Made it home tonight! Long damn day, to say the least! Had to take a shuttle bus from my original airport an hour away to a different one since my outbound flight was messed up. And that was after 3 LONG hours of driving at 0-dark 30. Crap!!!
It's been a long couple of weeks. I am taking a trip with a friend this weekend....Driving NOT flying. I am looking forward to the break. However, it won't give me any time to read. I did have a row to myself the last leg of my flight today, and I did use that to read my Victims No Longer book. It made me think about a LOT of things. I think I need to reassess a few things based on some ideas I got from what I read tonight.
I think one thing I really need to do is talk with the Doc and reassess some things. So here's what I am thinking:
1) I don't know what my goals are anymore. So this is where to start. I keep reading/hearing the term time-limited therapy. I don't know if that's something that will sit well with me in regards to either the childhood trauma nor iraq.
- I've been thinking about this a lot though...
- Working on my fear/pain/guilt/anger of my past
- Working on my exposure therapy. Next appointment, I am going to sit in the most vulnerable spot
2) What is the best way to work towards those goals?
- Seems like recently I have been monopolizing sessions with talking about nothing but present stuff. Some of this is directly about how my past is fucking me mentally up in the present. But there is a lot of extraneous stuff.
3) I think I need to clarify with the Doc that I fully understand the "rules." I have a hard time talking with anyone even the Doc, and although I think I maybe contact her too much...it really only is when I feel like I have to. (This should be one of, or grouped in somehow, my goals). I think she knows that and is trying to get me to learn to better deal with things on my own. But sometimes her responses seem as though she has gotten exasperated with having to help me. I don't want to go down that path of thinking because then I wouldn't be able to trust her. I think this is where my anger yesterday came from, from worrying that the Doc is just tired of me and my neediness. One of the things I read didn't help...the book basically said that any good therapist should understand this neediness and/or the need that survivors have to latch on to people that help without costs.
On top of maybe working with the Doc to re-acquire some focus in my sessions. I am starting to think about some other things:
1) I need to talk with the wife about the marital counselor. He called the other day but I haven't had time to call him back. I have been home for an hour and am leaving again in 8....and I am nervous to bring it up with her. I am nervous that she's going to refuse to honor her agreement to go. Apparently this guy does "time-limited" couples counseling with specific goals. Hearing about him and his program is actually what started me thinking about my own individual therapy.
2) I think I am ready to ask about/look into groups for adult survivors. The thing my buddy said last week that fucked me up so bad, even still, made me at first afraid of everyone, even the Doc (I don't know why I didn't want to tell her that in the email that she replied to...strangely...the other day). However, I NEED others who can empathize with my history and provide me some external support. I can't rely on the Doc forever and I don't want to overwhelm the wife all the time either.
3) Do something about "contacting my inner child." The Doc mentioned this before and I read again about it tonight. It sounds very weird to me...but it makes sense on this lower level. No one protected that kid. I should talk with him.
Anyway, I feel good now that I am home. It was like all the pressure of the world and my brain kind of disappeared. I really did miss my wife and kis. As much as I worry about the future of our marriage, I really do love this woman and don't want anyone else!!!
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