Made it home tonight! Long damn day, to say the least! Had to take a shuttle bus from my original airport an hour away to a different one since my outbound flight was messed up. And that was after 3 LONG hours of driving at 0-dark 30. Crap!!!
It's been a long couple of weeks. I am taking a trip with a friend this weekend....Driving NOT flying. I am looking forward to the break. However, it won't give me any time to read. I did have a row to myself the last leg of my flight today, and I did use that to read my Victims No Longer book. It made me think about a LOT of things. I think I need to reassess a few things based on some ideas I got from what I read tonight.
I think one thing I really need to do is talk with the Doc and reassess some things. So here's what I am thinking:
1) I don't know what my goals are anymore. So this is where to start. I keep reading/hearing the term time-limited therapy. I don't know if that's something that will sit well with me in regards to either the childhood trauma nor iraq.
- I've been thinking about this a lot though...
- Working on my fear/pain/guilt/anger of my past
- Working on my exposure therapy. Next appointment, I am going to sit in the most vulnerable spot
2) What is the best way to work towards those goals?
- Seems like recently I have been monopolizing sessions with talking about nothing but present stuff. Some of this is directly about how my past is fucking me mentally up in the present. But there is a lot of extraneous stuff.
3) I think I need to clarify with the Doc that I fully understand the "rules." I have a hard time talking with anyone even the Doc, and although I think I maybe contact her too much...it really only is when I feel like I have to. (This should be one of, or grouped in somehow, my goals). I think she knows that and is trying to get me to learn to better deal with things on my own. But sometimes her responses seem as though she has gotten exasperated with having to help me. I don't want to go down that path of thinking because then I wouldn't be able to trust her. I think this is where my anger yesterday came from, from worrying that the Doc is just tired of me and my neediness. One of the things I read didn't help...the book basically said that any good therapist should understand this neediness and/or the need that survivors have to latch on to people that help without costs.
On top of maybe working with the Doc to re-acquire some focus in my sessions. I am starting to think about some other things:
1) I need to talk with the wife about the marital counselor. He called the other day but I haven't had time to call him back. I have been home for an hour and am leaving again in 8....and I am nervous to bring it up with her. I am nervous that she's going to refuse to honor her agreement to go. Apparently this guy does "time-limited" couples counseling with specific goals. Hearing about him and his program is actually what started me thinking about my own individual therapy.
2) I think I am ready to ask about/look into groups for adult survivors. The thing my buddy said last week that fucked me up so bad, even still, made me at first afraid of everyone, even the Doc (I don't know why I didn't want to tell her that in the email that she replied to...strangely...the other day). However, I NEED others who can empathize with my history and provide me some external support. I can't rely on the Doc forever and I don't want to overwhelm the wife all the time either.
3) Do something about "contacting my inner child." The Doc mentioned this before and I read again about it tonight. It sounds very weird to me...but it makes sense on this lower level. No one protected that kid. I should talk with him.
Anyway, I feel good now that I am home. It was like all the pressure of the world and my brain kind of disappeared. I really did miss my wife and kis. As much as I worry about the future of our marriage, I really do love this woman and don't want anyone else!!!
Showing posts with label Therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Therapy. Show all posts
Friday, October 28, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Taking a risk in Therapy
I think that there are a LOT of stupid things that one can do while in therapy. A LOT! I also believe the therapy process to be one of tradeoffs over time. Tonight I made a tradeoff that I hope wasn't a terrible risk that ends up hurting more than helping. I copied one of my more recent, and more important, posts from here and sent to my Doc for feedback.
The post I sent was the one I made prior to this one...with some scrubbing of course. Some of what was in the post was not germane to my hope of feedback. However, just sending the post makes it more possible for the Doc or anyone who reads it (God forbid she shares it, even anonymously) to actually search for and find this blog. Quite frankly I have enjoyed checking the stats and seeing that I am the only one actually visiting the site. I guess this doesn't rule out RSS Feeds, but that's a small risk as I am pretty sure nothing I write here is of any value to anyone else. HOWEVER, I think that there are some things here that if read by some of my friends, my kids, my wife, or the Doc, would cause me some hassle, at a minimum. Thus the risk! I don't believe it was a stupid choice, but time will tell.
