There has been, for some time now, this strange phenomenom in my household: If I speak VERY highly of my wife while being away from home, she is a complete bitch at home but if I speak poorly of her away from home, she's fucking awesome when I get home. This happens CONSISTENTLY like a poor joke.
So tonight she was being bitchy, kinda anyway, and she has been for about 5 days now (this does coincide with good ol' Aunt Flo coming to visit...EVERY fucking month!!!) As we were leaving the rib shack tonight after dinner, she asked if I wanted to go to Lowe's to get some blinds for the house (we need 2 last sets). I had told her no, that I just wanted to get home. Her response was that I "never want to be around people" and that she's "getting sick of it." WTF??? She knows that I don't do good in crowds and that I have already been having a rough 10 or so days due to a bunch of fucking nightmares. So what does this have to do with my original comments above???
Today the Doc made some rather pointed, but correct, comments regarding my wife and I and how she (the Doc) thought about how we were treating our children. She pointed out some things that I have noticed in how I talk to my son...maybe a little to "toughly"...and it's actually somehting that I hav been thinking about for some time now. However, she also mentioned how my wife was treating (being hard on) one of my daughters. The Doc actually referenced the possibility (fact?!) that my wife has piss-poor self-esteem(my words) due to her own weight problem and health. On top of that we talked aobut my feelings about my marriage and how 50% of the time, I just want OUT!!!I don't know if I would feel this way if my wife had a move even-keel (normal) temper and better self-esteem. I do know that it's something I was thinking of LONG before the Doc said anything.
Sometimes I think that she is way too good for me...sometimes I think I am way too ogood for her. I DO love her, deeply, which is probably the biggest reason why I stay(and that I believe she might hurt herself of my kids if I leave). But, when ALL of my friends since my youngest daughter was born and the wife gained all the weight have said the same shit the Doc was saying today...it makes me really wonder aobut what the fuck I am doing, and what I need to do and what I should do. I mean, very few of my friends have ever been able to put up with her long...and a LOT have just flat out avoided us becuas they can't stand her yelling and temper.
AAAAGGGGGHHHH. So WHAT do I DO??? I am going to ride it out for now. After this visit with Aunt Flo, I am going to give her a pointed letter (face-to-face will not work as she NEVER admits ANY wrongdoing) and ask her if she will see a counselor or something. I don't know if between my PTSD struggles, stress at work and school, and her on-again/off-again niceness, if I could do many more years of this without loosing my mind or hurting someone, including myself.
It's too bad she can't just easily slip back into how she was before all the post-partum crap. I mean, I KNOW I have changed since Iraq and the memories of being raped multiple times came flooding back. I don't think anyone else would have me. I mean, Angela and Marissa would probably both jump if I said I was coming to get them....but they are not really what I think I want full time...I guess??? I do know that I wish my wife, or whoever I end up growing old with, is more like the Doc. At least in the intelligence, compassion, AND looks department. She's got her flaws, I assume anyway, and she knows way TOO much personally to ever actually be interested in a lost cause like me...but someone like her...and it would be great if the wife started developing these traits...that would fucking rock!!!
Showing posts with label Confused. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Confused. Show all posts
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
What I have versus what I want?
WARNING Somewhat disgusting sexually graphic!!! WARNING
So I have issues with combat related shit as well as sex. I have been shot at, mortared, rocketed, raped, forced upon others, and just generally taught many things that a person should never, NEVER, fucking learn as a child, and some even as an adult.
I get amped up at certain noises, certain images, certain places, certain crowds, ...just life I guess. The CPT helped me to really come out of my shell with people...at least in my mind. I have been able to say some things that NEEDED to be said to some of the people I love (if I really know what it means to love???). However, I am NOT able to say things to others that I love or care about, especially close friends.
Then there is the fact that I have a hard...difficult...time being honest with myself. From one minute to the next I am constantly having to put myself in check. My Doc says that I show signs of "Borderline-Personality-Disorder," ...although I am "not my mother!
However, there are thoughts, and maybe some actions, that I have that I later wonder: "Who the fuck was that???" I know I have already written a little about this, but it weighs so damn heavy on my mind that I just can't seem to get past it: apparently lying to myself for 25+ years, losing my identity, questioning every past and current decision, questioning and over-examining every last relationship. Who else but a crazy bastard would do this???
My actual point here, and it goes along with being confused about who I am, is the "what I want" question. There are some definite conflicts in my mind about what is appropriate to want, OK to want, NOT OK to want, and just FUCKING STUPID to want. I think that until I find ME, I am going to continue to be in conflict...to look back on things I said or did and say to myself: "Who the FUCK was that guy???" Until I come to some understanding with my own mind, I am going to continue to have to deal with unwanted desires and thoughts (NO, nothing illegal or hurtful to anyone....except the assholes who have fucked with me).
