his week is an anniversary of probably the biggest trauma I experienced in Iraq. I have been OK with that so far...maybe a little bit of struggling with some of my stuckpoints around guilt, shame, and self-esteem. However, I am staying exceptionally busy and this has helped to not loose my focus too much. Except for one shopping experience on Saturday, and one again yesterday, there haven't been any flashback issues. Just some of those same problematic thought processes trying to kick my butt. However, I think I am pretty good today.
I think I am good enough to quit the full time therapy and I think I am good enough to just move on. But I don't believe these to be true either. I wonder how I feel about these things as the week moves towards the anniversary of that day.
The good this week:
- I got dropped into a pretty cool course for work, and it also includes a certification that I need/want.
The Bad this week:
- The anniversary of that horrible fucking day. For so long I held soooo tight to the believe that the deaths of two great Americans were my fault. I distracted them and I slowed them down, and they ended up dying. I know now, through lots and LOTS of CPT assignments and talks with the Doc that it wasn't my fault and that I didn't do any of the killing. It was a matter of coincidence coupled with poor timing on my part and my bad luck punishing others.:-( just the problem thoughts and fighting a see-saw of apathy and cockiness (which still is funny to me since I feel like I am lower than worm dirt).
Got an appointment today, but I really don't want to go. I've been fighting the feeling for a week or so that I am just pissing everyone off. This includes the Doc as well although I don't know what I would have done...so I guess I am mind-reading and being pessimistic, but I do assume some sort of ass-chewing today. :-( But I also assume that my wfie wants a divorce, that my kids hate me, that my coworkers all think I am stupid, and that my friends think I am either an asshole or a piece of shit. I think the bigger reason I don't want to go is the bigger reason why I should: I just don't feel like talking to anyone at ALL (including the wife, kids, and friends). I'd just prefer to be alone!!!
Despite the above, and being in a funk, I do seem like I am in a good mood. Of course, I am going on about 15 hours of sleep since last Thursday...so maybe that's what it is.
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