A few years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. PTSD that stems from really shitty combat experiences as well as some really shitty childhood sexual trauma. In addition to that, I have nerve damage, high cholesterol, migraines, and just a too much other shit. So...I take a LOT of medication. Medication for depression, pain, nerve regeneration, and cluster migraines.
Now, after years of taking all this shit...and I should mention that the VA still isn't rating me on the actual thing that got me out of the Army to begin with. Anyway, after a few years of all of this...it feels like things are getting actually worse. The therapy has been rough recently...very rough...and now I have concerns that there is something else wrong with me physically. Not going to get into on here...otherwise I wouldn't get any fucking sleep tonight.
Anyway, I have group tomorrow. I haven't been in a while..about a month or so. I am looking forward to going, but kind of apprehensive. The format has changed and tomorrow is only for those vets from the original group who have also gone through either CPT or PE, or both. So I am not certain how many of the original group is going to be there. Other than that, I have some other concerns as well but don't think I am going to put them on here right now. They kind of revolve around other things that I have put on here...but now some other questions and concerns need to be worked out. :-(
Showing posts with label Trauma Group. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Trauma Group. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Group was a croc of shit today!
Today is the fourth day of a long week...so long that its felt like one LONG day. I did do one nice thing for myself: I bought myself a gift from Amazon. I bought the book "Victims No Longer" as a birthday present for myself...kind of anyway. I had asked my Doc earlier in the week if she could recommend any literature or other things to keep me moving forward. It's not that she isn't helping, just that it's going to be a month until my next session with her and I am afraid of getting stuck. The book is for male survivors of childhood sexual assault. Maybe after I get a chunk into I might write more about it on here.
However, the focus of this post is just more on how shitty this week has been. About the only good thing was that the Doc was awesome, a complete smartass, and didn't take any of my shit or self-pity...all things I think I really needed this week. It was strange at first because she was definitely in a mood different from how I have ever seen her. But, like I said, that's probably the only good thing this week! My head has been in hell otherwise.
Most of my mental pain this week has revolved around the childhood shit. Some has been around Iraq...mostly about the damn PX. I haven't been to group in a few weeks and was SO looking forward to today's session. I was especially looking forward to it after the weather this morning. Sitting at my desk the thunder was so loud and so back-to-back that it reminded me of so many bad times in Iraq. Unfortunately, when group started there was no Doc, no social worker, and no recreation therapist (at least not the one I recognized). Nope...just some older lady. She gave us a print out of relaxation mantras, started a 30 minute audio track, and then walked out. After the track was done, everyone complained about the whirring noise (which we later found out came from the damn printer) and then left. So I drove 45 minutes round trip for a 30 minute nap. I wanted to talk today, and to listen. To spend some time with others like me and to lean on them. But that didn't happen. I am certain that some of the guys in the group would have hung out had I asked...but I struggle with being a burden and didn't feel like being one this afternoon.
So I might try to go next week, because after that I have some travelling for work to do and other things that will keep me away from the VA for awhile.
However, the focus of this post is just more on how shitty this week has been. About the only good thing was that the Doc was awesome, a complete smartass, and didn't take any of my shit or self-pity...all things I think I really needed this week. It was strange at first because she was definitely in a mood different from how I have ever seen her. But, like I said, that's probably the only good thing this week! My head has been in hell otherwise.
Most of my mental pain this week has revolved around the childhood shit. Some has been around Iraq...mostly about the damn PX. I haven't been to group in a few weeks and was SO looking forward to today's session. I was especially looking forward to it after the weather this morning. Sitting at my desk the thunder was so loud and so back-to-back that it reminded me of so many bad times in Iraq. Unfortunately, when group started there was no Doc, no social worker, and no recreation therapist (at least not the one I recognized). Nope...just some older lady. She gave us a print out of relaxation mantras, started a 30 minute audio track, and then walked out. After the track was done, everyone complained about the whirring noise (which we later found out came from the damn printer) and then left. So I drove 45 minutes round trip for a 30 minute nap. I wanted to talk today, and to listen. To spend some time with others like me and to lean on them. But that didn't happen. I am certain that some of the guys in the group would have hung out had I asked...but I struggle with being a burden and didn't feel like being one this afternoon.
So I might try to go next week, because after that I have some travelling for work to do and other things that will keep me away from the VA for awhile.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Sometimes Group REALLY does make you THINK!
Email after a group session. :-)
From: Me
To: The Doc
Sent: Wednesday, February 9, 2011 9:56:07 AM
Subject: Thoughts on yesterday
Sent: Wednesday, February 9, 2011 9:56:07 AM
Subject: Thoughts on yesterday
Doc,
Just FYI because it's bugging the crap outta me. I thought about your letter idea...which I think is good and I'll do that from now on...but then I realized if I didn't tell you this before the next appointment, it could make my life more painful. I feel like a I got some "off my chest" yesterday...but I feel a weird kind of scared too, which is hard to admit. It's not a trust issue, the opposite in fact. Yesterday for some reason I was really scared you were going to go too deep into the original not pulling the trigger incident in Iraq that screwed me up that day in group, which was weird because we worked through (I think, thought?) the original incident. THEN, I got really SCARED that you were going to ask questions that I really didn't (don't ever?) want to answer about the other stuff. The realization is: if you ask, I am (eventually) going to answer you. That in itself is frightening. But it's not just the answers that worry me (or their analysis/reaction?), but the worry of "saying too much"...like too many details. Then I think maybe I'll start remembering even worse stuff or that once I start talking I won't shut up or that this whole process is going to be the final thing that breaks me emotionally. Not sure if any of this makes sense cuz not a lot is right now so I'll quit rambling.
Sorry to bug you. You Rock, Doc!
Just FYI because it's bugging the crap outta me. I thought about your letter idea...which I think is good and I'll do that from now on...but then I realized if I didn't tell you this before the next appointment, it could make my life more painful. I feel like a I got some "off my chest" yesterday...but I feel a weird kind of scared too, which is hard to admit. It's not a trust issue, the opposite in fact. Yesterday for some reason I was really scared you were going to go too deep into the original not pulling the trigger incident in Iraq that screwed me up that day in group, which was weird because we worked through (I think, thought?) the original incident. THEN, I got really SCARED that you were going to ask questions that I really didn't (don't ever?) want to answer about the other stuff. The realization is: if you ask, I am (eventually) going to answer you. That in itself is frightening. But it's not just the answers that worry me (or their analysis/reaction?), but the worry of "saying too much"...like too many details. Then I think maybe I'll start remembering even worse stuff or that once I start talking I won't shut up or that this whole process is going to be the final thing that breaks me emotionally. Not sure if any of this makes sense cuz not a lot is right now so I'll quit rambling.
Sorry to bug you. You Rock, Doc!
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