Getting past the misery: 4 things to try

Today I was reminded that I had, in fact, done a lot of work through CPT and PE over the last 18 months. I kind of feel like the Doc is ready to move into a "maintenance" phase...although I don't know if I am ready for that. Some days I really am just ready to do the once-in-a-while check-in appointments and other days I wish I had 5 appointments a week. Those long and miserable days are the worst.

But I also realized that one of the things I have done over the last 18 months is maybe, just maybe, learned how to better handle those situtations when I am just feeling shitty. Shitty being: depressed, pissed off, violent, scared...just plain misery from one thing or another. I have found that the easiest things are the ones that help the most:

1) Remember who I am, or at least want to be!
2) Remember to breath. If it's bad, breath slow, really slow, using diaphramatic breathing to center myself. I should say that when I do this as a Mindfullness exercise, I almost always have to fight the "self-hypnotizing" that seems to occur as I calm down...re-center!
3) PLUCK...especially if I am in my head about what others are thinking in a tough situation! Simple word, simple philosphy, and came from a simple discussion!!! If you don't know PLUCK, scroll to an older post on here and check it out!
4) Take a walk, move around, do something physical....get the FUCK off your ass and change your environment...even if it's only from your desk to the hallway!!!! I know that if I don't move around....I can get caught really bad in a flashback or memory. Hell, I have even had to pull over my truck and get out of it!
5) Seek some help if you haven't already! I should include the phone number here...think I will go find it really quick.

Crisis Hotline -- Call 911 if life or death, otherwise, this number is a great starting place:
1-800-273-8255

VA PTSD Startpage
http://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/

My favorite qoute tonight:

“They’re one in the same, I must isolate you…Isolate and save you from yourself….” --A Perfect Circle

Seven Hours Later

I was on a little bit of a wierd tear last night. Overly exhausted and working too hard to block out the bad shit.
Seems like the last few weeks have been a little rougher than what I was getting used to. I have been having a LOT of the bad PTSD symptoms during this time: Bad ANGER, Horrible Nightmares, Bad Flashbacks (including physical), Paranoia everywhere.
I know what's causing it, or at least why it has gotten worse again. I have been working on the PE therapy and having to make recordings of my trauma memories and then listen to them daily (nightly actually). These recordings have been pretty damn horrible to hear every day. My SUDS have peaked pretty high everytime but they have gotten better over time, at least a little.
The recent recordings I have been having to listen to are me reciting memories and emotions regarding the horrible, disgusting experiences from when I was a child. My Doc has pushed pretty hard, although not too hard (actually sometimes I think I want her to push harder just so I get past some things) about me being exact in my recollections and feelings, and emotions. "Feelings" in this case has been her asking about my memories of certain physical feelings AS WELL as the physical feelings that a particular emotion/memory may be causing. I don't always understand some of the questions she asks, nor their importance, but I am sure that they have their purpose.
The recordings have been hard to listen to for multiple reasons, but I do feel that over time I am "getting used" to them, which is the purpose of the whole process. My most recent recording has been the worst of the five I have so far. We have taken brakes between recordings 3 and 4, and between 4 and 5. These brakes have been sooooo fucking needed. Especially since there are a million other things that I have needed to discuss with the Doc. Back to the last recording: this last recording has been the worst thing I think I have ever had to listen to or pay attention to. There have been listening sessions where I have had to turn the damn thing off, or find something to distract myself while "listening." The reason(s) for this is becuase of what is on the recording.
This particular recording was supposed to be me reading off a paper the "worst and primary" memories from my first CST. I was able to read rather quickly through the list, and to be more embarrassed than affected...until the doc asked me to expound on my feelings. This led to me explaining exact things that happened and how I felt. This is of course where a SHITLOAD of guilt and pain came out.
Got to stop here to deal with some other stuff...

What I have versus what I want?

WARNING  Somewhat disgusting sexually graphic!!!  WARNING
So I have issues with combat related shit as well as sex. I have been shot at, mortared, rocketed, raped, forced upon others, and just generally taught many things that a person should never, NEVER, fucking learn as a child, and some even as an adult.