For instance, I can remember some of the worst digusting physical feelings from my childhood experiences (no one really wants to know those things!!!)...yet I want, and DO think about crazy sex all day. I LOVE Porn and woman...and even get turned on (SERIOUSLY) by certain groupsex ideas. I was forced to clean up "messes" after sex when I was a kid. WTF????? I hate Iraq, and I hate the shit that happened there. Yet, there are days that I would LOVE, give my left nut, beg and plead, to be able to go back. To put that battle-rattle back on and to chamber a round in my M-16 (much better for longer-range targets than the M-4, in my book) and take up watch or clear a house or even escort the trucks that empty the shitters.
So apparently, my fantasies and desires and wants can, and often do, conflict drastically with the traumas in my life. It would be so nice to just be a "normal" person....to be able to just have whatever kind of sex my wife wants and not be such a pervert with her (except for the things she likes)...to NOT dream and think about going back to Iraq...to NOT long for the feel of the heat or the ride in the truck out the wire.
I hope, wonder, and pray that getting through this PE therapy, as well as practicing the Mindfullness and CPT tools will help me to center myself on normalcy and not on freakish things. Otherwise, I should just move to a town like San Fran and take up with the freaks there...see how twisted I am????? Or maybe hop a flight to Baghdad and see what happens there???? NO...I have to BELIEVE that things will get better. The alternative is crappy, at best!!!!!!!
So I have issues with combat related shit as well as sex. I have been shot at, mortared, rocketed, raped, forced upon others, and just generally taught many things that a person should never, NEVER, fucking learn as a child, and some even as an adult.
I get amped up at certain noises, certain images, certain places, certain crowds, ...just life I guess. The CPT helped me to really come out of my shell with people...at least in my mind. I have been able to say some things that NEEDED to be said to some of the people I love (if I really know what it means to love???). However, I am NOT able to say things to others that I love or care about, especially close friends.
Then there is the fact that I have a hard...difficult...time being honest with myself. From one minute to the next I am constantly having to put myself in check. My Doc says that I show signs of "Borderline-Personality-Disorder," ...although I am "not my mother!
However, there are thoughts, and maybe some actions, that I have that I later wonder: "Who the fuck was that???" I know I have already written a little about this, but it weighs so damn heavy on my mind that I just can't seem to get past it: apparently lying to myself for 25+ years, losing my identity, questioning every past and current decision, questioning and over-examining every last relationship. Who else but a crazy bastard would do this???
My actual point here, and it goes along with being confused about who I am, is the "what I want" question. There are some definite conflicts in my mind about what is appropriate to want, OK to want, NOT OK to want, and just FUCKING STUPID to want. I think that until I find ME, I am going to continue to be in conflict...to look back on things I said or did and say to myself: "Who the FUCK was that guy???" Until I come to some understanding with my own mind, I am going to continue to have to deal with unwanted desires and thoughts (NO, nothing illegal or hurtful to anyone....except the assholes who have fucked with me).
For instance, I can remember some of the worst digusting physical feelings from my childhood experiences (no one really wants to know those things!!!)...yet I want, and DO think about crazy sex all day. I LOVE Porn and woman...and even get turned on (SERIOUSLY) by certain groupsex ideas. I was forced to clean up "messes" after sex when I was a kid. WTF????? I hate Iraq, and I hate the shit that happened there. Yet, there are days that I would LOVE, give my left nut, beg and plead, to be able to go back. To put that battle-rattle back on and to chamber a round in my M-16 (much better for longer-range targets than the M-4, in my book) and take up watch or clear a house or even escort the trucks that empty the shitters.
So apparently, my fantasies and desires and wants can, and often do, conflict drastically with the traumas in my life. It would be so nice to just be a "normal" person....to be able to just have whatever kind of sex my wife wants and not be such a pervert with her (except for the things she likes)...to NOT dream and think about going back to Iraq...to NOT long for the feel of the heat or the ride in the truck out the wire.
I hope, wonder, and pray that getting through this PE therapy, as well as practicing the Mindfullness and CPT tools will help me to center myself on normalcy and not on freakish things. Otherwise, I should just move to a town like San Fran and take up with the freaks there...see how twisted I am????? Or maybe hop a flight to Baghdad and see what happens there???? NO...I have to BELIEVE that things will get better. The alternative is crappy, at best!!!!!!!
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Who Am I???? WTF????
Original post edited for multiple reasons.
