remember, on here..wouldn't that be cathartic!!!!), therapy, progress in therapy, failures in therapy, do I continue therapy?, is the Doc just going through the motions?, if the Doc isn't than does that mean concern and help is genuine and will be there when I need it for a least a little while longer, talking more with my wife, talking more with my children, my childhood, missing Michigan, hating Florida, hating some people, hating myself, loving myself, the sound of the generators at my site on Anaconda (loud fuckers they were!), having webcam sex with my wife(and almost getting caught by female section Sergeant), having crazy sex with my wife, staying up to do homework and MISSING sex with my wife, sleep, not getting sleep, bad fucking dreams, good dreams, crazy and wierd dreams, dreams that don't make sense, dreams that will never come true, dreams that might unfortunately come true, my mother, my father, my job, my houses, my fucking dogs and fish.....
Too much in the head and I just need to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. Going to stop here and get some sleep, or at least try. Guess I can try to check back in within myself on here tomorrow. Which reminds me...I think I have to move this blog or do something to make it more private. Not only HAVE people actually read things on here, someone put a link to it on facebook....WTF is that about?????
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Sometimes I do stupid shit for no good reason!!!
I find that I am constantly in some fucked up state of mind all the time, or at least most of the time. Today...no exception. The bad memory and the self-judgement and the self-hatred...all of it kind of fucked me up for the whole day. And some of it was kind of ironic, or at least coincidental, timing.
So today I forgot that I had a mid-term...a MID-TERM...who the fuck forgets that!!! Talk about being pissed off at myself...I about wanted to smash shit when I heard. Not because I was or wasn't ready, but because I had forgotten something so important.
Then I get an email response (and here's the coincidence as I had just written about this yesterday) regarding some of my pressing questions about keeping this blog and finding maybe a mantra stronger than Pluck or Fold to help me in more diverse times of being amped up or getting lost in my head. Seems I did it AGAIN and wasted someone's time with ridiculous shit that really has no importance to anyone but me. Which is where I started to do the usual....mind-reading, all or nothing thinking, exaggerating....same shit. Figured I MUST of have once again annoyed this person immensely, that they must be really fucking sick of me, and that I am just being a whiner. Mindreading at its best I think. ummmm.....Pluck! At least this person responded, even as overwhelmingly busy as they are (which means I shouldn't bother them with anything either...don't want to burden anyone).
Then there was just the general banter at work...which is usually hilarious and never malicious...except today I was convinced it was malicious. Had to Forcibly remind myself that no one was out to get me and that no was really thinking anything shitty of me. ummm.....Pluck! ...again!!!
Then, of all damn things, I was in a flashback tonight of getting shot at back on that fucking convoy escort duty. I didn't want to be around anyone after that...really, REALLY, had to spend some time breathing and trying to calm down...but then it was time to take the wife and the kids to church...and the Doc wonders why sometimes I still want to run away from everything. Running away wouldn't solve anything...but it would definitely let me live with my own mistakes without hurting anyone else again....but that's a whole different post I guess. Speaking of different posts, one of the things I am debating on doing is writing more about my trauma itself, and about the flashbacks and the dreams, as well as "copying" to here some of the past homework I have had to do for the therapy. Maybe an OK idea?
So the thing to do tonight??? Watch some 70's grindhouse movies while doing homework and try my damnedest to NOT think stupid shit about anything. The 70's grindhouse sexploitation stuff is pretty awesome...even if the women need to find a razor. I am SOOO hoping tonight that between that and C++, I can get my mind empty of the terrible shit for one night...a few hours...something!
So today I forgot that I had a mid-term...a MID-TERM...who the fuck forgets that!!! Talk about being pissed off at myself...I about wanted to smash shit when I heard. Not because I was or wasn't ready, but because I had forgotten something so important.
Then I get an email response (and here's the coincidence as I had just written about this yesterday) regarding some of my pressing questions about keeping this blog and finding maybe a mantra stronger than Pluck or Fold to help me in more diverse times of being amped up or getting lost in my head. Seems I did it AGAIN and wasted someone's time with ridiculous shit that really has no importance to anyone but me. Which is where I started to do the usual....mind-reading, all or nothing thinking, exaggerating....same shit. Figured I MUST of have once again annoyed this person immensely, that they must be really fucking sick of me, and that I am just being a whiner. Mindreading at its best I think. ummmm.....Pluck! At least this person responded, even as overwhelmingly busy as they are (which means I shouldn't bother them with anything either...don't want to burden anyone).
Then there was just the general banter at work...which is usually hilarious and never malicious...except today I was convinced it was malicious. Had to Forcibly remind myself that no one was out to get me and that no was really thinking anything shitty of me. ummm.....Pluck! ...again!!!
Then, of all damn things, I was in a flashback tonight of getting shot at back on that fucking convoy escort duty. I didn't want to be around anyone after that...really, REALLY, had to spend some time breathing and trying to calm down...but then it was time to take the wife and the kids to church...and the Doc wonders why sometimes I still want to run away from everything. Running away wouldn't solve anything...but it would definitely let me live with my own mistakes without hurting anyone else again....but that's a whole different post I guess. Speaking of different posts, one of the things I am debating on doing is writing more about my trauma itself, and about the flashbacks and the dreams, as well as "copying" to here some of the past homework I have had to do for the therapy. Maybe an OK idea?
So the thing to do tonight??? Watch some 70's grindhouse movies while doing homework and try my damnedest to NOT think stupid shit about anything. The 70's grindhouse sexploitation stuff is pretty awesome...even if the women need to find a razor. I am SOOO hoping tonight that between that and C++, I can get my mind empty of the terrible shit for one night...a few hours...something!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Brain Vitamins need to be adjusted...maybe?
