There is something about being gone on a fun trip that makes me realize what I love and care about most in this world. I could give a shit about me most days, whether I live or die, but being gone this past weekend made me realize how much I wanted my wife and kids with me. I think this is good since it's one of the first times I have I have just honestly felt that way about ALL the kids AND the wife.
It's not that I don't love any of them. On the contrary, they are about all I truly love, except for some that I consider friends, like I mentioned before. However, my usual mode of operation is to just crave lonliness. I still haven't figured out why I always feel that I need this but I do know that it goes hand in hand with my wanting to run...ALL THE TIME!
Anyway, I feel pretty good today. I am physically fucking exhausted. But, I think having the time to myself and the time to relax, unwind, find thngs to focus on other than my traumas...I really needed that!!! It made me really miss my family. Most importantly it made me really miss ME.
I think that THIS is actually progess! I am missing more and more the person I was before the Iraq trauma happened and at least before the memories of the childhood sexual trauma that I had to suffer through! That HAS to indicate that I do want to live and that I do want to move forward in my life and my treatment. I think that this reaffirms my need to talk with the Doc about maybe developing some goals...not necessarily time-limited therapy (I can see the pros and cons of this actually), but at least something a little more tangible.
I have no clue what I wanted to say here....a lot of interruptions! But that's OK!!! I just kinda feel good and willing to move forward. I think I am good going back to "pink tutus" and "plucking." :-)
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Loving others
For a long time I liked to believe that I was devoid of any emotions accept anger and apathy (is this one really emotion?)
I think for the most part this was very true. I either didn't know I had other emotions, was so used to supressing them, or really just didn't have them; there was one exception to this. I have since learned that I do in fact have a multitude of emotions/feelings, even if some are still very hard to "show." I think crying is the one form of expression that I really haven't been able to use at all...and it is one that I constantly feel that I actually need to do. I have come close so many times, but I haven't let myself actually do it in those times. Usually because my wife is sitting 10 feet away or my kids are around or I am at the Doc's or basically any situation where other people can see me. I guess this would be my fear and pride taking control.
In any event, the one exception to my original statement is: Love. While driving part of the way home tonight, I had some time to think about this. I realized something that I think I already knew: there is more than one "type" of Love.
I guess I realized that I may not know what it means to Love anyone. I know how I feel about my kids and what I would do to protect them. But then I also know that are exist a few others that I would do the same for...but this doesn't mean it's a Love like I have for my kids, or like I have for my wife. So how can my level of affection for people be diverse when my willingness to help and protect those few (other than my kids) is equal regardless of who they are. These people I care about now that I am not married to or the father of, some are related to me, some are not. Yet, if they asked for the shirt off of my back, I would gladly give it. Here's where part of my confusion comes in, and the realization that it is maybe possible that I just latch onto people so tightly at the first sign that they might help/protect me, that I confuse this neediness with affection or Love. But is there a line? If I latch on to those who I begin to genuinely trust or feel gratitude for, is that so wrong? I am sure that there is a level that it becomes wrong because anything in excess is just piss-poor. But what about those who I have just been around for a long time.
I was thinking about JT today, and I think that she's a great example of this. I feel this strong urge to want to talk with her everyday and I tend to be bummed when I can't, or when we are texting but then she drops off. I also know that if I felt someone was threating her in anyway, that I would step in, regardless of if it's my place or not. Then there's the fact that I am definitely attracted to her sexually.
So, I would bend over backwards for her, risk jail time or worse for her, I wouldn't kick her out of bed (all jokes in my head ignored here), and I really just want to talk with her everyday about her. Does this mean I love her? In a way, I think the answer is yes. But I think today I more clearly saw the line between the love one has for a friend or helper, and the love one has for a partner. And while the displays of these love's is obviously different, I am not so sure the truth of either one is so different from the other. I think when the physical Love (sex) is added in with the Love of a Partner, then it's just another method of showing that Love...that should be only shared with one (again, different from just raw energy sex). While I might do the same with either JT or my wife (support, help, communicate, sex), there is one important difference: the choice of one over the other.
Maybe it's just that I haven't slept but 10 hours in 3 days (and travelled to/through 7 different states), but I think that the difference in types of love boils down to choice of one over the other.
For me, I would prioritize the Love I have for these people, in order of choice over others if required:
My kids
My wife
My parents
my friends (even those who may not consider me a friend)
my siblings and extended family
Whatever the honorable thing to do in a situation is.
So, when I think that I "love" some chic, I don't think it's ever been about romance and affection and respect. I have had many female friends, and those that I actually talked with over time, I would without fail come to "realize" that I must be in love with them. However, after the last 2 years of therapy and the things I concluded today in deep thought at 90 mph, I don't think it ever really had anything to do with romance and preference. I think it has always been about my safety, my need for approval, my belief that I must, basically anything but reality. I think that there were 4 times when I exchanged the magic three words (or just shared them) where it was truly based on something more:
- I married 2 of them
- had a long talk about how we both felt the same but since I was married to the first one
- She tells me still to this day that she feels the exact same way and longs for the situations to be different. (this is a whole different story that I am not even giving attention to right now.
So while I may have "felt like" I did/do/have had that love for different women, I am now fairly certain that while it may be true in the sense of a "love as a friend," that does not mean that I need to, want to, or should want to add a sexual component to it. As I am typing this I realize that it makes a lot more sense in my head than in print. I think I do that with a lot of things though too.
I know that there is a caveat here, especially since I don't think ANYONE really understands this emotion. I think that the caveat is that a person doesn't necessarily choose who they fall in love with (yep, even as a friend only), but they can choose to let themselves fall in love with someone.
The real problem I have with all of this: do I love myself? And if I don't, am I really able to love anyone else, or is it just neediness and/or lust and/or comfort that I chase and give back???
I think for the most part this was very true. I either didn't know I had other emotions, was so used to supressing them, or really just didn't have them; there was one exception to this. I have since learned that I do in fact have a multitude of emotions/feelings, even if some are still very hard to "show." I think crying is the one form of expression that I really haven't been able to use at all...and it is one that I constantly feel that I actually need to do. I have come close so many times, but I haven't let myself actually do it in those times. Usually because my wife is sitting 10 feet away or my kids are around or I am at the Doc's or basically any situation where other people can see me. I guess this would be my fear and pride taking control.
In any event, the one exception to my original statement is: Love. While driving part of the way home tonight, I had some time to think about this. I realized something that I think I already knew: there is more than one "type" of Love.
I guess I realized that I may not know what it means to Love anyone. I know how I feel about my kids and what I would do to protect them. But then I also know that are exist a few others that I would do the same for...but this doesn't mean it's a Love like I have for my kids, or like I have for my wife. So how can my level of affection for people be diverse when my willingness to help and protect those few (other than my kids) is equal regardless of who they are. These people I care about now that I am not married to or the father of, some are related to me, some are not. Yet, if they asked for the shirt off of my back, I would gladly give it. Here's where part of my confusion comes in, and the realization that it is maybe possible that I just latch onto people so tightly at the first sign that they might help/protect me, that I confuse this neediness with affection or Love. But is there a line? If I latch on to those who I begin to genuinely trust or feel gratitude for, is that so wrong? I am sure that there is a level that it becomes wrong because anything in excess is just piss-poor. But what about those who I have just been around for a long time.
I was thinking about JT today, and I think that she's a great example of this. I feel this strong urge to want to talk with her everyday and I tend to be bummed when I can't, or when we are texting but then she drops off. I also know that if I felt someone was threating her in anyway, that I would step in, regardless of if it's my place or not. Then there's the fact that I am definitely attracted to her sexually.
So, I would bend over backwards for her, risk jail time or worse for her, I wouldn't kick her out of bed (all jokes in my head ignored here), and I really just want to talk with her everyday about her. Does this mean I love her? In a way, I think the answer is yes. But I think today I more clearly saw the line between the love one has for a friend or helper, and the love one has for a partner. And while the displays of these love's is obviously different, I am not so sure the truth of either one is so different from the other. I think when the physical Love (sex) is added in with the Love of a Partner, then it's just another method of showing that Love...that should be only shared with one (again, different from just raw energy sex). While I might do the same with either JT or my wife (support, help, communicate, sex), there is one important difference: the choice of one over the other.
