It's been forever since I have taken the time to write anything, either on here or in my journal! The is mostly because my Doc had made me realize that when I write, I start going waaaayyyy down the damn rabbit hole!
So the last few months I have been seriously fighting the desire to live in my head and fighting flashbacks and memories and symptoms...generally just fighting an increase in the amount of HELL I have been in. For a good chunk of this time, I had a "light" at the end of the tunnel as I knew that the Doc was going to be around for awhile to work me through some of the shit that is still kicking me ass.
Then a bit ago she told me she was moving to different hospital (and city and state!). So now I have been shrinking back into myself and feel myself doing the things I used to do to make it through the day. About the only thing I am not doing is getting drunk every fucking day. I am afraid of reverting and I am afraid of not going forward and I am afraid of how things will work with whoever the new Doc is and I am afraid of THE Doc leaving. I am seriously going to miss her as a person, but more importantly as a rock that I could count on.
Oh well....just goes to show that shit changes and nothing lasts. The Doc was probably the best thing that could have happened to me and I am gonna miss her and her help.
There is about 10 million other things I keep thinking of saying...about a LOT of things....but I am going to keep my fucking mouth shut!!!
Life's a BITCH!!!!!!!
Showing posts with label afraid to sleep. Show all posts
Showing posts with label afraid to sleep. Show all posts
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Physical emotions?
Sometimes I wonder about my memory and wish I had time to learn more about how the human brain, body, and senses. It is peculiar and yet frustrating how senses can trigger memories, and how memories can arise in senses...if I am stating that correctly?
Sometimes, and I don't just mean during a flashback, I can feel, smell, taste, and hear things. And let me just say now that this is far more unpleasant than it is pleasant. But how does it work??? How can I be at my desk doing homework, like tonight, and smell the same smell that permeated my site in Iraq. Or, how can I be talking through a painful childhood experience and actually feel the same physical pain I felt then?
It's 1 am and I have to be up at 530. My house is set to 72 degrees, yet it feels like 172 degrees in my office upstairs (maybe all the computers running??? lol ) and just makes me think of my damn trailer that I was in the last six months in Iraq. It's not a flashback, but a lot of the physical memories keep coming to me...the uncomfortable bed I am sitting on using my laptop, the sound of the window AC working too fucking hard, the find dust on my fingers and keyboard that punctuates every keystroke. It's probably a great time for me to go to bed, yet I feel like talking or sharing or explaining or just doing SOMETHING!!! At least tomorrow (today on the east coast) I will only have to be at work for a little bit and then go to a pretty fun function. Of course, I will be tired as shit, as usual, and that means I have to watch my temper and attitude and mindfulness, lest I get my ass into trouble with any number of people that I actually care about. Those people are all the ones I wish I could talk to right now...not that any one thing is bothering me...just a little...amped???...but not in the "fight or flight" way. More in the "just let me get it off my chest" way, if that makes sense. I could go wake my wife up and annoy the shit outta her...except she's already annoyed that I had to get some homework done TONIGHT, instead of have crazy hot sex with her. Tomorrow I could talk the ear off of any number of people, including at least 2 who I really care about, and who I believe (at least half the time) care about me. But that's tomorrow...not right now.
Right now I just want to talk, so I am typing here at 50 words per minute while my brain is going 5 million words per second. Quite the disconnect I think. What's going through my head: Iraq, the PX, that poor and fatal choice I made on the fence, sex with my wife, sex with old girlfriends, my kids, my illegitamate kids, moving, not moving, Iraq, Anaconda (what a fucking place that was...Mortaritaville we called it), incoming rounds, incoming alerts, tracers over my head, bullets hitting the building, that bitch teacher, the shadowman, the fucking barmaid, the assholes in the middle (I should put the names of the accused, that I can remember, on here..wouldn't that be cathartic!!!!), therapy, progress in therapy, failures in therapy, do I continue therapy?, is the Doc just going through the motions?, if the Doc isn't than does that mean concern and help is genuine and will be there when I need it for a least a little while longer, talking more with my wife, talking more with my children, my childhood, missing Michigan, hating Florida, hating some people, hating myself, loving myself, the sound of the generators at my site on Anaconda (loud fuckers they were!), having webcam sex with my wife(and almost getting caught by female section Sergeant), having crazy sex with my wife, staying up to do homework and MISSING sex with my wife, sleep, not getting sleep, bad fucking dreams, good dreams, crazy and wierd dreams, dreams that don't make sense, dreams that will never come true, dreams that might unfortunately come true, my mother, my father, my job, my houses, my fucking dogs and fish.....