How do you know when your brain vitamins aren't doing the right thing anymore? I have been having such a rough couple of weeks that I wonder if it's a need to get my meds increased, or just a funk from all the shit I've been sitting in with the therapy? Apathy is really, REALLY, king of my actions right now. About the only things I am getting into and almost, a little bit, excited about are those that require a challenge of my skills.
I'm dealing with a temper issue recently too. Not a temper issue as in I want to whoop someone's ass...just little things all day and night are pissing me off...affecting my appetite, my desire to talk with anyone (family, friends, coworkers, etc.), my sleep, and my motivation. I guess it sounds like depression now that I have enumerated these..but it's more anger than depression...I think??? It's not taking much to annoy me, that's for certain. I have found myself mad, and personally hurt, that I haven't gotten some answers to some recent questions that I posed. Not really emergency or even important questions...but questions I want answers to nonetheless. Actually, there kinda stupid questions, at least 2 of the ones I haven't gotten and answer back on: SHOULD I do this blog at all, or is there some risk to me or others that I am overlooking? and, Is it worth my time and effort to try to identify a mantra/phrase to help ground me in other situations where words I already use don't help? Like I said, stupid questions...to everyone but me anyway. :-( The other questions are much more serious but I can't push the issues.
Actually, I can write about this here: There is a possibility that I have another child...from a fling with an ex-girlfriend. Her and I hooked up for two days straight...which is actually hard to believe since she only wanted penetration, no oral or petting or foreplay really. But I digress (LOL)...turns out that she had a kid 9 months later. For a long time she swore he wasn't mine and it wasn't until much later that she said he was. Now the question I have put to two people: What the fuck should I do? The right thing is to take responsibility. However, she is not in favor of a DNA test through courts. Although, she did mention some website where people could do DNA test for a cheap amount. Kid kinda looks like me and I feel bad for him, immensely so, because he is autistic to some level. But then I have to worry about the possible impact on my other kids, and on my wife. She knows about the possibility...has known since day 1. She just won't be happy about it. Especially not now since we have been trying to have another baby.
So, I guess I'm just in an angry, short-fused, place. I don't blame people for ignoring me since I feel like I deserve it. It's the stuckpoints of: I deserve it (bad shit), I am not worth anything, I am weak, I annoy people, I push people away, I ALWAYS make offensive mistakes, and I am a piece of shit. Then there's the mindreading I do (though PLUCK has helped a LOT with that)...They can't stand me, They don't think I'm funny, They are looking for a reason to run/leave conversation/stop talking to me/stop helping me/fire me/etc.
The good news is that I have learned some good tools via CPT...and some via PE. I am not so afraid today of my future or of my interactions. But I do NEED to work on the mindreading and stuckpoints even more! I guess I need to work on staying on topic too. LOL. Funny to me because I was just told yesterday by someone that they weren't "putting up with you [me] deflectors"...which I guess is something I do well through tangents and smartass comments. In any event, I do, especially now looking back at what I have written, think I need to discuss my meds again.
I'm dealing with a temper issue recently too. Not a temper issue as in I want to whoop someone's ass...just little things all day and night are pissing me off...affecting my appetite, my desire to talk with anyone (family, friends, coworkers, etc.), my sleep, and my motivation. I guess it sounds like depression now that I have enumerated these..but it's more anger than depression...I think??? It's not taking much to annoy me, that's for certain. I have found myself mad, and personally hurt, that I haven't gotten some answers to some recent questions that I posed. Not really emergency or even important questions...but questions I want answers to nonetheless. Actually, there kinda stupid questions, at least 2 of the ones I haven't gotten and answer back on: SHOULD I do this blog at all, or is there some risk to me or others that I am overlooking? and, Is it worth my time and effort to try to identify a mantra/phrase to help ground me in other situations where words I already use don't help? Like I said, stupid questions...to everyone but me anyway. :-( The other questions are much more serious but I can't push the issues.
Actually, I can write about this here: There is a possibility that I have another child...from a fling with an ex-girlfriend. Her and I hooked up for two days straight...which is actually hard to believe since she only wanted penetration, no oral or petting or foreplay really. But I digress (LOL)...turns out that she had a kid 9 months later. For a long time she swore he wasn't mine and it wasn't until much later that she said he was. Now the question I have put to two people: What the fuck should I do? The right thing is to take responsibility. However, she is not in favor of a DNA test through courts. Although, she did mention some website where people could do DNA test for a cheap amount. Kid kinda looks like me and I feel bad for him, immensely so, because he is autistic to some level. But then I have to worry about the possible impact on my other kids, and on my wife. She knows about the possibility...has known since day 1. She just won't be happy about it. Especially not now since we have been trying to have another baby.
So, I guess I'm just in an angry, short-fused, place. I don't blame people for ignoring me since I feel like I deserve it. It's the stuckpoints of: I deserve it (bad shit), I am not worth anything, I am weak, I annoy people, I push people away, I ALWAYS make offensive mistakes, and I am a piece of shit. Then there's the mindreading I do (though PLUCK has helped a LOT with that)...They can't stand me, They don't think I'm funny, They are looking for a reason to run/leave conversation/stop talking to me/stop helping me/fire me/etc.
The good news is that I have learned some good tools via CPT...and some via PE. I am not so afraid today of my future or of my interactions. But I do NEED to work on the mindreading and stuckpoints even more! I guess I need to work on staying on topic too. LOL. Funny to me because I was just told yesterday by someone that they weren't "putting up with you [me] deflectors"...which I guess is something I do well through tangents and smartass comments. In any event, I do, especially now looking back at what I have written, think I need to discuss my meds again.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Getting past the misery: 4 things to try
Today I was reminded that I had, in fact, done a lot of work through CPT and PE over the last 18 months. I kind of feel like the Doc is ready to move into a "maintenance" phase...although I don't know if I am ready for that. Some days I really am just ready to do the once-in-a-while check-in appointments and other days I wish I had 5 appointments a week. Those long and miserable days are the worst.
