I have no friggin clue!!! Very tired but not so much from lack of sleep...I got amost 7 hours last night. 7 hours of drug induced sleep; thank God for Lorazepam. But for some reason I just feel like I normally do....fucking exhausted!
So today, while sitting forever in the ER and getting torqued over nothing but everthing, I finished the book Victims No Longer. I am glad I finished it...feels like I acomplished something but not sure if it's enough. Really I am not sure of much of anything anything any more...I am struggling with a LOT of the older stuckpoints. I find that recently I am REALLY struggling with guilt, blame, shame, misery, fear, and mindreading. So maybe to work against those:
- I didn't make those rockets/mortars come in and kill those guys
- I didn't know who the kid was before I chose not to shoot him
- I didn't ask those fuckers to abuse me....any of the group of three
- I should be thankful for the things I have
- I have no one to fear anymore...maybe
- My wife and my Doc, the only two I talk to about the CSA stuff, I HAVE to believe that they care and WANT to help.
I have been thinking a LOT about death these days, about being dead...but not about dying itself. I don't want to be dead and I don't want to kill myself. But....I am finding myself thinking a lot about just being dead...would that be any good? I wonder all the time if anyone would miss me or shed a tear (other than hopefully the wife and kids). Who knows and more importantly...who am I???
My oldest lied about, even after getting caught red-handed, eating ice-cream at 5:30 am. She seems to just be full of shit and making nothing but bad choices aimed at her own selfishness and bullshit. This does not help my stress level. Oh, and had to take the wife to the ER tonight...for 4.5 hours! :-(
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