Just Checking in...not checking out...yet!

It's been forever since I have taken the time to write anything, either on here or in my journal! The is mostly because my Doc had made me realize that when I write, I start going waaaayyyy down the damn rabbit hole!
So the last few months I have been seriously fighting the desire to live in my head and fighting flashbacks and memories and symptoms...generally just fighting an increase in the amount of HELL I have been in. For a good chunk of this time, I had a "light" at the end of the tunnel as I knew that the Doc was going to be around for awhile to work me through some of the shit that is still kicking me ass.

Then a bit ago she told me she was moving to different hospital (and city and state!). So now I have been shrinking back into myself and feel myself doing the things I used to do to make it through the day. About the only thing I am not doing is getting drunk every fucking day. I am afraid of reverting and I am afraid of not going forward and I am afraid of how things will work with whoever the new Doc is and I am afraid of THE Doc leaving. I am seriously going to miss her as a person, but more importantly as a rock that I could count on.

Oh well....just goes to show that shit changes and nothing lasts. The Doc was probably the best thing that could have happened to me and I am gonna miss her and her help.

There is about 10 million other things I keep thinking of saying...about a LOT of things....but I am going to keep my fucking mouth shut!!!


Life's a BITCH!!!!!!!