Heading to the gym and just a little ramble here since I just really want to talk with ANYONE who gets this shit. I could call my wife who's out shopping, but that just doesn't sit right tonight, and probably isn't a conversation she needs to partake in in front of the brats. :-(
A long and worrisome day today. And some changes, one of the biggest being an increase in my "brain vitamin" dosage. Hopefully that will do the trick on some of the way's I've been feeling as of late. Anniversary is getting closer.
This will be the first anniversary since having "completed" CPT. Sometimes I find myself wondering why I'm stressing it. I did work through a LOT of it already and I do feel a lot better about it for the most part. I wonder if it's not the other therapy work I have been doing on the childhood shit that has really got me affected. I haven't been asked by the Doc to record any more of the memories, and the last session when I rambled, the next day I felt like I had just unloaded a big weight off of me.
Seems like it's really guilt and shame that are kicking my ass for the last few weeks, at least as I think about it now. That's at least what a lot of the emotions have been from the memories, and some conversations with people that I know better than to keep talking to. Sometimes, I just KNOW that I am a fucking idiot...but then sometimes I know I am just "searching" or "chasing" a numbness or a good feeling, at least something better than the amounts of physical and emotional pain I've recently been in. So, I am seriously looking for this day to come and go, so I can say I made it through the day and any other horrible memories/flashbacks that I might have....wouldn't that mean I am making progress? I think so.
Anyway, time for workout.
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