But I also realized that one of the things I have done over the last 18 months is maybe, just maybe, learned how to better handle those situtations when I am just feeling shitty. Shitty being: depressed, pissed off, violent, scared...just plain misery from one thing or another. I have found that the easiest things are the ones that help the most:
1) Remember who I am, or at least want to be!
2) Remember to breath. If it's bad, breath slow, really slow, using diaphramatic breathing to center myself. I should say that when I do this as a Mindfullness exercise, I almost always have to fight the "self-hypnotizing" that seems to occur as I calm down...re-center!
3) PLUCK...especially if I am in my head about what others are thinking in a tough situation! Simple word, simple philosphy, and came from a simple discussion!!! If you don't know PLUCK, scroll to an older post on here and check it out!
4) Take a walk, move around, do something physical....get the FUCK off your ass and change your environment...even if it's only from your desk to the hallway!!!! I know that if I don't move around....I can get caught really bad in a flashback or memory. Hell, I have even had to pull over my truck and get out of it!
5) Seek some help if you haven't already! I should include the phone number here...think I will go find it really quick.
Crisis Hotline -- Call 911 if life or death, otherwise, this number is a great starting place:
1-800-273-8255
VA PTSD Startpage
http://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/
My favorite qoute tonight:
But I also realized that one of the things I have done over the last 18 months is maybe, just maybe, learned how to better handle those situtations when I am just feeling shitty. Shitty being: depressed, pissed off, violent, scared...just plain misery from one thing or another. I have found that the easiest things are the ones that help the most:
1) Remember who I am, or at least want to be!
2) Remember to breath. If it's bad, breath slow, really slow, using diaphramatic breathing to center myself. I should say that when I do this as a Mindfullness exercise, I almost always have to fight the "self-hypnotizing" that seems to occur as I calm down...re-center!
3) PLUCK...especially if I am in my head about what others are thinking in a tough situation! Simple word, simple philosphy, and came from a simple discussion!!! If you don't know PLUCK, scroll to an older post on here and check it out!
4) Take a walk, move around, do something physical....get the FUCK off your ass and change your environment...even if it's only from your desk to the hallway!!!! I know that if I don't move around....I can get caught really bad in a flashback or memory. Hell, I have even had to pull over my truck and get out of it!
5) Seek some help if you haven't already! I should include the phone number here...think I will go find it really quick.
Crisis Hotline -- Call 911 if life or death, otherwise, this number is a great starting place:
1-800-273-8255
VA PTSD Startpage
http://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/
My favorite qoute tonight:
“They’re one in the same, I must isolate you…Isolate and save you from yourself….” --A Perfect Circle
Journaling, Blogging, and Anonymity
So...I started journaling months ago at the Doc's request (order?). I like it, to be completely honest. It has allowed me to just let things flow in a why...to be able to write what I want. Actually what happens most of the time is that I get in the almost fugue state and "just write." I never seem to recall what I have written, and I have almost never gone back over it...much like this blog. There is a difference between the journal and blog though. The Doc would read the journal entries out loud and provide feedback or positive criticism whereas, with the exception of one person, I don't think anyone has ever read this blog.
Pros and Cons of the journal and the blog:
Pros for Journal: feedback, a little slower writing than typing (a little more control over what I write).
Pros for Blog: anonymity, and no one reads this.
Cons for Journal: physical record of what I have written and easily more traceable to me than my blog, sometimes the fact that I write some borderline shit and forget so there have been some embarrasing times with the Doc reading things.
Cons for Blog: No feedback since no one reads it. It's on the web.
So here's my thinking: If I don't journal, then the Doc doesn't read it: no feedback, but no worries. If I do journal, do I mirror the journal in the blog, just save the blog for some of the more personal or fearful entries. Also, I am conflicted about the blog and the "safety" of some of the information (and it's attribution) on here. Maybe blogging my PTSD shit is a bad idea? Dangerous? Then there's the fact that I really do appreciate the honest feedback from the Doc, so although I am glad that no one reads this, sometimes I actually regret that no one reads it or posts any comments, even anonymously. I will say that I got the impression in a discussion the other day that someone I know does actually read this, they just don't admit it...strange impression and probably just me being a fucking mindreader again!
So do I continue to blog or go back to journal, or some combination thereof??? That is one of the questions plaguing me tonight.
I will say I am going to bed in just a few minutes....getting to bed before midnight for the first time in 3-4 weeks(?) is a must. The fatigue is REALLY wearing on me and I am just plain fucking tired!
Pros and Cons of the journal and the blog:
Pros for Journal: feedback, a little slower writing than typing (a little more control over what I write).
Pros for Blog: anonymity, and no one reads this.
Cons for Journal: physical record of what I have written and easily more traceable to me than my blog, sometimes the fact that I write some borderline shit and forget so there have been some embarrasing times with the Doc reading things.
Cons for Blog: No feedback since no one reads it. It's on the web.
So here's my thinking: If I don't journal, then the Doc doesn't read it: no feedback, but no worries. If I do journal, do I mirror the journal in the blog, just save the blog for some of the more personal or fearful entries. Also, I am conflicted about the blog and the "safety" of some of the information (and it's attribution) on here. Maybe blogging my PTSD shit is a bad idea? Dangerous? Then there's the fact that I really do appreciate the honest feedback from the Doc, so although I am glad that no one reads this, sometimes I actually regret that no one reads it or posts any comments, even anonymously. I will say that I got the impression in a discussion the other day that someone I know does actually read this, they just don't admit it...strange impression and probably just me being a fucking mindreader again!
So do I continue to blog or go back to journal, or some combination thereof??? That is one of the questions plaguing me tonight.
I will say I am going to bed in just a few minutes....getting to bed before midnight for the first time in 3-4 weeks(?) is a must. The fatigue is REALLY wearing on me and I am just plain fucking tired!