I get amped up at certain noises, certain images, certain places, certain crowds, ...just life I guess. The CPT helped me to really come out of my shell with people...at least in my mind. I have been able to say some things that NEEDED to be said to some of the people I love (if I really know what it means to love???). However, I am NOT able to say things to others that I love or care about, especially close friends.
Then there is the fact that I have a hard...difficult...time being honest with myself. From one minute to the next I am constantly having to put myself in check. My Doc says that I show signs of "Borderline-Personality-Disorder," ...although I am "not my mother!

However, there are thoughts, and maybe some actions, that I have that I later wonder: "Who the fuck was that???" I know I have already written a little about this, but it weighs so damn heavy on my mind that I just can't seem to get past it: apparently lying to myself for 25+ years, losing my identity, questioning every past and current decision, questioning and over-examining every last relationship. Who else but a crazy bastard would do this???

My actual point here, and it goes along with being confused about who I am, is the "what I want" question. There are some definite conflicts in my mind about what is appropriate to want, OK to want, NOT OK to want, and just FUCKING STUPID to want. I think that until I find ME, I am going to continue to be in conflict...to look back on things I said or did and say to myself: "Who the FUCK was that guy???" Until I come to some understanding with my own mind, I am going to continue to have to deal with unwanted desires and thoughts (NO, nothing illegal or hurtful to anyone....except the assholes who have fucked with me).

For instance, I can remember some of the worst digusting physical feelings from my childhood experiences (no one really wants to know those things!!!)...yet I want, and DO think about crazy sex all day. I LOVE Porn and woman...and even get turned on (SERIOUSLY) by certain groupsex ideas. I was forced to clean up "messes" after sex when I was a kid. WTF????? I hate Iraq, and I hate the shit that happened there. Yet, there are days that I would LOVE, give my left nut, beg and plead, to be able to go back. To put that battle-rattle back on and to chamber a round in my M-16 (much better for longer-range targets than the M-4, in my book) and take up watch or clear a house or even escort the trucks that empty the shitters.

So apparently, my fantasies and desires and wants can, and often do, conflict drastically with the traumas in my life. It would be so nice to just be a "normal" person....to be able to just have whatever kind of sex my wife wants and not be such a pervert with her (except for the things she likes)...to NOT dream and think about going back to Iraq...to NOT long for the feel of the heat or the ride in the truck out the wire.
I hope, wonder, and pray that getting through this PE therapy, as well as practicing the Mindfullness and CPT tools will help me to center myself on normalcy and not on freakish things. Otherwise, I should just move to a town like San Fran and take up with the freaks there...see how twisted I am????? Or maybe hop a flight to Baghdad and see what happens there???? NO...I have to BELIEVE that things will get better. The alternative is crappy, at best!!!!!!!

Shane is FINALLY HOME!!!!

In my earlier post today I referenced a veteran by the name of Shane. Shane's story is a rough one and it details a decorated combat vet (and HERO) dealing with PTSD as well as the painful life experiences. The short of it is that Shane went through a shitload of crap in Iraq, and came home to a wife that didn't/couldn't provide the support AND patience that he needed. She ended up seeing a "family friend" and it just got bad from there.

It is important to note that while Shane made some mistakes, some even stupid, he was always willing to accept his own culpability. In fact, he accepted more than his own and took the wait of the world on his shoulders. Shane apparently has [a lot of] the same stuckpoints as most of us other crazy war vets: guilt over things done, guilt over things not done, survivors guilt, etc. Shane hit rock bottom and if it wasn't for those who cared about him and wanted to help, as well as some divine intervention, he would either be dead, or railroaded by a local corrupt law enforcement establishment!.

Shane's most recent stories, and the news of his release after almost 60 (SIXTY) days in isolation are here:

Excellent story by Moni Basu from CNN.com. 

War At Home: Part 1 (by Moni Basu, CNN.com)
War At Home: Part 2 (by Moni Basu, CNN.com)
War At Home: Part 3 (by Moni Basu, CNN.com)

Randy Travis of Altanta's Fox 5 News:
News of Shane's release from Jail

Facebook Page Supporting Shane:
Facebook: I SUPPORT SHANE PARHAM

PTSD One-Liners (Jokes!!!)