Why did I send it to her? Why did I even mention it? In today's session I explained to her why I have been in such a good mood and what caused me to have some epiphanies/revelations last week. It was that post. It was adding to that post and re-reading the entire thing. It was reading that post out LOUD to myself in my hotel room last week. It was the feeling the anger at those who RAPED and used me WITHOUT feeling the anger and guilt at myself. Sure, that's still there, in me deep and probably will be for a long time. BUT I didn't have to own it while I got mad at these "people" who abused me and I didn't have to accept blame for something I couldn't control. So all that said, I think that since I really appreciate the Doc's point of view on things and level-headed way of examining things, I think her feedback on that post (the edited version that is) will be good AS WELL AS Helpful in my overall recovery process.
I realized a long time ago that there are tradeoffs in every relationship: professional, casual, and personal. In therapy I believe that there has to be a tradeoff of attachments, connections, investments, and emotions. I think my Doc is the best because she seems to invest 100% into each session and because she's willing to call me on my shit. I think that she also has to bear the brunt of the tradeoff. When I disclose the things that traumatized me from Iraq and when I disclose those disgusting events of my childhood, she get's it stuck in her brain, along with all of the other horror stories from all of the other vets that she treats. The tradeoff I think for her is two-fold: 1) in investing herself in the therapy process and doctor/patient relationship, she has to give up a bit of herself and "take on" some or all of the painful mental images of her patients, and 2) she has to, I think anyway, constantly battle a balance between what to say and when to say it in order to avoid a multitude of possible problems such as a patient getting too emotionally attached, a patient feeling threatened enough to react against her, or a even the possible risks of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time or having a statement or interpretation missinterpretted. (sp?)
I think though that as a patient, I also have tradeoffs that I have to go through. One of these is that of attachment. I think, or I hope, that it is normal for a patient to develop an attachment to their doctor, whether it be a romantic one, a friendship one, an enabling/co-dependent one, some combination of these, or others. I know for me personally I have gone through a few of these over different times: I had to convince myself of different assumptions about the Doc in order to seriously avoid thinking of her in sexual ways, I thought I was in love with her at one point, and I thought that we could be really good friends forever (especially since I do try to keep those friendships that are GREAT active). I have come to some conclusions on the tradeoffs though: I absolutely cannot think about the Doc in sexual terms...I know I tried a few times a while ago and just COULDN'T do it...which was strange, I absolutely cannot be "in love" with the Doc (while I admit to having quite strong feelings for her, it's definitely not anything I allow myself to focus on nor is it the stereotypical "in love with my doc" shit...guess it's more of just a love for the Doc...more than like that for a sister but I also don't allow to be sexual or romantic either), and I don't think that if she stays at the VA that we could actually be friends due to stupid fucking ethics. Quite frankly, and it's selfish, but I am OK with her just being the Doc that I have a one-way friendship with due to ethics and other constraints....I NEED the therapy WAY more than anything else right now. So I guess that's the tradeoff I have to make off in order to have a successful therapy process and although I hate the fact that I eventually loose her as a friend (probably my best), it's the way it has to be in order for me to get past all the hell in my head.
Wow...this post was WAY longer than I intended. Not even sure if I covered what I meant to: that I took a risk and sent a somewhat-scrubbed version of the previous post on here to my Doc because I think that one really needs her feedback because of the fact it allowed/inspired me to say out loud the things that happened to me as a child. AND, that I just wanted to remind myself that there are tradeoffs in my therapy and as awesome as I think the Doc is, the therapy/friendship/whatever has to end at some point and probably with some finality...bummer but life I guess.
The post I sent was the one I made prior to this one...with some scrubbing of course. Some of what was in the post was not germane to my hope of feedback. However, just sending the post makes it more possible for the Doc or anyone who reads it (God forbid she shares it, even anonymously) to actually search for and find this blog. Quite frankly I have enjoyed checking the stats and seeing that I am the only one actually visiting the site. I guess this doesn't rule out RSS Feeds, but that's a small risk as I am pretty sure nothing I write here is of any value to anyone else. HOWEVER, I think that there are some things here that if read by some of my friends, my kids, my wife, or the Doc, would cause me some hassle, at a minimum. Thus the risk! I don't believe it was a stupid choice, but time will tell.
