How do you know when your brain vitamins aren't doing the right thing anymore? I have been having such a rough couple of weeks that I wonder if it's a need to get my meds increased, or just a funk from all the shit I've been sitting in with the therapy? Apathy is really, REALLY, king of my actions right now. About the only things I am getting into and almost, a little bit, excited about are those that require a challenge of my skills.
I'm dealing with a temper issue recently too. Not a temper issue as in I want to whoop someone's ass...just little things all day and night are pissing me off...affecting my appetite, my desire to talk with anyone (family, friends, coworkers, etc.), my sleep, and my motivation. I guess it sounds like depression now that I have enumerated these..but it's more anger than depression...I think??? It's not taking much to annoy me, that's for certain. I have found myself mad, and personally hurt, that I haven't gotten some answers to some recent questions that I posed. Not really emergency or even important questions...but questions I want answers to nonetheless. Actually, there kinda stupid questions, at least 2 of the ones I haven't gotten and answer back on: SHOULD I do this blog at all, or is there some risk to me or others that I am overlooking? and, Is it worth my time and effort to try to identify a mantra/phrase to help ground me in other situations where words I already use don't help? Like I said, stupid questions...to everyone but me anyway. :-( The other questions are much more serious but I can't push the issues.
Actually, I can write about this here: There is a possibility that I have another child...from a fling with an ex-girlfriend. Her and I hooked up for two days straight...which is actually hard to believe since she only wanted penetration, no oral or petting or foreplay really. But I digress (LOL)...turns out that she had a kid 9 months later. For a long time she swore he wasn't mine and it wasn't until much later that she said he was. Now the question I have put to two people: What the fuck should I do? The right thing is to take responsibility. However, she is not in favor of a DNA test through courts. Although, she did mention some website where people could do DNA test for a cheap amount. Kid kinda looks like me and I feel bad for him, immensely so, because he is autistic to some level. But then I have to worry about the possible impact on my other kids, and on my wife. She knows about the possibility...has known since day 1. She just won't be happy about it. Especially not now since we have been trying to have another baby.
So, I guess I'm just in an angry, short-fused, place. I don't blame people for ignoring me since I feel like I deserve it. It's the stuckpoints of: I deserve it (bad shit), I am not worth anything, I am weak, I annoy people, I push people away, I ALWAYS make offensive mistakes, and I am a piece of shit. Then there's the mindreading I do (though PLUCK has helped a LOT with that)...They can't stand me, They don't think I'm funny, They are looking for a reason to run/leave conversation/stop talking to me/stop helping me/fire me/etc.
The good news is that I have learned some good tools via CPT...and some via PE. I am not so afraid today of my future or of my interactions. But I do NEED to work on the mindreading and stuckpoints even more! I guess I need to work on staying on topic too. LOL. Funny to me because I was just told yesterday by someone that they weren't "putting up with you [me] deflectors"...which I guess is something I do well through tangents and smartass comments. In any event, I do, especially now looking back at what I have written, think I need to discuss my meds again.
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