Group was a croc of shit today!

Today is the fourth day of a long week...so long that its felt like one LONG day. I did do one nice thing for myself: I bought myself a gift from Amazon. I bought the book "Victims No Longer" as a birthday present for myself...kind of anyway. I had asked my Doc earlier in the week if she could recommend any literature or other things to keep me moving forward. It's not that she isn't helping, just that it's going to be a month until my next session with her and I am afraid of getting stuck. The book is for male survivors of childhood sexual assault. Maybe after I get a chunk into I might write more about it on here.

However, the focus of this post is just more on how shitty this week has been. About the only good thing was that the Doc was awesome, a complete smartass, and didn't take any of my shit or self-pity...all things I think I really needed this week. It was strange at first because she was definitely in a mood different from how I have ever seen her. But, like I said, that's probably the only good thing this week! My head has been in hell otherwise.

Most of my mental pain this week has revolved around the childhood shit. Some has been around Iraq...mostly about the damn PX. I haven't been to group in a few weeks and was SO looking forward to today's session. I was especially looking forward to it after the weather this morning. Sitting at my desk the thunder was so loud and so back-to-back that it reminded me of so many bad times in Iraq. Unfortunately, when group started there was no Doc, no social worker, and no recreation therapist (at least not the one I recognized). Nope...just some older lady. She gave us a print out of relaxation mantras, started a 30 minute audio track, and then walked out. After the track was done, everyone complained about the whirring noise (which we later found out came from the damn printer) and then left. So I drove 45 minutes round trip for a 30 minute nap. I wanted to talk today, and to listen. To spend some time with others like me and to lean on them. But that didn't happen. I am certain that some of the guys in the group would have hung out had I asked...but I struggle with being a burden and didn't feel like being one this afternoon.

So I might try to go next week, because after that I have some travelling for work to do and other things that will keep me away from the VA for awhile.

A good (work) but Bad (Anniversary/PTSD) week!/?

his week is an anniversary of probably the biggest trauma I experienced in Iraq. I have been OK with that so far...maybe a little bit of struggling with some of my stuckpoints around guilt, shame, and self-esteem. However, I am staying exceptionally busy and this has helped to not loose my focus too much. Except for one shopping experience on Saturday, and one again yesterday, there haven't been any flashback issues. Just some of those same problematic thought processes trying to kick my butt. However, I think I am pretty good today.


I think I am good enough to quit the full time therapy and I think I am good enough to just move on. But I don't believe these to be true either. I wonder how I feel about these things as the week moves towards the anniversary of that day.

The good this week:
- I got dropped into a pretty cool course for work, and it also includes a certification that I need/want.
The Bad this week:
- The anniversary of that horrible fucking day. For so long I held soooo tight to the believe that the deaths of two great Americans were my fault. I distracted them and I slowed them down, and they ended up dying. I know now, through lots and LOTS of CPT assignments and talks with the Doc that it wasn't my fault and that I didn't do any of the killing. It was a matter of coincidence coupled with poor timing on my part and my bad luck punishing others.:-( just the problem thoughts and fighting a see-saw of apathy and cockiness (which still is funny to me since I feel like I am lower than worm dirt).
Got an appointment today, but I really don't want to go. I've been fighting the feeling for a week or so that I am just pissing everyone off. This includes the Doc as well although I don't know what I would have done...so I guess I am mind-reading and being pessimistic, but I do assume some sort of ass-chewing today. :-( But I also assume that my wfie wants a divorce, that my kids hate me, that my coworkers all think I am stupid, and that my friends think I am either an asshole or a piece of shit. I think the bigger reason I don't want to go is the bigger reason why I should: I just don't feel like talking to anyone at ALL (including the wife, kids, and friends). I'd just prefer to be alone!!!

Despite the above, and being in a funk, I do seem like I am in a good mood. Of course, I am going on about 15 hours of sleep since last Thursday...so maybe that's what it is.