Why did I send it to her? Why did I even mention it? In today's session I explained to her why I have been in such a good mood and what caused me to have some epiphanies/revelations last week. It was that post. It was adding to that post and re-reading the entire thing. It was reading that post out LOUD to myself in my hotel room last week. It was the feeling the anger at those who RAPED and used me WITHOUT feeling the anger and guilt at myself. Sure, that's still there, in me deep and probably will be for a long time. BUT I didn't have to own it while I got mad at these "people" who abused me and I didn't have to accept blame for something I couldn't control. So all that said, I think that since I really appreciate the Doc's point of view on things and level-headed way of examining things, I think her feedback on that post (the edited version that is) will be good AS WELL AS Helpful in my overall recovery process.
I realized a long time ago that there are tradeoffs in every relationship: professional, casual, and personal. In therapy I believe that there has to be a tradeoff of attachments, connections, investments, and emotions. I think my Doc is the best because she seems to invest 100% into each session and because she's willing to call me on my shit. I think that she also has to bear the brunt of the tradeoff. When I disclose the things that traumatized me from Iraq and when I disclose those disgusting events of my childhood, she get's it stuck in her brain, along with all of the other horror stories from all of the other vets that she treats. The tradeoff I think for her is two-fold: 1) in investing herself in the therapy process and doctor/patient relationship, she has to give up a bit of herself and "take on" some or all of the painful mental images of her patients, and 2) she has to, I think anyway, constantly battle a balance between what to say and when to say it in order to avoid a multitude of possible problems such as a patient getting too emotionally attached, a patient feeling threatened enough to react against her, or a even the possible risks of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time or having a statement or interpretation missinterpretted. (sp?)
I think though that as a patient, I also have tradeoffs that I have to go through. One of these is that of attachment. I think, or I hope, that it is normal for a patient to develop an attachment to their doctor, whether it be a romantic one, a friendship one, an enabling/co-dependent one, some combination of these, or others. I know for me personally I have gone through a few of these over different times: I had to convince myself of different assumptions about the Doc in order to seriously avoid thinking of her in sexual ways, I thought I was in love with her at one point, and I thought that we could be really good friends forever (especially since I do try to keep those friendships that are GREAT active). I have come to some conclusions on the tradeoffs though: I absolutely cannot think about the Doc in sexual terms...I know I tried a few times a while ago and just COULDN'T do it...which was strange, I absolutely cannot be "in love" with the Doc (while I admit to having quite strong feelings for her, it's definitely not anything I allow myself to focus on nor is it the stereotypical "in love with my doc" shit...guess it's more of just a love for the Doc...more than like that for a sister but I also don't allow to be sexual or romantic either), and I don't think that if she stays at the VA that we could actually be friends due to stupid fucking ethics. Quite frankly, and it's selfish, but I am OK with her just being the Doc that I have a one-way friendship with due to ethics and other constraints....I NEED the therapy WAY more than anything else right now. So I guess that's the tradeoff I have to make off in order to have a successful therapy process and although I hate the fact that I eventually loose her as a friend (probably my best), it's the way it has to be in order for me to get past all the hell in my head.
Wow...this post was WAY longer than I intended. Not even sure if I covered what I meant to: that I took a risk and sent a somewhat-scrubbed version of the previous post on here to my Doc because I think that one really needs her feedback because of the fact it allowed/inspired me to say out loud the things that happened to me as a child. AND, that I just wanted to remind myself that there are tradeoffs in my therapy and as awesome as I think the Doc is, the therapy/friendship/whatever has to end at some point and probably with some finality...bummer but life I guess.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Journaling, Blogging, and Anonymity
So...I started journaling months ago at the Doc's request (order?). I like it, to be completely honest. It has allowed me to just let things flow in a why...to be able to write what I want. Actually what happens most of the time is that I get in the almost fugue state and "just write." I never seem to recall what I have written, and I have almost never gone back over it...much like this blog. There is a difference between the journal and blog though. The Doc would read the journal entries out loud and provide feedback or positive criticism whereas, with the exception of one person, I don't think anyone has ever read this blog.
