Part of a trauma statement

As part of CPT, I had to go back in my pain and remember as I wrote. I had to write my trauma statement. I actually have written 2 and a half. One for the first Iraq trauma I covered in therapy, one for the second Iraq trauma we discussed, and part of a third one for the PE work I started with the childhood sexual abuse.

I thought a lot the last couple of weeks about the first trauma. A lot of that thought wasn't intentional; a lot of nightmare issues and some flashbacks coupled with some of the old guilt TRYING to come back. So, I thought about this and, without seeking any advice from the Doc or anyone else, I thought it might be good to go back over my trauma statement...kinda.

I think I want to write it out again in all it's details of sound and heat and emotions and sights and etc. However, what I don't think I am ready to do is put anything here that might indicate the specific event or who I am. I don't know if this is guilt or fear, but I think if I put anything here that is specifically searchable, especially names, then people might find this blog again. I guess I really don't care if anyone reads it but I worry a little bit about having a repeat of the bullshit with the past blog (facebook hacked, blog broadcasted, email hacked, all by an asshole who used to be a friend, and who probably are the reason that some aren't speaking to me anymore...but this is a WHOLE different topic that REALLY pisses me the fuck off!!!).

Anyway...here goes:
Something shitty happened and I feel like it was my fault.
All done.
Nope...that's not going to be good enough. I know that. However, I am very tired tonight so I think I just want to scratch this in...
I had to go take care of somethings. While at the building I ran into one Soldier first. He was pretty cool and we talked for a bit after I overheard his conversation with someone else and stopped him. He was talking about pictures from the war, which I had a disgusting fucking habit of collecting from my own camera as well as from other's. In any event, I stopped him and we talked for a few minutes. After these few minutes of chatting, before he went into the building, another Soldier came up and joined our conversation. Shortly after this interruption, the first guy excused himself and left the other Soldier and I to talk.

We talked for a few more minutes. I liked this guy as he seemed really fucking cool. I even invited him to our weekly poker game. He seemed interested, we wrapped up our conversation, and I headed across the street to take care of the next chore on my list.

When I got accross the street, I hung outside the door and smoked. After smoking for a few minutes ALL hell broke loose.

I have to stop here. I don't want to write this anymore and I am very tired. Hopefully the fact that I don't have to wake up so early tomorrow and that I am sooooo fucking tired, this will mean no bad dreams or nightmares.

I'll do plan to update this soon. Tomorrow (later today) I need to write up a short list for my session with the Doc. Kinda excited about this appointment, like I have a mission to tackle regarding my therapy and unless the Doc is too busy, mad at me for something, or just fucking tired of me, I think it will be a great session!