Maybe it's just that I haven't slept but 10 hours in 3 days (and travelled to/through 7 different states), but I think that the difference in types of love boils down to choice of one over the other.
For me, I would prioritize the Love I have for these people, in order of choice over others if required:
My kids
My wife
My parents
my friends (even those who may not consider me a friend)
my siblings and extended family
Whatever the honorable thing to do in a situation is.
So, when I think that I "love" some chic, I don't think it's ever been about romance and affection and respect. I have had many female friends, and those that I actually talked with over time, I would without fail come to "realize" that I must be in love with them. However, after the last 2 years of therapy and the things I concluded today in deep thought at 90 mph, I don't think it ever really had anything to do with romance and preference. I think it has always been about my safety, my need for approval, my belief that I must, basically anything but reality. I think that there were 4 times when I exchanged the magic three words (or just shared them) where it was truly based on something more:
- I married 2 of them
- had a long talk about how we both felt the same but since I was married to the first one
- She tells me still to this day that she feels the exact same way and longs for the situations to be different. (this is a whole different story that I am not even giving attention to right now.
So while I may have "felt like" I did/do/have had that love for different women, I am now fairly certain that while it may be true in the sense of a "love as a friend," that does not mean that I need to, want to, or should want to add a sexual component to it. As I am typing this I realize that it makes a lot more sense in my head than in print. I think I do that with a lot of things though too.
I know that there is a caveat here, especially since I don't think ANYONE really understands this emotion. I think that the caveat is that a person doesn't necessarily choose who they fall in love with (yep, even as a friend only), but they can choose to let themselves fall in love with someone.
The real problem I have with all of this: do I love myself? And if I don't, am I really able to love anyone else, or is it just neediness and/or lust and/or comfort that I chase and give back???
Friday, October 28, 2011
Travel, Stress, and Moods
Made it home tonight! Long damn day, to say the least! Had to take a shuttle bus from my original airport an hour away to a different one since my outbound flight was messed up. And that was after 3 LONG hours of driving at 0-dark 30. Crap!!!
It's been a long couple of weeks. I am taking a trip with a friend this weekend....Driving NOT flying. I am looking forward to the break. However, it won't give me any time to read. I did have a row to myself the last leg of my flight today, and I did use that to read my Victims No Longer book. It made me think about a LOT of things. I think I need to reassess a few things based on some ideas I got from what I read tonight.
I think one thing I really need to do is talk with the Doc and reassess some things. So here's what I am thinking:
1) I don't know what my goals are anymore. So this is where to start. I keep reading/hearing the term time-limited therapy. I don't know if that's something that will sit well with me in regards to either the childhood trauma nor iraq.
- I've been thinking about this a lot though...
- Working on my fear/pain/guilt/anger of my past
- Working on my exposure therapy. Next appointment, I am going to sit in the most vulnerable spot
2) What is the best way to work towards those goals?
- Seems like recently I have been monopolizing sessions with talking about nothing but present stuff. Some of this is directly about how my past is fucking me mentally up in the present. But there is a lot of extraneous stuff.
3) I think I need to clarify with the Doc that I fully understand the "rules." I have a hard time talking with anyone even the Doc, and although I think I maybe contact her too much...it really only is when I feel like I have to. (This should be one of, or grouped in somehow, my goals). I think she knows that and is trying to get me to learn to better deal with things on my own. But sometimes her responses seem as though she has gotten exasperated with having to help me. I don't want to go down that path of thinking because then I wouldn't be able to trust her. I think this is where my anger yesterday came from, from worrying that the Doc is just tired of me and my neediness. One of the things I read didn't help...the book basically said that any good therapist should understand this neediness and/or the need that survivors have to latch on to people that help without costs.
On top of maybe working with the Doc to re-acquire some focus in my sessions. I am starting to think about some other things:
1) I need to talk with the wife about the marital counselor. He called the other day but I haven't had time to call him back. I have been home for an hour and am leaving again in 8....and I am nervous to bring it up with her. I am nervous that she's going to refuse to honor her agreement to go. Apparently this guy does "time-limited" couples counseling with specific goals. Hearing about him and his program is actually what started me thinking about my own individual therapy.
2) I think I am ready to ask about/look into groups for adult survivors. The thing my buddy said last week that fucked me up so bad, even still, made me at first afraid of everyone, even the Doc (I don't know why I didn't want to tell her that in the email that she replied to...strangely...the other day). However, I NEED others who can empathize with my history and provide me some external support. I can't rely on the Doc forever and I don't want to overwhelm the wife all the time either.
3) Do something about "contacting my inner child." The Doc mentioned this before and I read again about it tonight. It sounds very weird to me...but it makes sense on this lower level. No one protected that kid. I should talk with him.
Anyway, I feel good now that I am home. It was like all the pressure of the world and my brain kind of disappeared. I really did miss my wife and kis. As much as I worry about the future of our marriage, I really do love this woman and don't want anyone else!!!
It's been a long couple of weeks. I am taking a trip with a friend this weekend....Driving NOT flying. I am looking forward to the break. However, it won't give me any time to read. I did have a row to myself the last leg of my flight today, and I did use that to read my Victims No Longer book. It made me think about a LOT of things. I think I need to reassess a few things based on some ideas I got from what I read tonight.
I think one thing I really need to do is talk with the Doc and reassess some things. So here's what I am thinking:
1) I don't know what my goals are anymore. So this is where to start. I keep reading/hearing the term time-limited therapy. I don't know if that's something that will sit well with me in regards to either the childhood trauma nor iraq.
- I've been thinking about this a lot though...
- Working on my fear/pain/guilt/anger of my past
- Working on my exposure therapy. Next appointment, I am going to sit in the most vulnerable spot
2) What is the best way to work towards those goals?
- Seems like recently I have been monopolizing sessions with talking about nothing but present stuff. Some of this is directly about how my past is fucking me mentally up in the present. But there is a lot of extraneous stuff.
3) I think I need to clarify with the Doc that I fully understand the "rules." I have a hard time talking with anyone even the Doc, and although I think I maybe contact her too much...it really only is when I feel like I have to. (This should be one of, or grouped in somehow, my goals). I think she knows that and is trying to get me to learn to better deal with things on my own. But sometimes her responses seem as though she has gotten exasperated with having to help me. I don't want to go down that path of thinking because then I wouldn't be able to trust her. I think this is where my anger yesterday came from, from worrying that the Doc is just tired of me and my neediness. One of the things I read didn't help...the book basically said that any good therapist should understand this neediness and/or the need that survivors have to latch on to people that help without costs.
On top of maybe working with the Doc to re-acquire some focus in my sessions. I am starting to think about some other things:
1) I need to talk with the wife about the marital counselor. He called the other day but I haven't had time to call him back. I have been home for an hour and am leaving again in 8....and I am nervous to bring it up with her. I am nervous that she's going to refuse to honor her agreement to go. Apparently this guy does "time-limited" couples counseling with specific goals. Hearing about him and his program is actually what started me thinking about my own individual therapy.
2) I think I am ready to ask about/look into groups for adult survivors. The thing my buddy said last week that fucked me up so bad, even still, made me at first afraid of everyone, even the Doc (I don't know why I didn't want to tell her that in the email that she replied to...strangely...the other day). However, I NEED others who can empathize with my history and provide me some external support. I can't rely on the Doc forever and I don't want to overwhelm the wife all the time either.
3) Do something about "contacting my inner child." The Doc mentioned this before and I read again about it tonight. It sounds very weird to me...but it makes sense on this lower level. No one protected that kid. I should talk with him.
Anyway, I feel good now that I am home. It was like all the pressure of the world and my brain kind of disappeared. I really did miss my wife and kis. As much as I worry about the future of our marriage, I really do love this woman and don't want anyone else!!!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
What am I really angry about today???