Pros and Cons of the journal and the blog:
Pros for Journal: feedback, a little slower writing than typing (a little more control over what I write).
Pros for Blog: anonymity, and no one reads this.
Cons for Journal: physical record of what I have written and easily more traceable to me than my blog, sometimes the fact that I write some borderline shit and forget so there have been some embarrasing times with the Doc reading things.
Cons for Blog: No feedback since no one reads it. It's on the web.
So here's my thinking: If I don't journal, then the Doc doesn't read it: no feedback, but no worries. If I do journal, do I mirror the journal in the blog, just save the blog for some of the more personal or fearful entries. Also, I am conflicted about the blog and the "safety" of some of the information (and it's attribution) on here. Maybe blogging my PTSD shit is a bad idea? Dangerous? Then there's the fact that I really do appreciate the honest feedback from the Doc, so although I am glad that no one reads this, sometimes I actually regret that no one reads it or posts any comments, even anonymously. I will say that I got the impression in a discussion the other day that someone I know does actually read this, they just don't admit it...strange impression and probably just me being a fucking mindreader again!
So do I continue to blog or go back to journal, or some combination thereof??? That is one of the questions plaguing me tonight.
I will say I am going to bed in just a few minutes....getting to bed before midnight for the first time in 3-4 weeks(?) is a must. The fatigue is REALLY wearing on me and I am just plain fucking tired!
Pros and Cons of the journal and the blog:
Pros for Journal: feedback, a little slower writing than typing (a little more control over what I write).
Pros for Blog: anonymity, and no one reads this.
Cons for Journal: physical record of what I have written and easily more traceable to me than my blog, sometimes the fact that I write some borderline shit and forget so there have been some embarrasing times with the Doc reading things.
Cons for Blog: No feedback since no one reads it. It's on the web.
So here's my thinking: If I don't journal, then the Doc doesn't read it: no feedback, but no worries. If I do journal, do I mirror the journal in the blog, just save the blog for some of the more personal or fearful entries. Also, I am conflicted about the blog and the "safety" of some of the information (and it's attribution) on here. Maybe blogging my PTSD shit is a bad idea? Dangerous? Then there's the fact that I really do appreciate the honest feedback from the Doc, so although I am glad that no one reads this, sometimes I actually regret that no one reads it or posts any comments, even anonymously. I will say that I got the impression in a discussion the other day that someone I know does actually read this, they just don't admit it...strange impression and probably just me being a fucking mindreader again!
So do I continue to blog or go back to journal, or some combination thereof??? That is one of the questions plaguing me tonight.
I will say I am going to bed in just a few minutes....getting to bed before midnight for the first time in 3-4 weeks(?) is a must. The fatigue is REALLY wearing on me and I am just plain fucking tired!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Pluck-ing, FOLD-ing, and thinking
I have been in therapy through the VA for 18 months. I would never say it's been fun...but it has been definitely helpful. The therapies I have been working on or gone through are Prolonged Exposure and Cognitive Processing, in addition to the world's best group (I actually refused for almost a year to do ANY group based therapy or discussions...not of fan of crowds or small rooms for some reason. haha).
Anyway, the reason this post is about some of the things I have learned and how I am trying to push forward, be better, AND figure out who the hell I am anymore. Not all of the lesson's I have learned have been based upon some strict protocol. Nor have they all been based upon what the Doc or others say.
PLUCK
Probably the funniest thing to me, and actually one of the best, most helpful things is: "Pluck." Funny word, I know and if anyone actually ever read this, they'd probably be laughing so hard right now...NOT. Seriously though, PLUCK has been on the most helpful things I have learned and it was one of those tools that just "appeared" one day, at least to me. Those with PTSD tend to have a lot of what is called "Stuck Points." Additionally, they tend to have multiple patterns of "Problematic Thinking." These two are related.
