Veteran's Day Parade

Today was the Veteran's Day parade downtown. I really didn't want to go but I thought I should, or had to I thought. I had originally planned to go for a few reasons:
- I thought my friend CC was marching in the parade with an organization that he is part of...but he was hurt
- I thought my oldest had to march with her JROTC group....but she didn't
- My PTSD clinic was marching, the Doc, the Social Worker, etc...they WERE there.

However, I kinda wish I didn't go now. It's had me fucked up all day. This same shit happened last year and for the exact same reasons. The part that makes it worse is that I was "PREPARED" for the exact same shit that messed me up today, because of last year. I don't want to analyze this too much, but I need to vent to someone...so why not vent to myself on my blog.

What bothered me today:
-I was already in a somewhat bad place thanks to recent flashbacks, stress, and lack of sleep.
-The kids were extremely high-maintenance and complaining/whining ALL morning.
-The damned bass drums...more mortar rounds coming.
-The sirens from the fire trucks...not all of them, just that single, LONG tone. takes me instantly back to the fucking alerts at Anaconda.
-Pain..A LOT of FUCKING PAIN. We actually walked from where we parked....about the start of route...to the END of the route.
-Realizing that the Guest Speaker was one of the people I really wish I could  avoid....I was in Iraq with this guy and while I don't KNOW that it was his fault that we didn't get the recognition AND the help we needed while we were going through that shit. He may have not been at fault, but seeing and hearing that guy reminds me of so much shit from Iraq. I got a coin from him when I was over there....too funny.

I want to be there to support veterans in any fashion and I REALLY WANT to be better at being in public and NOT getting triggered. I don't know though anymore! What am I supposed to do about this. I feel better overall....as in I feel like I am getting/have gotten better. But the symptoms are still there from both the Iraq traumas and the childhood shit. So I feel weird about feeling like I am getting better. I think I am worried that I am just not caring about me any more...whether I get better or not...whether I live or not? Not that I want to die or be fucked up...but maybe a type of sad acceptance of who I am??? Yeah I think that might actually be it. It is GOOD to talk shit out to myself sometimes.

There was something good today. There was a local businessman who sponsored some pretty nice lapel pins and I was able to get one for me. I'm not a fan of lapel pins normally, but this one just seemed special. I was also able to grab one for a friend of mine who is very sick and couldn't make it. I gave it to the Doc to give to him.

Anyway, I don't know that I am going to go next year. :-(