I tell myself, "self, you need to calm the fuck down!" And I mean it. This week I am on a fool's errand for work. However, there's been this thing...well a bunch to be honest...just bugging me. I say "bugging" and I think that this may be the best possible term.
So what is it that's got me angry today: my PTSD and my Therapy!!! So here's some bullets for me to be able to look at over time...kind of a "baseline"
- Since really digging in, and trying too move too fast maybe, on being raped multiple times as a child, I have really struggled with even the simplest tasks. Why???
- So many things remind me of those different times, or of Iraq, or of both!
- New memories come back frequently. Most anymore are small in impact. Some are HUGE! :-(
- I have 2 people that I can talk to who can ALSO provide some form of support more than typical friends.
- The wife....since I have been more open with her she has been really great 90% of the time
- The Doc. Until recently it has felt like since day 1 that she was their to honestly help me through all of this shit. Here is where part of my recent anger and sadness stems from.
- Last time I tried talking with a friend who "admitted" that he had similar problems as a child, that backfired fucking miserably. This basically set my mood and general well-being to "SHITTY". The subsequent air travel and driving really didn't fucking help. I think yesterday I was maybe two steps away from a figurative ledge and I don't want to be there.
I think I need to re-establish the communication pipe with the Doc, and soon. I could have been taking her email WAY out of context, but the overall impression was that the email was COLD, even if it was longer than her normal replies, and she really seemed to miss the point of why I emailed her what I did in the first place. Since she's one of the smartest people I know so there is some doubt that she completely missed the point in the email. Hence, since the point of the email was ignored in her response, and her response was focused on more on the things I need to do to ease her workload, I really walked away from reading it being pissed off at myself for being a nuisance yet AGAIN! Not sure how a conversation about this should/must go. Maybe I don't even need to have it....I could be wrong in my understanding of her responses and intent.
What are the things that are really pissing me off right now???:
- That I am again just a nuisance to the Doc. Not doing the whole specific discussion on how I KNOW she's the Doc, and VERY busy, and how I KNOW that just because I consider her a friend, doesn't mean that she thinks the same
- I am mad, I think, that she focused on the fact I emailed...nothing about what I emailed.
- That I have failed to remember the mindfulness stuff and have now been stuck in a downward spiralling cycle of blame for the childhood rape traumas I had to endure.
- I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO I AM!!!
- That the Doc doesn't seem to realize (again, based solely on my interpretation of her response this mornning) that I am just really fucked up now BECAUSE of where I am in the current therapy.
- That I think people have/do/mght think...Doc and the wife, at least, that I would put anything above my therapy in terms of priorities or wants. I MUST find a path forward that is going to ALLOW me to live!!! I might have the highest possible opinions of the Wife, the Doc, and of others who have/do tried to help. However, this does NOT mean that my opinions are more important to me than trying to get better...that is my focus.
I think the bottom line of my anger is that I FEEL OK with being all over the place and with definitely needing a LOT more reassurance right now....but I worry that the Doc has now either gotten too busy to be able to effectivly help, or that she no longer wants to help. I have a lot more pressing concerns than my therapy...but with all the other shit in my head right now...my therapy and its current future is a huge worry of mine right now. I CANNOT, and probably WILL NOT, move to a different Doc. It's the one I have or nothing....possibly regardless of the consequences to myself.
So what is it that's got me angry today: my PTSD and my Therapy!!! So here's some bullets for me to be able to look at over time...kind of a "baseline"
- Since really digging in, and trying too move too fast maybe, on being raped multiple times as a child, I have really struggled with even the simplest tasks. Why???
- So many things remind me of those different times, or of Iraq, or of both!
- New memories come back frequently. Most anymore are small in impact. Some are HUGE! :-(
- I have 2 people that I can talk to who can ALSO provide some form of support more than typical friends.
- The wife....since I have been more open with her she has been really great 90% of the time
- The Doc. Until recently it has felt like since day 1 that she was their to honestly help me through all of this shit. Here is where part of my recent anger and sadness stems from.
- Last time I tried talking with a friend who "admitted" that he had similar problems as a child, that backfired fucking miserably. This basically set my mood and general well-being to "SHITTY". The subsequent air travel and driving really didn't fucking help. I think yesterday I was maybe two steps away from a figurative ledge and I don't want to be there.
I think I need to re-establish the communication pipe with the Doc, and soon. I could have been taking her email WAY out of context, but the overall impression was that the email was COLD, even if it was longer than her normal replies, and she really seemed to miss the point of why I emailed her what I did in the first place. Since she's one of the smartest people I know so there is some doubt that she completely missed the point in the email. Hence, since the point of the email was ignored in her response, and her response was focused on more on the things I need to do to ease her workload, I really walked away from reading it being pissed off at myself for being a nuisance yet AGAIN! Not sure how a conversation about this should/must go. Maybe I don't even need to have it....I could be wrong in my understanding of her responses and intent.
What are the things that are really pissing me off right now???:
- That I am again just a nuisance to the Doc. Not doing the whole specific discussion on how I KNOW she's the Doc, and VERY busy, and how I KNOW that just because I consider her a friend, doesn't mean that she thinks the same
- I am mad, I think, that she focused on the fact I emailed...nothing about what I emailed.
- That I have failed to remember the mindfulness stuff and have now been stuck in a downward spiralling cycle of blame for the childhood rape traumas I had to endure.
- I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO I AM!!!
- That the Doc doesn't seem to realize (again, based solely on my interpretation of her response this mornning) that I am just really fucked up now BECAUSE of where I am in the current therapy.
- That I think people have/do/mght think...Doc and the wife, at least, that I would put anything above my therapy in terms of priorities or wants. I MUST find a path forward that is going to ALLOW me to live!!! I might have the highest possible opinions of the Wife, the Doc, and of others who have/do tried to help. However, this does NOT mean that my opinions are more important to me than trying to get better...that is my focus.
I think the bottom line of my anger is that I FEEL OK with being all over the place and with definitely needing a LOT more reassurance right now....but I worry that the Doc has now either gotten too busy to be able to effectivly help, or that she no longer wants to help. I have a lot more pressing concerns than my therapy...but with all the other shit in my head right now...my therapy and its current future is a huge worry of mine right now. I CANNOT, and probably WILL NOT, move to a different Doc. It's the one I have or nothing....possibly regardless of the consequences to myself.
Why is there so much confusion???
It's bad enough that non-verbal mediums that are used for communication have the distinct drawback of not being able to convey the emotion or mentality of the comment/speaker...or the listener. But when I couple this with all of the things I struggle with on a daily (hourly, or by the minute even) basis, it sometimes just makes my life shit. Complete and total and utter SHIT!!!! There are distinct reasons why I haven't killed myself when the pain inside and/or the guilt and self-hatred has become unbearable. Those reasons matter...a LOT. And I know that my life matters so at this point I have no intention of ending. Quite the opposite actually...I want/need to make my life better. Not my job or home or even family...nope...MY LIFE.
The day to day, hour to hour hell that I cycle in and out of on a random frequency; this is what I need to change. I need to find a way to start this change. :-(
What I know I need to do when my head gets fucked up or I get to amped:
- BREATHE...BREATHE...BREATHE. Mindfulness breathing...or at least how I think it's supposed to be done
- Talk with myself. Remember where I really am. Who I am with. What we are doing.
- Move around. Don't just sit there going in a downward spiral
- Try to shift focus. A point on the wall. Lyrics to a song I like. A task. Be careful here....this leads me to 80 hour work weeks.
- Write. Writing helps me. I know this. Why have I gotten lazy about this?
---WHAT ELSE can I add to this? What things can I learn to do automatically that will allow me to NOT get into those places like I am in this week.
What I know I need to work on with people around me:
- Remember who I am in each situation. What's my role in regards to who's around me...coworker, spouse, father, patient, customer, inquisitor?
- Remember that my wife CAN be very supportive and helpful...but I MUST be willing to share it with her. I have gotten better here I think. Somethings are just TOO hard to say out loud to ANYONE, even if they are driving me towards a dangerous precipice. The next hurdle with her will be the marriage counseling and if she actually goes. Bad news if she doesn't, but I think she will. I think she does, somewhere/time love me as much as I love her. I would hate for my marriage to her to end because of her bullshit temper or my crappy fucked up brain.
