There is something about being gone on a fun trip that makes me realize what I love and care about most in this world. I could give a shit about me most days, whether I live or die, but being gone this past weekend made me realize how much I wanted my wife and kids with me. I think this is good since it's one of the first times I have I have just honestly felt that way about ALL the kids AND the wife.
It's not that I don't love any of them. On the contrary, they are about all I truly love, except for some that I consider friends, like I mentioned before. However, my usual mode of operation is to just crave lonliness. I still haven't figured out why I always feel that I need this but I do know that it goes hand in hand with my wanting to run...ALL THE TIME!
Anyway, I feel pretty good today. I am physically fucking exhausted. But, I think having the time to myself and the time to relax, unwind, find thngs to focus on other than my traumas...I really needed that!!! It made me really miss my family. Most importantly it made me really miss ME.
I think that THIS is actually progess! I am missing more and more the person I was before the Iraq trauma happened and at least before the memories of the childhood sexual trauma that I had to suffer through! That HAS to indicate that I do want to live and that I do want to move forward in my life and my treatment. I think that this reaffirms my need to talk with the Doc about maybe developing some goals...not necessarily time-limited therapy (I can see the pros and cons of this actually), but at least something a little more tangible.
I have no clue what I wanted to say here....a lot of interruptions! But that's OK!!! I just kinda feel good and willing to move forward. I think I am good going back to "pink tutus" and "plucking." :-)
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