Too much in the head and I just need to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. Going to stop here and get some sleep, or at least try. Guess I can try to check back in within myself on here tomorrow. Which reminds me...I think I have to move this blog or do something to make it more private. Not only HAVE people actually read things on here, someone put a link to it on facebook....WTF is that about?????
Sometimes, and I don't just mean during a flashback, I can feel, smell, taste, and hear things. And let me just say now that this is far more unpleasant than it is pleasant. But how does it work??? How can I be at my desk doing homework, like tonight, and smell the same smell that permeated my site in Iraq. Or, how can I be talking through a painful childhood experience and actually feel the same physical pain I felt then?
It's 1 am and I have to be up at 530. My house is set to 72 degrees, yet it feels like 172 degrees in my office upstairs (maybe all the computers running??? lol ) and just makes me think of my damn trailer that I was in the last six months in Iraq. It's not a flashback, but a lot of the physical memories keep coming to me...the uncomfortable bed I am sitting on using my laptop, the sound of the window AC working too fucking hard, the find dust on my fingers and keyboard that punctuates every keystroke. It's probably a great time for me to go to bed, yet I feel like talking or sharing or explaining or just doing SOMETHING!!! At least tomorrow (today on the east coast) I will only have to be at work for a little bit and then go to a pretty fun function. Of course, I will be tired as shit, as usual, and that means I have to watch my temper and attitude and mindfulness, lest I get my ass into trouble with any number of people that I actually care about. Those people are all the ones I wish I could talk to right now...not that any one thing is bothering me...just a little...amped???...but not in the "fight or flight" way. More in the "just let me get it off my chest" way, if that makes sense. I could go wake my wife up and annoy the shit outta her...except she's already annoyed that I had to get some homework done TONIGHT, instead of have crazy hot sex with her. Tomorrow I could talk the ear off of any number of people, including at least 2 who I really care about, and who I believe (at least half the time) care about me. But that's tomorrow...not right now.
Right now I just want to talk, so I am typing here at 50 words per minute while my brain is going 5 million words per second. Quite the disconnect I think. What's going through my head: Iraq, the PX, that poor and fatal choice I made on the fence, sex with my wife, sex with old girlfriends, my kids, my illegitamate kids, moving, not moving, Iraq, Anaconda (what a fucking place that was...Mortaritaville we called it), incoming rounds, incoming alerts, tracers over my head, bullets hitting the building, that bitch teacher, the shadowman, the fucking barmaid, the assholes in the middle (I should put the names of the accused, that I can remember, on here..wouldn't that be cathartic!!!!), therapy, progress in therapy, failures in therapy, do I continue therapy?, is the Doc just going through the motions?, if the Doc isn't than does that mean concern and help is genuine and will be there when I need it for a least a little while longer, talking more with my wife, talking more with my children, my childhood, missing Michigan, hating Florida, hating some people, hating myself, loving myself, the sound of the generators at my site on Anaconda (loud fuckers they were!), having webcam sex with my wife(and almost getting caught by female section Sergeant), having crazy sex with my wife, staying up to do homework and MISSING sex with my wife, sleep, not getting sleep, bad fucking dreams, good dreams, crazy and wierd dreams, dreams that don't make sense, dreams that will never come true, dreams that might unfortunately come true, my mother, my father, my job, my houses, my fucking dogs and fish.....
Too much in the head and I just need to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. Going to stop here and get some sleep, or at least try. Guess I can try to check back in within myself on here tomorrow. Which reminds me...I think I have to move this blog or do something to make it more private. Not only HAVE people actually read things on here, someone put a link to it on facebook....WTF is that about?????
Monday, June 6, 2011
Challenging Beliefs and NOT wanting to go to bed!!!
Sometimes I think I have a difficult time with trying to figure out if what's going on in my brain is controllable or not. I mean, if I can't control it then I should just accept it and move one...deal with it ike a big boy I guess. But what if it's just a Stuckpoint that is still unresolved/not yet addressed?
