Trust your Doc and Trust the Process...or don't even bother starting!

So this will probably be the last email set that I throw up on here for a bit. I think this grouping shows that it is REALLY important to be able to have faith AND trust in both your doctor AND the process. If not, you are only going to get yourself in more pain. This doesn't mean someone should stop seeking help...just to make sure you find the right doc and process first. Otherwise, you may permanently end up like I have been feeling recently:
- Stuck between running forward into a glass wall, or running backwards to a cliff. :-(


From: Me
To: The Doc
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2011 5:02:56 PM
Subject: RE: two questions for this week (apr 21, 2011)

Ok…got it…AND we can discuss it in session, or not, I guess.

IF I don't make it clear, I do trust you, otherwise I wouldn't be doing this…would've quite back when the CPT stuff got miserably hard. I get that I need to practice A LOT of different skills. I would like to say: for MOST of my life, I don't recall ever really having any emotions other than anger or adrenaline-rushes…until everything from Iraq and this other stuff started messing me up. So I think that when I'm looking for reassurance from anyone, including you, it really is because I am feeling THAT WORTHLESS (empty???). I think it's even more than reassurance…validation or appreciation or something else? I do only send you something when I REALLY feel like I have to because I honestly and sincerely don't want to be a pain any more than I already am. Trying very hard all day, EVERY day, to NOT focus on future events…something very hard for me…I can only say that I'm honestly just plain scared and ashamed and miserable. Again, it's not a lack of trust or faith in you or the process and I am VERY sorry to have bugged you again…I really do picture you saying something like "oh great, another da*n email from dw."

dw  

From: The Doc
Sent: Tuesday, April 19, 2011 4:19 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE: two questions for this week (apr 21, 2011)

Hat off. Just try to trust me.

And don't worry/ruminate about what hasn't happened yet. That does nothing but increase your anxiety level. You simply do exactly what you are asked to do one day at a time. When you are finished doing what you are asked to do, you do everything you can to let it go and not worry about it until it's time to do the next thing. RE-READ your PE Patient workbook for refresher on why we're doing it, where we're going, what's the point etc. Write down any questions you have and bring them to session for us to address then. If at any point I ask you to do something you aren't ready for, you simply say that. You will not be forced into anything. So try not to worry and just take it one step at a time.

And please save these kinds of questions for session (we can take first 5-10 minutes to address them). They're really not "emergency" type questions. I really want you to practice tolerating distress/uncertainty without frequent reassurance. This is not to "get you off my back" but because it is a skill you need to practice—to help you learn to "self-soothe" as we say. It truly is hugely important. We can talk about this more in session if necessary.

YOU.ARE.DOING.GREAT. Kepp practicing "LETTING GO" during hours when you are NOT supposed to be working on this trauma.

From: Me
Sent: Monday, April 18, 2011 10:27 PM
To: The Doc
Subject: two questions for this week (apr 21, 2011)

Doc,

Scared of this week…you commented on having to do multiple sessions to get through a hotspot. Does that mean I have to redo what I did this last session, or push forward? Quite frankly, the thought of the latter is nerve racking, to put it rather mildly. Maybe you shouldn't tell me…'cause I'm not sure I want to know…but then again, I really want to know.

Is my wearing a hat open for discussion? I think I did a little better…at least more scared/ashamed than the level of anger I felt Friday, and even somewhat tonight. I'm going to do what you say, but I am hoping there's some wiggle room?? Maybe a visual "check-in" point but the hat can stay? I know you have way bigger things to worry about, but I really do need to know what to expect on this one.

I guess either way it's your call on both since you're the doc (and I guess you still rock) and I'm the guy wearing pink tutus like its cool the last few weeks.

dw