I think, even though I haven't posted much, that I should post about my Doc.
Doc is my doctor, and ROCKS!!! The shame of it is, she is probably one of three people worth anything here at the local VA. However, she is worth a lot! She is like that friend that just WILL NOT take your crap on ANY day...except she's the Doc and not you're friend!
It doesn't matter my mood when I walk in her office, I leave feeling like a ton of bricks has been removed from my back...even if she had me on the verge of crying in her office. This whole Cognitive Processing Therapy has been painful, but without Doc, I am certain that I would NEVER have stuck it out this long. Given some of the stupid shit I have done, even since therapy started, I am lucky to have Doc helping me.
Thing is, I didn't WANT to do therapy or see anyone. Then, I didn't want to see a female doctor. Unfortunately, I got STUCK with both. However, it has worked out well so far. It didn't help at first that she was HOT...but then I just convinced myself that was a lesbian, :-) which helped me quickly get past that fact.
So, I may not be perfect...or even 100% fixed. I am better because of Doc and will owe my life to her, whether she knows it or not! She may consider me a patient, but to me she is a friend. So for anyone doubting the value of the "Shrink,"...get off your ass and go see one...NOW!!!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Veteran's Day
Holy Crap Man! I let my shrink talk me into going to the Veteran's Day Parade here! It was probably good for my kids to be there...but not so good for me to be there!
To start things off, the "Marshall" of the parade was my Brigade Commander from when I was in Iraq! Not really a big deal you say? Maybe...except I seriously associate this guy with the memory of one PX exploding and with the fact that our unit just didn't take care of it's Soldiers...not sure if that was a Battalion thing or a Brigade thing, but the Company blamed him. Either way, him leading the parade was nothing but a trigger for my memories of Iraq.
Then...of all the damn things you could do at a Veteran's Parade...the friggin Fire Trucks had to run their sirens...somewhat reminiscent of the siren sound for incoming.
Unfortunately I let all this crap run my head, my emotions, my being. I spent the rest of the day in and out of hell, made a bunch of smartass comments to my shrink (and I think she is now OFFICIALLY annoyed with me, permanently), and just hated life the whole day!
My doc reminded me on Friday about breathing, mindfulness...and just not going down the F'ing rabbit hole. She was right, but the day before sucked. The therapy has been helping, but I failed to apply ANYTHING I learned and I suffered for it all day!
On another note: after at least a year of fighting it, I agreed to try an anti-depressant. That was a great idea! Actually, I owe that one to the Doc too. She told me she couldn't believe I made it this long without it, and with all of the other things she has been right about, I decided to try it. WOW...what a change!!!
To start things off, the "Marshall" of the parade was my Brigade Commander from when I was in Iraq! Not really a big deal you say? Maybe...except I seriously associate this guy with the memory of one PX exploding and with the fact that our unit just didn't take care of it's Soldiers...not sure if that was a Battalion thing or a Brigade thing, but the Company blamed him. Either way, him leading the parade was nothing but a trigger for my memories of Iraq.
Then...of all the damn things you could do at a Veteran's Parade...the friggin Fire Trucks had to run their sirens...somewhat reminiscent of the siren sound for incoming.
Unfortunately I let all this crap run my head, my emotions, my being. I spent the rest of the day in and out of hell, made a bunch of smartass comments to my shrink (and I think she is now OFFICIALLY annoyed with me, permanently), and just hated life the whole day!
My doc reminded me on Friday about breathing, mindfulness...and just not going down the F'ing rabbit hole. She was right, but the day before sucked. The therapy has been helping, but I failed to apply ANYTHING I learned and I suffered for it all day!
On another note: after at least a year of fighting it, I agreed to try an anti-depressant. That was a great idea! Actually, I owe that one to the Doc too. She told me she couldn't believe I made it this long without it, and with all of the other things she has been right about, I decided to try it. WOW...what a change!!!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Black, White, and Grey's Anatomy???
On Grey's Anatomy the other night, there was a lot of unsaid references to PTSD and how those who have it can need to address it. On the show (my wife got me hooked), there was a shooting and some people were hurt or killed. One character, Yang, who has been portrayed as a "no nonsense" surgeon, was afraid to perform surgeries...so much to the point that she laid on the floor during her first surgery back after being cleared by the pshycologist. Another character on the show, Karev (sp?) almost died in an elevator, so after the shooting incident, he would refuse to take the elevator but instead would run up and down the stairs.
What I found interesting was actually two things. The first was that some characters encouraged those such as Yang and Karev to "face their fears." The other thing is actually a dumb one, but I liked the reference: the title of the show contains the word "Grey", obviously. My doctor says that I have a LOT of black and white thinking...and I should probably state that this is true...and that I should try more thinking in grey.
