Seven Hours Later

I was on a little bit of a wierd tear last night. Overly exhausted and working too hard to block out the bad shit.
Seems like the last few weeks have been a little rougher than what I was getting used to. I have been having a LOT of the bad PTSD symptoms during this time: Bad ANGER, Horrible Nightmares, Bad Flashbacks (including physical), Paranoia everywhere.
I know what's causing it, or at least why it has gotten worse again. I have been working on the PE therapy and having to make recordings of my trauma memories and then listen to them daily (nightly actually). These recordings have been pretty damn horrible to hear every day. My SUDS have peaked pretty high everytime but they have gotten better over time, at least a little.
The recent recordings I have been having to listen to are me reciting memories and emotions regarding the horrible, disgusting experiences from when I was a child. My Doc has pushed pretty hard, although not too hard (actually sometimes I think I want her to push harder just so I get past some things) about me being exact in my recollections and feelings, and emotions. "Feelings" in this case has been her asking about my memories of certain physical feelings AS WELL as the physical feelings that a particular emotion/memory may be causing. I don't always understand some of the questions she asks, nor their importance, but I am sure that they have their purpose.
The recordings have been hard to listen to for multiple reasons, but I do feel that over time I am "getting used" to them, which is the purpose of the whole process. My most recent recording has been the worst of the five I have so far. We have taken brakes between recordings 3 and 4, and between 4 and 5. These brakes have been sooooo fucking needed. Especially since there are a million other things that I have needed to discuss with the Doc. Back to the last recording: this last recording has been the worst thing I think I have ever had to listen to or pay attention to. There have been listening sessions where I have had to turn the damn thing off, or find something to distract myself while "listening." The reason(s) for this is becuase of what is on the recording.
This particular recording was supposed to be me reading off a paper the "worst and primary" memories from my first CST. I was able to read rather quickly through the list, and to be more embarrassed than affected...until the doc asked me to expound on my feelings. This led to me explaining exact things that happened and how I felt. This is of course where a SHITLOAD of guilt and pain came out.
Got to stop here to deal with some other stuff...

Pushing Up (Away???)

Seems like I have an undeniable knack for pissing people off and pushing them away. I think it is just that the most recent round of therapy, the Prolonged Exposure dealing with the CSTA, has been so damn painful and strong.

After the LONG CPT therapy dealing with the primary and a secondary incident from Iraq, I really started to feel good about myself, for the first time in years. However,  that didn't last that long as the Doc moved me pretty quickly into addressing the CSTA. Her reasoning was sound: the CSTAwas so deep, old, and strong, that it affected everything else, AS WELL AS making me more prone to PTSD with subsequent traumas, such as those in Iraq.

I don't recall what all I wrote in my previous post, so I hope I am not just re-hashing, but there are a ton of things bothering me and the fact that I really don't know, or feel like, the REAL me...is scary. Sometimes it's as if someone else is talking or making the movements.
The other part of that is that I sometimes feel as though my life is fake. That I would be better off on my own because people like me don't have strong families, or happy families. Sometimes I HONESTLY just want to be on my own, or to at least start over. Although I love my wife and kids tremendously, sometimes it's as if I "just know" I will be better if I leave...if I am on my own. It's as if by leaving, I would be erasing 100% of my past...which I know is a bullshit cop-out...but it still feels that way and weighs heavy on my mind A LOT.