Remembering Myself and good things...and bad things too!
Today was a decent...maybe even really good session. I was feeling ok prior to going but the Doc was a little mean today. I think she said she wasn't put up with any of us "deflectors" today and reminded me of a guy I know who does the same thing I do: run my smartass mouth to avoid things in the moment, pressure, fear, etc
The Doc was dissapointed in the Challenging worksheets I did over the last few days. I was at first kind of mad in her judgement that I didn't do anything. However, we worked through one together and it was actually a pretty awesome thing. Somewhere in the tough questions and rough answers, the Doc articulated what I was starting to realize: I NEVER thank/remember/appreciate myself! I have completely discounted the fact that I have done some pretty tough, and deep therapy over the last 18 months. It was this realization that also provided an epiphany regarding one of my stuck points: I am afraid of other things I might recall and that a memory may come back and just completely brake me mentally...permenantly. However, the fact that I have been able to work some pretty fucked memories already, that I am still alive, and that I am not completely broken....I feel really good about handling any other future memories that may surface.
I felt really, really good about that and my attitude improved internally immediately!!!
However, I got to thinking, and rambling (actually feel bad for the Doc for having to listen to me). I started thinking about a particularly horrible time and got to thinking about why my parents never knew what was going on...ever. Especially during the later times. I had realized that I was just pissed about that, at my mom the most, that she never knew or protected me. My dad was never there anyway, but my mom was. I can't be too mad at her becuase, as the Doc walked me through, my mom had her own issues and fears and trauma to work through.
So kind of a mixed blessing today with the session. The epiphany was extremely nice...helpful...and took a shitload of anxiety away. The memory rambling was really shitty...I had to hold my back my tears, although I probably should have let them go. Not sure why I didn't becuase Lord knows I fucking need to!
The Doc was dissapointed in the Challenging worksheets I did over the last few days. I was at first kind of mad in her judgement that I didn't do anything. However, we worked through one together and it was actually a pretty awesome thing. Somewhere in the tough questions and rough answers, the Doc articulated what I was starting to realize: I NEVER thank/remember/appreciate myself! I have completely discounted the fact that I have done some pretty tough, and deep therapy over the last 18 months. It was this realization that also provided an epiphany regarding one of my stuck points: I am afraid of other things I might recall and that a memory may come back and just completely brake me mentally...permenantly. However, the fact that I have been able to work some pretty fucked memories already, that I am still alive, and that I am not completely broken....I feel really good about handling any other future memories that may surface.
I felt really, really good about that and my attitude improved internally immediately!!!
However, I got to thinking, and rambling (actually feel bad for the Doc for having to listen to me). I started thinking about a particularly horrible time and got to thinking about why my parents never knew what was going on...ever. Especially during the later times. I had realized that I was just pissed about that, at my mom the most, that she never knew or protected me. My dad was never there anyway, but my mom was. I can't be too mad at her becuase, as the Doc walked me through, my mom had her own issues and fears and trauma to work through.
So kind of a mixed blessing today with the session. The epiphany was extremely nice...helpful...and took a shitload of anxiety away. The memory rambling was really shitty...I had to hold my back my tears, although I probably should have let them go. Not sure why I didn't becuase Lord knows I fucking need to!
Challenging Beliefs and NOT wanting to go to bed!!!
Sometimes I think I have a difficult time with trying to figure out if what's going on in my brain is controllable or not. I mean, if I can't control it then I should just accept it and move one...deal with it ike a big boy I guess. But what if it's just a Stuckpoint that is still unresolved/not yet addressed?
It's 2am and I am playing catch-up on too many fucking things right now. I should go to bed since I need to be up in 5 hours. However, I am afraid to sleep tonight, even with a full dose of Lorazepam! Some of the dreams I have been having are catastrophic to my beliefs that I am getting better...yet I do believe still that I am getting better and that the Doc is helping me. It's just that the shit in my head is so horrible to me, and when I sleep and let it take over....it's 100000x's worse.
A recurring dream I have is a bastardizing of real memories/people. There I am, watching the building getting hit my incoming and just KNOWING that people I JUST talked with are now dead. That sucks in a dream, as in real life, no matter what! However, the other part of this shitty reoccuring dream is that there is another person, from the childhood trauma in my life. They are laughing at me and tell me: "That should be you dying over there, not the other guys!" In the dream she uses the names, but I am omitting them here.The Anniversary of this horrible thing for which I blamed myself (still do/starting to again) is coming up in less than two weeks...matter of fact, it's on a day that I would normally attend group. I haven't been going to group becuase of a job change...but I think I need to go that day for sure!!!!!
My therapy schedule has been changed...which I think is a great thing. However, I only had a few days between the last session and the new one. I did the listening part two times, but haven't had time to do ANY writing (although I guess if I can blog, I have time. lol). What I am supposed to work on are a bunch of stuckpoints using the Challenging Beliefs Worksheets or ABC Worksheets. I jotted some stuff down, but really don't have them down. ...Now I am going to have to leave work a little earlier than planned in order to get at least the three that Doc wanted done. However, how do I pick which three?
If someone reading this doesn't know, a stuckpoint is a belief (hard-coded, ground-in) in something, usually negative about yourself or a situation. The worksheets are actually very helpful in AT LEAST realizing that there is a different way to think about things.
So...over the last few weeks, the imaginal sessions got really rough, disgusting, and a lot more detail than I thought I was going to give the Doc (that's a ton of fucking trust right there!!!). However, the roughness of it all...and my fucking stupid ass living in my head...a LOT of shit has come out and I have been really...REALLY...fucked up!!!
1) I recalled that a few years ago, I had a full blown and thought out plan to end my life. It was providence or dumb luck that my wife's schedule didn't work out the way I planned...so I put it off and it never happened.
- How is that I forgot about this? During that time of my life I KNOW, even know, that I hated everything and was fucking miserable!!!!