Anyway, I have noticed on different shows that PTSD has been either the primary or the background focus. It was very interesting to me in Grey's Anatomy to see that the method recommended to address the PTSD was that of facing the fear/issue directly. This seems to me to be exactly in line with the specific type of therapy that I am doing through the VA...Cognative Processing Therapy (CPT). Althought this isn't exactly 100% exposure therapy, it DEFINITELY requires the patient, like me, to face the primary trauma experienced, much like Karev being forced to take the elevator until he wasn't afraid or like Yang being forced to perform a surgery, a surgery similar to the one that she associated with her trauma.
I am not an expert on CPT, or any time of therapy. I am also not a fan of the exposure philosophy. However, I CAN say that this type of therapy has greatly helped.
What I found interesting was actually two things. The first was that some characters encouraged those such as Yang and Karev to "face their fears." The other thing is actually a dumb one, but I liked the reference: the title of the show contains the word "Grey", obviously. My doctor says that I have a LOT of black and white thinking...and I should probably state that this is true...and that I should try more thinking in grey.
Anyway, I have noticed on different shows that PTSD has been either the primary or the background focus. It was very interesting to me in Grey's Anatomy to see that the method recommended to address the PTSD was that of facing the fear/issue directly. This seems to me to be exactly in line with the specific type of therapy that I am doing through the VA...Cognative Processing Therapy (CPT). Althought this isn't exactly 100% exposure therapy, it DEFINITELY requires the patient, like me, to face the primary trauma experienced, much like Karev being forced to take the elevator until he wasn't afraid or like Yang being forced to perform a surgery, a surgery similar to the one that she associated with her trauma.
I am not an expert on CPT, or any time of therapy. I am also not a fan of the exposure philosophy. However, I CAN say that this type of therapy has greatly helped.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
The beginning of the symptoms Part I
When I first came home from Iraq, I was mostly bothered by sounds, crowds, spacing out, and some very crappy dreams. The sounds that really bothered me were the sounds coming from the nighttime artillery firing that were happening on post. This was the worst the first two months that I was home but was somewhat alleviated when we bought a house.
The spacing out was not as bad as it has been since I was "floored" by everything, but that is something I will write about later. For the first year or so after I returned, my spacing out happened at arbitrary times and was just that, spacing out. I would find myself just thinking about some event that happened while I was in that hell hole. It wasn't until later that my spacing out involved my not knowing where the hell I was...was I back in Iraq getting shot at or was in Somewhere, USA... with little to know real risk around me?
After being home for about six months, life became very busy for me and I was able to push ALL things (but one) Iraq to the back corner of my mental closet. This busy-ness lasted for about two years with time in Korea, dealing with a dying relative, training, and working at the Pentagon. It wasn't until life slowed down drastically, when I was medically discharged and had a TON of free time on my hands that I was floored by the hell of Iraq, my own guilt, and some seriously irrational fear.
...to be continued
The spacing out was not as bad as it has been since I was "floored" by everything, but that is something I will write about later. For the first year or so after I returned, my spacing out happened at arbitrary times and was just that, spacing out. I would find myself just thinking about some event that happened while I was in that hell hole. It wasn't until later that my spacing out involved my not knowing where the hell I was...was I back in Iraq getting shot at or was in Somewhere, USA... with little to know real risk around me?
After being home for about six months, life became very busy for me and I was able to push ALL things (but one) Iraq to the back corner of my mental closet. This busy-ness lasted for about two years with time in Korea, dealing with a dying relative, training, and working at the Pentagon. It wasn't until life slowed down drastically, when I was medically discharged and had a TON of free time on my hands that I was floored by the hell of Iraq, my own guilt, and some seriously irrational fear.
...to be continued
Saturday, July 17, 2010
The PTSD blog
I have been diagnosed with PTSD. It sucks and it eats at every part of your life. Other than my VA shrink, who has been great but sadistic, I haven't said much to anyone since I came home from Iraq. My shrink keeps telling me that this is part of my problem, that I don't express myself and don't let others help me. With that in mind, I thought I would start a blog.
A blog allows me to (hopefully) remain anonymous while writing about the crazy shit in my head, the things that haunt me, and the results of these issues. I don't know if anyone will EVER read this other than me, but I think it will at least help me.
All that said:
1) I have no intention of making my blog G-rated....if it's in my head, it's going on here.
2) If you think you know me, keep it to yourself, don't be an ass and try to embaress me!
3) Maybe, just maybe, by writing more here I can feel slightly better, sleep without nightmares, and who knows, maybe someone else will find some solace.
A blog allows me to (hopefully) remain anonymous while writing about the crazy shit in my head, the things that haunt me, and the results of these issues. I don't know if anyone will EVER read this other than me, but I think it will at least help me.
All that said:
1) I have no intention of making my blog G-rated....if it's in my head, it's going on here.
2) If you think you know me, keep it to yourself, don't be an ass and try to embaress me!
3) Maybe, just maybe, by writing more here I can feel slightly better, sleep without nightmares, and who knows, maybe someone else will find some solace.
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