Sometimes I think I have a difficult time with trying to figure out if what's going on in my brain is controllable or not. I mean, if I can't control it then I should just accept it and move one...deal with it ike a big boy I guess. But what if it's just a Stuckpoint that is still unresolved/not yet addressed?
It's 2am and I am playing catch-up on too many fucking things right now. I should go to bed since I need to be up in 5 hours. However, I am afraid to sleep tonight, even with a full dose of Lorazepam! Some of the dreams I have been having are catastrophic to my beliefs that I am getting better...yet I do believe still that I am getting better and that the Doc is helping me. It's just that the shit in my head is so horrible to me, and when I sleep and let it take over....it's 100000x's worse.
A recurring dream I have is a bastardizing of real memories/people. There I am, watching the building getting hit my incoming and just KNOWING that people I JUST talked with are now dead. That sucks in a dream, as in real life, no matter what! However, the other part of this shitty reoccuring dream is that there is another person, from the childhood trauma in my life. They are laughing at me and tell me: "That should be you dying over there, not the other guys!" In the dream she uses the names, but I am omitting them here.The Anniversary of this horrible thing for which I blamed myself (still do/starting to again) is coming up in less than two weeks...matter of fact, it's on a day that I would normally attend group. I haven't been going to group becuase of a job change...but I think I need to go that day for sure!!!!!
My therapy schedule has been changed...which I think is a great thing. However, I only had a few days between the last session and the new one. I did the listening part two times, but haven't had time to do ANY writing (although I guess if I can blog, I have time. lol). What I am supposed to work on are a bunch of stuckpoints using the Challenging Beliefs Worksheets or ABC Worksheets. I jotted some stuff down, but really don't have them down. ...Now I am going to have to leave work a little earlier than planned in order to get at least the three that Doc wanted done. However, how do I pick which three?
If someone reading this doesn't know, a stuckpoint is a belief (hard-coded, ground-in) in something, usually negative about yourself or a situation. The worksheets are actually very helpful in AT LEAST realizing that there is a different way to think about things.
So...over the last few weeks, the imaginal sessions got really rough, disgusting, and a lot more detail than I thought I was going to give the Doc (that's a ton of fucking trust right there!!!). However, the roughness of it all...and my fucking stupid ass living in my head...a LOT of shit has come out and I have been really...REALLY...fucked up!!!
1) I recalled that a few years ago, I had a full blown and thought out plan to end my life. It was providence or dumb luck that my wife's schedule didn't work out the way I planned...so I put it off and it never happened.
- How is that I forgot about this? During that time of my life I KNOW, even know, that I hated everything and was fucking miserable!!!!
2) I hate, HATE, myself for the CST shit. Even though I know I didn't cause it, I know I had no control over what they did or made me do...it still sucks becuase I think of myself as someone who wold protect anyone getting hurt and as someone who just wouldn't do a lot of those things.
3) I just don't know WHO I AM. I already wrote about this..so not gonna re-hash it here. It's just really weighing on me. The point I made to the Doc the other day was: what if I figure out who I am and with that realize that I am not the married with kids guy...maybe I'm a truck driving loaner???
So, the Doc and I discussed these things and many others in great detail. From that came my homework:
1) listen to the latest recording everynight (except the night on the day of the therapy session)
2) Work on the stuckpoints using the worksheets I mentioned above.
The stuckpoints the doc worked up for me to focus on:
1) I am broken and will never get better
2) I will become my [parent who was BPD, suicidal]
3) I'm going to pull something else up (like the forgetting about the planned suicide)
4) I deserve to be punished/If anyone deserves to be punished, it's me
5) I should feel different
6) I should be able to control my emotions and thoughts
7) I am losing all sense of me
8) Who am I...who do I want to be
9) I'm NOT who I thought I was. I'm a hypocrite. I thought abot suicide. I didn't protect!
Yeah....those are the ones I gotta work on now. I am sure that I could come up with 20 more...but maybe these 9 are enough for now. What additionally sucks is that 1, 2, and 4 were all stuckpoints that I worked on with the Iraq specific trauma!
Later I am going to add my worksheets for the above. I think I am also going to add copies (scanned pics?) of my original impact and trauma statements (with names redacted worse than the federal government intel. The thought is that: 1) maybe one day someone might actually read this shit and it might help them, and 2) it would allow me to get rid of the hard copies that I carry EVERYDAY/EVERYWHERE.
OK...I think I am going to go face my fear of sleep and go to bed. Had a porno on for the last 30 minutes...maybe that will help my dreams be at least FUN?????
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