- Remember that I have friends with similar experiences. I DON'T have to agree with them always, but I can bounce shit off of them AND be there for them.
- Remember that my Doc isn't my "personal" Doc and they have other patients. I cannot monopolize all of her time with emails, texts, etc. I do think I have gotten a lot better here, although the dynamic has really seemed strange between us for a bit of time now. I am choosing to believe, most of the time, that it is because she is busy. However, I struggle a lot with the possibilities of: she's fucking tired of my bitch-ass, she thinks I am a piece of shit, she thinks I have gotten "too attached" to her (or maybe the other way, but I doubt that), she's overly frustrated with a lot of things and my annoying her just make me a target of her anger sometimes, etc.
What I know I need to work on in my brain:
- A LOT
- My focus. I have to maintain my focus...use that discipline I USED to have.
- Proper AND Pertinent thoughts. In addition to focus, I really need to work on not having the improper thoughts (and no not just sexual ones), but also to work on actually having the proper ones. Maybe some ADD here trying to fight with some OCD? WTFK's???
What do I know:
- I know my wife loves me and wants to help me
- I know I love my wife and will not just up and leave her for anyone else. IF the marriage were to ever end, then it would end only after every option was exhausted and because her and I just stopped getting along at all.
- I know my kids are my life. I need to not be so hard on them, or at least in a negative way.
- I didn't kill those people in Iraq, directly or indirectly
- I didn't ask those people to rape me or to degrade me or use me against anyone else
- Physical arousal is NOT the same thing as real arousal...a hard on doesn't mean the thought turns ME on...just that my body is having a normal reaction given the context.
- I know I do need someone to hold my hand a LOT more in recent months...and I am kinda OK with that. Although, as I think is above somewhere, I really have been feeling like the Doc is just tired of it.
- I know it's not my fault that my ex-friend hacked some of my accounts and tried starting some shit. I think, but I really have no proof, that this is what caused my buddy S to quit talking to me all together.
- I know I have to be willing to take more risks to trust more people.
- I know that I have to go back to being much more direct with people. I don't know when I started trying to be "nicer" to everone...but with the exception of my wife and kids, I think the damn gloves need to come back off and I need to be the direct guy I used to be.
The day to day, hour to hour hell that I cycle in and out of on a random frequency; this is what I need to change. I need to find a way to start this change. :-(
What I know I need to do when my head gets fucked up or I get to amped:
- BREATHE...BREATHE...BREATHE. Mindfulness breathing...or at least how I think it's supposed to be done
- Talk with myself. Remember where I really am. Who I am with. What we are doing.
- Move around. Don't just sit there going in a downward spiral
- Try to shift focus. A point on the wall. Lyrics to a song I like. A task. Be careful here....this leads me to 80 hour work weeks.
- Write. Writing helps me. I know this. Why have I gotten lazy about this?
---WHAT ELSE can I add to this? What things can I learn to do automatically that will allow me to NOT get into those places like I am in this week.
What I know I need to work on with people around me:
- Remember who I am in each situation. What's my role in regards to who's around me...coworker, spouse, father, patient, customer, inquisitor?
- Remember that my wife CAN be very supportive and helpful...but I MUST be willing to share it with her. I have gotten better here I think. Somethings are just TOO hard to say out loud to ANYONE, even if they are driving me towards a dangerous precipice. The next hurdle with her will be the marriage counseling and if she actually goes. Bad news if she doesn't, but I think she will. I think she does, somewhere/time love me as much as I love her. I would hate for my marriage to her to end because of her bullshit temper or my crappy fucked up brain.
- Remember that I have friends with similar experiences. I DON'T have to agree with them always, but I can bounce shit off of them AND be there for them.
- Remember that my Doc isn't my "personal" Doc and they have other patients. I cannot monopolize all of her time with emails, texts, etc. I do think I have gotten a lot better here, although the dynamic has really seemed strange between us for a bit of time now. I am choosing to believe, most of the time, that it is because she is busy. However, I struggle a lot with the possibilities of: she's fucking tired of my bitch-ass, she thinks I am a piece of shit, she thinks I have gotten "too attached" to her (or maybe the other way, but I doubt that), she's overly frustrated with a lot of things and my annoying her just make me a target of her anger sometimes, etc.
What I know I need to work on in my brain:
- A LOT
- My focus. I have to maintain my focus...use that discipline I USED to have.
- Proper AND Pertinent thoughts. In addition to focus, I really need to work on not having the improper thoughts (and no not just sexual ones), but also to work on actually having the proper ones. Maybe some ADD here trying to fight with some OCD? WTFK's???
What do I know:
- I know my wife loves me and wants to help me
- I know I love my wife and will not just up and leave her for anyone else. IF the marriage were to ever end, then it would end only after every option was exhausted and because her and I just stopped getting along at all.
- I know my kids are my life. I need to not be so hard on them, or at least in a negative way.
- I didn't kill those people in Iraq, directly or indirectly
- I didn't ask those people to rape me or to degrade me or use me against anyone else
- Physical arousal is NOT the same thing as real arousal...a hard on doesn't mean the thought turns ME on...just that my body is having a normal reaction given the context.
- I know I do need someone to hold my hand a LOT more in recent months...and I am kinda OK with that. Although, as I think is above somewhere, I really have been feeling like the Doc is just tired of it.
- I know it's not my fault that my ex-friend hacked some of my accounts and tried starting some shit. I think, but I really have no proof, that this is what caused my buddy S to quit talking to me all together.
- I know I have to be willing to take more risks to trust more people.
- I know that I have to go back to being much more direct with people. I don't know when I started trying to be "nicer" to everone...but with the exception of my wife and kids, I think the damn gloves need to come back off and I need to be the direct guy I used to be.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Sometimes Friends Hurt More than Help!!!!
I wanted to post this the other night...and probably should have just to vent since I haven't been able to write in my journal since then either. What happened was innocous, stupid! I made a comment about a chic that a friend had been seeing...I guess I kinda had/have a crush on her since I have this huge weekness for brunettes with glasses...but who doesn't, right?
Anyway, I made a comment about how hot she was or something along those lines. Apparently this was all he needed to start to tell me a story of one of their encounters. I could have cared less. Except when he started saying that she got miffed at him because he wouldn't let her go down on him, I called bullshit. I mean, I think I am pretty fucked up when it comes to sex, especially since EVERY time I have it anymore, I have to fight the memories of the screwed up shit from childhood away. However, when I am not being haunted by those events and those fucktards, I enjoy a blowjob as much as the next guy...and I told him this. I told him this thinking it would be more of a joke, especially since I was dropping him off and I just wanted to go home. However, I guess it wasn't!
He didn't get mad, which struck me as odd. He did say that he has never enjoyed them because of something in his past...this was news to me and I immediately thought that I might have found someone who understands this shit from having experienced that hell. I mean my Doc's the best, but I don't think she's had to go through anything like this, thank God! So I was kind of happy he said that in a selfish way, and I somewhat blurted that I had not 1 but 3 different trips to HELL as a kid. Before I could re-iterate that I do in fact like a good BJ (when my heads no in Hell!), he piped up that I should understand then...that anyone who goes through that involuntarily, especially a guy, doesn't like sex that much or at least not oral. I couldn't believe that! I didn't really argue though as now I just wanted to RUN. All the self-doubt and self-guilt and pain came back like THAT! Did I ask for this to happen??? No I don't think so! And I KNOW that and have WORKED on that! But him saying that was like telling me I was either lying about the events or that I must have wanted it in some way! What really made me mad when I got to thinking was that somewhere in there I mentioned a book that the Doc had recommended for male survivors of childhood sexual trauma/abuse. He said he HAD the same book and had already read the whole thing (which is more than I can say for me since the Doc slowed me down on things).
I don't think he was trying to say what I heard. Quite frankly he has a story for every last damn thing under the sun...so I was doubting him from the start. However, and this is the shitty part, it's been EATING me since that night. I was in SUCH a GOOD (not Great, but good) place until he said that!