One of my biggest stuck points is: I deserve(d) it. One of the biggest patterns of problematic thinking that brought me this stuck point is that of: mindreading. See...I have this uncanny ability to know what anyone is thinking about me. I "know" when someone thinks I am an idiot, or annoying, or being a bitch, or being wimpy, girly, stupid, or just plain fucking retarted. I even "know" this when it's not even true. During one session, I think my Doc was so annoyed with this ability that she thought of a way for me to slow down and stop "deciding" I know what she or anyone is thinking: PLUCK.
Still confused? Pluck means to take that negative, self-hating, mind-reading thought and to "pluck" it out of my brain. It means that when I am trying to talk and I think whoever listening is thinking shitty thoughts about me, that I just need to pluck that out of my head, ignoring it in reality, and just move forward. PLUCK...one hell of a therapeutic word.
FOLD actually stands for:
Feminist
Out of my league
Lesbian
Democrat
...or...someone I would know better than to try to have a crush on or to be attracted to. I mean, who REALLY wants to (other than LL Bean subscribers) be attracted or date or think about a feminist or Democrat...seriously!
In any event, there is a lesson here: if you are a crazy person like me and have the world's hottest Doc (which I guess would mean you live by me)...use FOLD over and over again so that you can focus on what you NEED to focus on. It has worked exceptionally well for me, even though I think for some time that I did have a pretty severe crush (?) for a little while...ok...maybe a medium while. But, I have stuck with "FOLD" and remember I am married, and remember that most, like the Doc, or just too damn good for me (deserve better than me)...hell, my wife deserves better.
I was going to add some other things to this post, but I am actually thinking about trying to get some damn sleep. This week has been long and sleep has been so shitty when I have been able to go to bed...I wonder if trying to sleep is even worth it at all.
I will add this:
Where am I at today/tonight?
I am SOOO tired! Tired of being tired, tired of physical, mental, and emotional pain! Tired of the jackass drivers where I live and the retards that seem to be free to do whatever they want. Tired of the fucking dreams/nightmares. Tired of still feeling like I have a LONG way to go in therapy. Tired of questioning my own beliefs and morals on a daily basis. Tired of wondering if my prozac needs to be increased...or just my Scotch intake (actually, I think it's been six months since I've had any liqour). Tired of thinking about the horrible memories, the dead, the dismembered, the raped, rapists. Tired of NOT knowing who the FUCK I am!!!!!
However, I am happy about a some things too...as happy as I can get anyway. Actually, that's not entirely a true statement. I was, and still am, very excited for Shane (see earlier posts) that he's out of jail. Some financial and career things have gone very well too, so I am kind of happy about that as well...although it is hard to really be happy about anything I do I guess.?????
Anyway, the reason this post is about some of the things I have learned and how I am trying to push forward, be better, AND figure out who the hell I am anymore. Not all of the lesson's I have learned have been based upon some strict protocol. Nor have they all been based upon what the Doc or others say.
PLUCK
Probably the funniest thing to me, and actually one of the best, most helpful things is: "Pluck." Funny word, I know and if anyone actually ever read this, they'd probably be laughing so hard right now...NOT. Seriously though, PLUCK has been on the most helpful things I have learned and it was one of those tools that just "appeared" one day, at least to me. Those with PTSD tend to have a lot of what is called "Stuck Points." Additionally, they tend to have multiple patterns of "Problematic Thinking." These two are related.
One of my biggest stuck points is: I deserve(d) it. One of the biggest patterns of problematic thinking that brought me this stuck point is that of: mindreading. See...I have this uncanny ability to know what anyone is thinking about me. I "know" when someone thinks I am an idiot, or annoying, or being a bitch, or being wimpy, girly, stupid, or just plain fucking retarted. I even "know" this when it's not even true. During one session, I think my Doc was so annoyed with this ability that she thought of a way for me to slow down and stop "deciding" I know what she or anyone is thinking: PLUCK.
Still confused? Pluck means to take that negative, self-hating, mind-reading thought and to "pluck" it out of my brain. It means that when I am trying to talk and I think whoever listening is thinking shitty thoughts about me, that I just need to pluck that out of my head, ignoring it in reality, and just move forward. PLUCK...one hell of a therapeutic word.
