At different times in my life, I have been told that I have an "addictive" personality. This was explained to me by mother many years ago as: a person who is easily addicted to different things, whether it be alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sex, movies, or even Reese's Peanut Butter Cups :-)
The realization hit me a few weeks ago, and I haven't told anyone yet, that maybe that's true to some extent. What I mean tho is that I can take or leave anything (except maybe Copenhagen). While I used to get shitty-trashed EVERY weekend until about six mos ago, I just tired of it. The numb feeling in the middle was PERFECT, but everything else was not. The same can be said of the perscription drugs I take for nerve damage/pain. I would take a "few" extra at each dosage time in order to ensure that the "Numbness" comes. But then I tired of that, and didn't want to risk any more issues to my health...namely my liver.
So, the unexplained bottom line is that I am just chasing a permanent numbness that I know I will never have. I want to not feel any more of the pain from the Death's and decisions in Iraq, as well as the pain and shame from the CST. With this emotional pain comes, a lot of the times, a physical sensation to match the pain and memory. Whether it's feeling like I was just slammed into the ground (from a mortar that JUST missed me), or the feeling of something cold, wet, and hard entering parts of me that should never have been touched. I can smell and taste and "feel" the body parts, the Iraqi dust, the smell of an explosion, etc. These, along with the guilt, shame, and pain, are the feelings that I want to be numb from. I am hoping that as I push through the PE therapy, that I will begin to experience that numbness without the need for additional chemical/physical assistance.
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