It's 2am and I am playing catch-up on too many fucking things right now. I should go to bed since I need to be up in 5 hours. However, I am afraid to sleep tonight, even with a full dose of Lorazepam! Some of the dreams I have been having are catastrophic to my beliefs that I am getting better...yet I do believe still that I am getting better and that the Doc is helping me. It's just that the shit in my head is so horrible to me, and when I sleep and let it take over....it's 100000x's worse.
A recurring dream I have is a bastardizing of real memories/people. There I am, watching the building getting hit my incoming and just KNOWING that people I JUST talked with are now dead. That sucks in a dream, as in real life, no matter what! However, the other part of this shitty reoccuring dream is that there is another person, from the childhood trauma in my life. They are laughing at me and tell me: "That should be you dying over there, not the other guys!" In the dream she uses the names, but I am omitting them here.The Anniversary of this horrible thing for which I blamed myself (still do/starting to again) is coming up in less than two weeks...matter of fact, it's on a day that I would normally attend group. I haven't been going to group becuase of a job change...but I think I need to go that day for sure!!!!!
My therapy schedule has been changed...which I think is a great thing. However, I only had a few days between the last session and the new one. I did the listening part two times, but haven't had time to do ANY writing (although I guess if I can blog, I have time. lol). What I am supposed to work on are a bunch of stuckpoints using the Challenging Beliefs Worksheets or ABC Worksheets. I jotted some stuff down, but really don't have them down. ...Now I am going to have to leave work a little earlier than planned in order to get at least the three that Doc wanted done. However, how do I pick which three?
If someone reading this doesn't know, a stuckpoint is a belief (hard-coded, ground-in) in something, usually negative about yourself or a situation. The worksheets are actually very helpful in AT LEAST realizing that there is a different way to think about things.
So...over the last few weeks, the imaginal sessions got really rough, disgusting, and a lot more detail than I thought I was going to give the Doc (that's a ton of fucking trust right there!!!). However, the roughness of it all...and my fucking stupid ass living in my head...a LOT of shit has come out and I have been really...REALLY...fucked up!!!
1) I recalled that a few years ago, I had a full blown and thought out plan to end my life. It was providence or dumb luck that my wife's schedule didn't work out the way I planned...so I put it off and it never happened.
- How is that I forgot about this? During that time of my life I KNOW, even know, that I hated everything and was fucking miserable!!!!
2) I hate, HATE, myself for the CST shit. Even though I know I didn't cause it, I know I had no control over what they did or made me do...it still sucks becuase I think of myself as someone who wold protect anyone getting hurt and as someone who just wouldn't do a lot of those things.
3) I just don't know WHO I AM. I already wrote about this..so not gonna re-hash it here. It's just really weighing on me. The point I made to the Doc the other day was: what if I figure out who I am and with that realize that I am not the married with kids guy...maybe I'm a truck driving loaner???
So, the Doc and I discussed these things and many others in great detail. From that came my homework:
1) listen to the latest recording everynight (except the night on the day of the therapy session)
2) Work on the stuckpoints using the worksheets I mentioned above.
The stuckpoints the doc worked up for me to focus on:
1) I am broken and will never get better
2) I will become my [parent who was BPD, suicidal]
3) I'm going to pull something else up (like the forgetting about the planned suicide)
4) I deserve to be punished/If anyone deserves to be punished, it's me
5) I should feel different
6) I should be able to control my emotions and thoughts
7) I am losing all sense of me
8) Who am I...who do I want to be
9) I'm NOT who I thought I was. I'm a hypocrite. I thought abot suicide. I didn't protect!
Yeah....those are the ones I gotta work on now. I am sure that I could come up with 20 more...but maybe these 9 are enough for now. What additionally sucks is that 1, 2, and 4 were all stuckpoints that I worked on with the Iraq specific trauma!
Later I am going to add my worksheets for the above. I think I am also going to add copies (scanned pics?) of my original impact and trauma statements (with names redacted worse than the federal government intel. The thought is that: 1) maybe one day someone might actually read this shit and it might help them, and 2) it would allow me to get rid of the hard copies that I carry EVERYDAY/EVERYWHERE.
OK...I think I am going to go face my fear of sleep and go to bed. Had a porno on for the last 30 minutes...maybe that will help my dreams be at least FUN?????