Some One-Liners for PTSD folks. Some of these are HILARIOUS, at least to me. :-)

I can't recall where I got them from...some PTSD site forum that was actually kind of good and informative.

Thanks,

DW

"I'll follow you if you'll follow me, I don't know why you LIE so clean, I'll BREAK right through the irony" -- BB

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You know you have PTSD when

·         you have more emergency helpline numbers in your phonebook than friends,

·         you consider Born on the Fourth of July a 'feel good movie',

·         you see your psychiatrist, your psychologist and your GP more than you see your family

·         you can remember the name of every soldier in your regiment from 1967, but you can't remember the name of your only grandchild,

·         your best friend is the psych nurse who hasn't dislocated your shoulder,

·         you avoid seeing your friends because you think that they think you're paranoid

·         the last time someone climbed into bed with you, they were promptly sedated and taken back to their own ward.

·         you spent last year's Australia Day firework celebrations trying to recover the rest of your platoon.

·         you wake up at 2am and are thankful that you've finally had a good nights sleep, and

·         you're the only one at your ten year highschool reunion with gray hair and a pension.

·         a dark closet is literally an acceptable place to spend time or sleep.

·         you wake up 4 times in one night, and that's pretty good.

·         you pack your bags to go to the psych hospital more often than you pack to go on vacation

·         going grocery shopping is considered an adventure

·         if you average 15 hours of sleep a WEEK, you think you're doing pretty well

·         your significant other wears their old high school football gear to climb in bed with you, just in case you have another night terror

·         You have total familiarity with the concept that your mind exists separately from your body, and who knows where your emotions have gone, or the other way around.

·         You play with dolls and stuffed animals to recreate the childhood that got corrupted by your past which you cannot let go of, and which continues to corrupt your play.

·         You stop to think and then forget to start again.

·         "Triggers", "Flashbacks", "Survivors", "Perps" and "Therps" have become the predominate words in your vocabulary

·         Your main purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

·         You use self help books as walls and dividers and room partitions. You also use "The Courage To Heal" as a paper weight.

·         Your therapist is on speed dial, but you also know her number by heart

·         Most of your best friends are people from online

·         your idea of going out for coffee is heading through the drive through.

·         shopping trips are more like torture sessions where you plan ahead to try to survive.

·         all freinds and family (which are so few) have a special language used only for you.

·         anyone trying to wake you up does so with a big stick and runs like hell.

·         you consider good human contact as having an object between you and them and they can't get near you.

·         your house is locked down tighter than Fort Knox.

·         anyone trying to wake you up does so with a big stick and runs like hell.

·         it isn't a question of whether or not you have a weapon nearby, it's how many and what kind.

·         When Terminator 2 is your favorite feel good family movie.

·         When you discover a wonderful paper on psyops next to your fourth grade report card.

·         When you can explain why each family member's suicide plan is flawed but don't correct them.

·         When your closest childhood friend was a social worker.

·         When you find diagrams of bullet traps and instructions on how to make napalm written in crayon.

·         When you clearly know more about the flaws of water boarding then the last president.

·         When your grade school book reports are on domestic violence.

·         .you're used to others looking at you confused.

·         your spouse has a bright colored toy in the car, and its not for the dog

·         When you can go through an entire day without ever really being in your body for it.

·         how about when You have the urge to go hang out at Walmart and watch the kids get spankings from irate mothers instead of staying at home with the spouse explaining once again, what's wrong with you.

·         While in WalMart, you find yourself looking for freaks to make you feel "normal."

·         You find yourself at the checkout with a toothbrush, pair of underwear, and a tire pump thinking you were done with your grocery shopping.

·         You wait 20 minutes to look through the card section until everyone is out of the aisle, then you spend 2 hours looking for a card you don't need.

·         You speed through the store trying to find an aisle that is empty of people and end up constantly pushing your buggy around the store empty. I call that buggy dodging. Great exercise though!

