It's bad enough that non-verbal mediums that are used for communication have the distinct drawback of not being able to convey the emotion or mentality of the comment/speaker...or the listener. But when I couple this with all of the things I struggle with on a daily (hourly, or by the minute even) basis, it sometimes just makes my life shit. Complete and total and utter SHIT!!!! There are distinct reasons why I haven't killed myself when the pain inside and/or the guilt and self-hatred has become unbearable. Those reasons matter...a LOT. And I know that my life matters so at this point I have no intention of ending. Quite the opposite actually...I want/need to make my life better. Not my job or home or even family...nope...MY LIFE.
The day to day, hour to hour hell that I cycle in and out of on a random frequency; this is what I need to change. I need to find a way to start this change. :-(
What I know I need to do when my head gets fucked up or I get to amped:
- BREATHE...BREATHE...BREATHE. Mindfulness breathing...or at least how I think it's supposed to be done
- Talk with myself. Remember where I really am. Who I am with. What we are doing.
- Move around. Don't just sit there going in a downward spiral
- Try to shift focus. A point on the wall. Lyrics to a song I like. A task. Be careful here....this leads me to 80 hour work weeks.
- Write. Writing helps me. I know this. Why have I gotten lazy about this?
---WHAT ELSE can I add to this? What things can I learn to do automatically that will allow me to NOT get into those places like I am in this week.
What I know I need to work on with people around me:
- Remember who I am in each situation. What's my role in regards to who's around me...coworker, spouse, father, patient, customer, inquisitor?
- Remember that my wife CAN be very supportive and helpful...but I MUST be willing to share it with her. I have gotten better here I think. Somethings are just TOO hard to say out loud to ANYONE, even if they are driving me towards a dangerous precipice. The next hurdle with her will be the marriage counseling and if she actually goes. Bad news if she doesn't, but I think she will. I think she does, somewhere/time love me as much as I love her. I would hate for my marriage to her to end because of her bullshit temper or my crappy fucked up brain.
- Remember that I have friends with similar experiences. I DON'T have to agree with them always, but I can bounce shit off of them AND be there for them.
- Remember that my Doc isn't my "personal" Doc and they have other patients. I cannot monopolize all of her time with emails, texts, etc. I do think I have gotten a lot better here, although the dynamic has really seemed strange between us for a bit of time now. I am choosing to believe, most of the time, that it is because she is busy. However, I struggle a lot with the possibilities of: she's fucking tired of my bitch-ass, she thinks I am a piece of shit, she thinks I have gotten "too attached" to her (or maybe the other way, but I doubt that), she's overly frustrated with a lot of things and my annoying her just make me a target of her anger sometimes, etc.
What I know I need to work on in my brain:
- A LOT
- My focus. I have to maintain my focus...use that discipline I USED to have.
- Proper AND Pertinent thoughts. In addition to focus, I really need to work on not having the improper thoughts (and no not just sexual ones), but also to work on actually having the proper ones. Maybe some ADD here trying to fight with some OCD? WTFK's???
What do I know:
- I know my wife loves me and wants to help me
- I know I love my wife and will not just up and leave her for anyone else. IF the marriage were to ever end, then it would end only after every option was exhausted and because her and I just stopped getting along at all.
- I know my kids are my life. I need to not be so hard on them, or at least in a negative way.
- I didn't kill those people in Iraq, directly or indirectly
- I didn't ask those people to rape me or to degrade me or use me against anyone else
- Physical arousal is NOT the same thing as real arousal...a hard on doesn't mean the thought turns ME on...just that my body is having a normal reaction given the context.
- I know I do need someone to hold my hand a LOT more in recent months...and I am kinda OK with that. Although, as I think is above somewhere, I really have been feeling like the Doc is just tired of it.
- I know it's not my fault that my ex-friend hacked some of my accounts and tried starting some shit. I think, but I really have no proof, that this is what caused my buddy S to quit talking to me all together.
- I know I have to be willing to take more risks to trust more people.
- I know that I have to go back to being much more direct with people. I don't know when I started trying to be "nicer" to everone...but with the exception of my wife and kids, I think the damn gloves need to come back off and I need to be the direct guy I used to be.
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