It's 2am and I am playing catch-up on too many fucking things right now. I should go to bed since I need to be up in 5 hours. However, I am afraid to sleep tonight, even with a full dose of Lorazepam! Some of the dreams I have been having are catastrophic to my beliefs that I am getting better...yet I do believe still that I am getting better and that the Doc is helping me. It's just that the shit in my head is so horrible to me, and when I sleep and let it take over....it's 100000x's worse.
A recurring dream I have is a bastardizing of real memories/people. There I am, watching the building getting hit my incoming and just KNOWING that people I JUST talked with are now dead. That sucks in a dream, as in real life, no matter what! However, the other part of this shitty reoccuring dream is that there is another person, from the childhood trauma in my life. They are laughing at me and tell me: "That should be you dying over there, not the other guys!" In the dream she uses the names, but I am omitting them here.The Anniversary of this horrible thing for which I blamed myself (still do/starting to again) is coming up in less than two weeks...matter of fact, it's on a day that I would normally attend group. I haven't been going to group becuase of a job change...but I think I need to go that day for sure!!!!!
My therapy schedule has been changed...which I think is a great thing. However, I only had a few days between the last session and the new one. I did the listening part two times, but haven't had time to do ANY writing (although I guess if I can blog, I have time. lol). What I am supposed to work on are a bunch of stuckpoints using the Challenging Beliefs Worksheets or ABC Worksheets. I jotted some stuff down, but really don't have them down. ...Now I am going to have to leave work a little earlier than planned in order to get at least the three that Doc wanted done. However, how do I pick which three?
If someone reading this doesn't know, a stuckpoint is a belief (hard-coded, ground-in) in something, usually negative about yourself or a situation. The worksheets are actually very helpful in AT LEAST realizing that there is a different way to think about things.
So...over the last few weeks, the imaginal sessions got really rough, disgusting, and a lot more detail than I thought I was going to give the Doc (that's a ton of fucking trust right there!!!). However, the roughness of it all...and my fucking stupid ass living in my head...a LOT of shit has come out and I have been really...REALLY...fucked up!!!
1) I recalled that a few years ago, I had a full blown and thought out plan to end my life. It was providence or dumb luck that my wife's schedule didn't work out the way I planned...so I put it off and it never happened.
- How is that I forgot about this? During that time of my life I KNOW, even know, that I hated everything and was fucking miserable!!!!
2) I hate, HATE, myself for the CST shit. Even though I know I didn't cause it, I know I had no control over what they did or made me do...it still sucks becuase I think of myself as someone who wold protect anyone getting hurt and as someone who just wouldn't do a lot of those things.
3) I just don't know WHO I AM. I already wrote about this..so not gonna re-hash it here. It's just really weighing on me. The point I made to the Doc the other day was: what if I figure out who I am and with that realize that I am not the married with kids guy...maybe I'm a truck driving loaner???
So, the Doc and I discussed these things and many others in great detail. From that came my homework:
1) listen to the latest recording everynight (except the night on the day of the therapy session)
2) Work on the stuckpoints using the worksheets I mentioned above.
The stuckpoints the doc worked up for me to focus on:
1) I am broken and will never get better
2) I will become my [parent who was BPD, suicidal]
3) I'm going to pull something else up (like the forgetting about the planned suicide)
4) I deserve to be punished/If anyone deserves to be punished, it's me
5) I should feel different
6) I should be able to control my emotions and thoughts
7) I am losing all sense of me
8) Who am I...who do I want to be
9) I'm NOT who I thought I was. I'm a hypocrite. I thought abot suicide. I didn't protect!
Yeah....those are the ones I gotta work on now. I am sure that I could come up with 20 more...but maybe these 9 are enough for now. What additionally sucks is that 1, 2, and 4 were all stuckpoints that I worked on with the Iraq specific trauma!
Later I am going to add my worksheets for the above. I think I am also going to add copies (scanned pics?) of my original impact and trauma statements (with names redacted worse than the federal government intel. The thought is that: 1) maybe one day someone might actually read this shit and it might help them, and 2) it would allow me to get rid of the hard copies that I carry EVERYDAY/EVERYWHERE.
OK...I think I am going to go face my fear of sleep and go to bed. Had a porno on for the last 30 minutes...maybe that will help my dreams be at least FUN?????
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