·         it's 5am and you decide you better to go to bed before it gets too late

·         you get a disconnection warning for your electricity and you're excited because someone sent you a letter

·         You sit and joke with your friends after you see some weirdo talking to themself as they walk by, then someone walks past you and laughs at the weirdo sitting talking to themself

·         when you end up with attempted murder charges because someone decided to sneak up on you and poke your side!!!!

·         when you thought of a really good reason to know when you have PTSD, and then promptly forgot what it was.

·         when you do your grocery shopping at 3am at the all night store because it's not very busy then and you're not sleeping anyway.

·         when someone mentions they're on antidepressants and you say "oh, really? Which one?" and then tell them all the side effects they should be looking out for.

·         when you have an escape plan for every possible thing that could go wrong, including earthquake and zombie invasion.

·         you go to the store to buy a note pad so you can make lists and not forget things, get to the store, and forget what the heck you went there for..

·         email myself notes from work to remind myself to do things when I get home 'cause I know I'll forget!

You know you are living with someone who has PTSD when:

·         You find Japanese knifes under your pellow the first time you sleep over;

·         You find emergy kits in just about all cupboards and closets in the house;

·         You get a house and car emergency kit for Christmas and a fire extinguisher the following Christmas;

·         You're being told that open toilet seats+drawers+cupboards are totally unacceptable but won't touch anything until my return for fear of feeling too lonely;

·         You're being asked the date of the month and the day of the week everyday;

·         In the middle of a great conversation, you're being asked what is it we were discussing sweetheart?

·         And my favorite  You know you are living with someone who has PTSD when they speed dial your phone number 8 times

·         within 3 minutes to tell you damn you are so hard to reach followed by I forgot why I called!

·         when it seems perfectly normal to cry when you laugh, laugh when you cry and do both at the same time for absolutely no reason!

·         After a date you wait by the phone praying it WONT ring!

·         Someone tells you you're pretty and you genuinely consider taking out a restraining order.

·         You have fallen out with every single one of your friends for no reason.

·         The only visitors to your house are doctors, paramedics or psychiatrists.

·         Your psychiatric notes could fill up a whole bookshelf.

·         Your carpet has a big line worn down the middle from continually pacing up and down.

·         You know more about prescription medicines for PTSD than your doctor.

·         You find yourself somewhere and wonder how the hell you got there.

·         You have no idea what day, month or year it is more than half the time.

·         Rocking back and forth on your bed is one of your favorite activities.

·         When the word "trigger", triggers you.

·         You buy stocks in the makers of valium and explain to your accountant it was for the shareholder's discount.

·         you can get so extremely enraged and violent that you seriously scare your husband  although he weighs nearly twice as much as you and is a martial arts student.

·         you feel persecuted and smothered as soon as your best friend calls you more than once a month.

·         when you're overwhelmed with happiness after cutting ties with your family.

·         when you're terrified of starting nursing school because what if one of your classmates will want to be friends with you?!?

·         when you then calm yourself with the thought that they'll surely all mob and hate you.

·         when the panic of being rejected creeps up on you and bites you in the butt as soon as you think you're okay again.

·         You enrol in a defensive driving course because it's the perfect environment in which to meet likeminded people.

·         When if someone wakes you, you wake up smacking them.

·         when someone pops open a can of soda and you refrain from punching them in the face.

·         You set your ringtone to Matchbox 20's 'Unwell'.

·         your ringback tone is 3 Doors Down "Kryptonite"

·         Your voicemail message is 'I'm not here right now……………that is all'

·         A romantic relationship with someone in another state just isn't quite long distance enough.

·         Your 'what I'm looking for' on a dating website reads like :'Wit, charm, looks, honesty, sense of humour, intelligence, psychiatric skills a must'

·         when f**k makes up nearly every word in a given sentence and extends into paragraphs, as well.

·          when your patience is such a short lived phenomenon that you're usually already swearing on the inside before you even had time to realise that something isn't going fast enough for you.

·         You have a different playlist on your Ipod for each of your personalities.

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