I think one of the biggest things that I struggle with right now is: Who the FUCK am I????? I don't seem to know any more. Compounding the issues releated to PTSD is the fact that I apparently have some of the signs of being Bi-Polar and my grandmother had alzhiemers. Seems as though brain problems run in the family!
< Had a really good talk with the Doc about this at my last appointment. Learned a few important things that don't make me feel so worried about possible mental deterioration:
1. I am past the age where I need to worry about schizophrenia
2. My mother being Bi-Polar doesn't mean I will be/I am...it's NOT genetic
<>
But, who am I???Who the hell is this person I have become, am becoming still? I used to have a pretty good cockiness about me and not be afraid of anything or anyone. I was never a "ladies" man, but I never had to go long without getting laid...and had some HILARIOUS stories along the way...like the one about how a pussy[cat] ruined my chances of getting...welll you know...from this really beautiful college girl. But I digress...I was strong, not emotional, and DECISIVE!!! And I NEVER looked back (excpet for the rough divorce I had many moons ago).
Who have I become:
1) I seem to be afaid of my own shadow, most loud noises, QUIT, solititude, and crowds!!!
2) I don't know what I like most of the time, other than the shit I have been eating or doing for years
3) I would (A LOT of the time) rather not have sex with my wife. Not because of her because I do find her sexy and a lot of fun. More because of the errors in my brain.
4) When I do have sex with my wife, it's always great. However, I am either overly aggressive (no...not beating her) or way too emotional (to the point that I want to "crawl" inside her entire being.
5) I second-guess EVERYTHING ANYONE says, especially those who are my friends, family, people I love, or people I just care about. By second-guessing EVERYTHING, I mean EVERY LAST FUCKING THING. For example, a text I received the other day (on a day full of some incredible news) ended with "Bye now." The conversation was fairly innocent, dealing soley with the aforementioned good news of a friend. I had already sent "TTYL"...but "Bye now" has bugged me ever since. I think it has to do more with projections and mind-reading, but I am also 100% certain that I do in fact bug the person that I was texting with.
6) My focus is shot! I have been called a bulldog becuase I will track shit down to the end. And I can still do this, but ONLY with a higher purpose than normal, AND with someone else either right there, or just egging me on. My school homework is a GREAT example. I have a TON of shit due this week. However, instead of using even 70% of the abundant free time I have actually had in the last four days, I have wasted most of that time looking at old grindhouse movies (you know, the horror ones, AND the basically/literally X-rated ones). Chastising myself over and over and over again has not helped. Even tonight, with something due an hour ago...there I was, downloading grindhouse movies...and the assignment is now late.
7) My memory....this scares me the most. I have the hardest time with my short term memory even now. I have to try to make some association immediately to whatever it is I am trying to remember. However, I can recall what chics where wearing when I first met them. Now I can't seem to go a day without having to stop over 50% of my conversations and TRY to remember what the FUCK I was just saying!!! To make matters WAY worse, I have recently remembered things that honestly make no sense that I ever forgot. For instance, I recalled last week that a few years ago, when the PTSD symptons really started hitting me, that I had a solid and painless plan to end my life. It was just dumb-fucking luck that my wife wasn't going to be home as intended....I was too guilty to leave little kids alone with a dead dad in the house. Seriously, how the fuck could I have ever forgotten that!!!! That's like forgetting that you did things you shouldn't have ever done!!! (which I have also done). How many other things have a I forgotten??????????????
Overall, I believe in the therapy process, and I believe in my Doc. Quite frankly, although I am convinced that she erronously thinks (and worries) I view things on a romantic/cruch/sexual level with her sometimes, she really is like the best or second best friend I have....just too bad that we (the wife and I) can't ever have her over due to stupid VA ethics. I digress again though. My faith and trust in both the Doc and the Process is why I have stuck this shit out the last 18 mos. Seems like other veterans, who definitely had worse experiences, seem to be able to move on quicker, which is what really frustrates me. I know that a lot of it is the fact that the new stuff we are working on is the childhood sexual trauma, so it would not be too far fetched that my brain is just reminding me of other trauma's that had/have the SHAME/GUILT/PAIN/ABUSE tags attached, and intermingling these events.
In any event, I am just ranting tonight. Very tired and stressed and in a LOT of pain. I hope to have a session this week, as I think I need it, but we'll see what the future holds for that one. Basically, I just miss the old me.
Another thing I wanted to write about, and I will have to do it later, is: Chasing the Numb Feeling. It's a miracle that alcohol and prescirption drugs haven't killed me yet, nor has speed or my mouth. BUT I do just wish I could be numb. I have been unable to cry so I have not been able to emotionally dump a lot of baggage. But I will go into this one more at a later date!
