Good times today...no homocide, suicide, fratricide, or pesticide! :-)

Today was pretty good. It was really good I would say actually, with the exception of being very tired, hurting my back pretty back, and fighting the urge to "go back" to Iraq, as well as my childhood  :-(  in my mind. Anyway, I figured instead of falling asleep, I would write this while I waited to get ready to go learn how to work the sound system at the church.

A group I am a member of had a function today at a state park. Most everyone was there, which was really cool. The Doc and the rec therapist both seemed strange, seeing Shane was pretty awesome, as was his guitar and songs, and seeing everyone else was great! It was great to have someone other than the Doc and Vietnam vets to talk with. Don't get me wrong, I have NOTHING but respect for ALL vets, but talking with someone from your own generation and from the same was as you...that's a little bit easier for me to open up anyway. Plus, although we have different stories, I think Shane and I have a lot of the same charactor traits which caused us to beat the shit out of ourselves over a lot of things!

I will say that I was nervous about possible incidents with one person due to what has appeard to be a split in the group as to some information and beliefs. Also, there is a guy in group that as soon as he raises his hands and voice in anger, it just takes me back to a horrible place. So I was a little apprehensive when I first saw him there, but got over it pretty quickly. Of course we kind of inadvertently stayed away from the main group due to letting the kids go swimming, so that worked out OK in that regard.

One thing I talked about with Shane and that has been on my mind as of late is Suicide. No...I do not wish to commit suicide. However, we did talk about the memories being buried so well and then haunting you later which did happen to me regarding suicide a few years ago now. The thing that I know scares the shit out of me is: If I had the thought and the plan once, it is possible for me to get in a such a bad state mentally and that I could have the same kind of thoughts and plans. That wieghs pretty heavy on me right now!

I don't believe in suicide. I have been saying that for years. Doug trying when I was in middle school followed by others succeeding, as well as my mother's own many many attempts. It used to be, until I rememberd my own plan, that I would just talk very hateful and insulting about those who tried it, whether they succeeded or not. How humbling it was to recall that I had a plan of involving a lot a of prescription narcotics and alcohol. Nothing like an OD to fix problems right? WRONG. That night I remembered being pissed that my wife wasn't going to make it back from where she was...and I was not going to do anything with my kids there without her being home. What if they needed something or got hurt, even if it was after bedtime when I was planning on doing this. Thank God that my wife didn't make it home that night, or I wouldn't be here today. And now, knowing that I, the guy who was a complete ASSHOLE to anyone about suicide, had a plan to do it myself..that is humbling and scary.

I think now too that maybe I had been suicidal for a long time and was just in denial or calling it by different names. That's why I think I owe my wife, my few friends, and the Doc (who I think of as one of my best friends...but VA ethics and all...stupid! ). I owe my life to those who put up with me, who wouldn't take my shit, but who have also shown patience. I don't recall having had a plan to kill myself after that night. However, I do recall MANY times before the last 12 months or so that I just really wanted to be dead. The thoughts like: if a semi would just crash into me, or, if these hairclippers cut my neck on accident....stupid shit like that...passive suicidal thoughts maybe??? Not sure, but they still scared me. And the fact that I ever got to that piont makes me extra worried, but a worry based on vigilance or early-warning watch, that I could go back there easily.

It is just funny to me how my thought processes have ALL gotten jacked up since the summer I left the Army. If it wasn't for the therapy and the Doc putting up with my shit, I know for a fact that one or more of the following would be true: I'd be dead, I'd be divorced, I wouldn't have my kids with me, I'd be flipping burgers in some town up north instead of doing what I am good at, or I'd have moved in with some old ex-girlfriend or hooker just because it would be a relationship with no emotional ties, or I'd have never bought a second house or changed jobs. I guess, my thought process was, and still is somewhat, so jacked up that with PTSD therapy and a Doc that gives a shit (I think so anyway), I would have gotten more and more afraid of everything and I would have just run away or found a way to die without committing suicide.

As for homocide...can't think of any plans there! Fratricide (spelled right even??)..definitely no plans there as I would lay down my life for my brothers and family. However, pesticide got me today to, at least in the form of stepping on a ton of spiders. lol

Trust your Doc and Trust the Process...or don't even bother starting!

So this will probably be the last email set that I throw up on here for a bit. I think this grouping shows that it is REALLY important to be able to have faith AND trust in both your doctor AND the process. If not, you are only going to get yourself in more pain. This doesn't mean someone should stop seeking help...just to make sure you find the right doc and process first. Otherwise, you may permanently end up like I have been feeling recently:
- Stuck between running forward into a glass wall, or running backwards to a cliff. :-(


From: Me
To: The Doc
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2011 5:02:56 PM
Subject: RE: two questions for this week (apr 21, 2011)

Ok…got it…AND we can discuss it in session, or not, I guess.

