Getting past the misery: 4 things to try

Today I was reminded that I had, in fact, done a lot of work through CPT and PE over the last 18 months. I kind of feel like the Doc is ready to move into a "maintenance" phase...although I don't know if I am ready for that. Some days I really am just ready to do the once-in-a-while check-in appointments and other days I wish I had 5 appointments a week. Those long and miserable days are the worst.

But I also realized that one of the things I have done over the last 18 months is maybe, just maybe, learned how to better handle those situtations when I am just feeling shitty. Shitty being: depressed, pissed off, violent, scared...just plain misery from one thing or another. I have found that the easiest things are the ones that help the most:

1) Remember who I am, or at least want to be!
2) Remember to breath. If it's bad, breath slow, really slow, using diaphramatic breathing to center myself. I should say that when I do this as a Mindfullness exercise, I almost always have to fight the "self-hypnotizing" that seems to occur as I calm down...re-center!
3) PLUCK...especially if I am in my head about what others are thinking in a tough situation! Simple word, simple philosphy, and came from a simple discussion!!! If you don't know PLUCK, scroll to an older post on here and check it out!
4) Take a walk, move around, do something physical....get the FUCK off your ass and change your environment...even if it's only from your desk to the hallway!!!! I know that if I don't move around....I can get caught really bad in a flashback or memory. Hell, I have even had to pull over my truck and get out of it!
5) Seek some help if you haven't already! I should include the phone number here...think I will go find it really quick.

Crisis Hotline -- Call 911 if life or death, otherwise, this number is a great starting place:
1-800-273-8255

VA PTSD Startpage
http://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/

My favorite qoute tonight:

“They’re one in the same, I must isolate you…Isolate and save you from yourself….” --A Perfect Circle

What I have versus what I want?

WARNING  Somewhat disgusting sexually graphic!!!  WARNING
So I have issues with combat related shit as well as sex. I have been shot at, mortared, rocketed, raped, forced upon others, and just generally taught many things that a person should never, NEVER, fucking learn as a child, and some even as an adult.

I get amped up at certain noises, certain images, certain places, certain crowds, ...just life I guess. The CPT helped me to really come out of my shell with people...at least in my mind. I have been able to say some things that NEEDED to be said to some of the people I love (if I really know what it means to love???). However, I am NOT able to say things to others that I love or care about, especially close friends.
Then there is the fact that I have a hard...difficult...time being honest with myself. From one minute to the next I am constantly having to put myself in check. My Doc says that I show signs of "Borderline-Personality-Disorder," ...although I am "not my mother!

However, there are thoughts, and maybe some actions, that I have that I later wonder: "Who the fuck was that???" I know I have already written a little about this, but it weighs so damn heavy on my mind that I just can't seem to get past it: apparently lying to myself for 25+ years, losing my identity, questioning every past and current decision, questioning and over-examining every last relationship. Who else but a crazy bastard would do this???

My actual point here, and it goes along with being confused about who I am, is the "what I want" question. There are some definite conflicts in my mind about what is appropriate to want, OK to want, NOT OK to want, and just FUCKING STUPID to want. I think that until I find ME, I am going to continue to be in conflict...to look back on things I said or did and say to myself: "Who the FUCK was that guy???" Until I come to some understanding with my own mind, I am going to continue to have to deal with unwanted desires and thoughts (NO, nothing illegal or hurtful to anyone....except the assholes who have fucked with me).

For instance, I can remember some of the worst digusting physical feelings from my childhood experiences (no one really wants to know those things!!!)...yet I want, and DO think about crazy sex all day. I LOVE Porn and woman...and even get turned on (SERIOUSLY) by certain groupsex ideas. I was forced to clean up "messes" after sex when I was a kid. WTF????? I hate Iraq, and I hate the shit that happened there. Yet, there are days that I would LOVE, give my left nut, beg and plead, to be able to go back. To put that battle-rattle back on and to chamber a round in my M-16 (much better for longer-range targets than the M-4, in my book) and take up watch or clear a house or even escort the trucks that empty the shitters.

So apparently, my fantasies and desires and wants can, and often do, conflict drastically with the traumas in my life. It would be so nice to just be a "normal" person....to be able to just have whatever kind of sex my wife wants and not be such a pervert with her (except for the things she likes)...to NOT dream and think about going back to Iraq...to NOT long for the feel of the heat or the ride in the truck out the wire.
I hope, wonder, and pray that getting through this PE therapy, as well as practicing the Mindfullness and CPT tools will help me to center myself on normalcy and not on freakish things. Otherwise, I should just move to a town like San Fran and take up with the freaks there...see how twisted I am????? Or maybe hop a flight to Baghdad and see what happens there???? NO...I have to BELIEVE that things will get better. The alternative is crappy, at best!!!!!!!

Pushing Up (Away???)

Seems like I have an undeniable knack for pissing people off and pushing them away. I think it is just that the most recent round of therapy, the Prolonged Exposure dealing with the CSTA, has been so damn painful and strong.

After the LONG CPT therapy dealing with the primary and a secondary incident from Iraq, I really started to feel good about myself, for the first time in years. However,  that didn't last that long as the Doc moved me pretty quickly into addressing the CSTA. Her reasoning was sound: the CSTAwas so deep, old, and strong, that it affected everything else, AS WELL AS making me more prone to PTSD with subsequent traumas, such as those in Iraq.

I don't recall what all I wrote in my previous post, so I hope I am not just re-hashing, but there are a ton of things bothering me and the fact that I really don't know, or feel like, the REAL me...is scary. Sometimes it's as if someone else is talking or making the movements.
The other part of that is that I sometimes feel as though my life is fake. That I would be better off on my own because people like me don't have strong families, or happy families. Sometimes I HONESTLY just want to be on my own, or to at least start over. Although I love my wife and kids tremendously, sometimes it's as if I "just know" I will be better if I leave...if I am on my own. It's as if by leaving, I would be erasing 100% of my past...which I know is a bullshit cop-out...but it still feels that way and weighs heavy on my mind A LOT.