2) I hate, HATE, myself for the CST shit. Even though I know I didn't cause it, I know I had no control over what they did or made me do...it still sucks becuase I think of myself as someone who wold protect anyone getting hurt and as someone who just wouldn't do a lot of those things.
3) I just don't know WHO I AM. I already wrote about this..so not gonna re-hash it here. It's just really weighing on me. The point I made to the Doc the other day was: what if I figure out who I am and with that realize that I am not the married with kids guy...maybe I'm a truck driving loaner???
So, the Doc and I discussed these things and many others in great detail. From that came my homework:
1) listen to the latest recording everynight (except the night on the day of the therapy session)
2) Work on the stuckpoints using the worksheets I mentioned above.
The stuckpoints the doc worked up for me to focus on:
1) I am broken and will never get better
2) I will become my [parent who was BPD, suicidal]
3) I'm going to pull something else up (like the forgetting about the planned suicide)
4) I deserve to be punished/If anyone deserves to be punished, it's me
5) I should feel different
6) I should be able to control my emotions and thoughts
7) I am losing all sense of me
8) Who am I...who do I want to be
9) I'm NOT who I thought I was. I'm a hypocrite. I thought abot suicide. I didn't protect!
Yeah....those are the ones I gotta work on now. I am sure that I could come up with 20 more...but maybe these 9 are enough for now. What additionally sucks is that 1, 2, and 4 were all stuckpoints that I worked on with the Iraq specific trauma!
Later I am going to add my worksheets for the above. I think I am also going to add copies (scanned pics?) of my original impact and trauma statements (with names redacted worse than the federal government intel. The thought is that: 1) maybe one day someone might actually read this shit and it might help them, and 2) it would allow me to get rid of the hard copies that I carry EVERYDAY/EVERYWHERE.
OK...I think I am going to go face my fear of sleep and go to bed. Had a porno on for the last 30 minutes...maybe that will help my dreams be at least FUN?????
It's 2am and I am playing catch-up on too many fucking things right now. I should go to bed since I need to be up in 5 hours. However, I am afraid to sleep tonight, even with a full dose of Lorazepam! Some of the dreams I have been having are catastrophic to my beliefs that I am getting better...yet I do believe still that I am getting better and that the Doc is helping me. It's just that the shit in my head is so horrible to me, and when I sleep and let it take over....it's 100000x's worse.
A recurring dream I have is a bastardizing of real memories/people. There I am, watching the building getting hit my incoming and just KNOWING that people I JUST talked with are now dead. That sucks in a dream, as in real life, no matter what! However, the other part of this shitty reoccuring dream is that there is another person, from the childhood trauma in my life. They are laughing at me and tell me: "That should be you dying over there, not the other guys!" In the dream she uses the names, but I am omitting them here.The Anniversary of this horrible thing for which I blamed myself (still do/starting to again) is coming up in less than two weeks...matter of fact, it's on a day that I would normally attend group. I haven't been going to group becuase of a job change...but I think I need to go that day for sure!!!!!
My therapy schedule has been changed...which I think is a great thing. However, I only had a few days between the last session and the new one. I did the listening part two times, but haven't had time to do ANY writing (although I guess if I can blog, I have time. lol). What I am supposed to work on are a bunch of stuckpoints using the Challenging Beliefs Worksheets or ABC Worksheets. I jotted some stuff down, but really don't have them down. ...Now I am going to have to leave work a little earlier than planned in order to get at least the three that Doc wanted done. However, how do I pick which three?
If someone reading this doesn't know, a stuckpoint is a belief (hard-coded, ground-in) in something, usually negative about yourself or a situation. The worksheets are actually very helpful in AT LEAST realizing that there is a different way to think about things.
So...over the last few weeks, the imaginal sessions got really rough, disgusting, and a lot more detail than I thought I was going to give the Doc (that's a ton of fucking trust right there!!!). However, the roughness of it all...and my fucking stupid ass living in my head...a LOT of shit has come out and I have been really...REALLY...fucked up!!!
1) I recalled that a few years ago, I had a full blown and thought out plan to end my life. It was providence or dumb luck that my wife's schedule didn't work out the way I planned...so I put it off and it never happened.
- How is that I forgot about this? During that time of my life I KNOW, even know, that I hated everything and was fucking miserable!!!!
2) I hate, HATE, myself for the CST shit. Even though I know I didn't cause it, I know I had no control over what they did or made me do...it still sucks becuase I think of myself as someone who wold protect anyone getting hurt and as someone who just wouldn't do a lot of those things.
3) I just don't know WHO I AM. I already wrote about this..so not gonna re-hash it here. It's just really weighing on me. The point I made to the Doc the other day was: what if I figure out who I am and with that realize that I am not the married with kids guy...maybe I'm a truck driving loaner???
So, the Doc and I discussed these things and many others in great detail. From that came my homework:
1) listen to the latest recording everynight (except the night on the day of the therapy session)
2) Work on the stuckpoints using the worksheets I mentioned above.
The stuckpoints the doc worked up for me to focus on:
1) I am broken and will never get better
2) I will become my [parent who was BPD, suicidal]
3) I'm going to pull something else up (like the forgetting about the planned suicide)
4) I deserve to be punished/If anyone deserves to be punished, it's me
5) I should feel different
6) I should be able to control my emotions and thoughts
7) I am losing all sense of me
8) Who am I...who do I want to be
9) I'm NOT who I thought I was. I'm a hypocrite. I thought abot suicide. I didn't protect!
Yeah....those are the ones I gotta work on now. I am sure that I could come up with 20 more...but maybe these 9 are enough for now. What additionally sucks is that 1, 2, and 4 were all stuckpoints that I worked on with the Iraq specific trauma!