IF I don't make it clear, I do trust you, otherwise I wouldn't be doing this…would've quite back when the CPT stuff got miserably hard. I get that I need to practice A LOT of different skills. I would like to say: for MOST of my life, I don't recall ever really having any emotions other than anger or adrenaline-rushes…until everything from Iraq and this other stuff started messing me up. So I think that when I'm looking for reassurance from anyone, including you, it really is because I am feeling THAT WORTHLESS (empty???). I think it's even more than reassurance…validation or appreciation or something else? I do only send you something when I REALLY feel like I have to because I honestly and sincerely don't want to be a pain any more than I already am. Trying very hard all day, EVERY day, to NOT focus on future events…something very hard for me…I can only say that I'm honestly just plain scared and ashamed and miserable. Again, it's not a lack of trust or faith in you or the process and I am VERY sorry to have bugged you again…I really do picture you saying something like "oh great, another da*n email from dw."

dw  

From: The Doc
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2011 4:19 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: two questions for this week (apr 21, 2011)

Hat off. Just try to trust me.

And don't worry/ruminate about what hasn't happened yet. That does nothing but increase your anxiety level. You simply do exactly what you are asked to do one day at a time. When you are finished doing what you are asked to do, you do everything you can to let it go and not worry about it until it's time to do the next thing. RE-READ your PE Patient workbook for refresher on why we're doing it, where we're going, what's the point etc. Write down any questions you have and bring them to session for us to address then. If at any point I ask you to do something you aren't ready for, you simply say that. You will not be forced into anything. So try not to worry and just take it one step at a time.

And please save these kinds of questions for session (we can take first 5-10 minutes to address them). They're really not "emergency" type questions. I really want you to practice tolerating distress/uncertainty without frequent reassurance. This is not to "get you off my back" but because it is a skill you need to practice—to help you learn to "self-soothe" as we say. It truly is hugely important. We can talk about this more in session if necessary.

YOU.ARE.DOING.GREAT. Kepp practicing "LETTING GO" during hours when you are NOT supposed to be working on this trauma.

From: Me
Sent: Monday, April 18, 2011 10:27 PM
To: The Doc
Subject: two questions for this week (apr 21, 2011)

Doc,

Scared of this week…you commented on having to do multiple sessions to get through a hotspot. Does that mean I have to redo what I did this last session, or push forward? Quite frankly, the thought of the latter is nerve racking, to put it rather mildly. Maybe you shouldn't tell me…'cause I'm not sure I want to know…but then again, I really want to know.

Is my wearing a hat open for discussion? I think I did a little better…at least more scared/ashamed than the level of anger I felt Friday, and even somewhat tonight. I'm going to do what you say, but I am hoping there's some wiggle room?? Maybe a visual "check-in" point but the hat can stay? I know you have way bigger things to worry about, but I really do need to know what to expect on this one.

I guess either way it's your call on both since you're the doc (and I guess you still rock) and I'm the guy wearing pink tutus like its cool the last few weeks.

dw

Sometimes Group REALLY does make you THINK!

Email after a group session. :-)

From: Me

To: The Doc
Sent: Wednesday, February 9, 2011 9:56:07 AM
Subject: Thoughts on yesterday

Doc,
Just FYI because it's bugging the crap outta me. I thought about your letter idea...which I think is good and I'll do that from now on...but then I realized if I didn't tell you this before the next appointment, it could make my life more painful. I feel like a I got some "off my chest" yesterday...but I feel a weird kind of scared too, which is hard to admit. It's not a trust issue, the opposite in fact. Yesterday for some reason I was really scared you were going to go too deep into the original not pulling the trigger incident in Iraq that screwed me up that day in group, which was weird because we worked through (I think, thought?) the original incident. THEN, I got really SCARED that you were going to ask questions that I really didn't (don't ever?) want to answer about the other stuff. The realization is: if you ask, I am (eventually) going to answer you. That in itself is frightening. But it's not just the answers that worry me (or their analysis/reaction?), but the worry of "saying too much"...like too many details. Then I think maybe I'll start remembering even worse stuff or that once I start talking I won't shut up or that this whole process is going to be the final thing that breaks me emotionally. Not sure if any of this makes sense cuz not a lot is right now so I'll quit rambling.
Sorry to bug you. You Rock, Doc!