Anyway, I made a comment about how hot she was or something along those lines. Apparently this was all he needed to start to tell me a story of one of their encounters. I could have cared less. Except when he started saying that she got miffed at him because he wouldn't let her go down on him, I called bullshit. I mean, I think I am pretty fucked up when it comes to sex, especially since EVERY time I have it anymore, I have to fight the memories of the screwed up shit from childhood away. However, when I am not being haunted by those events and those fucktards, I enjoy a blowjob as much as the next guy...and I told him this. I told him this thinking it would be more of a joke, especially since I was dropping him off and I just wanted to go home. However, I guess it wasn't!
He didn't get mad, which struck me as odd. He did say that he has never enjoyed them because of something in his past...this was news to me and I immediately thought that I might have found someone who understands this shit from having experienced that hell. I mean my Doc's the best, but I don't think she's had to go through anything like this, thank God! So I was kind of happy he said that in a selfish way, and I somewhat blurted that I had not 1 but 3 different trips to HELL as a kid. Before I could re-iterate that I do in fact like a good BJ (when my heads no in Hell!), he piped up that I should understand then...that anyone who goes through that involuntarily, especially a guy, doesn't like sex that much or at least not oral. I couldn't believe that! I didn't really argue though as now I just wanted to RUN. All the self-doubt and self-guilt and pain came back like THAT! Did I ask for this to happen??? No I don't think so! And I KNOW that and have WORKED on that! But him saying that was like telling me I was either lying about the events or that I must have wanted it in some way! What really made me mad when I got to thinking was that somewhere in there I mentioned a book that the Doc had recommended for male survivors of childhood sexual trauma/abuse. He said he HAD the same book and had already read the whole thing (which is more than I can say for me since the Doc slowed me down on things).
I don't think he was trying to say what I heard. Quite frankly he has a story for every last damn thing under the sun...so I was doubting him from the start. However, and this is the shitty part, it's been EATING me since that night. I was in SUCH a GOOD (not Great, but good) place until he said that!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
This was on a friends Facebook page today:
Dear VA,
Thank you so very much. I appreciate that the kid u assigned to draw my blood this morning was BRAND NEW to needles...much less actually using them. I also appreciate that it takes years to be denied a claim for the exact SAME thing the Army said didn't allow me to stay in uniform. But most of all this morning...I appreciate that despite a high serviced-connection rating, you not only bill the insurance company provided by my employer, but that you take an hour and a half to fill a prescription. This time spent waiting is great! I can watch all the unemployed/retired vets sign for their medicine and then...wait for it....STAY RIGHT HERE AND SOCIALIZE. This is awesome, and I get it. Putting 30 little pills in a bottle is hard and since my service connection AND my insurance pay for them, it only makes sense that I should be made to wait in order to assure quality of your efforts and my money's worth!
I love that I have served my country in 2 different branches including war and now I get to do the same as I have been sitting here so long I am thinking a paycheck will be sent to me from you, while probably ticking off my boss, in a civillian uniform.
Ever so slightly annoyed,
ME
Thank you so very much. I appreciate that the kid u assigned to draw my blood this morning was BRAND NEW to needles...much less actually using them. I also appreciate that it takes years to be denied a claim for the exact SAME thing the Army said didn't allow me to stay in uniform. But most of all this morning...I appreciate that despite a high serviced-connection rating, you not only bill the insurance company provided by my employer, but that you take an hour and a half to fill a prescription. This time spent waiting is great! I can watch all the unemployed/retired vets sign for their medicine and then...wait for it....STAY RIGHT HERE AND SOCIALIZE. This is awesome, and I get it. Putting 30 little pills in a bottle is hard and since my service connection AND my insurance pay for them, it only makes sense that I should be made to wait in order to assure quality of your efforts and my money's worth!
I love that I have served my country in 2 different branches including war and now I get to do the same as I have been sitting here so long I am thinking a paycheck will be sent to me from you, while probably ticking off my boss, in a civillian uniform.
Ever so slightly annoyed,
ME
--letter end---
How many times can the VA Fuck up??? Why in the name of God is it allowed to continue? Is it just because of the size of the VA? Or is it because of the are my VA is in? I get this letter, and it sounds very similar to my own experiences. At the VA around here, it's bullshit!!! If I didn't like any of my Doc's, I probably wouldn't even fucking go!!! I wonder if the problem with the VA isn't actually an issue based on the actual quality (or dare I say lack thereof) of the veterans themselves, the simple fact that the VA is a HUGE government cesspool, or some combination thereof. I don't normally complain about other vets in general...unless they really fucking piss me off!
I will complain about this though: The reverse-racism is so fucking bad in this town that it is even very noticable at times with some of the pieces of shit that work at the VA here. I have the utmost respect for the boys and girls from earlier wars and the shit that they went through, ESPECIALLY the vets from 'Nam. However, that does not mean that I feel that I have to kiss their fucking ass just because they are Veitnam Vets and and black, whereas I am younger and whiter than them! It's 2011...how about everyone, black, white, or otherwise...just get the FUCK OFF of the minority rights shit. I mean really, if it happened 200 years ago...it didn't personally happen to you. So deal with what DID actually happen to you, live in peace with others, don't antagonize when possible, and GET THE FUCK OFF OF THE RACIAL SOAPBOXES!!!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Missed family support group today...BUMMER
Another reason why I don't do a lot to make this blog public is so I can somewhat write about my group and therapy and the people around me who piss me off...and I am not announcing anyone's business!
Sometimes though I wish I could make this public and include my fellow vets. Not that I have anything of value to offer them...but I know other's can offer good advice and tell me where I am fucking up. It's the opinions and lessons learned of the other vets, especially the Vietnam vets I've grown close to in group, those opinions that I have learned to really listen to. The Doc is awesome, but my fellow vets really put a point on a lot of things and basically drive home the things the Doc says in session and in group.
Today was family support group. Today I was actually going to "shanghai" my wife a little bit. The format of the group has changed from being vets with spouses to vets and spouses. Family group has changed to where the vets go with one therapist to a different room and the spouses (all women in this group) meet with the Doc. My wife doesn't know that this is a set-in-stone change, and due to the recent (over a year) issues of us trying to work things out (or at least me trying to be better while putting up with her fucked up temper), I think it would be good for her to be in that room and see what the other wives have to say. Granted, they are all at least 20 years older then her...but that to me sounds like experience. I also think that the Doc might actually lead some of the coversation towards a generalization of the major issue I have been having with my wife...at least she's done it to me in therapy about other things.
I doesn't matter now though. The wife was sick and the kids were home early and the job needed me there later than I needed to leave to make group. I am sad I missed it though. I miss those guys and hanging out with them...sharing shit and going through stuff. I have only been to a couple of groups since July and our quarterly outing was cancelled due to an emergency.
But...I am feeling OK today! :-)
Sometimes though I wish I could make this public and include my fellow vets. Not that I have anything of value to offer them...but I know other's can offer good advice and tell me where I am fucking up. It's the opinions and lessons learned of the other vets, especially the Vietnam vets I've grown close to in group, those opinions that I have learned to really listen to. The Doc is awesome, but my fellow vets really put a point on a lot of things and basically drive home the things the Doc says in session and in group.
Today was family support group. Today I was actually going to "shanghai" my wife a little bit. The format of the group has changed from being vets with spouses to vets and spouses. Family group has changed to where the vets go with one therapist to a different room and the spouses (all women in this group) meet with the Doc. My wife doesn't know that this is a set-in-stone change, and due to the recent (over a year) issues of us trying to work things out (or at least me trying to be better while putting up with her fucked up temper), I think it would be good for her to be in that room and see what the other wives have to say. Granted, they are all at least 20 years older then her...but that to me sounds like experience. I also think that the Doc might actually lead some of the coversation towards a generalization of the major issue I have been having with my wife...at least she's done it to me in therapy about other things.
I doesn't matter now though. The wife was sick and the kids were home early and the job needed me there later than I needed to leave to make group. I am sad I missed it though. I miss those guys and hanging out with them...sharing shit and going through stuff. I have only been to a couple of groups since July and our quarterly outing was cancelled due to an emergency.
