Sometimes I do stupid shit for no good reason!!!

I find that I am constantly in some fucked up state of mind all the time, or at least most of the time. Today...no exception. The bad memory and the self-judgement and the self-hatred...all of it kind of fucked me up for the whole day. And some of it was kind of ironic, or at least coincidental, timing.

So today I forgot that I had a mid-term...a MID-TERM...who the fuck forgets that!!! Talk about being pissed off at myself...I about wanted to smash shit when I heard. Not because I was or wasn't ready, but because I had forgotten something so important.

Then I get an email response (and here's the coincidence as I had just written about this yesterday) regarding some of my pressing questions about keeping this blog and finding maybe a mantra stronger than Pluck or Fold to help me in more diverse times of being amped up or getting lost in my head. Seems I did it AGAIN and wasted someone's time with ridiculous shit that really has no importance to anyone but me. Which is where I started to do the usual....mind-reading, all or nothing thinking, exaggerating....same shit. Figured I MUST of have once again annoyed this person immensely, that they must be really fucking sick of me, and that I am just being a whiner. Mindreading at its best I think. ummmm.....Pluck! At least this person responded, even as overwhelmingly busy as they are (which means I shouldn't bother them with anything either...don't want to burden anyone).

Then there was just the general banter at work...which is usually hilarious and never malicious...except today I was convinced it was malicious. Had to Forcibly remind myself that no one was out to get me and that no was really thinking anything shitty of me. ummm.....Pluck! ...again!!!

Then, of all damn things, I was in a flashback tonight of getting shot at back on that fucking convoy escort duty. I didn't want to be around anyone after that...really, REALLY, had to spend some time breathing and trying to calm down...but then it was time to take the wife and the kids to church...and the Doc wonders why sometimes I still want to run away from everything. Running away wouldn't solve anything...but it would definitely let me live with my own mistakes without hurting anyone else again....but that's a whole different post I guess. Speaking of different posts, one of the things I am debating on doing is writing more about my trauma itself, and about the flashbacks and the dreams, as well as "copying" to here some of the past homework I have had to do for the therapy. Maybe an OK idea?

So the thing to do tonight??? Watch some 70's grindhouse movies while doing homework and try my damnedest to NOT think stupid shit about anything. The 70's grindhouse sexploitation stuff is pretty awesome...even if the women need to find a razor. I am SOOO hoping tonight that between that and C++, I can get my mind empty of the terrible shit for one night...a few hours...something!