FOLD
Now, this is a fun one too. And it's one that I made up! Yah for my dumbass self (PLUCK :-) ).FOLD actually stands for:
Feminist
Out of my league
Lesbian
Democrat
...or...someone I would know better than to try to have a crush on or to be attracted to. I mean, who REALLY wants to (other than LL Bean subscribers) be attracted or date or think about a feminist or Democrat...seriously!
In any event, there is a lesson here: if you are a crazy person like me and have the world's hottest Doc (which I guess would mean you live by me)...use FOLD over and over again so that you can focus on what you NEED to focus on. It has worked exceptionally well for me, even though I think for some time that I did have a pretty severe crush (?) for a little while...ok...maybe a medium while. But, I have stuck with "FOLD" and remember I am married, and remember that most, like the Doc, or just too damn good for me (deserve better than me)...hell, my wife deserves better.
I was going to add some other things to this post, but I am actually thinking about trying to get some damn sleep. This week has been long and sleep has been so shitty when I have been able to go to bed...I wonder if trying to sleep is even worth it at all.
I will add this:
Where am I at today/tonight?
I am SOOO tired! Tired of being tired, tired of physical, mental, and emotional pain! Tired of the jackass drivers where I live and the retards that seem to be free to do whatever they want. Tired of the fucking dreams/nightmares. Tired of still feeling like I have a LONG way to go in therapy. Tired of questioning my own beliefs and morals on a daily basis. Tired of wondering if my prozac needs to be increased...or just my Scotch intake (actually, I think it's been six months since I've had any liqour). Tired of thinking about the horrible memories, the dead, the dismembered, the raped, rapists. Tired of NOT knowing who the FUCK I am!!!!!
However, I am happy about a some things too...as happy as I can get anyway. Actually, that's not entirely a true statement. I was, and still am, very excited for Shane (see earlier posts) that he's out of jail. Some financial and career things have gone very well too, so I am kind of happy about that as well...although it is hard to really be happy about anything I do I guess.?????
Saturday, November 13, 2010
My Doc Rocks
I think, even though I haven't posted much, that I should post about my Doc.
Doc is my doctor, and ROCKS!!! The shame of it is, she is probably one of three people worth anything here at the local VA. However, she is worth a lot! She is like that friend that just WILL NOT take your crap on ANY day...except she's the Doc and not you're friend!
It doesn't matter my mood when I walk in her office, I leave feeling like a ton of bricks has been removed from my back...even if she had me on the verge of crying in her office. This whole Cognitive Processing Therapy has been painful, but without Doc, I am certain that I would NEVER have stuck it out this long. Given some of the stupid shit I have done, even since therapy started, I am lucky to have Doc helping me.
Thing is, I didn't WANT to do therapy or see anyone. Then, I didn't want to see a female doctor. Unfortunately, I got STUCK with both. However, it has worked out well so far. It didn't help at first that she was HOT...but then I just convinced myself that was a lesbian, :-) which helped me quickly get past that fact.
So, I may not be perfect...or even 100% fixed. I am better because of Doc and will owe my life to her, whether she knows it or not! She may consider me a patient, but to me she is a friend. So for anyone doubting the value of the "Shrink,"...get off your ass and go see one...NOW!!!
Doc is my doctor, and ROCKS!!! The shame of it is, she is probably one of three people worth anything here at the local VA. However, she is worth a lot! She is like that friend that just WILL NOT take your crap on ANY day...except she's the Doc and not you're friend!
It doesn't matter my mood when I walk in her office, I leave feeling like a ton of bricks has been removed from my back...even if she had me on the verge of crying in her office. This whole Cognitive Processing Therapy has been painful, but without Doc, I am certain that I would NEVER have stuck it out this long. Given some of the stupid shit I have done, even since therapy started, I am lucky to have Doc helping me.
Thing is, I didn't WANT to do therapy or see anyone. Then, I didn't want to see a female doctor. Unfortunately, I got STUCK with both. However, it has worked out well so far. It didn't help at first that she was HOT...but then I just convinced myself that was a lesbian, :-) which helped me quickly get past that fact.
So, I may not be perfect...or even 100% fixed. I am better because of Doc and will owe my life to her, whether she knows it or not! She may consider me a patient, but to me she is a friend. So for anyone doubting the value of the "Shrink,"...get off your ass and go see one...NOW!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)