But...I am feeling OK today! :-)
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Taking a risk in Therapy
I think that there are a LOT of stupid things that one can do while in therapy. A LOT! I also believe the therapy process to be one of tradeoffs over time. Tonight I made a tradeoff that I hope wasn't a terrible risk that ends up hurting more than helping. I copied one of my more recent, and more important, posts from here and sent to my Doc for feedback.
The post I sent was the one I made prior to this one...with some scrubbing of course. Some of what was in the post was not germane to my hope of feedback. However, just sending the post makes it more possible for the Doc or anyone who reads it (God forbid she shares it, even anonymously) to actually search for and find this blog. Quite frankly I have enjoyed checking the stats and seeing that I am the only one actually visiting the site. I guess this doesn't rule out RSS Feeds, but that's a small risk as I am pretty sure nothing I write here is of any value to anyone else. HOWEVER, I think that there are some things here that if read by some of my friends, my kids, my wife, or the Doc, would cause me some hassle, at a minimum. Thus the risk! I don't believe it was a stupid choice, but time will tell.
Why did I send it to her? Why did I even mention it? In today's session I explained to her why I have been in such a good mood and what caused me to have some epiphanies/revelations last week. It was that post. It was adding to that post and re-reading the entire thing. It was reading that post out LOUD to myself in my hotel room last week. It was the feeling the anger at those who RAPED and used me WITHOUT feeling the anger and guilt at myself. Sure, that's still there, in me deep and probably will be for a long time. BUT I didn't have to own it while I got mad at these "people" who abused me and I didn't have to accept blame for something I couldn't control. So all that said, I think that since I really appreciate the Doc's point of view on things and level-headed way of examining things, I think her feedback on that post (the edited version that is) will be good AS WELL AS Helpful in my overall recovery process.
I realized a long time ago that there are tradeoffs in every relationship: professional, casual, and personal. In therapy I believe that there has to be a tradeoff of attachments, connections, investments, and emotions. I think my Doc is the best because she seems to invest 100% into each session and because she's willing to call me on my shit. I think that she also has to bear the brunt of the tradeoff. When I disclose the things that traumatized me from Iraq and when I disclose those disgusting events of my childhood, she get's it stuck in her brain, along with all of the other horror stories from all of the other vets that she treats. The tradeoff I think for her is two-fold: 1) in investing herself in the therapy process and doctor/patient relationship, she has to give up a bit of herself and "take on" some or all of the painful mental images of her patients, and 2) she has to, I think anyway, constantly battle a balance between what to say and when to say it in order to avoid a multitude of possible problems such as a patient getting too emotionally attached, a patient feeling threatened enough to react against her, or a even the possible risks of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time or having a statement or interpretation missinterpretted. (sp?)
I think though that as a patient, I also have tradeoffs that I have to go through. One of these is that of attachment. I think, or I hope, that it is normal for a patient to develop an attachment to their doctor, whether it be a romantic one, a friendship one, an enabling/co-dependent one, some combination of these, or others. I know for me personally I have gone through a few of these over different times: I had to convince myself of different assumptions about the Doc in order to seriously avoid thinking of her in sexual ways, I thought I was in love with her at one point, and I thought that we could be really good friends forever (especially since I do try to keep those friendships that are GREAT active). I have come to some conclusions on the tradeoffs though: I absolutely cannot think about the Doc in sexual terms...I know I tried a few times a while ago and just COULDN'T do it...which was strange, I absolutely cannot be "in love" with the Doc (while I admit to having quite strong feelings for her, it's definitely not anything I allow myself to focus on nor is it the stereotypical "in love with my doc" shit...guess it's more of just a love for the Doc...more than like that for a sister but I also don't allow to be sexual or romantic either), and I don't think that if she stays at the VA that we could actually be friends due to stupid fucking ethics. Quite frankly, and it's selfish, but I am OK with her just being the Doc that I have a one-way friendship with due to ethics and other constraints....I NEED the therapy WAY more than anything else right now. So I guess that's the tradeoff I have to make off in order to have a successful therapy process and although I hate the fact that I eventually loose her as a friend (probably my best), it's the way it has to be in order for me to get past all the hell in my head.
Wow...this post was WAY longer than I intended. Not even sure if I covered what I meant to: that I took a risk and sent a somewhat-scrubbed version of the previous post on here to my Doc because I think that one really needs her feedback because of the fact it allowed/inspired me to say out loud the things that happened to me as a child. AND, that I just wanted to remind myself that there are tradeoffs in my therapy and as awesome as I think the Doc is, the therapy/friendship/whatever has to end at some point and probably with some finality...bummer but life I guess.
The post I sent was the one I made prior to this one...with some scrubbing of course. Some of what was in the post was not germane to my hope of feedback. However, just sending the post makes it more possible for the Doc or anyone who reads it (God forbid she shares it, even anonymously) to actually search for and find this blog. Quite frankly I have enjoyed checking the stats and seeing that I am the only one actually visiting the site. I guess this doesn't rule out RSS Feeds, but that's a small risk as I am pretty sure nothing I write here is of any value to anyone else. HOWEVER, I think that there are some things here that if read by some of my friends, my kids, my wife, or the Doc, would cause me some hassle, at a minimum. Thus the risk! I don't believe it was a stupid choice, but time will tell.
Why did I send it to her? Why did I even mention it? In today's session I explained to her why I have been in such a good mood and what caused me to have some epiphanies/revelations last week. It was that post. It was adding to that post and re-reading the entire thing. It was reading that post out LOUD to myself in my hotel room last week. It was the feeling the anger at those who RAPED and used me WITHOUT feeling the anger and guilt at myself. Sure, that's still there, in me deep and probably will be for a long time. BUT I didn't have to own it while I got mad at these "people" who abused me and I didn't have to accept blame for something I couldn't control. So all that said, I think that since I really appreciate the Doc's point of view on things and level-headed way of examining things, I think her feedback on that post (the edited version that is) will be good AS WELL AS Helpful in my overall recovery process.
I realized a long time ago that there are tradeoffs in every relationship: professional, casual, and personal. In therapy I believe that there has to be a tradeoff of attachments, connections, investments, and emotions. I think my Doc is the best because she seems to invest 100% into each session and because she's willing to call me on my shit. I think that she also has to bear the brunt of the tradeoff. When I disclose the things that traumatized me from Iraq and when I disclose those disgusting events of my childhood, she get's it stuck in her brain, along with all of the other horror stories from all of the other vets that she treats. The tradeoff I think for her is two-fold: 1) in investing herself in the therapy process and doctor/patient relationship, she has to give up a bit of herself and "take on" some or all of the painful mental images of her patients, and 2) she has to, I think anyway, constantly battle a balance between what to say and when to say it in order to avoid a multitude of possible problems such as a patient getting too emotionally attached, a patient feeling threatened enough to react against her, or a even the possible risks of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time or having a statement or interpretation missinterpretted. (sp?)
I think though that as a patient, I also have tradeoffs that I have to go through. One of these is that of attachment. I think, or I hope, that it is normal for a patient to develop an attachment to their doctor, whether it be a romantic one, a friendship one, an enabling/co-dependent one, some combination of these, or others. I know for me personally I have gone through a few of these over different times: I had to convince myself of different assumptions about the Doc in order to seriously avoid thinking of her in sexual ways, I thought I was in love with her at one point, and I thought that we could be really good friends forever (especially since I do try to keep those friendships that are GREAT active). I have come to some conclusions on the tradeoffs though: I absolutely cannot think about the Doc in sexual terms...I know I tried a few times a while ago and just COULDN'T do it...which was strange, I absolutely cannot be "in love" with the Doc (while I admit to having quite strong feelings for her, it's definitely not anything I allow myself to focus on nor is it the stereotypical "in love with my doc" shit...guess it's more of just a love for the Doc...more than like that for a sister but I also don't allow to be sexual or romantic either), and I don't think that if she stays at the VA that we could actually be friends due to stupid fucking ethics. Quite frankly, and it's selfish, but I am OK with her just being the Doc that I have a one-way friendship with due to ethics and other constraints....I NEED the therapy WAY more than anything else right now. So I guess that's the tradeoff I have to make off in order to have a successful therapy process and although I hate the fact that I eventually loose her as a friend (probably my best), it's the way it has to be in order for me to get past all the hell in my head.