Later I am going to add my worksheets for the above. I think I am also going to add copies (scanned pics?) of my original impact and trauma statements (with names redacted worse than the federal government intel. The thought is that: 1) maybe one day someone might actually read this shit and it might help them, and 2) it would allow me to get rid of the hard copies that I carry EVERYDAY/EVERYWHERE.
OK...I think I am going to go face my fear of sleep and go to bed. Had a porno on for the last 30 minutes...maybe that will help my dreams be at least FUN?????
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Seven Hours Later
I was on a little bit of a wierd tear last night. Overly exhausted and working too hard to block out the bad shit.
Seems like the last few weeks have been a little rougher than what I was getting used to. I have been having a LOT of the bad PTSD symptoms during this time: Bad ANGER, Horrible Nightmares, Bad Flashbacks (including physical), Paranoia everywhere.
I know what's causing it, or at least why it has gotten worse again. I have been working on the PE therapy and having to make recordings of my trauma memories and then listen to them daily (nightly actually). These recordings have been pretty damn horrible to hear every day. My SUDS have peaked pretty high everytime but they have gotten better over time, at least a little.
The recent recordings I have been having to listen to are me reciting memories and emotions regarding the horrible, disgusting experiences from when I was a child. My Doc has pushed pretty hard, although not too hard (actually sometimes I think I want her to push harder just so I get past some things) about me being exact in my recollections and feelings, and emotions. "Feelings" in this case has been her asking about my memories of certain physical feelings AS WELL as the physical feelings that a particular emotion/memory may be causing. I don't always understand some of the questions she asks, nor their importance, but I am sure that they have their purpose.
The recordings have been hard to listen to for multiple reasons, but I do feel that over time I am "getting used" to them, which is the purpose of the whole process. My most recent recording has been the worst of the five I have so far. We have taken brakes between recordings 3 and 4, and between 4 and 5. These brakes have been sooooo fucking needed. Especially since there are a million other things that I have needed to discuss with the Doc. Back to the last recording: this last recording has been the worst thing I think I have ever had to listen to or pay attention to. There have been listening sessions where I have had to turn the damn thing off, or find something to distract myself while "listening." The reason(s) for this is becuase of what is on the recording.
This particular recording was supposed to be me reading off a paper the "worst and primary" memories from my first CST. I was able to read rather quickly through the list, and to be more embarrassed than affected...until the doc asked me to expound on my feelings. This led to me explaining exact things that happened and how I felt. This is of course where a SHITLOAD of guilt and pain came out.
Got to stop here to deal with some other stuff...
Seems like the last few weeks have been a little rougher than what I was getting used to. I have been having a LOT of the bad PTSD symptoms during this time: Bad ANGER, Horrible Nightmares, Bad Flashbacks (including physical), Paranoia everywhere.
I know what's causing it, or at least why it has gotten worse again. I have been working on the PE therapy and having to make recordings of my trauma memories and then listen to them daily (nightly actually). These recordings have been pretty damn horrible to hear every day. My SUDS have peaked pretty high everytime but they have gotten better over time, at least a little.
The recent recordings I have been having to listen to are me reciting memories and emotions regarding the horrible, disgusting experiences from when I was a child. My Doc has pushed pretty hard, although not too hard (actually sometimes I think I want her to push harder just so I get past some things) about me being exact in my recollections and feelings, and emotions. "Feelings" in this case has been her asking about my memories of certain physical feelings AS WELL as the physical feelings that a particular emotion/memory may be causing. I don't always understand some of the questions she asks, nor their importance, but I am sure that they have their purpose.
The recordings have been hard to listen to for multiple reasons, but I do feel that over time I am "getting used" to them, which is the purpose of the whole process. My most recent recording has been the worst of the five I have so far. We have taken brakes between recordings 3 and 4, and between 4 and 5. These brakes have been sooooo fucking needed. Especially since there are a million other things that I have needed to discuss with the Doc. Back to the last recording: this last recording has been the worst thing I think I have ever had to listen to or pay attention to. There have been listening sessions where I have had to turn the damn thing off, or find something to distract myself while "listening." The reason(s) for this is becuase of what is on the recording.
This particular recording was supposed to be me reading off a paper the "worst and primary" memories from my first CST. I was able to read rather quickly through the list, and to be more embarrassed than affected...until the doc asked me to expound on my feelings. This led to me explaining exact things that happened and how I felt. This is of course where a SHITLOAD of guilt and pain came out.
Got to stop here to deal with some other stuff...
Pluck-ing, FOLD-ing, and thinking
I have been in therapy through the VA for 18 months. I would never say it's been fun...but it has been definitely helpful. The therapies I have been working on or gone through are Prolonged Exposure and Cognitive Processing, in addition to the world's best group (I actually refused for almost a year to do ANY group based therapy or discussions...not of fan of crowds or small rooms for some reason. haha).
Anyway, the reason this post is about some of the things I have learned and how I am trying to push forward, be better, AND figure out who the hell I am anymore. Not all of the lesson's I have learned have been based upon some strict protocol. Nor have they all been based upon what the Doc or others say.
PLUCK
Probably the funniest thing to me, and actually one of the best, most helpful things is: "Pluck." Funny word, I know and if anyone actually ever read this, they'd probably be laughing so hard right now...NOT. Seriously though, PLUCK has been on the most helpful things I have learned and it was one of those tools that just "appeared" one day, at least to me. Those with PTSD tend to have a lot of what is called "Stuck Points." Additionally, they tend to have multiple patterns of "Problematic Thinking." These two are related.
One of my biggest stuck points is: I deserve(d) it. One of the biggest patterns of problematic thinking that brought me this stuck point is that of: mindreading. See...I have this uncanny ability to know what anyone is thinking about me. I "know" when someone thinks I am an idiot, or annoying, or being a bitch, or being wimpy, girly, stupid, or just plain fucking retarted. I even "know" this when it's not even true. During one session, I think my Doc was so annoyed with this ability that she thought of a way for me to slow down and stop "deciding" I know what she or anyone is thinking: PLUCK.
