What am I really angry about today???

I tell myself, "self, you need to calm the fuck down!" And I mean it. This week I am on a fool's errand for work. However, there's been this thing...well a bunch to be honest...just bugging me. I say "bugging" and I think that this may be the best possible term.

So what is it that's got me angry today: my PTSD and my Therapy!!! So here's some bullets for me to be able to look at over time...kind of a "baseline"

- Since really digging in, and trying too move too fast maybe, on being raped multiple times as a child, I have really struggled with even the simplest tasks. Why???
    - So many things remind me of those different times, or of Iraq, or of both!
    - New memories come back frequently. Most anymore are small in impact. Some are HUGE! :-(
    - I have 2 people that I can talk to who can ALSO provide some form of support more than typical friends.
        - The wife....since I have been more open with her she has been really great 90% of the time
        - The Doc. Until recently it has felt like since day 1 that she was their to honestly help me through all of this shit. Here is where part of my recent anger and sadness stems from.
        - Last time I tried talking with a friend who "admitted" that he had similar problems as a child, that backfired fucking miserably. This basically set my mood and general well-being to "SHITTY". The subsequent air travel and driving really didn't fucking help. I think yesterday I was maybe two steps away from a figurative ledge and I don't want to be there.

I think I need to re-establish the communication pipe with the Doc, and soon. I could have been taking her email WAY out of context, but the overall impression was that the email was COLD, even if it was longer than her normal replies, and she really seemed to miss the point of why I emailed her what I did in the first place. Since she's one of the smartest people I know so there is some doubt that she completely missed the point in the email. Hence, since the point of the email was ignored in her response, and her response was focused on more on the things I need to do to ease her workload, I really walked away from reading it being pissed off at myself for being a nuisance yet AGAIN! Not sure how a conversation about this should/must go. Maybe I don't even need to have it....I could be wrong in my understanding of her responses and intent.

What are the things that are really pissing me off right now???:
- That I am again just a nuisance to the Doc. Not doing the whole specific discussion on how I KNOW she's the Doc, and VERY busy, and how I KNOW that just because I consider her a friend, doesn't mean that she thinks the same
- I am mad, I think, that she focused on the fact I emailed...nothing about what I emailed.
- That I have failed to remember the mindfulness stuff and have now been stuck in a downward spiralling cycle of blame for the childhood rape traumas I had to endure.
- I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO I AM!!!
- That the Doc doesn't seem to realize (again, based solely on my interpretation of her response this mornning) that I am just really fucked up now BECAUSE of where I am in the current therapy.
- That I think people have/do/mght think...Doc and the wife, at least, that I would put anything above my therapy in terms of priorities or wants. I MUST find a path forward that is going to ALLOW me to live!!! I might have the highest possible opinions of the Wife, the Doc, and of others who have/do tried to help. However, this does NOT mean that my opinions are more important to me than trying to get better...that is my focus.

I think the bottom line of my anger is that I FEEL OK with being all over the place and with definitely needing a LOT more reassurance right now....but I worry that the Doc has now either gotten too busy to be able to effectivly help, or that she no longer wants to help. I have a lot more pressing concerns than my therapy...but with all the other shit in my head right now...my therapy and its current future is a huge worry of mine right now. I CANNOT, and probably WILL NOT, move to a different Doc. It's the one I have or nothing....possibly regardless of the consequences to myself.

Journaling, Blogging, and Anonymity

So...I started journaling months ago at the Doc's request (order?). I like it, to be completely honest. It has allowed me to just let things flow in a why...to be able to write what I want. Actually what happens most of the time is that I get in the almost fugue state and "just write." I never seem to recall what I have written, and I have almost never gone back over it...much like this blog. There is a difference between the journal and blog though. The Doc would read the journal entries out loud and provide feedback or positive criticism whereas, with the exception of one person, I don't think anyone has ever read this blog.

Pros and Cons of the journal and the blog:
Pros for Journal: feedback, a little slower writing than typing (a little more control over what I write).
Pros for Blog: anonymity, and no one reads this.
Cons for Journal: physical record of what I have written and easily more traceable to me than my blog, sometimes the fact that I write some borderline shit and forget so there have been some embarrasing times with the Doc reading things.
Cons for Blog: No feedback since no one reads it. It's on the web.

So here's my thinking: If I don't journal, then the Doc doesn't read it: no feedback, but no worries. If I do journal, do I mirror the journal in the blog, just save the blog for some of the more personal or fearful entries. Also, I am conflicted about the blog and the "safety" of some of the information (and it's attribution) on here. Maybe blogging my PTSD shit is a bad idea? Dangerous? Then there's the fact that I really do appreciate the honest feedback from the Doc, so although I am glad that no one reads this, sometimes I actually regret that no one reads it or posts any comments, even anonymously. I will say that I got the impression in a discussion the other day that someone I know does actually read this, they just don't admit it...strange impression and probably just me being a fucking mindreader again!

So do I continue to blog or go back to journal, or some combination thereof??? That is one of the questions plaguing me tonight.

I will say I am going to bed in just a few minutes....getting to bed before midnight for the first time in 3-4 weeks(?) is a must. The fatigue is REALLY wearing on me and I am just plain fucking tired!