Anyway, the reason this post is about some of the things I have learned and how I am trying to push forward, be better, AND figure out who the hell I am anymore. Not all of the lesson's I have learned have been based upon some strict protocol. Nor have they all been based upon what the Doc or others say.
PLUCK
Probably the funniest thing to me, and actually one of the best, most helpful things is: "Pluck." Funny word, I know and if anyone actually ever read this, they'd probably be laughing so hard right now...NOT. Seriously though, PLUCK has been on the most helpful things I have learned and it was one of those tools that just "appeared" one day, at least to me. Those with PTSD tend to have a lot of what is called "Stuck Points." Additionally, they tend to have multiple patterns of "Problematic Thinking." These two are related.
One of my biggest stuck points is: I deserve(d) it. One of the biggest patterns of problematic thinking that brought me this stuck point is that of: mindreading. See...I have this uncanny ability to know what anyone is thinking about me. I "know" when someone thinks I am an idiot, or annoying, or being a bitch, or being wimpy, girly, stupid, or just plain fucking retarted. I even "know" this when it's not even true. During one session, I think my Doc was so annoyed with this ability that she thought of a way for me to slow down and stop "deciding" I know what she or anyone is thinking: PLUCK.
Still confused? Pluck means to take that negative, self-hating, mind-reading thought and to "pluck" it out of my brain. It means that when I am trying to talk and I think whoever listening is thinking shitty thoughts about me, that I just need to pluck that out of my head, ignoring it in reality, and just move forward. PLUCK...one hell of a therapeutic word.
FOLD
Now, this is a fun one too. And it's one that I made up! Yah for my dumbass self (PLUCK :-) ).FOLD actually stands for:
Feminist
Out of my league
Lesbian
Democrat
...or...someone I would know better than to try to have a crush on or to be attracted to. I mean, who REALLY wants to (other than LL Bean subscribers) be attracted or date or think about a feminist or Democrat...seriously!
In any event, there is a lesson here: if you are a crazy person like me and have the world's hottest Doc (which I guess would mean you live by me)...use FOLD over and over again so that you can focus on what you NEED to focus on. It has worked exceptionally well for me, even though I think for some time that I did have a pretty severe crush (?) for a little while...ok...maybe a medium while. But, I have stuck with "FOLD" and remember I am married, and remember that most, like the Doc, or just too damn good for me (deserve better than me)...hell, my wife deserves better.
I was going to add some other things to this post, but I am actually thinking about trying to get some damn sleep. This week has been long and sleep has been so shitty when I have been able to go to bed...I wonder if trying to sleep is even worth it at all.
I will add this:
Where am I at today/tonight?
I am SOOO tired! Tired of being tired, tired of physical, mental, and emotional pain! Tired of the jackass drivers where I live and the retards that seem to be free to do whatever they want. Tired of the fucking dreams/nightmares. Tired of still feeling like I have a LONG way to go in therapy. Tired of questioning my own beliefs and morals on a daily basis. Tired of wondering if my prozac needs to be increased...or just my Scotch intake (actually, I think it's been six months since I've had any liqour). Tired of thinking about the horrible memories, the dead, the dismembered, the raped, rapists. Tired of NOT knowing who the FUCK I am!!!!!
However, I am happy about a some things too...as happy as I can get anyway. Actually, that's not entirely a true statement. I was, and still am, very excited for Shane (see earlier posts) that he's out of jail. Some financial and career things have gone very well too, so I am kind of happy about that as well...although it is hard to really be happy about anything I do I guess.?????
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