I wanted to post this the other night...and probably should have just to vent since I haven't been able to write in my journal since then either. What happened was innocous, stupid! I made a comment about a chic that a friend had been seeing...I guess I kinda had/have a crush on her since I have this huge weekness for brunettes with glasses...but who doesn't, right?
Anyway, I made a comment about how hot she was or something along those lines. Apparently this was all he needed to start to tell me a story of one of their encounters. I could have cared less. Except when he started saying that she got miffed at him because he wouldn't let her go down on him, I called bullshit. I mean, I think I am pretty fucked up when it comes to sex, especially since EVERY time I have it anymore, I have to fight the memories of the screwed up shit from childhood away. However, when I am not being haunted by those events and those fucktards, I enjoy a blowjob as much as the next guy...and I told him this. I told him this thinking it would be more of a joke, especially since I was dropping him off and I just wanted to go home. However, I guess it wasn't!
He didn't get mad, which struck me as odd. He did say that he has never enjoyed them because of something in his past...this was news to me and I immediately thought that I might have found someone who understands this shit from having experienced that hell. I mean my Doc's the best, but I don't think she's had to go through anything like this, thank God! So I was kind of happy he said that in a selfish way, and I somewhat blurted that I had not 1 but 3 different trips to HELL as a kid. Before I could re-iterate that I do in fact like a good BJ (when my heads no in Hell!), he piped up that I should understand then...that anyone who goes through that involuntarily, especially a guy, doesn't like sex that much or at least not oral. I couldn't believe that! I didn't really argue though as now I just wanted to RUN. All the self-doubt and self-guilt and pain came back like THAT! Did I ask for this to happen??? No I don't think so! And I KNOW that and have WORKED on that! But him saying that was like telling me I was either lying about the events or that I must have wanted it in some way! What really made me mad when I got to thinking was that somewhere in there I mentioned a book that the Doc had recommended for male survivors of childhood sexual trauma/abuse. He said he HAD the same book and had already read the whole thing (which is more than I can say for me since the Doc slowed me down on things).
I don't think he was trying to say what I heard. Quite frankly he has a story for every last damn thing under the sun...so I was doubting him from the start. However, and this is the shitty part, it's been EATING me since that night. I was in SUCH a GOOD (not Great, but good) place until he said that!
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