Remembering Myself and good things...and bad things too!

Today was a decent...maybe even really good session. I was feeling ok prior to going but the Doc was a little mean today. I think she said she wasn't put up with any of us "deflectors" today and reminded me of a guy I know who does the same thing I do: run my smartass mouth to avoid things in the moment, pressure, fear, etc

The Doc was dissapointed in the Challenging worksheets I did over the last few days. I was at first kind of mad in her judgement that I didn't do anything. However, we worked through one together and it was actually a pretty awesome thing. Somewhere in the tough questions and rough answers, the Doc articulated what I was starting to realize: I NEVER thank/remember/appreciate myself! I have completely discounted the fact that I have done some pretty tough, and deep therapy over the last 18 months. It was this realization that also provided an epiphany regarding one of my stuck points: I am afraid of other things I might recall and that a memory may come back and just completely brake me mentally...permenantly. However, the fact that I have been able to work some pretty fucked memories already, that I am still alive, and that I am not completely broken....I feel really good about handling any other future memories that may surface.

I felt really, really good about that and my attitude improved internally immediately!!!

However, I got to thinking, and rambling (actually feel bad for the Doc for having to listen to me). I started thinking about a particularly horrible time and got to thinking about why my parents never knew what was going on...ever. Especially during the later times. I had realized that I was just pissed about that, at my mom the most, that she never knew or protected me. My dad was never there anyway, but my mom was. I can't be too mad at her becuase, as the Doc walked me through, my mom had her own issues and fears and trauma to work through.

So kind of a mixed blessing today with the session. The epiphany was extremely nice...helpful...and took a shitload of anxiety away. The memory rambling was really shitty...I had to hold my back my tears, although I probably should have let them go. Not sure why I didn't becuase Lord knows I fucking need to!