I realized today that I miss my hobbies, as much as I miss who I am (or who I was???). I really need to get my boat fixed and on the water. And I need to get my guitars out and play. I can't spend all this time in my head thinking of the past or worrying about my future. I know that I have to find time to relax...to be with myself. Our Hobbies, and more precisely our actions, make up a large part of who we are...after all, actions speak louder than words. Or, as I like to say: Words don't mean SHIT!
It's not that I ever wanted to NOT do the things I enjoy. It's that I allowed myself to be engulfed my own misery and self-pity and sefl-assigned guilt. I think now that it was as if I just figured that I should never enjoy anything again because of what I believed I had done wrong to so many people, so many damn times. Really, it was, I think, like my own form of self-punishment...to throw all of my energy into work, school, tasks, and NONE into anything enjoyable. I would go so far as to say that, while I may at times enjoy sex, I have even found over the last couple of years that it had become more of a function of release and making the wife happy than of just enjoying it like a normal person. And friends, or "having" friends has become a chore at times, or at least I have allowed it to be...or maybe just made it to be?
Whether or not I am guilty of any of the things that haunt me, or if my shame is deserved, or if my pain is self-inflicted...I guess I need to keep working on that. But that's the point of this little post, that I need to work on these things called stuckpoints and that maybe part of the healing process, the work that remains to be done, is that I need to focus on things I enjoy to. I need to promise this to me, and not to anyone else. I need to find that focal point, the mantra, the center, that will allow me to keep this promise. I HATE to break promises and I think i can count on one the times I have in the last 20 years. So a promise to myself, as long as I keep it, might be the extra help that I need when the world is crashing down and I am lost! The risk is that I might break the promise, which would of course start the usual recursive cycle of mental self-punishment.
So I am gonna start small. I promise to spend time on fixing my boat, at least an hour, this weekend. I also promise to go through this blog and remove those things that I hoped would remain hidden in plain sight. (Sidenote: suprised that anyone found this just becuase of the topic and lack of publicizing really).
No comments:
Post a Comment