Still confused? Pluck means to take that negative, self-hating, mind-reading thought and to "pluck" it out of my brain. It means that when I am trying to talk and I think whoever listening is thinking shitty thoughts about me, that I just need to pluck that out of my head, ignoring it in reality, and just move forward. PLUCK...one hell of a therapeutic word.
FOLD actually stands for:
Feminist
Out of my league
Lesbian
Democrat
...or...someone I would know better than to try to have a crush on or to be attracted to. I mean, who REALLY wants to (other than LL Bean subscribers) be attracted or date or think about a feminist or Democrat...seriously!
In any event, there is a lesson here: if you are a crazy person like me and have the world's hottest Doc (which I guess would mean you live by me)...use FOLD over and over again so that you can focus on what you NEED to focus on. It has worked exceptionally well for me, even though I think for some time that I did have a pretty severe crush (?) for a little while...ok...maybe a medium while. But, I have stuck with "FOLD" and remember I am married, and remember that most, like the Doc, or just too damn good for me (deserve better than me)...hell, my wife deserves better.
I was going to add some other things to this post, but I am actually thinking about trying to get some damn sleep. This week has been long and sleep has been so shitty when I have been able to go to bed...I wonder if trying to sleep is even worth it at all.
I will add this:
Where am I at today/tonight?
I am SOOO tired! Tired of being tired, tired of physical, mental, and emotional pain! Tired of the jackass drivers where I live and the retards that seem to be free to do whatever they want. Tired of the fucking dreams/nightmares. Tired of still feeling like I have a LONG way to go in therapy. Tired of questioning my own beliefs and morals on a daily basis. Tired of wondering if my prozac needs to be increased...or just my Scotch intake (actually, I think it's been six months since I've had any liqour). Tired of thinking about the horrible memories, the dead, the dismembered, the raped, rapists. Tired of NOT knowing who the FUCK I am!!!!!
However, I am happy about a some things too...as happy as I can get anyway. Actually, that's not entirely a true statement. I was, and still am, very excited for Shane (see earlier posts) that he's out of jail. Some financial and career things have gone very well too, so I am kind of happy about that as well...although it is hard to really be happy about anything I do I guess.?????
Anyway, the reason this post is about some of the things I have learned and how I am trying to push forward, be better, AND figure out who the hell I am anymore. Not all of the lesson's I have learned have been based upon some strict protocol. Nor have they all been based upon what the Doc or others say.
PLUCK
Probably the funniest thing to me, and actually one of the best, most helpful things is: "Pluck." Funny word, I know and if anyone actually ever read this, they'd probably be laughing so hard right now...NOT. Seriously though, PLUCK has been on the most helpful things I have learned and it was one of those tools that just "appeared" one day, at least to me. Those with PTSD tend to have a lot of what is called "Stuck Points." Additionally, they tend to have multiple patterns of "Problematic Thinking." These two are related.
One of my biggest stuck points is: I deserve(d) it. One of the biggest patterns of problematic thinking that brought me this stuck point is that of: mindreading. See...I have this uncanny ability to know what anyone is thinking about me. I "know" when someone thinks I am an idiot, or annoying, or being a bitch, or being wimpy, girly, stupid, or just plain fucking retarted. I even "know" this when it's not even true. During one session, I think my Doc was so annoyed with this ability that she thought of a way for me to slow down and stop "deciding" I know what she or anyone is thinking: PLUCK.
Still confused? Pluck means to take that negative, self-hating, mind-reading thought and to "pluck" it out of my brain. It means that when I am trying to talk and I think whoever listening is thinking shitty thoughts about me, that I just need to pluck that out of my head, ignoring it in reality, and just move forward. PLUCK...one hell of a therapeutic word.
FOLD
Now, this is a fun one too. And it's one that I made up! Yah for my dumbass self (PLUCK :-) ).FOLD actually stands for:
Feminist
Out of my league
Lesbian
Democrat
...or...someone I would know better than to try to have a crush on or to be attracted to. I mean, who REALLY wants to (other than LL Bean subscribers) be attracted or date or think about a feminist or Democrat...seriously!
In any event, there is a lesson here: if you are a crazy person like me and have the world's hottest Doc (which I guess would mean you live by me)...use FOLD over and over again so that you can focus on what you NEED to focus on. It has worked exceptionally well for me, even though I think for some time that I did have a pretty severe crush (?) for a little while...ok...maybe a medium while. But, I have stuck with "FOLD" and remember I am married, and remember that most, like the Doc, or just too damn good for me (deserve better than me)...hell, my wife deserves better.
I was going to add some other things to this post, but I am actually thinking about trying to get some damn sleep. This week has been long and sleep has been so shitty when I have been able to go to bed...I wonder if trying to sleep is even worth it at all.
I will add this:
Where am I at today/tonight?
I am SOOO tired! Tired of being tired, tired of physical, mental, and emotional pain! Tired of the jackass drivers where I live and the retards that seem to be free to do whatever they want. Tired of the fucking dreams/nightmares. Tired of still feeling like I have a LONG way to go in therapy. Tired of questioning my own beliefs and morals on a daily basis. Tired of wondering if my prozac needs to be increased...or just my Scotch intake (actually, I think it's been six months since I've had any liqour). Tired of thinking about the horrible memories, the dead, the dismembered, the raped, rapists. Tired of NOT knowing who the FUCK I am!!!!!
However, I am happy about a some things too...as happy as I can get anyway. Actually, that's not entirely a true statement. I was, and still am, very excited for Shane (see earlier posts) that he's out of jail. Some financial and career things have gone very well too, so I am kind of happy about that as well...although it is hard to really be happy about anything I do I guess.?????
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
What I have versus what I want?
