I think that there are a LOT of stupid things that one can do while in therapy. A LOT! I also believe the therapy process to be one of tradeoffs over time. Tonight I made a tradeoff that I hope wasn't a terrible risk that ends up hurting more than helping. I copied one of my more recent, and more important, posts from here and sent to my Doc for feedback.
The post I sent was the one I made prior to this one...with some scrubbing of course. Some of what was in the post was not germane to my hope of feedback. However, just sending the post makes it more possible for the Doc or anyone who reads it (God forbid she shares it, even anonymously) to actually search for and find this blog. Quite frankly I have enjoyed checking the stats and seeing that I am the only one actually visiting the site. I guess this doesn't rule out RSS Feeds, but that's a small risk as I am pretty sure nothing I write here is of any value to anyone else. HOWEVER, I think that there are some things here that if read by some of my friends, my kids, my wife, or the Doc, would cause me some hassle, at a minimum. Thus the risk! I don't believe it was a stupid choice, but time will tell.
Why did I send it to her? Why did I even mention it? In today's session I explained to her why I have been in such a good mood and what caused me to have some epiphanies/revelations last week. It was that post. It was adding to that post and re-reading the entire thing. It was reading that post out LOUD to myself in my hotel room last week. It was the feeling the anger at those who RAPED and used me WITHOUT feeling the anger and guilt at myself. Sure, that's still there, in me deep and probably will be for a long time. BUT I didn't have to own it while I got mad at these "people" who abused me and I didn't have to accept blame for something I couldn't control. So all that said, I think that since I really appreciate the Doc's point of view on things and level-headed way of examining things, I think her feedback on that post (the edited version that is) will be good AS WELL AS Helpful in my overall recovery process.
I realized a long time ago that there are tradeoffs in every relationship: professional, casual, and personal. In therapy I believe that there has to be a tradeoff of attachments, connections, investments, and emotions. I think my Doc is the best because she seems to invest 100% into each session and because she's willing to call me on my shit. I think that she also has to bear the brunt of the tradeoff. When I disclose the things that traumatized me from Iraq and when I disclose those disgusting events of my childhood, she get's it stuck in her brain, along with all of the other horror stories from all of the other vets that she treats. The tradeoff I think for her is two-fold: 1) in investing herself in the therapy process and doctor/patient relationship, she has to give up a bit of herself and "take on" some or all of the painful mental images of her patients, and 2) she has to, I think anyway, constantly battle a balance between what to say and when to say it in order to avoid a multitude of possible problems such as a patient getting too emotionally attached, a patient feeling threatened enough to react against her, or a even the possible risks of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time or having a statement or interpretation missinterpretted. (sp?)
I think though that as a patient, I also have tradeoffs that I have to go through. One of these is that of attachment. I think, or I hope, that it is normal for a patient to develop an attachment to their doctor, whether it be a romantic one, a friendship one, an enabling/co-dependent one, some combination of these, or others. I know for me personally I have gone through a few of these over different times: I had to convince myself of different assumptions about the Doc in order to seriously avoid thinking of her in sexual ways, I thought I was in love with her at one point, and I thought that we could be really good friends forever (especially since I do try to keep those friendships that are GREAT active). I have come to some conclusions on the tradeoffs though: I absolutely cannot think about the Doc in sexual terms...I know I tried a few times a while ago and just COULDN'T do it...which was strange, I absolutely cannot be "in love" with the Doc (while I admit to having quite strong feelings for her, it's definitely not anything I allow myself to focus on nor is it the stereotypical "in love with my doc" shit...guess it's more of just a love for the Doc...more than like that for a sister but I also don't allow to be sexual or romantic either), and I don't think that if she stays at the VA that we could actually be friends due to stupid fucking ethics. Quite frankly, and it's selfish, but I am OK with her just being the Doc that I have a one-way friendship with due to ethics and other constraints....I NEED the therapy WAY more than anything else right now. So I guess that's the tradeoff I have to make off in order to have a successful therapy process and although I hate the fact that I eventually loose her as a friend (probably my best), it's the way it has to be in order for me to get past all the hell in my head.
Wow...this post was WAY longer than I intended. Not even sure if I covered what I meant to: that I took a risk and sent a somewhat-scrubbed version of the previous post on here to my Doc because I think that one really needs her feedback because of the fact it allowed/inspired me to say out loud the things that happened to me as a child. AND, that I just wanted to remind myself that there are tradeoffs in my therapy and as awesome as I think the Doc is, the therapy/friendship/whatever has to end at some point and probably with some finality...bummer but life I guess.
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