I think one of the biggest things that I struggle with right now is: Who the FUCK am I????? I don't seem to know any more. Compounding the issues releated to PTSD is the fact that I apparently have some of the signs of being Bi-Polar and my grandmother had alzhiemers. Seems as though brain problems run in the family!
<
1. I am past the age where I need to worry about schizophrenia
2. My mother being Bi-Polar doesn't mean I will be/I am...it's NOT genetic
<
But, who am I???Who the hell is this person I have become, am becoming still? I used to have a pretty good cockiness about me and not be afraid of anything or anyone. I was never a "ladies" man, but I never had to go long without getting laid...and had some HILARIOUS stories along the way...like the one about how a pussy[cat] ruined my chances of getting...welll you know...from this really beautiful college girl. But I digress...I was strong, not emotional, and DECISIVE!!! And I NEVER looked back (excpet for the rough divorce I had many moons ago).
Who have I become:
1) I seem to be afaid of my own shadow, most loud noises, QUIT, solititude, and crowds!!!
2) I don't know what I like most of the time, other than the shit I have been eating or doing for years
3) I would (A LOT of the time) rather not have sex with my wife. Not because of her because I do find her sexy and a lot of fun. More because of the errors in my brain.
4) When I do have sex with my wife, it's always great. However, I am either overly aggressive (no...not beating her) or way too emotional (to the point that I want to "crawl" inside her entire being.
5) I second-guess EVERYTHING ANYONE says, especially those who are my friends, family, people I love, or people I just care about. By second-guessing EVERYTHING, I mean EVERY LAST FUCKING THING. For example, a text I received the other day (on a day full of some incredible news) ended with "Bye now." The conversation was fairly innocent, dealing soley with the aforementioned good news of a friend. I had already sent "TTYL"...but "Bye now" has bugged me ever since. I think it has to do more with projections and mind-reading, but I am also 100% certain that I do in fact bug the person that I was texting with.
6) My focus is shot! I have been called a bulldog becuase I will track shit down to the end. And I can still do this, but ONLY with a higher purpose than normal, AND with someone else either right there, or just egging me on. My school homework is a GREAT example. I have a TON of shit due this week. However, instead of using even 70% of the abundant free time I have actually had in the last four days, I have wasted most of that time looking at old grindhouse movies (you know, the horror ones, AND the basically/literally X-rated ones). Chastising myself over and over and over again has not helped. Even tonight, with something due an hour ago...there I was, downloading grindhouse movies...and the assignment is now late.
7) My memory....this scares me the most. I have the hardest time with my short term memory even now. I have to try to make some association immediately to whatever it is I am trying to remember. However, I can recall what chics where wearing when I first met them. Now I can't seem to go a day without having to stop over 50% of my conversations and TRY to remember what the FUCK I was just saying!!! To make matters WAY worse, I have recently remembered things that honestly make no sense that I ever forgot. For instance, I recalled last week that a few years ago, when the PTSD symptons really started hitting me, that I had a solid and painless plan to end my life. It was just dumb-fucking luck that my wife wasn't going to be home as intended....I was too guilty to leave little kids alone with a dead dad in the house. Seriously, how the fuck could I have ever forgotten that!!!! That's like forgetting that you did things you shouldn't have ever done!!! (which I have also done). How many other things have a I forgotten??????????????
Overall, I believe in the therapy process, and I believe in my Doc. Quite frankly, although I am convinced that she erronously thinks (and worries) I view things on a romantic/cruch/sexual level with her sometimes, she really is like the best or second best friend I have....just too bad that we (the wife and I) can't ever have her over due to stupid VA ethics. I digress again though. My faith and trust in both the Doc and the Process is why I have stuck this shit out the last 18 mos. Seems like other veterans, who definitely had worse experiences, seem to be able to move on quicker, which is what really frustrates me. I know that a lot of it is the fact that the new stuff we are working on is the childhood sexual trauma, so it would not be too far fetched that my brain is just reminding me of other trauma's that had/have the SHAME/GUILT/PAIN/ABUSE tags attached, and intermingling these events.
In any event, I am just ranting tonight. Very tired and stressed and in a LOT of pain. I hope to have a session this week, as I think I need it, but we'll see what the future holds for that one. Basically, I just miss the old me.
Another thing I wanted to write about, and I will have to do it later, is: Chasing the Numb Feeling. It's a miracle that alcohol and prescirption drugs haven't killed me yet, nor has speed or my mouth. BUT I do just wish I could be numb. I have been unable to cry so I have not been able to emotionally dump a lot of baggage. But I will go into this one more at a later date!
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