Wow...this post was WAY longer than I intended. Not even sure if I covered what I meant to: that I took a risk and sent a somewhat-scrubbed version of the previous post on here to my Doc because I think that one really needs her feedback because of the fact it allowed/inspired me to say out loud the things that happened to me as a child. AND, that I just wanted to remind myself that there are tradeoffs in my therapy and as awesome as I think the Doc is, the therapy/friendship/whatever has to end at some point and probably with some finality...bummer but life I guess.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Stupid PTSD, STUPID ME
Sometimes I have to wonder why...WHY...WWWHHHHYYYY? I mean, how is it some people fought right next to me, almost literally in Iraq, and aren't bothered at all by that shit. I hear a bass drum at a concert and it just takes me back to all the incoming rounds landing around me, blowing shit...and people...all to hell!!! I have been told that my childhood sexual trauma is a BIG reason why Iraq affected me so. I spent most of my life trying...and for the most part succeeding, to forget everything that happened back then. Hell, I had all but forgotten EVERYTHING until the shit from Iraq messed up the grey area in between my fucking ears.
I have been in therapy for now almost two, TWO years. I knew that if I didnt go, I would become one of those older vets who does really violent and stupid shit. Hell, I had even forgotten about three suicide plans (and one partial attempt that I had seriously worked out...only told the Doc one though for some reason) I mean, I SEE the temper and I know the thoughts I have when I am pissed...and I see the dumbass ideas I get when I am amped up. I wonder how many other vets are on the freeway, get in "that place" and just floor the fucking gas peddle. Who in that situation doesn't want to feel the fucking the rush of the cars getting passed and the quiet knowledge that it wouldn't take much at all...just a slight jerk of the wheel...to end all of the fucking misery.
I think I still apply that same process to too many things. I mean, I have learned a LOT in therapy and I really try to use it. But then there's those days, or even weeks, when everything goes out the window and I get sooooo fucked/jacked/amped/twisted up in hell. At this point, I am starting to think that maybe I did have a little more than the usual bad stuff happen to me when I was younger...like maybe I am a little bit unique in my own hell. I sure as shit don't think I am better than anyone and I certainly don't deserve any more attention than the next guy. Hell, there are vets that MOST DEFINITELY have earned more respect and need for attention than I could even fathom. I mean, what did I do...I got some guys killed, I didn't kill a specific insurgent teenager when I had the perfect chance (getting even more killed), I took a lot of rounds that missed me by the grace of God or a gust of wind, and I looked at too many fucked up bodies from explosions (although I say that a body that's been sitting for a few days in the heat HAS to be worse than one that just got dismembered from a friggin mortar round). Ohh..and there's the fact that at three...THREE...different times in my childhood(ages 4-5, 6-7, and 9-10) I was used as a fuck-hole for too many people. Raped! I was RAPED more than once by more than once person. I was RAPED with fingers, toys, and a bunch of asshole's cocks. Sometimes I can feel that pain now...I remember that it never didn't hurt during the younger times and I am sickened that I have memories of kind of liking that shit while the last couple was raping her daughter and me. I went through six months or so of puberty while learning yet again how to suck men and eat women and how to have sex myself. First time I ever "measured" myself was because that barmaid bitch told me to...that was the first time I ever really thought about how long or fat I was. That stupid bitch was obsessed with comparing me to her fucking boyfriend...she made it a game and I somewhat believe that she was the one in charge. She made him so pissed one time when she said I was "fatter" then him. How fucked up is it that I was proud of that...they are MAKING me fuck and suck them and her daughter and I was starting to like it and starting to get proud of my dick and taking pride in the fucked up shit I was "learning" how to do. Sometimes I WANTED to go down the street to that fucking black house. I wished my dick didn't work back then or that I would've cut it off. Then her cigarette breath would have never affected it!!! Some days it is SOOO hard to feel like a man when I realized that the only people probably fucked more in the ass and mouth than me are the gonzo porn chics. Probably not really true but it fucking feels like it!!!!!!! Doesn't help that I went though spurts of time where I thought I was gay or bi. Not attracted to guys, but sometimes the idea of some specific things makes me way too excited sometimes. Especially when that same idea is a reminder of the things I had to do as a kid...a reminder of this shit. I think the middle stuff was the worst because that bitch and her husband were definitely fucking psycho...but I am not sure that some bondage, s&m, and rape is worse than the mini-orgies and the fucking fantasies that I still find myself having that almost mimic the same positions and actions. Oh, if I could find those motherfuckers...every last fucking one of them!!! How's that for honestly...which brings me to my stupidity.
I could be doing something valuable like working on stuff for this course I am in or doing homework that is due tonight...but nope. I am paying my homework only a little attention while I dig around on the TV, look for decent porn, and ponder drinking way too much scotch. Too much scotch...I think with my medication that ANY scotch is too much. But given the fact that I NEVER feel drunk from scotch UNLESS I have had too much....I wouldn't know I had too much until I had too much. Of course that would be bad for a bunch of reasons! I have had so many stupid ideas tonight it's a wonder that suicide is the only thing I haven't thought about. I mean, I don't want to die...not sure I wan't to "be"...but I don't want to be dead. How much easier would things be if my doc just locked me up for the rest of my life??? Unfortunately, I have the kids, so a long-term lock up would definitely result in a mass homicide and a suicide. But, my life feels so SOOO fucked right now that sometimes I really wish she would lock me up. I don't think I could effectively lie to her, so I don't think there's anything shy of "please lock me up" that I could say to her...especially since getting "locked up" would cost me my job and other things. What a fucking bummer!!!! How come we as a society can't have mental health week on a bi-annual basis? I mean I have this DRIVE to be the BEST at what I do at work...but personally I am just sooo fucking drained most of the time.
So why do I want to run? Why am I not using my tools effectively? Why do I feel like I am regressing? I have NO idea. A part of me thinks that I feel "comfortable" in my misery, but a part of my thinks it needs to be gone like yesterday and that I need to start LIVING. But then it's like there are all these things against me in my personal life: I have a wife I trust maybe 20% of the time to be supportive, I ha I have the same Doc who I wish didn't have so many damn patients, I have a memory that doesn't seem to want to remind me of the tools when I need them most, and I seem to have just plain gotten lazy with little drive to better myself personally. I seem to put all of my efforts into professional development and keeping my wife from exploding. Doesn't seem right on some level I guess!!!!!!!!
I guess I am going to go to sleep...maybe that's the only right answer for today and tomorrow I will have some fucking epiphany. Who the fuck knows!!!! I do know that I don't want to deal with any bullshit tonight...which is probably a good reason to contact the Doc...but NOT doing that either. But on the flip side of the "talking to people" thing, I still have to tell my kids goodnight and talk to my wife.
I have been in therapy for now almost two, TWO years. I knew that if I didnt go, I would become one of those older vets who does really violent and stupid shit. Hell, I had even forgotten about three suicide plans (and one partial attempt that I had seriously worked out...only told the Doc one though for some reason) I mean, I SEE the temper and I know the thoughts I have when I am pissed...and I see the dumbass ideas I get when I am amped up. I wonder how many other vets are on the freeway, get in "that place" and just floor the fucking gas peddle. Who in that situation doesn't want to feel the fucking the rush of the cars getting passed and the quiet knowledge that it wouldn't take much at all...just a slight jerk of the wheel...to end all of the fucking misery.