WARNING Somewhat disgusting sexually graphic!!! WARNING
So I have issues with combat related shit as well as sex. I have been shot at, mortared, rocketed, raped, forced upon others, and just generally taught many things that a person should never, NEVER, fucking learn as a child, and some even as an adult.
I get amped up at certain noises, certain images, certain places, certain crowds, ...just life I guess. The CPT helped me to really come out of my shell with people...at least in my mind. I have been able to say some things that NEEDED to be said to some of the people I love (if I really know what it means to love???). However, I am NOT able to say things to others that I love or care about, especially close friends.
Then there is the fact that I have a hard...difficult...time being honest with myself. From one minute to the next I am constantly having to put myself in check. My Doc says that I show signs of "Borderline-Personality-Disorder," ...although I am "not my mother!
However, there are thoughts, and maybe some actions, that I have that I later wonder: "Who the fuck was that???" I know I have already written a little about this, but it weighs so damn heavy on my mind that I just can't seem to get past it: apparently lying to myself for 25+ years, losing my identity, questioning every past and current decision, questioning and over-examining every last relationship. Who else but a crazy bastard would do this???
My actual point here, and it goes along with being confused about who I am, is the "what I want" question. There are some definite conflicts in my mind about what is appropriate to want, OK to want, NOT OK to want, and just FUCKING STUPID to want. I think that until I find ME, I am going to continue to be in conflict...to look back on things I said or did and say to myself: "Who the FUCK was that guy???" Until I come to some understanding with my own mind, I am going to continue to have to deal with unwanted desires and thoughts (NO, nothing illegal or hurtful to anyone....except the assholes who have fucked with me).
For instance, I can remember some of the worst digusting physical feelings from my childhood experiences (no one really wants to know those things!!!)...yet I want, and DO think about crazy sex all day. I LOVE Porn and woman...and even get turned on (SERIOUSLY) by certain groupsex ideas. I was forced to clean up "messes" after sex when I was a kid. WTF????? I hate Iraq, and I hate the shit that happened there. Yet, there are days that I would LOVE, give my left nut, beg and plead, to be able to go back. To put that battle-rattle back on and to chamber a round in my M-16 (much better for longer-range targets than the M-4, in my book) and take up watch or clear a house or even escort the trucks that empty the shitters.
So apparently, my fantasies and desires and wants can, and often do, conflict drastically with the traumas in my life. It would be so nice to just be a "normal" person....to be able to just have whatever kind of sex my wife wants and not be such a pervert with her (except for the things she likes)...to NOT dream and think about going back to Iraq...to NOT long for the feel of the heat or the ride in the truck out the wire.
I hope, wonder, and pray that getting through this PE therapy, as well as practicing the Mindfullness and CPT tools will help me to center myself on normalcy and not on freakish things. Otherwise, I should just move to a town like San Fran and take up with the freaks there...see how twisted I am????? Or maybe hop a flight to Baghdad and see what happens there???? NO...I have to BELIEVE that things will get better. The alternative is crappy, at best!!!!!!!
So I have issues with combat related shit as well as sex. I have been shot at, mortared, rocketed, raped, forced upon others, and just generally taught many things that a person should never, NEVER, fucking learn as a child, and some even as an adult.
I get amped up at certain noises, certain images, certain places, certain crowds, ...just life I guess. The CPT helped me to really come out of my shell with people...at least in my mind. I have been able to say some things that NEEDED to be said to some of the people I love (if I really know what it means to love???). However, I am NOT able to say things to others that I love or care about, especially close friends.
Then there is the fact that I have a hard...difficult...time being honest with myself. From one minute to the next I am constantly having to put myself in check. My Doc says that I show signs of "Borderline-Personality-Disorder," ...although I am "not my mother!
However, there are thoughts, and maybe some actions, that I have that I later wonder: "Who the fuck was that???" I know I have already written a little about this, but it weighs so damn heavy on my mind that I just can't seem to get past it: apparently lying to myself for 25+ years, losing my identity, questioning every past and current decision, questioning and over-examining every last relationship. Who else but a crazy bastard would do this???
My actual point here, and it goes along with being confused about who I am, is the "what I want" question. There are some definite conflicts in my mind about what is appropriate to want, OK to want, NOT OK to want, and just FUCKING STUPID to want. I think that until I find ME, I am going to continue to be in conflict...to look back on things I said or did and say to myself: "Who the FUCK was that guy???" Until I come to some understanding with my own mind, I am going to continue to have to deal with unwanted desires and thoughts (NO, nothing illegal or hurtful to anyone....except the assholes who have fucked with me).
For instance, I can remember some of the worst digusting physical feelings from my childhood experiences (no one really wants to know those things!!!)...yet I want, and DO think about crazy sex all day. I LOVE Porn and woman...and even get turned on (SERIOUSLY) by certain groupsex ideas. I was forced to clean up "messes" after sex when I was a kid. WTF????? I hate Iraq, and I hate the shit that happened there. Yet, there are days that I would LOVE, give my left nut, beg and plead, to be able to go back. To put that battle-rattle back on and to chamber a round in my M-16 (much better for longer-range targets than the M-4, in my book) and take up watch or clear a house or even escort the trucks that empty the shitters.
So apparently, my fantasies and desires and wants can, and often do, conflict drastically with the traumas in my life. It would be so nice to just be a "normal" person....to be able to just have whatever kind of sex my wife wants and not be such a pervert with her (except for the things she likes)...to NOT dream and think about going back to Iraq...to NOT long for the feel of the heat or the ride in the truck out the wire.
I hope, wonder, and pray that getting through this PE therapy, as well as practicing the Mindfullness and CPT tools will help me to center myself on normalcy and not on freakish things. Otherwise, I should just move to a town like San Fran and take up with the freaks there...see how twisted I am????? Or maybe hop a flight to Baghdad and see what happens there???? NO...I have to BELIEVE that things will get better. The alternative is crappy, at best!!!!!!!
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