I think I still apply that same process to too many things. I mean, I have learned a LOT in therapy and I really try to use it. But then there's those days, or even weeks, when everything goes out the window and I get sooooo fucked/jacked/amped/twisted up in hell. At this point, I am starting to think that maybe I did have a little more than the usual bad stuff happen to me when I was younger...like maybe I am a little bit unique in my own hell. I sure as shit don't think I am better than anyone and I certainly don't deserve any more attention than the next guy. Hell, there are vets that MOST DEFINITELY have earned more respect and need for attention than I could even fathom. I mean, what did I do...I got some guys killed, I didn't kill a specific insurgent teenager when I had the perfect chance (getting even more killed), I took a lot of rounds that missed me by the grace of God or a gust of wind, and I looked at too many fucked up bodies from explosions (although I say that a body that's been sitting for a few days in the heat HAS to be worse than one that just got dismembered from a friggin mortar round). Ohh..and there's the fact that at three...THREE...different times in my childhood(ages 4-5, 6-7, and 9-10) I was used as a fuck-hole for too many people. Raped! I was RAPED more than once by more than once person. I was RAPED with fingers, toys, and a bunch of asshole's cocks. Sometimes I can feel that pain now...I remember that it never didn't hurt during the younger times and I am sickened that I have memories of kind of liking that shit while the last couple was raping her daughter and me. I went through six months or so of puberty while learning yet again how to suck men and eat women and how to have sex myself. First time I ever "measured" myself was because that barmaid bitch told me to...that was the first time I ever really thought about how long or fat I was. That stupid bitch was obsessed with comparing me to her fucking boyfriend...she made it a game and I somewhat believe that she was the one in charge. She made him so pissed one time when she said I was "fatter" then him. How fucked up is it that I was proud of that...they are MAKING me fuck and suck them and her daughter and I was starting to like it and starting to get proud of my dick and taking pride in the fucked up shit I was "learning" how to do. Sometimes I WANTED to go down the street to that fucking black house. I wished my dick didn't work back then or that I would've cut it off. Then her cigarette breath would have never affected it!!! Some days it is SOOO hard to feel like a man when I realized that the only people probably fucked more in the ass and mouth than me are the gonzo porn chics. Probably not really true but it fucking feels like it!!!!!!! Doesn't help that I went though spurts of time where I thought I was gay or bi. Not attracted to guys, but sometimes the idea of some specific things makes me way too excited sometimes. Especially when that same idea is a reminder of the things I had to do as a kid...a reminder of this shit. I think the middle stuff was the worst because that bitch and her husband were definitely fucking psycho...but I am not sure that some bondage, s&m, and rape is worse than the mini-orgies and the fucking fantasies that I still find myself having that almost mimic the same positions and actions. Oh, if I could find those motherfuckers...every last fucking one of them!!! How's that for honestly...which brings me to my stupidity.
I could be doing something valuable like working on stuff for this course I am in or doing homework that is due tonight...but nope. I am paying my homework only a little attention while I dig around on the TV, look for decent porn, and ponder drinking way too much scotch. Too much scotch...I think with my medication that ANY scotch is too much. But given the fact that I NEVER feel drunk from scotch UNLESS I have had too much....I wouldn't know I had too much until I had too much. Of course that would be bad for a bunch of reasons! I have had so many stupid ideas tonight it's a wonder that suicide is the only thing I haven't thought about. I mean, I don't want to die...not sure I wan't to "be"...but I don't want to be dead. How much easier would things be if my doc just locked me up for the rest of my life??? Unfortunately, I have the kids, so a long-term lock up would definitely result in a mass homicide and a suicide. But, my life feels so SOOO fucked right now that sometimes I really wish she would lock me up. I don't think I could effectively lie to her, so I don't think there's anything shy of "please lock me up" that I could say to her...especially since getting "locked up" would cost me my job and other things. What a fucking bummer!!!! How come we as a society can't have mental health week on a bi-annual basis? I mean I have this DRIVE to be the BEST at what I do at work...but personally I am just sooo fucking drained most of the time.
So why do I want to run? Why am I not using my tools effectively? Why do I feel like I am regressing? I have NO idea. A part of me thinks that I feel "comfortable" in my misery, but a part of my thinks it needs to be gone like yesterday and that I need to start LIVING. But then it's like there are all these things against me in my personal life: I have a wife I trust maybe 20% of the time to be supportive, I ha I have the same Doc who I wish didn't have so many damn patients, I have a memory that doesn't seem to want to remind me of the tools when I need them most, and I seem to have just plain gotten lazy with little drive to better myself personally. I seem to put all of my efforts into professional development and keeping my wife from exploding. Doesn't seem right on some level I guess!!!!!!!!
I guess I am going to go to sleep...maybe that's the only right answer for today and tomorrow I will have some fucking epiphany. Who the fuck knows!!!! I do know that I don't want to deal with any bullshit tonight...which is probably a good reason to contact the Doc...but NOT doing that either. But on the flip side of the "talking to people" thing, I still have to tell my kids goodnight and talk to my wife.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Associating my wife with hell????
My wife and I have been having some really stupid but fucked up arguments as of late. The bottom line has been that she believes that "if [I] inists she see a counselor about who she's become then I can just leave." This was only part of the argument. A lot my complaints with her revolve CONSISTENTLY around her constantly shitty temper and the yelling.
I HATE yelling and I do it myself ONLY as a LAST option before using my fists t settle something. Yelling has a VERY strong ability to trigger ALL of my trauma from my childhood as well as some of the incidents from Iraq. So, yelling kind of ALWAYS takes me back to that hell of being raped as a child...EVERY time! Since I have started explicitly working this trauma with the Doc, my reaction has worsened! It's even been so bad as to cause me problems when a specific group member looses his temper. It's like an isntant flashback trigger. Now, my wife has been kind of the same.
So this past Monday we had this continuation of the fight and she was yelling. She later gave me her "apology" in the form of a hug and a dirty joke. Shortly after that, she wanted sex. So I had sex with her.
I am sure that I only go hard was due to being physically horny. I was able to get into us having sex but I had to fight a lot of shit from when I was hurt as a kid. It might be germane to note that we JUST had sex...some oral and grouping and kissing and them me on top. However, she had asked to get some of our "things" and to 69 with her. I would normally be OK that, even like it, but it seemed like everything she did or wanted just triggerd more memories of hell!!!
This wouldn't have been if it was just one night. However, happeded that night and then again Thursday. And that wasn't the worst part. What was the worst was actually 2 things...equally horrible: 1) My nightares have been horrible since Monday night, and 2) EVERYTIME I have been around her this last week and looked at, I either see those fucker's face or I see her face on the necks of those who raped me!!!!!
The Doc was helpful, even if she did have to miss my second appointment for the week this past Friday. However, I am falling asleep typing this so I will have to update or post a part II. The only good news is that I am out of town for a week, so I don't need a solution this very exact second.
I HATE yelling and I do it myself ONLY as a LAST option before using my fists t settle something. Yelling has a VERY strong ability to trigger ALL of my trauma from my childhood as well as some of the incidents from Iraq. So, yelling kind of ALWAYS takes me back to that hell of being raped as a child...EVERY time! Since I have started explicitly working this trauma with the Doc, my reaction has worsened! It's even been so bad as to cause me problems when a specific group member looses his temper. It's like an isntant flashback trigger. Now, my wife has been kind of the same.
So this past Monday we had this continuation of the fight and she was yelling. She later gave me her "apology" in the form of a hug and a dirty joke. Shortly after that, she wanted sex. So I had sex with her.
I am sure that I only go hard was due to being physically horny. I was able to get into us having sex but I had to fight a lot of shit from when I was hurt as a kid. It might be germane to note that we JUST had sex...some oral and grouping and kissing and them me on top. However, she had asked to get some of our "things" and to 69 with her. I would normally be OK that, even like it, but it seemed like everything she did or wanted just triggerd more memories of hell!!!
This wouldn't have been if it was just one night. However, happeded that night and then again Thursday. And that wasn't the worst part. What was the worst was actually 2 things...equally horrible: 1) My nightares have been horrible since Monday night, and 2) EVERYTIME I have been around her this last week and looked at, I either see those fucker's face or I see her face on the necks of those who raped me!!!!!
The Doc was helpful, even if she did have to miss my second appointment for the week this past Friday. However, I am falling asleep typing this so I will have to update or post a part II. The only good news is that I am out of town for a week, so I don't need a solution this very exact second.
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